Online dating sucks, or is it just me?

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Just as an experiment, I posted my profile on a popular online dating site a few weeks ago.

I posted a thread before about how my ex-wife did this and within hours she was swamped by would-be suitors.

All I've gotten so far is some mild interest from 3 women, most of the time all I find in my inbox is cobwebs and crickets chirping.

I've got a pretty thick skin rejection-wise, but this almost-daily sense of rejection is starting to do more harm than good and I'm thinking about giving the whole experiment up - I seem to be more attractive to women IRL anyway.

Anyone out there had the same experience, or am I doing something wrong?

Don't waste your time.

Dating Services are a RIP OFF and are
stacked against us boys.

They are just a money grubber unfairly in
favour of gilrs.

One pays and pays and pays (or hacks and hacks and hacks
depending on their way of doing things)
and by the time one has finished paying or hacking
(still paying in time and effort instead of money)
one realises they been kicked in the buttcrack.

Please for your own sake don't get sucked into
this racket.

I found it the same.

I put my profile on ok cupid and over several months exchanged emails with 3 men, none of whom wanted anything more than friendship.

I found it very disheartening and made me feel bad about myself and bad about my poor ability to write emails. It made me feel bad about not being able to come across as normal even online.

I think real life is better for dating anyway as then you have more of a chance of seeing if your personality is compatable as online people can seem very different to how they really are.

Online dating does suck, purely because you don't even know if the people on there are for real or not. They could be fakes, psychos or people just messing around for all you know. This is why I don't like them.

yeah, paid once, then quit because its nothing but a load of BS.

It seems to be more trouble then it's worth. It costs money and it's almost like a blind date. I don't know about you but if I ever got a date, I'd at least want the girl to know what she's going to get and not be disappointed when she sees the real me.

I had some pretty bad experiences with online dating.

Most of the men I did attracted seem to perceive me as the kinky type or type that was only wanting sex.

On the otherhand however like lotusblossom, I didn't get many responses on some sites. I think most people who get into online dating build up these high ideals and images of the people they're conversing with. It's real easy to put on a persona or come off a certain way that is read differently to people. When it comes to meeting ppl in real life, you're actually seeing them and hearing them and getting an idea of what they're really like.

And LittleTigger, you may percieve it in favor of women however there's a big downside to that. The attention is not all that great unless you're a female looking for a quicky. It is also like going to a supermarket. I find even the older ones especially picky about a woman's looks. I'll never forget how one guy kept asking me how hot I was and how he liked his women. So no it isn't exactly in favor of women unless you're talking about attention by itself.

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I feel so much better knowing that you guys have had pretty much the same experience as me.

I was definitely taking the whole thing way too personally, but now I'm back to square one.

OK, online dating is out, now what?

join a course in something 'feminine' orientated such as art, psychology, yoga etc.

or go to (or start) an aspie group or meet up in your area.

or go to clubs/courses in your own interests.

Thanks for the suggestions LB!

Unfortunately I only have limited time for courses and they are usually in very 'masculine' oriented: welding, machining, electronics, etc.

I always thought the idea of organizing an Aspie social function as sort of challenging - much like herding cats - do you have any experience with this sort of thing? I think it would be worth trying, because I really dream about finding an Aspie-girl.

Anyway, I'm a nature freak and love to go hiking, I'm sure there's something along those lines that I could try - wish me luck! )

Yes. The lop sided attention.

Not necesarly in favour of, unless she
who uses it enjoys it herself.

If one is going to create Any dating service,
they should create it equally, providing the
services for pay or for free equally to
the boys and the girls the same way,
not making one gender or the other
pay more or less.

I don't communicatre very well, would u please
help me translate?

aspie meet ups are great! yes very like herding cats but great fun and very interesting and so much more easy and less stressful than regular social situations. Just put a meet up add in the social skills forum and see who comes

Perhaps try a group walking/hiking holiday

Sorry not sure what you mean by paying or the relevance of equality in pay.

I'll usually go to dating sites that're free of charge .

I couldn't imagine approaching a stranger and asking for some very personal favors. It follows that any relationship I may eventually develop will have to be with someone I see frequently in real life. Online dating has all kinds of pitfalls possibly involving scams, mobsters and people who really do want you but for the wrong reasons, for example financial desperation. Any relationship will necessarily involve real life contact, so why not start there?

