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dt18
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18 Mar 2010, 11:51 pm

What is the likelihood that a male autistic will find a girl that likes him for who he is? This worries me.



ebec11
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19 Mar 2010, 12:19 am

I think that you have to worry about yourself first, and when you start working on your faults, the girls will follow. And everyone has to do this, not just Aspies or Autisitics. We just have more of them most of the time.



Aspiewifey
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19 Mar 2010, 12:23 am

I think this is a question with way too many variables for anyone to answer in any kind of useful way. I suspect if people try to answer, you will get either bitter negatives that there's no chance, from people who've been hurt in the past. Or, people who want to be constructive will try to tell you how to improve your chances, but won't actually be able to answer you exact question.



dt18
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19 Mar 2010, 12:28 am

ebec11 wrote:
I think that you have to worry about yourself first, and when you start working on your faults, the girls will follow. And everyone has to do this, not just Aspies or Autisitics. We just have more of them most of the time.


I will agree. That is one of my main problems. However, girls these days look at me like I'm a creep or something without even giving me a reason as to why. That angers me more than anything else. As long as that happens, nothing will ever get done.



Merle
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19 Mar 2010, 12:56 am

Based on the information given, 50-50.

You either do or you don't, the ratio of men and women is roughly 1:1, et c.



Sound
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19 Mar 2010, 2:11 am

dt18 wrote:
What is the likelihood that a male autistic will find a girl that likes him for who he is? This worries me.
1:1

The problem is that you can put obstacles in front of people so that they are not able to see and appreciate who you are. Those obstacles tend not to be a core part of who you are. Most of the time, they're simply bad habits or inexperience. Both can be kicked, while your core identity is unchanged.

In the event that someone is able to see who you are, then there is little reason for a person not to appreciate you.

Do you disagree with this?



jimdotbeep
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19 Mar 2010, 3:04 am

I am also a male facing the same problem. I feel your pain. I personally feel that an autistic or asperger cannot have that kind of deep emotional with a neurotypical. Which put the odds heavily against me. Significantly less that 1% of the population is autistic, and of that small amount only a fourth of us are female. I've basically excepted I'll never find someone. :shrug:



dt18
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19 Mar 2010, 8:47 am

Sound wrote:
dt18 wrote:
What is the likelihood that a male autistic will find a girl that likes him for who he is? This worries me.
1:1

The problem is that you can put obstacles in front of people so that they are not able to see and appreciate who you are. Those obstacles tend not to be a core part of who you are. Most of the time, they're simply bad habits or inexperience. Both can be kicked, while your core identity is unchanged.

In the event that someone is able to see who you are, then there is little reason for a person not to appreciate you.

Do you disagree with this?


Not at all and I have a feeling that's exactly how it is. But, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what I do wrong. My biggest fear is being single forever.



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19 Mar 2010, 9:40 am

I suspect that there is a very good chance that you will find many who like you. I think the thing you need to consider is that you might not recognize that they like you.

There were a number of incidents where I discovered too late that a woman was attracted to me and was flirting with me. It was my negative self image that made me assume that they didn't like me despite their strangely flirtatious behavior.

When I saw flirtatious behavior, I didn't know what to do so I backed away from these women. I think if I had just behaved in a friendly, but calm manner, I might have been able to form a closer, better relationship. Knowing myself, I doubt I would have made any further moves, but things could have been easier.

I'm not particularly qualified to give advice on this subject but I'll do so nevertheless. Assume that if people don't appear to actively dislike you, they probably have a positive attitude toward you. Be friendly without going overboard. Don't pretend to be anyone other than yourself - unless you are an awfully good actor, you probably won't pull it off. Be honest, but tactful. In short, be a good, decent person. This isn't going to appeal to every woman you run into, but it will appeal to a large percentage.

You have probably already encountered women who like you. Generally they will not admit it openly because they want to hear that you like them a little too. If you get a bit of friendliness, give a little back and you may discover that something can grow out of that.

Good luck,

Lars



MichelleRM78
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19 Mar 2010, 9:47 am

jimdotbeep wrote:
I am also a male facing the same problem. I feel your pain. I personally feel that an autistic or asperger cannot have that kind of deep emotional with a neurotypical. Which put the odds heavily against me. Significantly less that 1% of the population is autistic, and of that small amount only a fourth of us are female. I've basically excepted I'll never find someone. :shrug:


Why can't a person with AS have an emotional connection with an NT? I have not understood this anytime it has been said.



