How can Iet a girl know I like her?

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"The good friend named Mike" is what I have always been labeled as. I'm sick of it. Sometimes I feel like there is physically a concave hole in my chest. I have been really frustrated because of being too friendly. I'm a nice, warm-hearted person. It's who I am. I make people feel welcome when I first meet them. This goes for business where I work, friends or with girls. Well anyway, I've been getting comments from others such as:

"You're trying too hard."
"Love will come to you."

I don't try hard because there is no trying when I talk to a girl. When I do find an attractive individual (not the super-model types, just you know, someone you think is attractive in your own little way) and I start to get to know them, after a few weeks I never see them again. From being rejected many times in real life and online, I've asked people and have come to the conclusion that I act too much like a friend. I really want to be more with that person, but I come off as, "Mike the good friend." I know I'm decent looking. (I think, maybe you could tell me, not that it matters much, rofl) I have the confidence. I don't get shy, I can keep a conversation going for a while, and keep it interesting. It's tough because my last girlfriend was for three weeks in August 2009. We broke up because 3 1/2 hours of driving really does make a big impact. The girlfriend I had before that was November 2005, I broke up with her because I was falling behind on credits in high school and couldn't devote enough time to her. I'm 22 now. I also had two dates last year that were unsuccessful. So as you can see, I really haven't had much, or any experience. As far as people think I'm trying too hard, I really am a friendly person. I do care and discuss about what they have to say, etc. It's tough to tell when to make a move and when not to. It's tough to be a gentleman at the same time and let her know I like her more than a friend. I'm a gentleman, not a perv, and I would like to keep it that way.

I do feel lonely at times, wishing I had someone to hold. Love will definitely not come to me, I have to look for it, of course. At the end of the night when I go to bed it really doesn't affect me. Though, sharing my thoughts and passions with would make me happy.

So this after this big lame story, here is a shortened version:

How can I let a girl know I like her? (Without making it awkward of course, lol)

Do you ever correspond with her online? It's much easier to share your feelings over the internet than it is in person.

Thank you for the input. If I send a girl a message, I do read their profile. I talk a bit about their profile to prove I read it, and to also relate to them. I would throw in a compliment, etc. I am not afraid to say anything in real life. If I can type it, I can say it.

You might be surprised what you project by your body language and actions even if you're not aware of it. I've been told that when I'm into a girl it is brutally obvious in the way I treat them, even if I don't outwardly suggest anything of the sort.

Mike,

You sound a lot like me, except that I do get shy. Since I have a long history of making an ass of myself in front of women I like, I've decided to take more of a minimalist approach. Instead of hitting her over the head with the information, I try in spite of my nervousness to act calm and in control, maybe dropping a hint but I try not to go overboard anymore if I can help it. But, like you said, it's hard to know when/how to make a move.

Now, this advice is going to sound a little weird, but most women seem to like it if you come across a bit less like their friend and more like a "bad boy". I don't mean to just go ahead and be a jerk (I prefer to think of myself as a gentleman as well), but since we Aspies are known for lacking in empathy, perhaps you could use that to your advantage. The bad boy is compelling because sexual attraction and fear have been shown by psychological studies (see Dutton and Aron, 1974) to be closely related. The more of a "dangerous" edge you have to your personality, the more chances you will have with dating because people often mistake the autonomic arousal experienced through fear (the "fight-or-flight" response) for the arousal of sexual attraction. That is why going on a roller coaster together is such a popular dating activity - plus, you can put your arm around her and protect her if she's a bit too scared. Also, the "bad boy" seems a tad unavailable, and women like pursuing men more often than you would think, probably because modern women are more assertive and like feeling more in control. If you act like her friend right away, there's no thrill of the chase, no mystery.

As easy as it is for me to say all this in theory, in practice it isn't easy. It took me a long time to understand this, and I'm still struggling to understand it. I get so intense when I like someone, and they usually sense it and run off. My biggest struggle is to act like I don't care, which, strangely, has worked so far. You'd think it would be the opposite, and we Aspies with all our honesty have trouble with this because it feels like a game. In fact, it is a game. I kind of hate it, actually, but it seems to be the only way.

Last edited by Mok on 26 Jan 2010, 1:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

Weird? No, this advice is actually posted on a few sites. People actually have given me this advice. Thus, the human brain to me is that of a psycho, lol. It's just tough to act like a jerk but care. I have to care but not care at the same time. I get what you're saying! Strange relationships have to be a challenge nowadays, lol. I am unsure what to do. What would you do in this case?

(Thanks for your response by the way)

Perhaps you can tease her? It's a way of paying attention to her without coming on too strong. Just some gentle ribbing or something.

I've always thought so as well, it seemed and still seems perfectly normal to me - but people (both male AND female) warned me that it seems better on the phone for some reason. Is it possible for you?

I think it's better if an NT is here (if she is as as well) to explain. I think it's some of society's weird ritual, like you can't break up on the phone or something like that, or at least that what they do in movies - wouldn't it make MUCH more logic to inform them you're thinking about breaking up, and not invite them to a date where they have to wait till they're stabbed?
Cruel normal people

But seriously, I'm interested as well, is it still considered weird today to do so the internet? A girl I know kind of hit on me a few months back (and reminded me why I never date), but she was some kind of a nerd who hates society (don't think Autistic), so I don't know.

Uh. I didn't get most of the girl's numbers. But yeah, I could do the phone, text, internet, or real life, its all good for me. I don't really know what you mean by what you mean. =/

That's another one of the reasons I don't try to date too much, as statistically it won't end up in a good way (especially for me). I could never relate to this whole game thing. For crying out loud, show her you love her, show him you love him, and that's all. Why would you want risk unless it's serious to you? The problem is that not all NT try to be serious in those relationships from the start, I think. Not saying that every Spectrum person out there is like us preferring the obsessed romatic "for you I'd bleed myself dry" kind of thing, the other way.

