I can't even get rejected in this town.

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That's a play on "Can't get arrested in this town"
So I noticed this girl on a dating site and she was most of what I was looking for. Many similar interests and in some ways a similar personality, and she lived in my city. However I noticed her after she had stopped coming to the site. I didn't do a lot of looking around because I didn't have good pictures and hadn't really gotten my profile ready so I didn't want to draw attention to myself before I'd make a good impression.
So I sent a message hoping she had the email notification on and would see it. No luck. In her profile she did link to her page on a music site. I sent her a message there which she did read and even went back to that first site to read the first message. She did reply and was friendly, answered a question I asked and asked me something, so I thought I might actually get a conversation going, but then she stopped showing up at that site. It used to be free but now most features are pay (in certain countries, like ours) so that's why she stopped showing up. Ironically in my reply to her message I mentioned a way she might be able to use the site for free, but she never read it because she had no reason to come back.
Although on the first site she said she doesn't get approached and hasn't been on many real dates (something that I thought worked in my favor) in her message she said when she left that dating site she was getting too many messages. So now I guess she's popular. I had asked her about the anime music videos she's made and she linked me to them on youtube. They were good (lucky for me) so I had good things to say about them, and I commented on one. I was in the same situation again, I sent her a message on a site she doesn't go to anymore, but she's linked me to another site she is on.
So a month later, when I was pretty sure she's never going back to the music site I sent another message. I basically said I did want to know her better, assuming she wanted to be known, but I'm not going to send more unsolicited messages, and she knows where to find me. That was a few days ago and she has logged into youtube and likely seen the message, but no reply. She didn't go back to the previous site either. A mistake may have been not giving enough of an opening to continue the conversation. I hate when people do that to me. Like not asking a question or leave some other obvious reason to reply. Also I failed to refer to the message the music site so she might not even know it's there. Or I could have just copy/pasted that message with the new one. Too late now though.
The problem with the internet is it's easy to ignore a person so you never really know where you stand. If she wasn't interested in talking to me why reply to the first message and ask a question, encouraging more messages, and if she was interested why didn't she come back to read that message? Now I she'd either read my last message and chose to ignore it, or she hasn't and we're back to her last reply where she did seem interested. I'd say she was sending mixed messages, but there was actually only one message, and it was pretty positive! The only way to go back on my saying I wasn't going to keep messaging if she doesn't seem interested (by replying) is if she made another music video so I could comment on it. I didn't subscribe to her YouTube page because I thought I'd be showing too much interest so I can only check manually and I don't know when or if she'll make another.
All this could probably have been avoided had I tried earlier when she was still on that dating site, which even has a feature where it says, hey you might like this girl, and she was mentioned by it!

She obviously not interested mate, she did say she was getting too many messages and sending her one like was probably a big turn off for her whether it was that site or not. Also did you say good things about all of the video or just a few. Not a good move, thats called "lying" and "doing it badly at that", just be honest, beside if you're not really into it then why are you seening her as a potential mate. Take the time to learn about people and how they act. Watch for the signs of lying and not just what a person says. Watch and learn. You should for her to make a move that indicated some interested. oh well, anyway man why are you using that crap mate, go do something that you're interested in and has women around your age involved. 27 is nice age to be, younger women do prefer older man because of they have had the time to establish themselves as people of value and being 27 opens you to some real possiblities. Also don't let people tell who you should be. Take page out of aussiebloke's book, stand up for what you believe in. Don't use the sites, not worth it mate. In every sense be yourself. Take a look at your qualities and take advantage of them. Look up stuff on things like IoIs and take some time to look at Datasage's Aphla male Thread. It's not perfect but it is a good start. Also look for the one thing that "NO ONE CAN HIDE" dialuted eyes like when a dark place or at night happening during a bright day when talking with someone is a clear sign of attraction that no one can fake or hide. Combine that with other signs and you're well on your way. oh and tend ask questions of her and stop talking about your special interests and etc. Show her that want to know about her and not just someone wanting someone to stroke your ego. It is our main problem because when we do it (despite not wanting too) we appear arrogant, not that we want to but you know what I mean.

It's possible she might have changed her mind after replying to your message and lost interest?

It's completely possible her lack of response has absolutely nothing to do with you, dude - you're "what if'ing" yourself to death. Maybe she met somebody else (in person); maybe her mom had a heart attack; maybe she's got a huge deadline to meet; maybe she's got H1N1. I'm all for trying to learn from your mistakes, but it doesn't sound like you really made any (it seems like your reason for waiting to contact her on the dating site was legit). Try not to interpret this as a personal failure, or something that's your fault....you don't know what happened, so please don't turn this into a slam to your self-esteem.

