My girlfriend's too obsessed with me. What should I do?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I haven't been around this forum for a while, but I have a bit of a situation and I don't know what to do. I'm an aspie, and know very little about relationships, but I'm in one now and things are changing for me, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much.

I care about my girlfriend, and love spending time with her, but she wants to be with me 24/7, and it's getting to be a little much. I mean, I like to have time to myself too, to enjoy my special interests.

Today, it occurred to me that she might have an aspect of my disorder. Her primary disorder seems to be something related to memory and attentiveness, but I'm starting to think I might be her special interest.

She obsesses over me all the time and claims she can't stop thinking about me. She constantly asks if I miss her even when we just saw each other (I wouldn't really say I miss someone I talk to daily).

My mom, dad and sister say that if I love someone I should want to be with them all the time. Does that mean she's not the one for me? I enjoy having time to myself too, and time with my friends. She gets upset when I want to be away from her for a bit.

What should I do? Is there a way I can get her to realize that sometimes a man needs his space but that doesn't mean I don't care about her? Is the only solution to break up with her? I do want our relationship to work out though. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

She's clingy and usually in the beginning of a relationship yes the two do want to spend a lot of time around each other, known as the 'honeymoon' stage, but this isn't necessary at all to be a sign that you love them back.

If you care about her but still want your space this is perfectly normal and not unreasonable to ask for some space.

However this is something you have to word very carefully and discuss with her very clearly so she understands exactly what you're trying to say.

Some people who are obsessed are already upset when they are away from you, so saying you need your space they might instantly over-react and take it as a break-up when that's not what you're asking.

I wouldn't say break-up immediately but give her a chance to give you space first as she probably doesn't even know there's a problem yet unless you've already communicated it to her that there is.

Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I'll have to be extra careful how I approach the subject to her, as she can be selective in what she hears, but I'll definitely consider it.

To have a healthy, happy relationship you guys have to be able to meet each other halfway. Too often, I see the Autistic person being forced to go way out of its way while the Allistic person only has to move a little bit.

Try explaining it in terms of your Autism. "I really like being with you, but Autistic people can't handle this much social contact. I need some time to cool down from our interactions and reset myself because otherwise my anxiety level will rise and it'll adversely affect the quality of our interactions. I don't want to avoid you, but I think we'll have a better time together if I have more time between our interactions to settle down and be alone."

Your parents and sister are wrong, by the way. Loving someone has NOTHING to do with wanting to be with the person constantly. It's about...loving the person. You care about that person and appreciate it, flaws and all. You find that person beautiful and want the best for that person, even if it means you won't be as happy. You love seeing that person succeed and be happy and it feels good to help bring joy into that person's life. You're willing to go through some rough patches for that person's sake because you're committed to that person and in the end you feel that person is worth it. It's PERFECTLY valid to not want to be with someone all the time; honestly, you don't even have to want to DATE someone just because you love that person. Wanting to be with the person all the time is just a side effect of that hormone rush people usually get during the honeymoon period.

Outrider has a point; she might just be still in the honeymoon period, which can last for six to seven months, or longer. That being said, if she's got other brain stuff you might want to ask her if she thinks she might be predisposed to getting obsessive about people. I know that I used to get obsessive about people, although usually for me it was more of an "arch nemesis" type thing.

I know I'm only 18 and giving advice here XD but...

Try your best to politely explain to her that you need a little bit of space and how important it is for you and the relationship. Let her know that it's nothing for her to be upset about, you want to be with her and want to support her but you also want the relationship to be about walking beside each other and being next to each other while the two of you are also independent just because it gives you both time to miss each other and it works better that way on your part, as it works both ways. It's just your guy time you need which will create a healthier relationship, rest assured you aren't going anywhere and you will still both be together.

Maybe you could text each other or go out together on one day then pursue your own interests on another, so you skip one or two days of contact. I am pretty clingy, this was hard for me at first to do with people but with time speaking to my current boyfriend every other day has become more manageable, because I keep myself distracted by something else like watching a really good film or anime, researching things I'm interested, even starting up here to let out some feelings and connect with other people I can relate to etc.

Sometimes a person might cling because they need a really attentive person to reassure them that the relationship is secure, so I mean you could also try to give her so much attention to the point that even she wants to take a bit of time out XD being overly attentive may be one way to counteract it. Sorry if this sounds a bit silly but I guess being an obsessive girl myself, I know short, blunt replies to texts drive us nuts and will only make us message or wonder even more because for me I personally don't feel reassured by that, but if a guy seems quite obsessed over us, some of us can back up on our own obsessions a little bit and desire more time for ourselves.

My parents tell me that too, they want me to date somebody more local to my area so we can meet each day, I meet my guy once every couple of weeks, but I don't mind, it's better for me that way. Also because I have college and I do lots of stuff online i.e blogs, writing or watch documentaries and stuff in my free time, I'm sometimes too occupied during the day to check my phone. So my other suggestion is an outlet if she is quite talented or a career/course she will enjoy taking.

I think what is important here is that a relationship works both ways, like you, she needs to have that occasional desire for her own space and her own special interests that she can pursue independently or something that will benefit her and keep her really busy so she doesn't rely on you too much.

Relationships are about understanding, compatibility and sometimes even adaptation and change. It's not wrong to tell her how you feel, even if she feels upset. For you, you want that change so your relationship can still go strong and sometimes people may have to adapt or do things differently, if she is willing to change and understand you to help better the relationship then I'm sure you will both continue being good for each other.

