Should I stay with a guy who won't marry me?

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Let me start out by saying that A: I don't believe in marriage B: Even if I did ever want to marry anyone, I doubt I'd want to marry the guy I'm with now.

So, you're probably wondering why I care that my boyfriend won't marry me. Well... backstory:

He has a tendency to talk a lot (about everything, really) but in particular about his exes. He was talking about why he broke up with one of his girlfriends.

Him: She was Jewish and wanted to marry me.
Me: And?
Him: ...well, she was Jewish. I can't marry a non-Catholic.
Me: ...but I'm an atheist.
Him: *laughing* You're not after me to marry you, though.

So this little exchange got me to thinking.

1. He's using me for sex., This relationship isn't actually going anywhere. At this point, he doesn't know that I don't believe in marriage. He probably thinks that I'll hit him up for an engagement ring at some point like a good little NT chick (he doesn't know I'm autistic)
2. Our philosophical differences may prove troubling somewhere down the road.

Thoughts? I don't actually CARE about getting married. It's the entire reasoning behind it.

just some random thought

well if he is catholic he probably wont be dating you just for sex. that being said, he probably thinks the taught of marrying someone who doesn't believe in a catholic god is laughable. with his Jewish girlfriend he wouldn't know what church to go to etc.. how long did you wait till you put out if you waited long he probably isn't with you just for sex. if he wanted someone just for sex he would get some other girl that was somewhat more frisky. don't know if it was helpful, hope it was.

I know what you mean. My ex said to me that he would never marry me as I was not a 'good muslim girl' and insted he planed to marry a nice girl but keep me as his mistress! He could not understand why I found this whole concept extremely insulting and hurtful. Im an athiest and I dont beleive in marriage but it is hurtful if ones partner does believe in marriage but would not marry oneself, its implying that one is not good enough for them.

My opinion from several of your posts over the last few weeks is that you should terminate your relationship anyway as it does not sound very satisfying and Im sure you could find someone who meshed better with you and made you happier and feel more loved.

He's not the type of catholic who actually goes to church. He just pays lip service. People like him are the reason I hate religion.

We haven't actually had sex yet. We've just done sexual things. That started fairly quickly.


See. that's the sort of thing that would make me feel like a whore (which is kind of how I feel when I go over to his house and we don't actually DO anything other than... the obvious)


But I've never had a relationship before this one. I never leave my apartment. I don't know how I'd find another one.

He obviously does believe in marriage, so it will come to a head eventually. It's just a matter of how long he is willing to maintain the relationship as is. That doesn't mean that you can't change his mind about it before then, because sometimes that does happen that people are able to compromise. But this is a big thing in the scheme of the relationship, so he is not likely to change about it. That said, I do not think that this requires an immediate break up because he's not the one. If you do meet someone more compatible while you are with him, honesty would definitely be the best course of action. But you can date and even live with someone and know that it will probably not end up working. You are just more prepared for it when it happens emotionally. Relationships are give and take, and more fail than succeed. But enjoying them while you have them, that is a very important thing to learn. That is my opinion of it, I wish you luck either way

Well do you actually need another one then? Are you comfortable without one? If you're only staying in it in order to have a relationship that you're not enjoying then why bother putting yourself through that kind of misery? If you want a relationship that's just sexual then don't feel guilty about it, simply do it and enjoy it. If you want a more loving relationship and this one isn't delivering then why bother with it? Working towards a goal down a path that doesn't go towards it is illogical and probably painful the further down you go.

Also, religion has even more reasons to be hated than just that one lol. Terrible, horrible thing it is.

I dislike the phrase, "Like a good little NT girl". It implies that all NT females wish to marry (not the case), that they are all somehow "better than you" because they are not Autistic (again not the case), that it somehow makes them more likely to be Religion Compatible (ditto).

So anyway... It sounds like this is not a good match for you. Especially if it is making you uncomfortable, it is better to be on your own than with someone that makes you feel used. Continuing in this relationship could lead to your acquiring some very painful and damaging hang-ups which could get in the way of your being happy with someone better for you later. I speak from experience here, it is so much better to skip the drama of a bad fit. I learned the hard way.

the first thing to do is end this relationship and deal with the upsetting feelings that will make and get over it, then after all that start making plans for finding someone new. If you do meet someone new it will be much more complecated if you are still involved with your current bf.

