Aren't relashionships hard work?

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Me and my boyfriend both have aspergers, although my boyfriend doesnt talk about it and i didnt find out straight away. we have been together nearly a year now.

Things seem to be taken out of proportion. Every little thing seems to start a fight. For example, i have got accused of being false in a couple of occasions now. i also tend to take things out on him. I just find the relashionship so stressful sometimes, and i do have trust/jealousy issues.

the good stuff is still there, and i feel happy alot of the time. I just wish the bad stuff wasnt there quite so frequently. hes also at uni which makes it even harder...
xxxxx

Yeah. Every relationship takes work. Even those so-called "perfect" ones. Some take more than others though, and you have to decide whether the work is worth it in this particular instance.

Yes, every relationship does take work. No doubt about it. But it's been my experience that when you're really compatible with someone, it doesn't really feel like work. In my current relationship, we know we work hard at it (we're both Aspies) but communication for us flows naturally. This has been a new experience for me. For everything to be so effortless. There's a balance between the two of us so we compliment each other well.

I think the hugest benefit is that our brains function in the same way. I don't mean because we're both ASD, but because we communicate the same way and we have similar struggles, sensory issues etc. That makes it much easier to get through stressful situations and be compatible.

Yes, relationships take work. You have to learn a whole new set of skills if you want a successful relationship: you have to learn to communicate with each other. You have to be open and honest; you have to learn how to handle disagreements fairly and with kindness; you have to learn how to negotiate. Those skills take a lot of effort to learn. However, when you do learn them, they'll really pay off. The tension in the relationship will significantly lessen and you two will become closer. The only catch is that both of you have to be willing to do the work, then learn and practice the skills together.

You may want to invest a little in a couples therapist to learn those skills, but there are also lots of good books about how to communicate effectively in a relationship that could really help you. Good luck.

I find mine to be more of a timesink than it's worth. I just need my me time.

For me, me time is basically all of my time.

Yeah, it's work, and both parties have to be willing. I dated an NT woman for a while. We got in fights that I did not understand. It was my first relationship (and first sex as well) and I was determined to work hard to make it work. I reasoned that since I was new at this, and had heard lots of discouraging things about women/emotions-men/logic etc. that I was in for a rough ride and should try extra hard to resist my Aspie instincts to throw the whole thing in the dumpster at the first sign of trouble.
So when I did not understand why she got mad at random things, I tried to stay patient and calm and unravel what was on her mind. I tried to rehash the conversation we had just had and find out where we derailed. She refused to participate, apparently because she did not trust A) her memory of what was just said and B) my motives in rehashing. I guess she thought I was trying to rewrite the history of the argument so I could win, even after I told her my sole purpose was to improve our communication. Our arguments became a sort of scientific black box, barred from scrutiny, so no lessons could be learned. I continued to fail to understand what was on her mind, and she refused to tell me. I still have no idea why we broke up. She stopped talking to me for a month, and I needed my stuff back that was at her place, so I called her and said "Well it looks like this isn't working, and I need my stuff." She agreed and we have stayed friends since, but she now says I dumped her (because I made the call after a month of her silent treatment).
Before you judge her, let me say that she had abuse and trust issues, and I'm still on her side and wish her well. It's too bad she was unable to participate in improving our communication. But there was only so much futile arguing I could take, so it made sense to end it.
I was depressed to find, after 38 years of solitude and then her taking my virginity and us being together for 8 months, that all the stereotypes I had ever heard about women were true. Illogical, irrational, emotional, moody, unpredictable, incomprehensible. I think that in a heterosexual relationship the conflicts that arise between logical men and emotional women are even worse when the guy has AS, because he depends on absolute logic in an even more extreme way than an NT male.

Okay, I don't want to invalidate your experience in any way - it sounds like you did work pretty hard at making your relationship work, and you didn't receive reciprocal effort from your gf (and that's not fair to you). But I'd just like to point out that all the stereotypes about women that were proven to be true were proven about that one woman. You mentioned she had abuse and trust issues - well, those were her problems to resolve, and it seems like she was a poor partner because she chose not to resolve them. It's not reasonable for any person - male or female, Aspie or NT - to say, "I was abused. I've got trust issues. Now go ahead and deal with that, honey." As you discovered, you can't resolve your partner's abuse and trust issues. You can choose to live with the fallout (or not), but you can't heal them. It's a shame that you suffered for it, but her failure to deal with her past trauma - and how it affected her ability to be a good partner to you - is on her.

And since you did show a willingness to work at a relationship, it would be a shame to write off all women - NT or Aspie - because of that one woman. I encourage you to expand your data set, before you draw any final conclusions - consider giving another woman or two a chance before you throw in the towel, okay?

I am NT and relationships are still one of the most time and energy consuming thing I have ever put myself through. Although the benifits are worth it, having someone always there for you but yes there is a lot of work that goes into relationships, like they said even a "perfect" relationship takes work but when you are both working twards the same thing and you both have your heart in it together, then the possibilities are endless don't let what I say frighten you from wanting a relationship, because once you feel the love of anouther there's no compairson to the way that feels.

