Women and the calmness fetish

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*****Note, the word "fetish" is used jokingly here, this is not about a real sexual fetish*****

Have any of the other guys on here noticed that many women have a kind of obsession with calmness, and don't appreciate or are turned off by guys who are hyper, fidgety, rambunctious, etc? It seems really common.

Thats because those traits are associated with immaturity.

women are aware of a lot of things guys aren't. They have to be So when a guy is bouncing around and not being predictable in his actions women get over loaded with input and usually just shut down. I know I would.

Yes, I guess it's one more part of the maturity fetish lots of women have. One of the many things that makes a lot of them no fun. And why aspie women might be easier to relate to.



This is actually another one of the theories I have why even aspie women are sometimes hard to relate to. A decent part of what makes me "me" is my obliviousness to and distance from reality in a lot of everyday situations. I'm thinking that many women whose brains make them that spacey may be "weeded out" during childhood and wind up who knows where, meaning I only meet the ones who seem less autistic because they are much more involved in the "real world".

How is being attrated to maturity a "fetish"? Its not normal to be attracted to little kids.

^^What he said.

It's not literally a fetish. In fact its really common (for women to want partners who act very adult and mature).

While attraction to little kids is not "normal" (it does happen in some cases, though VERY unwise to act on), there's nothing wrong with being attracted to adults who act like kids. And note this doesn't mean not being ignorant, incapable, or anything other than just not acting according to the general demeanor people expect of adults. I happen to be a person who thinks acting adult is overrated.

People generally prefer the company of those who don't make them feel uncomfortable.

I prefer to be around guys who are calm, so yes.

I am a man and can't reconcile with people like that for the same reason. It has little to do with gender. As someone put it me aptly: "Some people are hyperkinesic/hyperactive, whilst others cannot have any form of distraction. They usually set each other off”

The point is to find someone compatible.

Generally speaking, when I am looking for a guy I want a guy who can be a calming presence in my life. Basically a guy who will be stable enough when I am anxious to make me feel more comfortable.

I think part of it may be subconscious instinct, women want to feel they are safe when choosing a partner. This includes emotionally safe. So if a guy has a calm demeanor and temperment, it is usually a pretty good sign. I will tell you having an ASD, having a guy who is calm is especially important to me.

A guy who is too hyper or anxious would be a bad thing for me personally. Alot of women look for stability in long term partners.

Its funny, because as much as the whole nice guy/bad boy/jerk etc myth is popular on this board, this is probably the first inquiry that may be closer to the truth about what women look for in men and relationships. Its not that women are turning down nice guys and going for jerks. It is more or less women look for guys with self confidence and a calm. The truth is early on (when in HS) women often go for guys with self confidence, but are not...well stable (ie jerks). As time goes on and women date more men the more they can tell about a guy where he is self confident and stable. The sad thing is many AS men on this board have not matured past the high school mentality of nice guy/jerk, and yes there may be certain behaviors present which may show that may represent red flags to many women, some which are conscious and some which are subconscious. Calmness definitely is one of them.

I am very high energy. I work hard, I play hard, I love hard. I am intense. I am extroverted and socially oriented. If I had a guy who was all those things, I'd be in big trouble. I am drawn to calmness like a moth to flame.

I do understand about being 'weeded out' in childhood. If a girl is spacy in their mind and not carefully watched and coached as to the ways of the world, they can definately wind up as a victim of sexual preditors, amoral opportunists or schoolyard bullies. Not being 'involved in the real world' can be fatal. I suppose if one is institutionalized it can be avoided, but then you are not going to meet them, now are you?

I never heard of women with a calmness fetish. It's like it's something new everyday. One day someone says "women like outgoing guys" and then it's "women like calm guys" ...Idk what to thing anymore. All these dumbass opinions about stuff. All this forum is is just opinions. I've seem girls hang all over the silliest guys who acted out and stuff like that. Idk if you're talking about grown women or girls. Anyways most aspies are calm anyways, and some people say calm is boring, so wtf? idk what to think. The truth is nobody knows, so just be yourself. If you aren't calm, then dont be calm.

It does seem that some men here are very focused on the nice guy/jerk dichotomy, though I don't think all of them are. I think that the biggest way in which we are delayed has to do with not being at the point in life where stability matters in a partner. At least if I'm any indication.

In some sense I am attracted to women who are calm, for the reason that BetsyRath mentioned, to balance out my own excitability and intensity. But I also find that such women often can't understand me that well, and may want a partner who is also calm and very adult-acting, so I also consider women who act hyper and childlike attractive in quite some ways.

Yes, maybe later in life I will want someone to turn to for comfort and to calm me when I'm anxious, but as of now, excitement and curiosity are what drives who I find attractive. And I don't think I understand the adult mindset well enough to understand what truly mature people want out of relationships.

It seems certain people think of hyperactivity and fidgeting as relating to people who are easily angered and/or reckless, whereas in my case I see it as an expression of creative energy, freedom, and continued amazement with the world. When a little kid runs around after seeing a new toy for the first time, he/she shows an enthusiasm for new things and an ability to be carefree. I often get an impression of jadedness from adults who are very calm, that they have lost this ability to see the new and interesting. In my experience, it also can have something to do with feeling constrained. Too many adults seem to always be in the mindset of something needing their attention, they never seem to just be themselves--and I dread ever being like that.

And sinsboldly, if the world is really that much harsher on girls, that makes me in many ways really sad. Though I guess if you grow up with that, you adapt to it. I almost couldn't imagine living life without feeling the capacity to retreat into my mental world where everything seems beautiful and "right".

And MJackson, I can be very calm when immersed in something mesmerizing, at least in terms of physical activity level. Though I can then turn to being like a jumpy kid under certain circumstances. Plus, I cannot be comfortably still for long when NOT deeply enthralled by something. The keyword is comfortably, I can do it if I need to (for work/classes, etc.) but wouldn't choose to. It sometimes feels a bit like ADHD, except it hasn't impacted my attention in any really important way--unless you count my lack of attention to social cues.