Is it better to follow my heart or my head?

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Hey guys,

So last thursday me and my boyfriend broke up. it was a mutral break up and we decided that due to the problems we were haveing in our relashionship it was better to break up as we were just hurting each other and tearing each other apart. He would say i didnt put him first in the relashionship, or when i was stressed i would take it out on him. He would take some stuff the wrong way, leading him being horrible or rude to me, and not being mature.

However, since then i really miss him and keep thinking of all the goods times. He wants to meet up and he wants to get back togehter beleiving we can make it work this time. My Parents would be really against it if we did, and wouldnt even be keen on us meeting, to try and sort it out.

I still really love him and he loves me, and I want to be with him , but im scared we wil just hurt each other again, and it will end again, possibly worst than before, and il just end up more hurt. My heart tells me to give it another try and be with him , but my head says otherwise. i dont know what to listen to, my heart longs for him.

Please help

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, what you've described is a nightmarish kind of relationship that in the long run was beneficial for neither of you. Both you and your boyfriend did things to make each other unhappy, and it got so bad that you broke up because of it. Even your parents are against the idea of you two being a couple. Why on earth would you want to go back to that? Why court disaster, and the disapproval of your parents? Wouldn't it be better for you to pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't thrive on drama and turmoil? And perhaps be a person who doesn't thrive on drama and turmoil? Having a relationship is supposed to make you feel better, not worse.

i agree with everything you said, and yes it was that way but it wasnt all bad, they were some good aspects to our relashionship as well. I just feel that my life is not complete without him, but i dont know what to do. i just feel so torn.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You and your boyfriend could try going to Relate to try and work out how you're hurting each other and figure out how to communicate in a more positive way. If the relationship was previously good and you both still care about each other it could help you work out either how to fix things.

Follow your heart.

what is going to relate?
xxxx

Every relationship takes work, and both you and your boyfriend have made mistakes. But you are both human and perfection is impossible. Unless he has done something like physically abusing you or cheated on you, then would it really be so wrong to give it another try? As long as you are not getting back together just because you don't want to be alone, then I think you should give it another try. It's easy for some people that post on here to be cynical with their advice because of the problems that they have had in their own life with their own relationships, or lack thereof. But just because someone else has had a bad time, doesn't mean that you will. If you are absolutely sure that he's not the one and that there is more bad than good in your relationship, then I can understand not giving it another shot. But otherwise, what does it really hurt to try? Your parents may not approve, but they can't live your life for you, and they are going to have to learn to let you be your own person and a real adult at some point. I wish you luck with it, whatever you choose, and I hope that you will try to get as much enjoyment out of the outcome as you possibly can.

You would be best served to get the notion that you need somebody else to complete your life right out of your head, because it's utter nonsense. You were born a fully-formed person and you'll die one. A relationship with another person is meant to complement your life, make it more comfortable and enjoyable, make you feel safe and protected, and unafraid to face life together. At eighteen years of age, you should want to have all kinds of experiences with different people, and learn how different they can be from one another. Going back to a relationship with a person who caused you ten minutes of misery for every five minutes of happiness is just ludicrous! "But my life isn't complete without him!" Yes. It is. Honest. That is the kind of stuff they write in trashy novels and soap operas. Are you living one of those, or an actual life where your happiness is paramount?

No sane person wants a crappy relationship with someone who can't help but fight with them over the most trivial things. Considering what has already happened to you as a couple, can you imagine living for the next 60 years with this guy? Do you feel he is mature enough to provide the kind of life for you that you deserve? Can you see him in a job where he makes enough money to support you and any children you might have? Can you see him dropping the dramatic teenager act and being a real man? Or would you rather hold out and find someone who fits that description?

Eighteen is incredibly young to be deciding that your life is incomplete without some guy who doesn't have the ability to go without tearing you up so badly that you can't stay with him.

God, you have no idea how jealous I am...

You love each other? Than go for it!
Unless it's a matter where you can't count on him or something, what does dismissing the option have to do with "following your head"? You're following an emotion of fear. It's all emotions anyway. The emotions are in your head, and when you are afraid, it's "rationality". It's fear, as I understand it. Just another emotion...

Do you want to be in love sometime? You found someone who loves you and you love back, and even after you both break up, still both sides can't accept it? What can you ask for more than that???