MinorAnoyance, you're reading too much into this -- she's just not that interested. Keep moving and find someone else, you're putting too many eggs into this basket.

You don't need all that text to know that she is not interested. People have other things going on. One person’s internet communication doesn't necessarily have that much significance. You were barely aquatinted, if at all. At that level you should not be reading into much or getting obsessed. You don't know her as a person.

there is the dimension of confidence and action. you can try one more time but instead of saying you want to get to know more about her (that's kind of wimpy and indirect), ask her to go out with you and give her your phone number and ask for hers. the latter is decisive, direct, and action oriented. if she is interested, she will respond. however, when you ask her to go out with you, you have to have a specific place, day, and time.

"hi suzie, i've enjoyed our brief email exchange and would like to meet you. let's meet at starbucks at <specific place here> this staurday morning at 10AM. you can give me a call at <your number here> or send me your phone number and i will call you."

show some confidence and decisiveness. it works better. i've been doing online dating for longer than i care to say and only time i've actually gotten dates is when i send my phone number and ask for theirs. the ones who are interested usually reply by sending me their phone number. when i call i keep it short - around 10 minutes - and always set a date (that's why then send their phone number - they want me to call to ask them out). i've been on a lot of dates but one of them has worked out. it only takes that one right first date but it takes a lot of dates to get there.

If that was true she wouldn't have replied initially and made jokes, answered questions, asked a question, and drew cute ascii faces in a 160 word message. It just doesn't read like a polite brush off.



I'm not sure why you would assume it was a lie. I commented on only one (the one I liked more)and it was specific not just "It's good" I had reasons why I thought it was good. Not that it matters, that was the message she didn't see because she never came back to the site.



Not really. I've accomplished nothing so my age only makes that worse. No permenant job, money, car, post high school education or anything else acquired with age. If anything my value is established in the negative.



The site is free so I don't know what I stand to lose by using it.



I kinda wish I didn't know about those things because it's not going to feel good if I never see them, but I've already been watching House, The Mentalist, and Lie to Me so I can't unlearn it.



Not always that easy. This girl I knew from high school that I sometimes run into at the supermarket now is something of a closed book. She doesn't seem bored, but she doesn't seem to have anything to say unless it's in response to something I say. Except for the tattoo she's getting (or gotten by now) she claims to have nothing going on worth mentioning.



It didn't seem like she was "on the fence", and she did describe herself as sincere in her profile, but she may have been being insincere when she wrote that.



Good point. It is however the lack of information and lack of having anything else significant to think about. It's really the possible technical problems that bother me, like that she never read one of the messages. It may have been well received had it been received. That's the uncertainty inherent in the internet. If she knew me well enough to know she didn't like me, then it would never have worked out under any circumstances and I wouldn't like her anymore because I don't tend to like people who don't like me. If it was just bad timing then it's possible it would have worked out and that's hard to live with.



That dating site I first saw her on did some research into what words in opening messages are most likely to get replies and for some reason less confident language seemed to work better. I assume you're supposed to switch off of that eventually, but my problem was they were all first messages. The first message she didn't read first because she left that site, so the second one was actually the first, then the third one was written as a second message but she left that site so she didn't read it. Then the fourth message I don't know if she read but I couldn't write as a continuation of the conversation so it was worded too much like a last message, despite it also being worded to reboot the conversation.

