How can I overcome my fear of rejection?

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Alright, This is my first real post, please forgive me if it seems kinda long...

Ok, so I've always had trouble talking to girls I find romantically attractive. I've had friends that are girls that I wasn't attracted to and I never found it any more difficult talking to them than I would any of my other friends, but whenever I meet a girl I like or develop a crush on someone, I find it so difficult to talk to them or acknowledge any interest in them that I usually end up ignoring them completely out of fear that I might do or say something that would turn them off or offend them.

Now, I have never had a girlfriend or dated anybody in my life. I was recently in a situation where I could've been in a relationship had I wanted to, but I backed out because I really did not feel any romantic connection at all with this person and it seemed like my family and friends were just pressuring me into being with this girl just because I've never had a girlfriend. I also do not trust this girl very well anymore after overhearing some unfavorable comments she made about me when her cellphone dialed my number by accident.

However, There is this other girl that I've had a crush on since high school. She was a freshmen in my T.V. productions class during my junior year. It's really hard to explain but I've never felt this strongly about any other girl before. There was just something about her personality that I always liked. I didn't really talk to this girl all that much when I was actually in high school with her, it didn't help that when I was in T.V. Prod. with her, My teacher was one of those who treated me like I was stupid just because I had AS, So I never really got to spend alot of time with her or most of the other students because she would always try to specifically group me with this other boy who had down's syndrome. Now I had nothing against him or anything, infact I got along with him quite well, but I was always disappointed with the way I was treated differently than the other students just because I had AS. But anyway, I figured this girl was just another crush that would eventually fade away like the other dozen or so before her, but year after year since I had graduated I kept having these reoccurring feelings for her and they wouldn't go away, even after I'd met other girls and forgotten about them completely, my thoughts always came back to her.

So, I eventually found this girl on MySpace, but it took several months before I got up the courage to even add her as a friend, and when I finally did, I was shocked to find out that we both had much more in common than I had ever realized, so then I started talking to her a little bit and we eventually made a plan to meet at the movies. Well, that didn't turn out quite so hot. I was so nervous after I had even gotten this far, that I didn't ever bother to ask where she specifically wanted to meet me at once I got there. So I waited outside for a few minutes after the movie had already started and I about gave up when she and her friend finally came walking up. WHEW! I was so relieved that I had found her and managed not to look like too much of an idiot, so as we were walking to our movie, I was approached by the boy I knew from T.V. Prod. with down's who happens to work at this particular theater. Now normally I wouldn't have minded if he came up to me for a quick chat about Star Wars or whatever, but here I was with my high school crush who I hadn't seen in years and suddenly it with him showing up, it was like reliving old high school nightmares all over again. I told him I kinda had to go but that if he wanted to chat any other time that would be fine.

so, anyway, I sit through the whole movie with this girl. I wasn't really even paying much attention to the movie so much as I was sitting there in disbelief that I was actually sitting right next to my high school crush. so, after the movie ends, The only thing I could come up with to say to this girl, after all this time, was "So, Did you like the Movie?" I didn't even ask for her phone number.

Needless to say, it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. However, I still try to keep in contact with her on MySpace, but she seems like she's been kind of busy with other things lately so I try not to bother her. she hasn't been on MySpace lately anyway. She still responds to my messages though and hasn't shown any disinterest in talking to me, so that can't be bad, right?

Anyway, What I'm really looking for is some good advice as to where I should go from here. I've tried asking for advice on other forums and most people just seem to think I'm after sex. I'm attracted to this girl first and foremost for her kindness and for her personality. I, personally also happen to find her pretty, but she is definitely not the conventionally attractive type of girl that most men would go for. even if things just didn't work out in a romantic relationship, I'd really just like to be friends with her.

I'm really running out of ideas and I'm just looking for some good advice.

I know the exact same feeling. Especially the part of wondering what she thinks, and trying to rationalise it... Less about sex, more about affection. Thinking about her all the time is logical since you're not used to finding someone - I'm really happy to hear that you keep some kind of touch with her, and found out she's interesting and nice as you hoped.

I can't be a good example - but at least I improved my social skills, so I might mention alcohol.

It's problematic because of its addictive potential - so it's difficult to recommend - but I have to admit that it helped me get over my anxiety in general. After a couple of times getting drunk, I just got to drinking to the level where people don't actually notice, and it raised my confidence.

I'm not the best example, as said - I still have the tendency to drink when with people, although I'm not addicted and never lose control - but it helped me. I still have trouble with dating, for many reasons, and yet am more open and less afraid when under some influence - even if only to flirt with someone, and not interested in actual dating. The times I did got almost close were due to my self-medicating habits.