I found my boyfriend on OKcupid, and dated quite a few people from the site. I tend to like it. But I have never had an issue with online dating. In fact I would be pretty hopeless with dating men without online dating. I tend to take guys hitting on me the same way no matter the atmosphere, which is threatened, largely because I lack alot of non-verbal skills. Online dating helps me screen out the guys worth my time from the jerks in a way I can actually handle. I don't have the non-verbal skills to figure these things out in person first. In fact I know alot of girls who end up with guys that are not compatible because they initially met them in person, and were reallying to much on physical traits and body language, then actually delving deeper into the personality. Online helps me cut to the chase of compatibility as I can figure out shared interests, potential sexual compatibility, politics, and some other aspects of thier personality without meeting them. Maybe it is just how I like to handle things, I like to insure a level of compatibility well before the first date.

I do think pay sites are a rip-off because they do not offer anything additional to the free sites such as OKcupid.

With regards to the original poster. Guys get fewer responses and this has always been the case.

It's funny....when I was dating Grisha, he told me I was almost "supernaturally perfect" for him. We shared the same politics, the same beliefs, the same hobbies...we had even both owned our own companies - and I was interested in learning about the company he's building. We are both smart, we have kids the same age, and I didn't care that he has AS. Even his special interests weren’t a problem...I liked the same things. (And I thought it was neat that his interests changed every year or so....I thought having him in my life would be like having my own personal community college - he'd always be teaching me new things as his interests changed.)

And I never pressured him to do anything he didn't want to do because of his AS. Even though I did want to talk on the phone - just once, so I could hear the sound of his voice...but that stressed him out, so we didn't talk on the phone. And he didn't have internet access at home, so we couldn't skype....and I couldn't email him outside of work hours....and he didn't have a cell phone, so I couldn't text him. I never complained about any of it, because I wanted him to be comfortable. I asked him to teach me about AS, and tell me what he needed from a relationship - I wanted to understand. His crazy ex-wife didn't even scare me away....and I wrote him porn (and it was pretty good porn, too). When it came to him, I was good to go.

And he dumped me - twice. The first time because I wasn't hot enough for him. The second time because I suggested that we might want to educate ourselves about AS. Since then, I've learned (through the magic of WP posts) the many, many ways I was never, ever good enough for him: I was too extroverted; I was completely unattractive to him (I'm not the pretty girl he'd want to show off - he'd have to "catch" Stockholm Syndrome in order to be with me - I was the "romantic problem" he wanted to solve....and I guess that also makes me the girl he "tried dating" but wasn't attracted to - "and it was disastrous for both parties, instead of being 'just friends' we ended up 'not friends'."); I made the "first move" - which he finds emasculating; he joined an online dating site pretty much the day he dumped me; and his dream is to be with an Aspie (ummm, did I mention I'm NT?). Oh, and let's not forget the "unvarying rejection" he experiences with women - even though he rejected me. (I wrote him an email to tell him I was hurt and confused by his posts, but that I was happy he had a place like WP where he felt like he belonged, and could express himself. He never responded.)

And here’s the real kick in the jaw - I finally finished my "closure" letter tonight....I finally was able to resurrect enough affection for him to wish him well - just in time to read this post. Just in time to learn that he couldn't wait to post his online profile just as soon as he’d dumped me - and he's just so super excited about meeting his Aspie dream girl - a.k.a., anyone but me. Ironic, don't you think?

I found WP last summer to try to find some answers about AS. I had a friendship with someone I thought was an Aspie, and he behaved in a way that was extremely inappropriate. I was trying to understand AS, and put that man's behavior into a context I could understand. I started answering posts here because it seemed like many of the questions were things a garden variety NT (like me) could answer pretty easily - and they caused people such anxiety and anguish. I'd like to think I helped some people along the way. But then I met Grisha, and I thought that maybe I'd had that terrible experience with my Aspie “friend” so I could meet Grisha. I felt so lucky that I'd met him. I can still remember feeling how scarily perfect he was for me. I wasn't in love with him - we weren't together long enough for that. But I was infatuated....and I hoped that someday my feelings would grow into real love for him.

So it’s time for me to leave WP. I’ve met some nice people along the way, but clearly Grisha’s posts are going to continue (really, G – I get it – you want anyone but me). Unfortunately, I can’t ignore them and I don’t want to be hurt any further. If any of you want to keep in touch, you can reach me at [email protected]. (I know Moderator, I’m not supposed to give out an email address, and I’m not supposed to discuss personal relationships in this forum. I agree - it's inappropriate. Please go ahead and deactivate my account.)