Hope: I had a feeling someone would call me out on the stereotype thing. It wasn't my main point so I glossed over it in a way that may have been misleading. Here's a more detailed take:
I went a long time as a virgin and a basic "nice guy" who didn't understand women but believed in fairness and equality between the sexes. I heard all the locker room guy-talk, some of it misogynistic. I heard and read a lot of the men/Mars, women/Venus stuff. I tended to discount the cruder statements and stereotypes. I wanted to give women a fair shake and I sometimes argued against the more misogynistic stuff I heard. But I lacked experience, so my opinions, while well intentioned, were on the naive side. Before I met this GF I had seen evidence of disparate male/female tendencies in my parents and in friends who had partners, evidence that backed the stereotypes. I continued to hold that the differences were OK to acknowledge but should never form the basis of discrimination or misogyny. The differences centered around logic and emotions, and were not black and white; it seemed that women and men picked different times to USE logic, or to show emotion.
Then I met my GF and got on the roller coaster of an intimate relationship. Everything was as advertised in the male locker room, to such a degree that I was dismayed. She blew up over nothing. She refused to use logic. She was jealous of my time with my interests or guy friends. She fretted over any topic that could possibly be construed as comparing her to another woman, including topics that had nothing to do with this. She didn't like sex nearly as much as I did, and had plenty of excuses to avoid it, yet hallucinated that her libido was equal to mine. She talked too much. The whole slate, everything I had ever heard men complain about women, and not just in a laundry list way. The corroboration was a rich tapestry, down to nuances and subtleties, echoes of the things I had seen in my parents (who are still together, caring people, not dysfunctional, yet still showing these patterns).
I was depressed because I didn't want the macho men to be right, or to have ammo they could use to put women down. But now I see why they talk that way, even if I still don't agree that any of that stuff is a basis for gender discrimination.
I haven't thrown in the towel. I'm still fascinated with women and look forward to expanding my data set. But I got a serious reality shot with that relationship.

Hey dtoxic - Seriously, I do not doubt the validity of your experience with your gf. She sounds like a lot of the stereotypes that persist in our society - and to be honest, stereotypes typically evolve from some grain of truth. They really only get to be a problem when they're applied across a whole class of people....cause doing that ignores that we're all individuals.

You seem like a decent guy, and the tone of your first post made me think you'd been soured on the whole female gender because of your gf. I'm glad to see that's not true. You said she had a history of abuse and trust issues, and I just wanted to reassure you that her dysfunctional behavior is dysfunctional. It's not because she's a woman - it's because she's got psychological issues she hasn't dealt with. The jealousy, the anger, the insecurity, perception lacking alignment with reality, even (potentially) the lack of interest in sex....that's not healthy behavior. And as you discovered, as a partner, you can be as understanding as you'd like, you can love as much as you can, you can tolerate the abuse they dish out....but that's not going to provide the coping skills, and emotional healing, and the self knowledge they need to become a better partner to you. Someone with her issues is always going to externalize the source of trouble in the relationship, e.g., you're comparing her to other women, you don't spend enough time with her, you do all those things to make her angry....it gets old after a while, doesn't it? You were smart to get out when you did - you couldn't fix her. She has to fix herself, and refusing to do that is just selfish and immature.

And to the bigger issue of the differences between men and women - yes, we're different. Ready for some stereotypes? In myself and in my own experience, I find that women do tend to be more nurturing, more emotional, more intuitive than men. Women tend to be more verbal (definitely me), women tend to be more affectionate (we spend lots of times hugging, kissing, patting, touching our kids). Those stereotypes aren't true of all women, but they hold true for a lot of women I know (and I'm talking about NTs, btw).

Men tend to be less verbal, less emotional, more physical. They tend to be more "practical" lovers, meaning they show their love less by saying, "I love you," and with physical affection and more by doing things for the women in their lives. Again, not true for all men, but true for lots. But the differences between men and women can be the source of a great partnership. When you find the right woman, you'll find yourself celebrating those differences - because they'll seem complimentary, rather than a source of friction. Keep working to expand that data set - good luck.

my thoughts are that for some people on the spectrum, there are less benefits to relationships than there are for typical NTs who get a lot of pleasure from being with people and sharing emotions etc. Adding to that people on the spectrum are more likely to find relationships hard work as reading people and communication is such a struggle and stress. So its likely to be more hard work for less benefit.

However I also agree with CelticGoddess and think that which partner one has makes a huge difference and it is easier with someone who is more compatable (on personality more so than interests or ideals) as if they understand you better it takes a huge amount of the communication problems away.

Relationships are hard for everyone.

I found out I do not need relationships, so I am happy doing what I do now.

Exactly.

I'm one of those people for whom it doesn't seem like work. And my wife is the kind of woman who negates all your stereotypes. She isn't like any of them. That is not to say that I haven't met other women who do match the profile. The one I found who didn't is the one I married. It has been worth every second.

So in your case, you got hooked up with the wrong kind of person for you. She came with her own issues and baggage, and used them to sabotage your relationship. It was doomed from the beginning. When you meet a woman who is her exact opposite, you'll understand what we mean (we being those who have managed to have successful relationships with non-disagreeable people).

I have two life experiences...relationships with males pre-sobriety which seemed to be alot of fun because we were always loaded, and relationships with females post-sobriety in which every trauma or love deficit from her past got projected onto me in an attempt at retribution toward an unloving unaccepting mother and which relationships ended up being sh*tholes of human misery. I don't know but I wonder if this is just what happens when people don't have drink and drug to drown their sorrows in.

I think they are alot of work, yes, and I don't want to be in one with someone who is still projecting and hasn't done the work on themselves and their codependency and trauma. And I don't date people who use or drink so that pretty much lets out most of the human race, between those two criteria.