If you have already established a relationship with her, perhaps drinking a few times before meeting her or messaging her (carefully, the least amount needed) would help you get rid of the fear, and used to being open about your feelings with her. When I'm with people today I'm okay, even when I don't drink, yet I still have the fear as you have, because the sense that there's a lot to lose if things go wrong. The positives are that nowadays when I drink I can tell how I feel, and before it turns into a too-long obsession and than rejection hurts even more. I even found someone I feel exactly the same about, and knows how I feel, and though we're not romantically involved, she actually accepts it, isn't afraid of my weirdness of telling it to her, and we even got somehow emotionally closer at times, because I learned to free my mind - primarily thanks to alcohol. Again, even when not drunk, although I do prefer to drink.

Of course, I would be a total ass if I would ignore the potential problems, and how it can make things worse if you're not used to drinking already. Basically, if someone here contradicts me, I advise listening to him. But I just shared my "story".

I honestly don't know the answer to this question. I ponder this myself.

For me, I haven't asked out a girl since I was in high school, which was 8 years ago. And out of the 9 girls I asked out, ALL of them rejected me. They rejected me nicely, but I started wondering if maybe I was ugly or something, and I hated the feeling of being rejected, so I stopped asking girls out.

Now I'm approaching my 28th birthday in 8 months, and I still haven't kissed a girl or had sex. I also get told a lot that I'm 'too nice', and that that's partially my problem. I don't understand this...when did being nice become a bad thing?

I'm not in a situation where I can ask out a girl right now (the last girl I was interested in was last term, and the class ended, so I'll probably never see her again.) But should I just take a chance next time, and face the possible storm? Will it sting much harder than it did in high school, since I'm putting much more emphasis on it now?

OP, do you think you can be honest with her (via email) about what's going on with you? I'm not suggesting that you pour your heart out to this girl, but can you give her some background?

Since you two when to high school together, was she aware of your diagnosis at the time? If not, you should probably tell her about it now. If she is aware that you have AS, you should probably take the opportunity to explain to her what that really means, in terms of your social skills. If she doesn't have a context for your behavior, e.g., that you have AS, and what that means, then she could easily misinterpret it.

I know that revealing this kind of information might make you feel enormously vulnerable....probably the reason you've opted to do nothing when you've been attracted to a girl, rather than risk doing the wrong thing. But I don't think your relationship with this young lady can progress unless you're willing to take some risk. Start small - tell her about your AS, tell her you would have liked to talk with her more when you went to the movie together, and explain why you weren't able to. See how she responds. If her response is positive, you can slowly reveal more to her about the "real" you. Sound like a plan? Good luck.

by being rejected

Easy. So easy. Go up and talk to her.

That may sound overly simple but it's how I did it. I got rejected but after that I had no fear at all about such things.

I understand the kindness etc over sex part as well, I am the same way.

I hate being rejected too.
When you're an adult, you'll find most people will try to be polite about it though, so I don't think anyone will be really horrible t you. But there are exceptions though.

Fear of rejection is by definition a learnt anxiety (true even if you haven't personally been rejected). So therefore CBT would be a good way.

I have to admit it has figured with me, however I consider it an extension of my social anxiety and I come on leaps and bounds with that.

Part of it would be to understand how normal rejection is. You are doing it all the time; you just take it for granted. All of those people you wouldn't want to go out with, you are effectively rejecting. But you don't loose sleep over it nor should you. It doesn't mean you hate them, they are not you cup of tea and for the most part you don't think of them.

I don't know if you have ever had to reject someone who clearly likes you a lot in person? If you have ever had to do that, and believe me it may come up no matter how unlikely you think it is. It is quite an awkward situation to say the least, because most people do not want to cause upset and heartbreak. This is a reason why people can sometime feel messed around, because the admired cannot bring themselves tell them outright, but telling them the best thing to do, so if someone tells you early on, you shouldn't resent them for it. In fact they are damage limiting, it gives you at least the opportunity to begin getting over it.

The odds of you or anyone hooking up with the first person that catches your eye are low. Logically speaking you would encounter many potentials before you find someone you have 'chemistry' with. Being rejected is actually a necessity, not a bad thing. You should take it as a sign of progress. Fixation is the complement of fear of rejection, you become fixated on someone they become your everything, but chances are you don’t really know them. If it turn out they are a piece of work, you may not even accept that because you are clouded by your idea of them, so combating fear of rejection also involves progressively stopping the fixation. (I’m a big fan of proactive rather then reactive or retrospective approaches). So therefore you need to not put people up on a pedestal and scold yourself if you do. If you have a massive fall out from rejection, you aren’t busy moving on. It sets you back, so obviously not something you would want to repeat.

One thing you could try, although probably not be suitable for a first step, is to ask people who you are fairly neutral about, don’t really like, don’t really dislike, going informal things like coffee. Try not to build it up to be more than it is. You never know you might find someone you really jell with but otherwise it is not a big deal. It has little to do with lowering you standards either, it is more about dealing with the anxious thought san behaviour.