Right now I try to act as a friend to someone, and even told her how I feel (my autistic intuition said "something's different with here", and my drunk intuition said "yeah, whatever", so together I decided to tell here). The amazing thing was that even that it's clear between both of us what I ultimately want, she's still not afraid like you would expect her to be. I think I was right about her.
Anyway, now I just wait for noting - but it doesn't matter, what matters is that a got a girl for my fixation needs, and don't go too extreme with it, and she's a decent person. As long as she doesn't have anothe boyfriend, I'm fine. I'm not obsessed with her currently or something like that, but I still need someone too fill that role in my board I think.

One of my conclusions (and my friend who's probably not Autisitc, but IS weird in his ways that I appreciate, said he feels the same) - I have no point in trying to ask someone out unless I know her. Otherwise... Even before I understood I'm an Aspie, I don't think that explaining my behaviours in any different way would come up too well. Plus smelling like beer all the time is doing well to my chances, to friends say...

So - the best way for me to be as relaxed as possible, is to date someone I know, and who knows me. Otherwise it would me too anxious to see if I enjoy spending time with her at all, not even talking about the other anxiety factors, and not even talking about that whole date game theory, and why the hell is it bad to show you care for someone? I learned that if someone is interested in me and asks ME out, she cuts the relationship after a week, because I talk to her during that week. And that is a problem. Because NTs don't assume it's good that someone cares about them, they say your desperate or something like this. Yes, I've always been desperate because I wanted something that I knew that was foolish to even seek in high school. What's wrong with that? Even in dating NTs have to keep up a comepetition against one other, "which one hides his emotions" better?

All these years trying to express feelings, now I find that If I return to my previous state I would be sexy as hell?

You don't know what I meant where?

In the first part: NTs tend to tell my it's somekind of a priority list: real life, phone, text, internet. So theoretically you should call here and ask her out, if you have the number.
I would personally send a text message inviting here to come to my home pub if you have such, where the atmosphere and place are my advantage (everyone knows me, and accept me as their favourite weirdo), and I'm allowed to get drunk. BUT: I wouldn't be able to talk through the despised phone (only good for text messages), and I pretty much have to drink.

I guessed perhaps you have a preferred way of communication - otherwise... Well, technically you can just ask her how about having a beer some evening, I guess. By phone some say is prefrrable,

Anyway, WARNING - advice from my mistakes: DON'T SHOW HER YOU READ HER PROFILE TOO MUCH. I think that can look "obsessive", unless you mention one tiny detail or something. I'm not sure though. Unless she is okay. But most people aren't okay. That's taking a chance!

Thanks for the info. I had 2 dates last year, so it isn't dating much, hehe. I guess I should get their number and call em next time. It's just really tough to meet people where I live. I live about 1 hour from Los Angeles, so yeah.

Yeah, I often feel like I used to be too much of a gentleman. I seem to have a strong mental block about letting any sexual feelings be apparent in what I say, I guess because I'm worried I'll be too blunt. But it's ok to show just a little bit, just to let the other person know that's there. It's a real art, I guess it's what flirting is, basically. But I think the logic of it is to start gently and when you know that's been accepted, to move it up gradually. That's not some terrible innuendo, by the way

If you know there's a basic connection there, there's nothing to be lost in doing this. It shows confidence, which people like and respond to. The fear is "what if I'm rejected"... but since your experience is that girls disappear after a few weeks, then I guess the argument would be - what have you got to lose?

No doubt you'll put your foot in your mouth once or twice, cos we all do that. But the thing is not to make it into a big deal in your head to switch into that kind of mood. If it seems natural to you, it'll seem natural to them.

As a girl, I thought I might just say what I like. Dunno if it will help. I have a friend that I really like, but girls just don't seem interested in him. He is the sweet type that girls just view as a friend. I really like him and wish he would ask me out for just a coffee or something. But alas, he's too shy to even talk to me, so my advice would be TALK TO HER.

He did come up to me at the weekend and talk to me and I thought that was really nice. I had been starting to feel a bit of resentment towards him because I just wasn't getting anywhere, but it melted me a bit that he made that effort. We are getting on better at the moment than we ever have done, but I am having problems getting him to realise that I am interested.

NT's have these same fears and anxieties. This is not easy stuff to navigate. I will say - - one thing I've learned here on WP is that for AS folks, the stakes feel higher and that seems to make the process much more difficult and painful.

I think trying to be easy and gentle with the process it is step 1 (I know, easier said).

I don't like the bad-boy advice myself, personally. I submit it's likely to land you the wrong person and most likely will be awkward and off-putting. I think acting with integrity as yourself is the best bet for finding someone you can have a real chemistry with.

Be funny. Joking with her is a good idea - humor makes the top of every list on what attracts females. I agree with the advice about written communication at first as much as possible. My husband was funny and clever in email and I loved that.

Continue to focus on your own interests and have patience in pursuing a female. It kept me strongly interested in HIM that he was interested in something ELSE.

And just don't be afraid to take a chance - we're all in the same boat in that regard, lots of rejection and then a connection at some point.

You have much more experience than me. Can't say if you're better-looking, but it's likely. And you're friendly.

I can be friendly, but it takes work for me and I'm rather selective about it. I generally like to do things on my terms; I will only bend so far for people that don't have a serious bearing on my life. If I had a job, for example, I would obviously bend a lot for my boss. But I generally don't care much about people... I never get close to anyone to begin with. So by breaking off a relationship with someone, I am more alone. Ooh, the mere thought is enough to curdle an NT's blood. Me? I ALWAYS feel alone. It does nothing to me. I'm not alone, I'm not afraid, I'm not unhappy.