He doesn't want from you what you don't want from him (marriage). Were you contemplating a long-term or permanent non-marriage monogamous relationship with him? If not, I don't see a big problem. It may be that eventually the relationship may evolve into something where the question of marriage comes up, or it may go the other way. It sounds to me as if he likes not having the pressure to make the marriage commitment even though he does not know all the reasons why. Maybe what is bothering you is that he is "supposed" to want to marry you.

It sounds like the two of you are more than "friends with benefits" but not as hard-linked in some ways as social norms would call for. It also sounds more like he is treating you as an equal (from the small sample here).

Well this is kind of silliness. I know a couple AS women (software programmers, from a company I worked) who wanted badly to be married. In one case she actually gave him a deadline and lo & behold, he responded really well to that, and showed up with a ring right on time. In fact, I think he's AS too but undiagnosed (just my opinion). She wanted the security, it felt safe to her and there was no shame in her saying it. I also know many confirmed single NT women. I don't think this is an "on the autistic spectrum or not" issue. Some women want to be married, and some don't. No shame in either route in my opinion.

I did not want to get married in my 20s. My then-boyfriend, later-husband begged and pressured me relentlessly (5 years this went on). If he would have said what YOUR boyfriend said, I'd be flooded with absolute relief like: Thank God he's off my back! I realize everyone's different, but I wonder if part of you does want to be married, or at least views marriage as the "end game". Otherwise, who gives a rat? Party on, sounds like good times all around if neither of you wants to be married.

Honestly, as much as I love my husband it's mostly about health insurance these days anyway.

1) That kind of stuff is serious, and you were just having a casual conversation.
2) Maybe he just dosen't care about gettng married at all anyway

I think you hit the nail on the head here.

Perhaps you should tell him how hurt that comment made you feel and see if he explains it differently or has changed his mind since. If he sticks to what he says (i.e. her wants to be married, but not to you), then dump him. Why the hell would you want to stay with someone like that?

Get rid of him and use your time finding someone else.

He said he can't marry a non catholic, so what that says to me is he sees you as a short term something to do.

If you're enjoying your time with him, you can ride it out, but if not, I see no reason in staying with him. Keep in mind if he finds someone else he will leave you at the drop of a hat. Do you want that?

I know you don't want marrige, but his lack of well, seeing you as someone he loves and wants to be with is obvious. If someone doesn't want to marry you for a while, thats fine.

But he will never want to marry you. In other words, short term. His feelings for you won't change. Unless of course, he stated he wants a long term relationship and doesn't intend to ever marry.

ack, the sense of entitlement! Bless your heart....I think there are a tremendous amount of people who think this way though...as I've gotten older I've run into it more, how some folks hit you with an attitude that you shouldn't mind being a second string or pinch hitter because of course you are not good enough to be in first place. It's beyond strange.

Sounds like you're both thinking about the relationship in the same way. Personally, I'd think of that as a good thing, and avoid over-analyzing bits of conversation.

As I always say, why not stay together as long as you're enjoying each other's company for the most part? And if the relationship is making you unhappy, overall, why not end it? And if something he said is bothering you, talk to him about it. That way, you can both clear up any misunderstandings and you won't drive yourself crazy with over-thinking.


Also, casual mention of marriage is a strange thing within relationships. It can be really hard to tell how serious the other person is. Some people do have well-thought-out plans about marriage, but even then, people can change over time so I never know what to expect. On top of that, people often make off-handed, semi-serious remarks about marriage, either joking, or trying to figure out what your views on it are, or trying to express something else ("I love you so much I'd marry you right now" - as an impulsive expression of affection). It's really confusing.

"Even if I did ever want to marry anyone, I doubt I'd want to marry the guy I'm with now" Hell-loooo! Is this not EXACTLY the attitude that has you so p*ssed off at him??? You've already decided this whole relationship is not going to be permanent, but you're mad at him for...what? Being the first to say it out loud? This is what is commonly known as a 'double standard' - okay for you, not okay for him...



You don't believe in marriage, and if you did you wouldn't want to marry this guy. This relationship never was going anywhere, because you didn't want it to. You're just using him for sex, or conversation or to pass the time, or whatever you're getting out of it. That's all it ever was and all it was ever gonna be, which really, is not a problem, as long as everybody's honest about their intentions, which he has been and you have not.

You've just got your knickers in a twist because you want him to value you more highly than you're willing to value him. Get over yourself.