You should read "Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus". It's natural for men to pull away for awhile and then he needs to come back on his own. It's called "being a rubberband". If I remember correctly, men are supposed to understand that women are like waves when it comes to moods. It's all very interesting. Anyway, my point is that you need your own time to do what you want. It's a fine line, though. Your alone time can't be a really long time (like weeks) - women in relationships don't go for that.

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I do think having space is good for a relationship. I heard a pastor once say that it's actually not healthy for couples to be together all the time. I enjoy spending time with my gf a few times a week and even our daily conversations, but I also need at least a little time to myself in a day, other than work, school and volunteering that is.

Yeah, sometimes we have to be apart for practical reasons, and I even have difficulty convincing her to give me a little time to myself to do homework (which also isn't me time). I don't even mind FaceTime sessions with her, but if she had her way we would be doing it all day, and I can't really concentrate on my hobbies if I'm also doing that at the same time, so I prefer to limit that to once a day, on days when I don't see her in person. She's actually not that clingy in person, so maybe being around her puts her at ease.

I'll definitely have to look into that book nurseangela. I have noticed that my gf and I think differently at times, and understanding the way she might process things could be helpful.

I'm not in a relationship, but I read ALOT about relationships. I agree, I think it's healthy & good for the relationship if the guy want time for himself like hangout with his friends or watch sport. You have to miss them to want them, I guess. You need time alone or be with the guys to want her more & continue having a great relationship.

Does women want time for themselves too?

Okay, that's kind of getting into creepy territory. If she doesn't understand that you have other important things going on in your life--if she's willing to hold you BACK for her own selfish need to be around you constantly, you've got big problems that you need to address without sugarcoating anything. That kind of obsession was one of the first signs that a relationship I had that turned out to be horribly manipulative and almost cost me my life was going to be toxic. Don't let yourself get pulled into that kind of manipulation--it's still taking me years to retrain myself to be able to say no to hanging out with friends when I need to! Don't even let it start.

You may or may not be with her forever--you don't need her. But you NEED your future. She needs to understand that and be willing to step back.

I think it is ok if she has you as a special interest and that she obsesses about you. The clingy thing is typical of the first phase of a relationship, and so shouldn't be a problem.

It's not so that just because you are obsessed about somebody, you necessarily want to spend a lot of time, or even all your time with that person. I know for sure that I can be heavily obsessed about somebody, and still find it ok to only see them once a month. The problem I think is when you see them very often they will get used to that, and then when you suddenly want more time for yourself, they will react negatively to that and think they are neglected. In retrospect, you probably should have seen her less frequently, and then she wouldn't have complained.

So my advice is to avoid going from seeing her often to more seldom, and instead select something that is comfortable to you, and then stick with that. Initially, she might become upset, but once she has accepted it, things should be fine.

So, I should set a routine. That makes sense. She might not be pushing me to FaceTime all the time if we have a set time for that. She's not known for being super patient, but a routine should help as she will get used to it. Thanks for the advice.

@nomral: She can cross the line a little, but I set boundaries. If I'm doing homework we can talk later. I found that turning off my phone till the time I said I would talk to her gives me the peace I need to get it done. She often texts and/or tries to call or FaceTime me anyways, but I need her to know that when I set a time to talk later, I'm serious.

It's good to know that you're able to stand your ground. Sorry; there are a few aspects of relationships that can still really set me off. Ideally, she'd quit trying to bother you at all during those times, and hopefully she'll start to slow that down, especially after you talk to her about it. But as long as she doesn't try to push you even harder or punish you for taking that time to do your homework, I guess it's not too immediately dangerous.

Pop psychology...

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2015 ... -new-study

Aslo we are talking about ASD folk here...

I strongly dislike such clinginess, there is not chance I would get use to it or rubber band. In fact I'm on the extreme end of independence. Mutually independent the only way for me. I know that is not typical but there your go.

Also like those that need to create drama, artificially. I call that out when I see it.

I hope she slows down a little too. Setting aside time for homework is doable, even though I have to navigate an annoyingly rhetorical mini-conversation where she pointlessly asks what time I'm done, wherein I offer the answer "when I'm finished". Somehow I don't think she intends it to be rhetorical, but whatever.

However, I did have a bit of trouble in paradise once when I was hanging out with a friend at my house and she asked what time we were going to be done, and I responded "when he leaves". Later she asked "what time are you done with your guy time", to which I responded "there's no time limit on guy time". She then proceeded to say "I'm really pushing it", to which I responded that she was for not respecting the implied covenant of guy time.

I'm sorry, but I only set time schedules for the things that need to be scheduled. When I'm doing homework, only the deadline matters as I'll take all the time I need in the meantime, and if I decide to stop and save the rest of it for another day, that too will be spontaneous. I certainly don't set time limits on the things I enjoy unless I have other time commitments to honor, and I don't understand the rationale behind doing so.

Thankfully the issue didn't escalate too far that evening as she was happy when I finally face timed her. Also, her short term memory means she generally forgets about fights within a couple days, so hooray for that. Nine times out of ten she has a fight and I just listen to her rant, but that's one of few times when I fired back, not that I felt good about it.

This isn't love, it's INFATUATION. This girl has some serious issues with fear of abandonment.....Makes me wonder if she's borderline(like my ex was).

Be happy you have a gf, many aspies will never get to know what that's like.