Bi-polar lover (Not what you think)

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I seem to have two sides to me. Well one voluntary side, and one involutary side.

Side 1.)I Want a nice girlfriend. Physical attraction is still very important, but it's more about how the woman makes me feel, not anything sexual. It's more of that childhood-crush attraction. Call it love, call it whatever you want.

Side 2.)I'm intensely curious about sex. I go on free dating sites and basically just ask women to have sex with me. Usually results in deleting my account and regretting it, but a few days later sign back on and do the same thing over and over again.

I know side 2 is a result of young male hormones, but the fact is, I like side 1, I don't like side 2. Would I turn down sex with a really hot girl? No, of course not. But it's not what keeps me running.

I'm starting to wonder if I should just lose the v-card to take away the curiousity and unknowns of sex. If I knew with 100 percent certainty that the asking-for-sex drama would end and I'd go back to just wanting a girlfriend and occasionally having to masturbate in the meantime, I would.

I'm wondering if this is normal.

This might be a new idea to you, but just because you have one or two sexual experiences does not mean you know all there is to know about sex.

It's like saying if you never rode a bicycle before, and you finally got the hang of it without training wheels is all there is to know about riding a bicycle.

So, think about it this way. Say you do have your ideal first sexual experience, your number 1 and number 2 both done with sensitivity and passion.

Now what? What is the next step? How do you keep it going?

I think you're misunderstanding me. If I had it my way, I'd never think about sex unless it was an expression of love with someone I was already in love with. This casual interest in having recreational sex, while I know it's a normal guy thing, I don't like it and it doesn't make me feel good. Even if I had the resources, I wouldn't want to live the Charlie Sheen in Two And A Half Men life.

Yet I can't seem to stop signing up on free dating sites and begging women for sex. Then I regret it, delete my account, a few days later end up doing the same thing again.

It seems my body desperately wants me to reproduce. And yes I masturbate. And yes I've tried masturbating more and have nothing in the tank so to speak.

I am sorry to misunderstand you therange. I will re read your post to see what I missed.

But I do know what you mean by

I see myself as continually babysitting my other side It is like I am lugging around this naive inner child all the time that voluntary me have to continually smack her involuntary wrists because she is so curious about the world around her and utterly clueless as to how to conduct herself..

It just doesn't make sense that while I have no interest in persuing recreational sex, that I think about it all the time and try to get it online. Then I come close to meeting one of the women and either screw it up on purpose or back out.

I guess I'm wondering out loud whether this is just a virgin's curiosity about sex, and once I'm not a virgin, sex will be demistified and won't be as big of a deal and I won't be on dating sites begging women for a one night stand anymore?

Last edited by therange on 09 Jan 2010, 11:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That doesn't sound what I'd describe as bi-polarity (and yes, I realize you aren't referencing manic-depression). It sounds like the splitting of sex from love, which most people tend to do, it seems.

What's worrisome is how you portray this as really compulsive behaviour, as if you don't have the discipline or self control to stop yourself from messaging women. That strikes me as concerning, and I'd strongly suggest getting a hold of that first rather than concentrating on the difference between your desires. Sex is a natural desire, but your compulsion seems to take it beyond a simple male search for reproduction, however naturally fueled by instinct the compulsiveness may be.

Well one thing that's obvious is when you aren't getting female attention, and are homebound, that's a bad combination. 1.)You're bored, 2.)It's easier to talk to females from different cities with no repercussions on a dating site where they don't even know your name or you're actual location (I just list the general city I live near.)

But why I keep doing it when I know I don't really want to? I really don't know, and I told my psychiatrist about it too. He said he wouldn't worry about it, that it's basically my substitute for porn. In other words, while other guys are watching videos of people having sex, I'm asking women on dating sites for sex.

I still think, while it isn't harmful, it's obviously causing me discomfort. Plenty of guys go on dating sites looking for sex, but the difference is, they follow up on it when given the opportunity. I've had a few women the past year who were willing to meet and take my virginity no strings attached and they weren't completely unattractive either, and everytime I told them "I'm waiting and want to meet a woman not a dating site." The problem is, when I'm person, I'm too nervous to make a move when I see a woman I'm attracted to, so I go home and go back on the dating sites, and the saga continues.

I hate to say it, but it's almost like I'm hoping to have sex and think "Well that was ok but I can live without it" and just go on living a regular life that doesn't involve "dating" or casual sex and that I only talk to women if I think there's long-term potential.

