What can I do to help my AS boyfriend?

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Hi all. I'm new to the boards, though I've been reading through a lot of previous posts for the past few weeks for some insight.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 7 months now, and we'd been friends for about a year prior to that. One thing that I learned a few months prior to dating him is that he was diagnosed as having AS a few years ago. I know that, as with any disorder, AS will look different across different people--in his case, he's not too bad socially but often gets tunnel vision when it comes to his big interests: sports knowledge (or sports ANYTHING), video games, and looking at websites on the internet. There have been instances where he'll lose a whole day, forgetting to eat or shower, just from one of these--though he says they've been happening a lot less than they used to.

He's just started a master's program in engineering. Last semester, he worked so hard to apply and get in--even when his attention could potentially be diverted. But if he hops on the internet before leaving for class, it's starting to become common that he'll either be late for class or miss it entirely. As a result, he's starting to have problems completing assignments for his classes--and it's killing him that he's not doing well, he believes that he's letting everyone he knows down. He's becoming anxious, and he's been beating himself up a lot--he's told me that when he was in undergrad, he's pretty sure he was depressed and was having some similar issues doing what needed to be done. And he knows he needs to be doing better--he told me last night he felt awful the day that he skipped class. He knows that he doesn't want things to be like this, but he doesn't know how he can make them better. I went over to his apartment last night, and it was so difficult for me to see him falling apart. He even mentioned that a few days ago, he was having suicidal thoughts--and I got really scared. I love him very much (and have told him so), and I don't know what I can do.

I feel like it's hard for me to say the right things here. If he weren't so low, I'd normally tell him that he knows what he should be doing, and he should do just that--to "man up", so to speak. But I don't think that will work in this case--I really think he should try to talk to someone who is qualified to help, and I told him so last night. Other than that, I don't know what else to do or say. I'm an NT grad student who's never had a problem with time management or taking care of my courses, so I'm afraid of coming off like I'm disappointed in him or that I can't understand why he is how he is.(I mentioned that I had students who never came to class, and they ended up failing. Big mistake. It only made him more upset, and he yelled "I don't want to fail!)

I just want him to be happy with who he is, and I want him to believe that he CAN succeed. If you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them--I feel like anything I say is going to come out wrong for these past few days.

People with aspergers are prone to depression, and stress such as starting this new thing encourages it.

He needs to see a psychiatrist asap and perhaps get some medication.

One thing that would help is that he needs to wait until after class before getting on the internet.

Hes probably had untreated depression for a long time.

I'm quite often like this - going on the internet to check the same message boards over and over again. This all sounds very familiar, and I've always had issues with time management as a student. I'm still a bit like this and have had some difficulties adjusting to the new semester so far, though I think I'm still just about coping.

What worked for me was having no computer at home. I know this is not acceptable for the long run, because ultimately one must write a thesis and devote some time to it at home. In fact, I'm typing this from my home computer right now. But last semester, when I had no computer at home, I didn't waste nearly as much time as I did as an undergraduate. Also, I had a bad patch as an undergraduate where I basically did no serious work for several months, without realising how behind I was getting. This period promptly ended when my computer broke down; otherwise, I'm sure it would have continued and then who knows? Maybe I wouldn't be in graduate school.

Another lesson is that an important skill as a student, especially as you get further along, is to defer gratification. Psychologically one tends to get more work done by saving the procrastination for later rather than saving the work for later. So maybe one compromise would be to never use the computer at home in the morning, only at night after he's had a solid day's work (and not to stay up all night on the computer, if he's like me).

I have less to say about the suicidal thoughts, these are perhaps more worrying and if they persist I'd seek professional help. Even then, a bit of therapy probably wouldn't hurt either.

Graduate school is tough. Moreover, engineering is generally a tough program. If your boyfriend is to maintain his social ties and at the same time keep up with his school-work, something needs to be sacrificed.

Sounds like he's dealing with what's called "inertia," which is tends to go along with AS -- specifically getting 'stuck' in an activity, being unable to break away (also makes it hard to initiate tasks). It's related to "executive functioning," which is known to be impaired in people with ASD's. (Attwood's book mentions it, but I can't remember the page #.)

He needs to know because it isn't laziness, especially if he's getting suicidal about it. (It's one of those things the autism experts should be informing the people they diagnose about, but AFAICT they generally don't.) Some ASD folks have ended up starved, with food in the kitchen, as a result of it.

There are essays around about inertia and various ways people have found to work around it. Off the top of my head, here's one:

http://www.autistics.org/library/inertia.html

Of course, there could also be other things involved, too -- stress leading to finding refuge in distractions, lack of "down time," and/or depression as others have mentioned, etc.

My point is, if intertia is a big component, then it's the kind of problem that needs to be dealt with smartly, rather than just brute-force "manning up" (which is likely to fail in the long run).

If you're worried about suicide, you could make sure to tell him in clear terms that you want him to be alive, and that such an action would hurt you.

And yeah, "inertia" can be tough.