Lene
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19 Mar 2010, 11:15 am

dt18 wrote:
What is the likelihood that a male autistic will find a girl that likes him for who he is? This worries me.


Not to be glib, but it really depends what type of person you are.

Being autistic isn't the killer itself. It's what you do about your negative personality traits, and how you emphasise your positive ones that will determine the likelihood of someone liking you.

If you are worried you are unloveable, then perhaps you are difficult to get along with, or perhaps you just have low self-esteem, which itself is not attractive to many healthy people (predators love it though).

These things are not unfixable though, and making yourself a better person is not about compromising 'who you are'; it's called 'self-improvement' and is part of growing up.

Many people work at their personalities, and expect potential partners to have done the same, so if someone is clearly aware of a problem but just sits there and says 'this is me, love me or leave me', then most people will probably opt for the latter.



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19 Mar 2010, 11:45 am

jimdotbeep wrote:
I am also a male facing the same problem. I feel your pain. I personally feel that an autistic or asperger cannot have that kind of deep emotional with a neurotypical. Which put the odds heavily against me. Significantly less that 1% of the population is autistic, and of that small amount only a fourth of us are female. I've basically excepted I'll never find someone. :shrug:


The male-female ratio only applies to those with an actual AS diagnosis, the actual numbers may be more even. However, the AS diagnosis is supposedly being phased out with the coming of the DSM-V.


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MountZion
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19 Mar 2010, 12:56 pm

jagatai wrote:
I suspect that there is a very good chance that you will find many who like you. I think the thing you need to consider is that you might not recognize that they like you.

There were a number of incidents where I discovered too late that a woman was attracted to me and was flirting with me. It was my negative self image that made me assume that they didn't like me despite their strangely flirtatious behavior.

When I saw flirtatious behavior, I didn't know what to do so I backed away from these women. I think if I had just behaved in a friendly, but calm manner, I might have been able to form a closer, better relationship. Knowing myself, I doubt I would have made any further moves, but things could have been easier.

I'm not particularly qualified to give advice on this subject but I'll do so nevertheless. Assume that if people don't appear to actively dislike you, they probably have a positive attitude toward you. Be friendly without going overboard. Don't pretend to be anyone other than yourself - unless you are an awfully good actor, you probably won't pull it off. Be honest, but tactful. In short, be a good, decent person. This isn't going to appeal to every woman you run into, but it will appeal to a large percentage.

You have probably already encountered women who like you. Generally they will not admit it openly because they want to hear that you like them a little too. If you get a bit of friendliness, give a little back and you may discover that something can grow out of that.

Good luck,

Lars


The bolded is probably the problem that most guys have, even those who don't have AS. I have always missed out because I didn't think girls liked me, when actually it was revealed that they did.



jimdotbeep
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19 Mar 2010, 7:30 pm

MichelleRM78 wrote:
jimdotbeep wrote:
I am also a male facing the same problem. I feel your pain. I personally feel that an autistic or asperger cannot have that kind of deep emotional with a neurotypical. Which put the odds heavily against me. Significantly less that 1% of the population is autistic, and of that small amount only a fourth of us are female. I've basically excepted I'll never find someone. :shrug:


Why can't a person with AS have an emotional connection with an NT? I have not understood this anytime it has been said.


I'm not really sure I can explain this to you since you don't have any form of autism. Essentially The thought process of an autistic person is completely different than any given person with a neurotypical brain. Not only but the way we feel emotions is phenomenally different. And if two people are on two completely different emotional wavelengths than I seriously doubt the can have a serious emotional connection.



Aspiewifey
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19 Mar 2010, 8:07 pm

jimdotbeep wrote:
I'm not really sure I can explain this to you since you don't have any form of autism. Essentially The thought process of an autistic person is completely different than any given person with a neurotypical brain. Not only but the way we feel emotions is phenomenally different. And if two people are on two completely different emotional wavelengths than I seriously doubt the can have a serious emotional connection.


Wrong. Together 5 years, married almost 2. I'm NT. He's AS. Neither one of us would be wasting our time if there were no serious emotional connection.



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19 Mar 2010, 8:51 pm

Furthermore, AS expresses itself in many different ways, and to different degrees with different symptoms. Some peoples thought processes may be very different - others might be only subtly different.