I'm done here.

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It bothers me that while I still have a long way to go and am a work in progress, that a lot of the guys on here fit into one or more of a few categories:

1.)Desperate for a girlfriend. Think it will turn them from mad-at-the-world sourpusses into happy, functioning human beings.

2.)Desperate for sex. Talk about the female anatomy like they're 14 year olds that just saw their first porn magazine.

3.)Incredibly shy and instead of taking small steps to improve, they're dwelling on their shyness like it's a curse.

This would sum up about 90% of the guys here.

I feel like I've wasted my time, other than with the exception of one male via aim who has at least taken the step of throwing his hands up in the air and saying "I need assistance" and seeking out therapy as well as being open, albeit relectuantly open, to new ideas and new ways of thinking.

Fair or unfair, women judge attitude the way we judge looks. The old me used to say "Well I have the attitude I have because women don't pay any attention to me. I'm mad for a reason." It's just that...you need to focus on yourself for the first time in your life, not women, and turn yourself into someone that you really like. Even if by some lucky chance, you met a woman in your current state, you'd probably turn her off on the first date.

So for the last time, I'm going to suggest just living a life that doesn't involve your heterosexuality....getting rid of the excess frustration via masturbation...and concentrating on becoming a better you.

The better you has to do with dating because women want a man with a plan. Sure, some women date drug dealers, but those women are severely f***ed up in the head. The quality women want a guy who loves life.

While I'm sorry for forcing my advice on people as far as the getting better fashion sense, it's kind of hypocritical to want a beautiful woman, but then be unwilling to lose weight or get a fashionable outfit, don't you think? People usually tend to date people similar in lifestyle and looks as themselves unless there's money or fame involved, and I'm sure none of you want a girl to date you just because you have money.

I've also noticed a lot of "us against them" mentality going on around here. Women aren't the enemy. You're your own enemy. You aren't a nice guy. If you were, you wouldn't complain as much or get mad at women. Not having a criminal record and being submissive doesn't make you nice.

Basically, if you WANT to change, and I get the impression a lot of guys on here don't want to, it will require a totally different outlook on life. It will take years, not months.

I realize, at the same time, this is a support forum, and guys have the right to whine about not having a girlfriend and how unfair the world is. But they're just wasting time. I did the same thing on other sites where people were too nice to give me the straight dope.

Basically, if you really want to change, you have to allow yourself to hit rock bottom (whatever rock bottom is for you)...being "conveniently sad" while it might feel comfortable and familiar, it's not going to get you a life or a girlfriend.

If anyone wants to keep in contact with me off this site and hear about my progress or just talk, feel free to send me a private message. But I've officially given up on the majority of Aspie and shy men.

If I sound like I'm being judgmental or unreasonable, let's just say 3 years ago I couldn't even look my attractive female cousin in the eye and would avoid family parties because I thought people would see that I found her attractive...now I just talk to her like she's anyone else.

I agree with everything you said. It ain't that hard guys but you do need to work on yourself.

Bravo to everything you said.

I'm disappointed you're leaving these forums because I've enjoyed your comments. But you can tell people what they need to hear till they're blue in the face, and they won't understand it till they've figured it out for themselves.

Fair or unfair, women judge attitude the way we judge looks.
This is COMPLETELY TRUE. For example, I know a guy (who may be aspie, actually), who is constantly depressed and complaining about life and how much he hates and is jealous of couples and sex. Now, he has lots of good reasons to feel the way he feels, but even though I would otherwise be attracted to him, it's a turnoff. It feels like it would be a huge energy drain rather than a satisfying relationship. Keep in mind that I like and am sometimes attracted to people with AS, and have been attracted to needy people who have a decent attitude. Imagine how strong the repulsion would be for the typical, non-AS-friendly NT.

byz

I also agree entirely with the OP. There's a lot of work that needs to be done, and during that time... er... getting into relationships, for many of the "I needz a girlfriendz" types here, no matter how handsome they may be physically, would end in disaster of Hiroshima proportions.

You need to be able to tell between "love" and "love need". Seeing the threads here made by those in "love need", does not generate much optimism toward their CURRENT prospects of being in a relationship.

The whole idea of seeing a girlfriend as some sort of PRIZE is flawed. Yes, being in a relationship may be a testament to your having achieved a certain equilibrium in your life, but relationships are of many different sorts. They require upkeep.