So here's my new plan. Wait three months (actually two months now) and send another message. That will put some space between messages so it can be more of a fresh start and also place it just after Valentines day which according to a stand up comedian I saw it the best time to get a girlfriend. It's after three major holidays (two of them gift giving) and if Valentines day has gone badly for them they could potentially be at their most desperate. Cynical yes, but it does make some sense. Also, I forgot to bring the funny in my last message. As it is the only apparent value I've had to people it's not something I should have left out, but like I said the last message was written under poor circumstances. I have a 'bit' prepared already. I don't know her real name or all that much about her so she's mostly a vague description to me. That description being tall, blond, anime girl. So I'll say to her that if I never know here name or have anything memories associated with her I'll only remember her as Tall Blond Anime Girl, or TBAG for short. Which is not the way she wants to be remembered. Maybe it just seems funny to me because tall, blond, anime girl was the first description I thought of and it had a ridiculous acronym. I should write these things early when I'm in a more positive mood and actually think it might work or like my last message it may be worded as not thinking it will work. Suggesting a location an time to meet right away seemed like a bad idea to me since in my city due to the mountain (escarpment actually) going north to south can be a hassle and I wouldn't know where she is to pick an easy location. However having a plan made already may make it more likely she'd respond even if it was to say no. It would be easier for me to knew if that bridge was burned and not have to persuade her to send a message regardless of if it's a rejection.
It occurs to me that I may have been presenting the wrong 'offer' to her. By saying I 'want to know her better' I'm offering someone who might like her, but unlike me she probably has plenty of people who like her already. What she wants (I'm assuming) is someone she will like. I shouldn't be presenting myself as if I'm a fan of hers and I'll just be telling her how great she is. That's not an equal relationship. She's not going to like me because I like her, we need to like each other. This is rather significant as I hadn't thought of this before. Now I need to think of how to say "You will like me" without sounding arrogant.

Too stalkerish. Let it go and try again.

Can't mandate the feelings of others, and they are under no obligation to communicate with you. Send another message in time if you like, but your approach does come off more as a demand than giving her a reason to like you.


M.

Well I'm looking for how it can not be stalkerish. Also I don't (as in it's not a voluntary action) let things go without some kind of conclusion. i.e. there was a girl I had a thing for in high school and didn't say anything and it haunted me for years. Then I tried calling her but she was out with her boyfriend which was devastating. Later I started running into her at the supermarket and told her I'd want to know if she was ever single again. I've run into her since then and things are fine. It doesn't bother me because everything has been said that can be said, she knows me well enough that I don't think she has the wrong impression of me, and although it wasn't a direct rejection, it's implied. I'm trying to get at least that far.
Yes, that could be read as an order rather than a suggestion. "You might like me" sounds a little weak though. "I have reason to believe you will like me based on past statistics and future projections based on past results, but you're more than welcome to prove me wrong" may be the most accurate description of what I'm trying to say, but it might be a bit wordy.

If you want a suggestion... you might take the challenge approach instead of being confrontational. People tends to respond better to challenges than demands, at least in my experience.


M.

I find the idea intriguing although I don't know what a challenge approach would look like.

Instead of demand, insistence or request... how can you engage curiosity? Unanswered questions frequently drive people to seek the answers, so how would you create in her a question of what it would be like to be in a relationship with you? I hate the phrase, but it is sort of the "you don't know what you're missing" approach. Without knowing you and/or her, I can't really speak to a specific method - it might be something as simple as, once you have started a conversation, talking about an idea for a date you've had; it could be sharing part of a story instead of all of it so it begins to intrigue her... but there are no guarantees, and you need to be prepared that nothing may come from it.


M.

Oh, I know. I spent a lot of time wondering "what's wrong with me?" Until I found an answer. Now I'm here trying to answer the question of whether the girl who responded with some enthusiasm is the real one, or the one that didn't care to write back later. Hard to say since it's never happened. I don't even know. Part of why I was (am) so interested in this girl is she said she hadn't been on any "real" dates, (surprising considering her age, not compared to me though) so there's little real experiences to judge me by.It's hard to decide what to save for when there's a conversation started because that's what I did before. I resisted saying everything I could think of to say but then she stopped showing up at the site. I need to get past the sending mail through a site phase and possibly skip the using real email addresses phase and quickly get to the phone call phase, because with internet communication it doesn't even seem like you're dealing with a real person so it's easy to just drop them. Actually meeting a person makes an impression. I do make a memorable impression as people have mentioned me and how funny I am to people who don't know me. I was something of a comedy legend at my last job. So I need to say something that will paint me as a person unique enough to at least meet once. I'm either very prepared or not prepared at all. I'm very accustomed to having nothing come of my actions, but it's only getting more painful. I don't feel too bad right now because I have this specific plan, so if it works I have lots to look forward to. It's very hard to get through the day when you have nothing to look forward to, and no specific reason to believe it could change other than it not technically being impossible for something good to happen.

Sometimes, people will want to string admirers along for as long as possible. It's hard to understand. The people who do this are on an ego trip. Many people who are too afraid to reject you actually do this because they secretly want the admiration. Be very careful around low self esteem people. They are impossible to understand and will suck the life out of you if you let them. Even after they suck the life out of you, they are still empty. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you get over her soon.