Got a date, now what?

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Somehow I managed to convince an attractive, available woman that I found on a popular online dating site to meet me for coffee on Saturday.

Naturally, I am completely terrified.

I know that it is probable that I will totally screw it up, but at the very least it will be a good learning experience for me and I will not let a single failure to discourage me.

Any advice/encouragement would be deeply appreciated...

good luck and have fun

Raun Kaufman says to be your most natural on dates and not hide any faults as then if they dont like you it has saved weeks, months or years of your time before you found they were not right for you. I think thats good advice.

I think if they are the right person for you then the date will go well, if it goes badly just put it down to experience and move on. Always think highly of yourself and dont get desperate and settle, you will regret not holding out later.

I hope you have a fantastic time

Actually since we met online we've exchanged quite a bit of information.

I made it a point to put the biggest potential deal-breakers out there already, even my AS, believe it or not.

She is NT and has no idea what AS is, but she definitely knows that I have it.

I'm really going to give it my best shot - thanks for the encouragement!

Just go for a walk and talk about whatever you have in common. That's what I'd do. Cheaper than going to the cinema or a restaurant and you can exercise whilst you're at it.

I'm not terribly concerned about being cheap, but going to the cinema always seemed like a bad idea, especially on a first date. How do you get to know someone if you spend 2 hours paying attention to something else.

Anyway, not doing a lot of planning beyond a cup of tea - then her cell phone will ring and she will suddenly have to attend to an "emergency".

How did women accomplish this before cell phones were invented? ;o)

Oh, back then we had to announce early-on in the date that we had somewhere to be at X time. Then, if things went along swimmingly, we later said we could postpone our "somewhere to be". Cell phones made this much easier. *wink*

I'm with Tequila, I think a walk is a good idea. I love coffee / tea but then you're needing to face each other and CHAT. Hm, you can't really parlay the coffee into walk though because she'll possibly have inappropriate shoes.

Interesting, I always thought a woman excused herself to "powder her nose" and then climbed out the bathroom window... ;o)

I'm pretty sure I can convert things to walk because the coffee shop is in a fashionable Hollywood shopping district, but I can't figure out which is better.

I certainly take LotusBlossom's point about getting all the "bad" out there as soon as possible, but I think you can overdo it. Someone might overlook the bad if they discover other qualities that they like about you first.

I do eye-contact pretty well, and can manage an acceptable smile on cue, but I have not done very well for compensating for my abnormal gait and I sometimes do odd things with my hands while walking - not too odd, but odd enough to notice if your looking closely.

In short: I think I'm more adept at faking NT chatting than faking NT walking...

Hi Grisha,
You know, since you met her online you've only seen photos that she's given you. I know from personal experience that not everyone is as honest about their true looks when trying to get their foot in the door.

All I'm saying is that she may be slightly older or heavier looking than she appeared in her photos...just prepare yourself to go with the flow if she isn't exactly how you're imaging her.

You could ask her to meet you at a tea/coffee shop but tell her ahead of time that a walk might be nice (again, in case she planned to wear heels)...you could get your drinks to go. Especially if it's a beautiful day out...if there's a park nearby you could walk through it, maybe sit on the swings or a park bench to talk.

I agree that being yourself is important, but I also know that I've made some real mistakes from being so nervous on a first date.

Remember that your goal should be for her to feel good about herself while she's with you. On that note:

1. Be sure to ask her questions about herself and give her time to answer...don't make everything about you! It's so tempting to try and show off but women often like shy, quite guys who are thoughtful and sincere.

Every time I would go on a date with my AS husband, I would make up a list of safe potential topics to talk about. Often I didn't need it, but it made me feel more confident that I could cope if there was an extended akward silence.

She has probably already shared some information with you online, so look back over what she's already shared and see if there are things she's told you that you'd like to know more about. Women feel special when you pay attention to little details about what they've told you...it shows them that you're paying attention and you're not totally self-absorbed.

2. Don't correct her if she mispronounces a word, uses poor grammar, or gets some fact or technicality wrong...remember she's probably nervous too and it will make her feel bad...you want her to feel good, great even!

3. If you find yourself stumbling all over your words or you tried to be funny and she didn't laugh...don't panic. It's OK at admit that you're nervous.

4. If you're going to tell a story about something that happened to you, just pull out the key highlights, there's no need to go into too much irrelevant details. I have no idea if you do this or not, but my experience with the few Aspies I know is that sometimes they go into excruciating details when telling a story...you don't want to bore her, that is the kiss of death.

5. Remember that you're not sure if you'll like *her* or not. This isn't just her deciding about you.

At the end of the date, be honest with her about whether or not you'd like to see her again. This is just my opinion, but if you like her (and she seems to like you) rather than say something vague like "we should get together again sometime" you could say "I had a great time, like to get together again next weekend for dinner (or whatever you'd like to do next).