If you think that would help -- and it may, honestly -- I say you should give it a shot. Maybe approach honestly, realizing the woman you're talking to on the dating site is a real person, not an entity who is somehow lowered by posting on a dating site. The more you talk to honestly, the better your chances of making a friend with benefits -- someone who will be willing to play around casually with you and experiment.

I think for a lot of virgins on this site that's a viable option, but it takes being honest so that the woman realizes what they're going through and need. There are women out there who actually like the idea of lending a helping hand to virgin guys, believe me; I've met a few of them.

The thing is, on an average day, recreational sex doesn't interest me all that much. I think my body just wants to reproduce badly.

At heart, I'm a guy that wants a nice, cute girlfriend that he has strong feelings for first, then worry about a sex life with her later.

I'm actually quite proud of the fact that I've managed to hold out all these years, and even if sex is the best thing ever, I want a low number of partners. No desire to live the Warren Beatty life.

The problem is, though my mind is quite content with waiting for someone good to come along, my body won't wait. I can't say for sure, but I think the reason I go on dating sites and beg women that I'm not attracted to for sex is because porn absolutely does nothing for me so I have no other outlet. Other guys spend the time I'm on dating sites watching videos of people having sex. For me, I get no vicarious thrills from seeing other guys have their way with trashy looking women.

A month later, I have a change in perspective, though not a total change. Yes, I'd like a girlfriend to connect with, but now that I'm generally a happier person, minus a random bad mood, I don't NEED it. I get the impression that depression causes loneliness. The guys on here THINK they need a girlfriend, but really they just want someone who's a female to rescue them. That isn't love. That's co-dependency.

I don't NEED sex either. I've lived without it for 26 years.

My problem before, and probably why I was continuing to go on dating sites and ask for sex behind the scenes with women I didn't even want to have sex with, is that I was ashmaed of being a sexual guy. Sure, like I said, I'd prefer a cute girlfriend with a connection, but I'm not dependent on it. And it's not shameful to have a sexual side. It's just flawed when you think that's the only reason to talk to a woman.

Hypersexuality can be a sign of a manic or hypomanic episode, which can be part of bipolar disorder, but nothing else you describe sounds especially bipolar in the psychiatric sense. I'd suggest just trying to find a woman to have sex without worrying about it being perfect (just be safe), but that's just my personal opinion.

Well I have depression and the doctors have said that I have bi-polar symptoms without actually being bi-polar, because I don't have for example the delusions of grandeur or impulsivity (like many Aspies, I plan things and think before I do.)

As for having sex and it not being perfect, yes, but I can't have sex with someone I don't have a lot of physical attraction for. I've kissed women I wasn't that into (despite them not being ugly) and felt no need to go any further.

My requirement is just that she's an 8 on the 10 scale (my idea of an 8.) I'm decent looking, well-dressed, and affluent, so there's no reason I should have to settle. I just didn't have any social skills whatsoever until recently.

In bipolar disorder, episodes of mania or hypomania alternate with major depressive episodes or mixed episodes (mood episodes containing features of both depression and mania); in cyclothymic disorder, episodes of hypomania alternate with minor depressive episodes without full-scale major depressive episodes or mania (note that a full-scale bipolar disorder can be superimposed on top of what's called a cyclothymic temperament where the more major mood episodes occur after a pattern of less severe mood fluctuation is already established). Mania does not require the presence of delusions; psychotic features are a possibility, though, in both manic episodes and major depressive episodes. Neither is impulsivity or hyperactivity necessary for mania; in fact, impulsivity and hyperactivity can be present as part of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder.

The key thing about bipolar disorder is that discrete mood episodes occur, often separated by periods of relatively normal mood (i.e., euthymia). It is only during periods of mania or hypomania, for example, that a bipolar person would have exacerbated symptoms of impulsivity, hypersexuality, grandiosity, and euphoria. During periods of depression, they may be the opposite: sluggish, lethargic, anxious, despairing. If they have mixed episodes like a dysphoric mania or an agitated depression, the symptom profile could be complicated; nevertheless, the mood symptoms occur during mood episodes.

If your romantic/sexual dilemma is constant, it is probably not the hypersexuality that is a symptom of hypomanic or manic episodes, but then again I am not a psychiatrist.

Yeah, this has been a dilemma for years, only it's gotten better actually. A few years ago, I was like one of the guys on here, beyond desperation for a girlfriend or love or sex life or any kind of life involving a relationship with a woman. After a suicide attempt, it went down, and after dating a woman and seeing what it's all about, it went down even more. My interest in women now is just a healthy mid-20s straight guy's interest in women.