Once you're a singular unit, you have problems. Once you join with someone else, you become a joined unit, with joined problems. Your problems do not dissolve. You do not become a better man. Even if you mask them initially, your problems will be there like a terrorist group, waiting for a chance to rip at the weak links in your chain, and that's when events will fall like dominos, and the house of cards that is your relationship will crumble.

Checkmate.

(sorry, couldn't pass an opportunity for a Zach Brannigan reference)

A stable building needs to be built this way from the ground up. You can't make the first floor out of hay and the second floor out of brick. The first floor is you.

I think I'll be stealing the phrase "your problems will be there like a terrorist group waiting for a chance" to use in real life. Also, that was the most metaphors I've ever seen in one sentence. Which to me is a good thing. I never metaphor I didn't like.

That's quite sad, really.

I actually enjoyed your advice. It was pretty helpful, if you ask me.

I agree with very much of what you said.

As I women, I get very frustrated with these the types of men you are speaking ofbecause they always find a way to implicate me (by default, as I am a woman), as an enemy, when I've done nothing to them, and most of their assumptions about me, and other women, are completely untrue.

They have been hurt in the past, or have low self confidence because they are aware of their weaknesses or have an un-realistic idea of how all women are, and somehow, as a woman, it's all my fault.

I could have done a similar thing. I could have declared all men were shallow jerks because they only want thin, young, sexually provocative, NT women. I could have complained how they all say they want a nice girl with high moral standards who doesn't wear tons of makeup, yet it's always the slu*ty snobbish women who wear tons of makeup, and who sleep around with all of his friends who gets the guy.

But I didn't because I actually know a lot of men and I know there are a good chunk of men out there who actually really don't go for women like that.

Whether any of us like it or not, we ARE the odd ones out in life. That is the hand of cards we have been dealt. But we choose how to play that hand.

Looking in the mirror I realized, if I were a heterosexual man I probably wouldn't find that woman in the mirror all that attractive either, and that it wasn't fair of me to demand what I wanted in a partner, unless I made some effort to make myself a little more presentable.

So I worked on myself. I didn't change who I am but I did start dressing a little nicer. I did start styling my hair a little more. I did make sure I wasn't quite so sloppy, and I did try to smile and make eye contact a little more.

It was not right of me to think a man should fall in love with me just because I'm nice and I'm modest.
It's not right for a man to think a woman should fall in love with him just because he does "nice" things for her.

It's not right of me to think that just because a man works at a low paying job, that he is content with it and has no plans or ambitions in life.
It's not right of a man to think that just because I do the "hair flip" I am being sexually provocative towards him.

It's not right of me to think that all good looking or successful men only want sexy supermodels.
It's not right of men to think that all pretty women don't want want a man who is an average, nice person.

And it isn't right for any of is to think that just because we think we meet or don't meet someone elses standards, that we actually do or don't, without testing that theory first.



Whether it's on the subject of dating or making new friends, or getting along at work or school, WE need to make an effort by starting with asking how we can improve ourselves. We need to ask what is it that we are doing wrong. Not because it is always us who do something wrong, but because we really only have control over the domain of ourselves.

I agree with almost everything you wrote, especially the top 3 points.

Sounds like most everybody here needs to read the book "The Manipulated Man" by Esther Vilar.

I have not read it, but this topic is actually about how all of us should take a little more responsibility for ourselves and stop villanizing others.

Hi Chronos,

I take it you don't follow Greek Mythology very closely, and that you reject both nature and nuture theories. That leaves mainly the latest fad in pop-psych or snake-oil, with a few witty sayings masking the vacuity.

Tadzio

Why leave? Why not just avoid the dating and adult forums?

Please elaborate, as I am unclear on what you are trying to convey.

I don't know if you're leaving just this section or the entire forum, but I think you gave good advice...and I think you're right, especially about those top 3 things.

I understand why you would want to leave.

one or two posters I can think of off the top of my head (Not Tim Tex hes been a lot better lately) have been making this forum in particular less serious and provoking annoyance.

I think the whole "14 year old who looked at his first porn magazine" is a great anology, for one of these members in particular.

I stay away from the adult forum as people like him are in higher numbers.