stupid question alert...again

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What do you do if you've realized you "like" someone as more than a friend, but definitely do not want to sleep with them? (Would like a relationship w/o sex)

Let them down easy, or they will get angry.

If they feel the same way about you as you do about them, the sex shouldn't matter. Make sure they know that it's not because you don't find them physically attractive, or their feelings might get hurt (I don't see why or how they would get angry, though).

EDIT: Just looked at your avatar and realized you're female.

Here are my thoughts as a male: If the girl I liked felt the same way about me, but didn't want to have sex, there's no way I would make that an issue and risk losing the emotional connection just because there wasn't as much of a physical one. Those physical desires can be handled (just realized that was a very bad accidental pun) without someone else. The emotional desires can't.

I haven't told this person b/c I don't want to create a mess... (he has enough crap to deal w/ & I ended up making him deal with some of mine recently... )

Hello

Of course the answer to this depends on a great many factors. The most important factor is one which can not be controlled: the other person & their feelings.

Could you tell please explain the difference between friendship, and a relationship without sex? Is the relationship ("more than friendship") meant to be a "romantic" partnership, except without sex?

Is it your friend in particular with whom you don't want to have sex - or is it just that you don't want sex with anyone? How much of an awareness does he have about your feelings for him? Is he aware that your friendship is, or could be, "more than a friendship" at all? How'd you meet him in the first place? Has there been a "progression" of sorts over the time you've known him, progressing toward the concrete signs that it is an early romantic relationship. Or is it the opposite - nothing has been expressed on the surface so far, that would indicate "more" was to expected to come.

This is obviously a tricky terrain for someone who has trouble interpreting non-verbal communication. Especially in this business of "romance" where it is so very common for people to say the opposite of what they mean; or just make up whatever they want to say and it's OK because they're just flirting / playing. They (we) often try to hide their true feelings during interaction with a potential "special friend" because you're not "supposed to" feel X and Y until Z (or possibly never). People sometimes try to act like someone they are not, because they think the other person will not like them they way they are.

It's only in retrospect that I can look back (now after discovering WP, sort of having an idea of what's been "wrong" with me all these years) and see so many times when I had no clue what was actually going on. Only the most obsessive guys kept trying through my obliviousness to get to know me, and in some cases I was accidentally leading them on to the point that they ended up becoming my stalkers (I've had a lifetime of stalkers, with varying levels of intensity, as far as them letting me know about it....). On the other hand I have also spent a great deal of time (20+ years) being "in love" with someone who really didn't even like me for most of that time, and perhaps actively dislikes me in fact, but sometimes pretended that he loved me. Now I can see he was really just faking it because he knew I wasn't seeing him accurately, so that he could say lies, have me believe him, then spend my money & get me to do his work for him. For real - people do this. And other people (like me) fall for their deceptions and wonder what went wrong.

I'm not sure how it goes when sex isn't part of the equation, though. Not necessarily actually having sex - but sex was always relevant some way.

Not having sex can signify a lot of different things, in my experience. The trick, I guess, is figuring out which one is being signified.

Hello

Of course the answer to this depends on a great many factors. The most important factor is one which can not be controlled: the other person & their feelings.

Could you tell please explain the difference between friendship, and a relationship without sex? Is the relationship ("more than friendship") meant to be a "romantic" partnership, except without sex?

Is it your friend in particular with whom you don't want to have sex - or is it just that you don't want sex with anyone? How much of an awareness does he have about your feelings for him? Is he aware that your friendship is, or could be, "more than a friendship" at all? How'd you meet him in the first place? Has there been a "progression" of sorts over the time you've known him, progressing toward the concrete signs that it is an early romantic relationship. Or is it the opposite - nothing has been expressed on the surface so far, that would indicate "more" was to expected to come.

This is obviously a tricky terrain for someone who has trouble interpreting non-verbal communication. Especially in this business of "romance" where it is so very common for people to say the opposite of what they mean; or just make up whatever they want to say and it's OK because they're just flirting / playing. They (we) often try to hide their true feelings during interaction with a potential "special friend" because you're not "supposed to" feel X and Y until Z (or possibly never). People sometimes try to act like someone they are not, because they think the other person will not like them they way they are.

