Should I......

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So I finally was able this girls number that I am interested in (both as a friend and maybe more). I was given the number Friday night....I waited until Sunday at around 3 something to call her. She was not home (she was skiing). So should I call today or wait?

2-3 days is best to wait after getting the number, with some up to a week.

I know its hard, when I'm friends with someone I tend to call them quite often too.

why wait so long? If I give my number to a guy and he waits forever, I know he isn't interested in ME, just interested in some arcane gaming technique and will be expecting me to sleep with him on the third date because that is also part of that gaming technique.

If you want to get to know me, call me, let your heart and head lead, not some other man's game.

Merle

what's your number?

but yes, agree with what you said

I tried that once... got a girl's number and called her soon after that. I have not felt so awkward in my life.

These are the reasons I have to keep control in the conscious part of my brain, because the unconscious part doesn't know what the hell it's doing...

Maybe it works like this in an idealised feminist utopia, but in my experience there's no way a caring and sensitive guy can possible get any interest of women unless he plays either the "alpha male" or "metroxesual male" role at least partly right. Just by "being myself" there's no way I can get any woman interested in me. Either they get creeped out by my Aspie traits or they just don't notice me.



We simply don't have subconscious processes to regulate these types of behavior. That's what makes us Aspies in the first place.

Exactly, even if you've known someone for ages, they'll get bothered if you call them to often.

I'm in that kind of situation with someone dear to me, we care for eachother very much.

She finds I was overdoing it, wants to create some space and so I have to force myself to only sms or mail her every 2-3 days and try to put an entire week of non contact in so that she can feel she misses me and call herself.

And we have an understanding that we won't ever be anything more then friends.

Normal girls demand this kind of behaviour, normal guys know they have to abide it.


You have to understand that just like aspies have periods where they want to be left alone or that they are bored with a certain person, normal people have the same and need space sometimes.

I think women like self contained guys. Part of what I find attractive about my aspie guy is that he DOES have his own interests and isn't overly concerned with me. The concern about calling really quickly is: Will you look overly focused on her, or "desperate"?

It probably depends on a guy's demeanor when calling. If you were funny and confident, I'd be fine with it. I really (like a previous poster) hate the game playing bullsh*t.

Mr. Rath never used the phone and it drove me crazy but I also knew it wasn't a game with him, he just strongly dislikes the phone. Particularly double-cell phones with which he finds the slight delay very disconcerting.

I think to most women waiting a couple days is fine. And hopefully she has HER own life too. I wouldn't let it stretch into a week. I'd be likely to ignore a guy if he did that.

I'd give it until tomorrow - if she didn't grab your message yesterday and has to work/school today, give her a chance to phone back.

In time, you can learn to abide it as well. The only time I always failed to abide is when my girlfriend was pissed-off at me. They she needs distance then, whereas I tend to need closure. These conflicting interests usually make the situation only worse and can drive both partners nuts.

Any idea how long you have to really wait on average for a girl to respond again?

And who should reinit real contact by trying to call? Me or wait for her?

Actually, Aspies tend exist in both the disinterested and the obsessive variation (Aspies are often one of two extremes). Personally I belong to the obsessive variation, which pretty much means that when I'm in a relationship my girlfriend is the most important thing in my life. I do tend to let my partner be herself and I do need my own space as well, but I do tend to prioritize my relationship higher than anything else.



I only feel comfortable calling people I'm used to calling. People I'm not used to calling I tend to avoid calling altogether when possible. In fact, during my last relationship I didn't even call my girlfriend more than 2 or 3 times in a period of 5 months.



Sounds like very reasonable advice

Last edited by Salonfilosoof on 11 Jan 2010, 12:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Really - if you like her, phone her. However, temper that by a couple self-imposed guidelines - - don't call too often, and give her time (1 - 2 days) to return a call.

[/quote]

I suck so badly at these tags. I can't intersperse comment like you do.

I think my aspie is obsessive and disinterested. If that makes sense. Like - - he's obsessive about what he's interested in and disinterested about everything else at the time. If he's obsessed with something else, he's disinterested in me. He is so duty and ritual oriented that our life together and the relationships in it are now part of his routine, and he is comfortable with it. During the transitioning into a relationship, this was very hard for him balancing his routine with the demands of a relationship.

Recently he told me being interrupted (not talk-interrupted, task-interrupted) is his worst dread - - he hates being interrupted while programming the computer or tinkering (he tinkers constantly with the house and projects). Of course, I interrupt him constantly and I didn't know it was so bad for him, so honestly I think I'm still learning a lot about what it means to be an aspie in the world.

I think the woman who appreciates straightforwardness and genuineness of a phone call from a guy, without B.S. and without game playing, is probably the best fit for compatibility with an aspie, long term. If you find a chick who seems to play the "how many days til I call you back" game, she's possibly into social/relationship strategies at a black belt level.

Like I said, she's a bit miffed at me since last Tuesday/Wednesday, when I had a bit of a meltdown because some bad news I got about my dog (cancer) the weekend before new years got a bit to much for me.
But meanwhile I received word that the tumor they removed should pose no risk for the future.

It drives me bonkers, but I've managed to not sms or mail her all weekend and just sent a "joke + hi how are you" SMS today.

Thing is, she told me in a mail that I was going to fast on Wednesday, also making it clear she didn't mean anything bad with it, just trying to inform me how she felt.

I replied to that on thursday thanking her, because I need that kind of input in a relationship and explaining why I reacted the way I did.

Then on friday she replied to some stuff on my facebook page.

But haven't had direct contact with her since. Other then my SMS today that is.

Also, whats the good rule to wait to call or SMS again after having sent an SMS? Also 1 - 2 days?

Just try to emulate what I'm doing by looking at the code of one of my multi-quoting posts and doing the same. It's just a few copy-pastes of the [ quote ] and [ / quote ] tags, really.



I should have nuanced. Every Aspie is a mixture of very disinterested and very obsessed. We aren't really mildly into anything

Priorities just differ for each individual. Some are obsessed about relationships, whereas others only about boats or old books.



You have to realise that these activities require him to focus a lot on those activities for him to be able to complete them succesfully. By taking away his focus, you make him lose a lot of precious time which is very frustrating.



Good point

I suck so badly at these tags. I can't intersperse comment like you do.

I think my aspie is obsessive and disinterested. If that makes sense. Like - - he's obsessive about what he's interested in and disinterested about everything else at the time. If he's obsessed with something else, he's disinterested in me. He is so duty and ritual oriented that our life together and the relationships in it are now part of his routine, and he is comfortable with it. During the transitioning into a relationship, this was very hard for him balancing his routine with the demands of a relationship.

Recently he told me being interrupted (not talk-interrupted, task-interrupted) is his worst dread - - he hates being interrupted while programming the computer or tinkering (he tinkers constantly with the house and projects). Of course, I interrupt him constantly and I didn't know it was so bad for him, so honestly I think I'm still learning a lot about what it means to be an aspie in the world.

I think the woman who appreciates straightforwardness and genuineness of a phone call from a guy, without B.S. and without game playing, is probably the best fit for compatibility with an aspie, long term. If you find a chick who seems to play the "how many days til I call you back" game, she's possibly into social/relationship strategies at a black belt level.[/quote]

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do not feel so bad - i stink to high heaven trying to do it in the edit box, so i do it in a word processor instead.
i am a linux freakazoid - so i copy the posts i want to reply to into abiword (abiword is a word alternative - it does not have all the bells and whistles of word - but it is word file format compatible and is free and open source . then i just put a few ===';s between the posts and my replys. it is a great big whole lot ugly - but it works and gets the message across.