Here is a list of some fun/interesting date ideas I put together when I first started dating my husband...hope this response wasn't major OVERKILL!

Fly kites together
Buy pop-rocks or other fun candy from when you were kids
Go for evening walk along the boardwalk
Have a water gun fight
Go snow shoeing/skiing/skating/roller blading/hiking etc.
Take a constellation guide outside on a clear night and try to identify constellations
Fix a picnic lunch or dinner for the beach
Have a movie themed dinner night
Photo safari (take photos of each other on a walk around town or at places that bring up special memories)
Paint by numbers together or paint each other’s portraits on black velvet
Sleep over-pjs, blankets on the floor, popcorn, movies, board games
Thrift shop dare (either buy each other a gift or see who can get the other person the most hideous outfit that you *have* to wear out to dinner)
Buy a piece of furniture at a garage sale and fix it up together.
Go “Cosmic Bowling” at a bowling alley, or play on wii
Bake and decorate a cake together
Set up a tent in the living room and go camping
Have a bonfire picnic, roast marsh mellows and hotdogs; make s’mores.
Blow bubbles on very cold day and watch them freeze and fall (or blow bubbles on a nice day)
Walk around town or the neighborhood with sidewalk chalk and draw pictures
Take a board game or cards to a coffee house
Take a tour of a brewing company
Find a skill you’d like to learn (chinese cooking, a new language etc). and practice it together.
Look for opportunities to go dancing (salsa, ballroom, etc.)
Go to a play by a small local theater company, or a concert in the park.
Drive in movie!
Take the train to a town or area of the city you've never been before. Make up stories about your fellow passengers.
Go out to a really fancy restaurant for dessert only
Visit a museum, go out for coffee afterward to talk about art
Visit a planetarium
Attend the symphony
Get a book on yoga for couples and practice some of the positions (Lovers’ Yoga: soothing stretches for two)

Some of these wouldn't be good for a second date, but after you've been seeing each other for awhile.

Absolutely not! I'm re-reading every word and deeply appreciate it! Thank you so much!

I'm sure there's a lot of other guys in my situation who will find it helpful too.

Anyway, wish me luck, I'm going to try really hard not to screw up on Saturday but I even if I do, I intend to keep trying until I finally succeed...

You should definitely act yourself and not try to pull it off as the cool guy if you get the jist. I think you should play all ears and eye contact. Try to do all the little things such as: pull out her chair, open doors, and a friendly hug. Don't over compliment bc then she may think you're coming off too strong. Just make it a friend date if anything.

I most certainly could not pull off the "cool guy" if I wanted to!

But anyway, that reminds me - when I first see her should I shake her hand, give her a friendly hug, or do nothing?

If you're at the coffee shop when she gets there, just stand up in her presence and shake her hand, introduce yourself. Even if you're not sitting when she gets there, and are just meeting her there (if you're standing already), a handshake is still safer. Hugging a stranger can be awkward and it also sets yourself up for the "goodbye" and having to figure out if you do a hug again, or regress to a handshake, etc. It will also make her more comfortable to stay out of her personal space initially. That being said, if SHE initiates a hug, don't insult her by going for the handshake. Let her hug you.

Just don't worry too much about it. I posted something in response to one of your other posts, and I will say the same thing here...don't focus on the details, look at the "big picture" stuff. Don't overthink whether there will or will not be a walk. If you overplan for one thing and then things take another turn, you might become more nervous. Just plan on coffee...it's a first date, so don't try to drag it on longer than is necessary. A lot of people who date online may only do an hour-long first date to begin with (some of these dating sites encourage short, first dates), so don't worry about what happens after the coffee. You said that you're concerned about walking anyway, so just try to keep it in the coffee shop, you know? Why add another stressor early on. If the walk happens, it happens. If not, that's okay. Just try to keep things at the table in the coffee shop--I've met people for this before, and when we're done chatting we just go home...you don't always need to take it to another level right away.

As for your awkward hand movements and such...keep your hands in your pocket. That should solve that problem. Overall, remember that these are things you need to be working on all the time, not just when on a date. If you rely on trying to put on your best NT face only when in public, then it's going to be harder, and the girl or boss or friend will eventually notice the awkward gait or hand movements. Just like you have been able to "master" the eye contact and can do a pretty good job with smiling, you need to practice this other stuff too...make it a habit, a part of your daily life. Then you won't need to worry so much about what happens in these situations.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for the advice.

I'm a little worried by the fact that she was raised in Argentina, so a handshake might seem a little too cold. But a handshake it will be, unless she moves otherwise.

I'm not really obsessing on the details of the date so much as I am doing everything in my contol to improve my confidence/reduce my nervousness.

I actually haven't given one minute's thought to what I will actually do after we sit down!

I'm just going to wing-it...