It's only in retrospect that I can look back (now after discovering WP, sort of having an idea of what's been "wrong" with me all these years) and see so many times when I had no clue what was actually going on. Only the most obsessive guys kept trying through my obliviousness to get to know me, and in some cases I was accidentally leading them on to the point that they ended up becoming my stalkers (I've had a lifetime of stalkers, with varying levels of intensity, as far as them letting me know about it....). On the other hand I have also spent a great deal of time (20+ years) being "in love" with someone who really didn't even like me for most of that time, and perhaps actively dislikes me in fact, but sometimes pretended that he loved me. Now I can see he was really just faking it because he knew I wasn't seeing him accurately, so that he could say lies, have me believe him, then spend my money & get me to do his work for him. For real - people do this. And other people (like me) fall for their deceptions and wonder what went wrong.

I'm not sure how it goes when sex isn't part of the equation, though. Not necessarily actually having sex - but sex was always relevant some way.

Not having sex can signify a lot of different things, in my experience. The trick, I guess, is figuring out which one is being signified.

I've decided to take your question literally. I would tell them that I like them enough to make an investment, though I do not want any sex.

BTW, what touch in addition to actual intercourse do you include when you say "sex"?


Edit: On a marginally related note, I think I would be quite flattered to receive such a confession.

I'm not sure what you mean. I define the line between close friendship and relationship to be whether or not both parties are interested in sexual intimacy. Perhaps you mean something different.

The most important factor is one which can not be controlled: the other person & their feelings.
I have no idea what his feelings are towards me but I guess he thinks of me as a friend. I'll explain why & how our friendship developed later...

Could you tell please explain the difference between friendship, and a relationship without sex? Is the relationship ("more than friendship") meant to be a "romantic" partnership, except without sex?
I consider the difference between friendship & a relationship to be not only being able to talk about everything, but be willing to spend most of your time together, etc.- what do I know? (never had a relationship!) Confusing...

Is it your friend in particular with whom you don't want to have sex - or is it just that you don't want sex with anyone?

I don't want sex b/c my sensory issues (he's fully aware of them) cause me to have panic attacks & freak when people touch me... interpreting most kinds of casual touch as pain (me)= NO SEX DESIRED! (Who seeks pain? Not me!) At most I think I can learn to handle hugging & stuff if he can handle my "deep pressure needs"... physical expressions of affection are not good for me...

How much of an awareness does he have about your feelings for him? Is he aware that your friendship is, or could be, "more than a friendship" at all?

No clue

How'd you meet him in the first place?
I met him last semester within two weeks of coming to college (2nd semester now) because he's friends with people I met & we're in the same clubs (anime and medieval renaissance). I've known him for about 5-6 months.

Has there been a "progression" of sorts over the time you've known him, progressing toward the concrete signs that it is an early romantic relationship. Or is it the opposite - nothing has been expressed on the surface so far, that would indicate "more" was to expected to come.
Not towards romantic that I know of b/c b4 the story I'll get into & I've mentioned in other posts, I was certain that I'm an asexual... He helped me cope with an unwanted threesome offer (told me how to get the guy to back off), randomly offered to take me to a store w/ our other friends, keeps mentioning hanging out w/ friends, etc. (but he does that w/ all his friends, so I think that's all he thinks of me as). But b/c he's willing to put up w/ my "autistic crap" (listens to me whine a lot w/o complaining... god I feel guilty... he has enough crap to deal with...) Other stuff he's helped me deal with include not understanding my parents & a bit of a stalker issue... I asked him why in the world I'd have a stalker & he said (warning me full well I wouldn't want to hear it) that I count as "more than mildly attractive" aka stalking material... No idea how to take that one...? These feelings & confusion didn't hit until the threesome offer... I've been realizing I don't want to live alone w/o friends in an apartment forever with just a job like my mother expect(s)(ed) me to do...

Not having sex can signify a lot of different things, in my experience. The trick, I guess, is figuring out which one is being signified.

I put my responses within Hermier's quoted points (Hermier is italicized)...

I'm just freakin' confused.

Last edited by Peko on 16 Feb 2010, 11:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you google "Savage Love" you'll find the column of Dan Savage, who gives advice on kinky love questions of all kinds and who is a wise man.

I am basing my answer on something he would say:
You may not have needs, but your partner probably has them. And as your partner, he has a right to having this need fulfilled. If this is not possible for you, perhaps you can give him other outlets.
Possible solutions:
An open relationship, in which he is allowed to seek out sex with other people (in your presence or apart from it), but remains your partner
Allowing him to masturbate in your arms (I wouldn't be satisfied with that as a man, but maybe he is).

Either way, this is something you must talk about with him. He sounds like an understanding and loving person.