Please, for all people out there who are dying to have this chance of pure romance, give it a try, or at least think very carefully about the chance you can lose here. Of course, you may end up hurt. But the same goes for every meaningful relationship that can break, doesn't it?

The way I read it, I just saw a relationship where both sides have problems with the other one, so they decide to peacefully end it mutually.
And then they both decide they love each other too much to let it go like this, and that they are prepared to learn from mistakes - because he found out that he can't just forget her, and he is willing to try and control his reactions, and understanding, and count on her.

Unless it already happened a few times with no success, why not give it a second chance?

I know the feeling; I've been through this before with my ex boyfriend and might have given in myself except that everone warned me against going back to him too and luckily I started seeing another person soon afterwards. A year on, it's one of the best decisions I ever made.

There were times when I wondered 'what if' and now I realise where we both went wrong, but you really do have to chalk it up to experience and move on or it will drive you crazy re-living the past. You can't change it and sometimes it's impossible to let old grievances die.

Honestly, if you did get back together, do you think anything will have changed? I'm guessing you talked about the problems whilst you were going out, so that didn't work, or at least not well enough. There's a good chance that if you get back with him, all you are doing is postponing the break-up and heartache until later and it will be a lot messier further down the line. You've probably seen couples like that' one week they're going ou, next they're not, next it's back on... and eventually they hate eachother. Better to make a clean break, avoid eachother for a bit and then see if you can salvage a friendship (if you want one)

I know you have some great memories of your ex; I have some good ones fo mine too, and for a while after we broke up, I would be in tears thinking of those moments...

But then you kind of realise, how come it's only those same few memories over and over again? It's because the rest of the time was so s**t! Your memories will always be there, but if you move on, you get the chance to make new ones and be happy as opposed to struggling to hold together a miserrable relationship for the sake of nostalgia and preventing a bit of pain.

My two cents anyway- I apologise if it's a bit biased.

Lene - I have to say, as much as I do understand your feeling, and trying to think about dating again someone I didn't like dating in the first place - don't forget there are also cases of people who split up, than got back together, and lived a loving life peacefully.

I have no idea about their exact relationship, but she knows him better than we do. Perhaps he is not like your old boyfriend. Perhaps he hates his attitude and wants to work it out. Don't forget it's only been less than a week, it's not like they forgot the bad times - I think

It's also a question of why people don't want them together. Sometimes people are right, but sometimes they aren't. Of course I'm not expecting her to tell the full story, it's probably a private issue for her - but I just think that your story and hers aren't necessarily the same. Perhaps they are - I don't know. But I don't read it as a total nightmare from what she wrote...

If I were her, I would just take in account everything said, together. Listen to others, but also see how similar are their stories, plus trying to understand the fear. That said - anglegirl1224 - I can't advice you what's right ot wrong, just provide my optimistic view, which may be wrong. You're the one to decide.

Thanks guyss...
no he never physically abused me or cheated on me..
We've never split up before,. but he has nearly left me twice due to problems... :/ however after begging him not to and a lot of tears he didnt.. :/

i understand where all you guys are coming from that what makes it so hard.
he wants to meet up , and i know theres quite a big possibility if we do that we would get back togetehr, especially since he wants to meet in the place where he asked me out..where it all started...
xxxxxxx

How about giving it a chance? Unless you're afraid there's no way back after that...

I did have very strong feelings for him though, that's my point. But sometimes for things to be better long-term, you have to suffer the heartbreak, get it out of your system and move on. .

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That's fair enough. I did admit that my post might be a bit biased towards my own experience, but I have seen enough couples to know that the ones who get back together, only to split up again, far out-number the ones who stay together second time round. But yes, that could happen and I do not pretend to know her boyfriend's mindset.



Maybe it's just me then, but when I broke up with my ex, I started seeing the past through rose-tinted lenses and the good times took on a far greater significance than they were worth. I found that deliberat;ely reminding myself of the not-so-good times helped to keep things realistic



I am aware that our stories are not the same, but I felt that sharing mine might give her some insight into how I came across my own views and the advice that I am giving to her. My opinion that she should moved on is based on her following quote;

"we were just hurting each other and tearing each other apart. He would say i didnt put him first in the relashionship, or when i was stressed i would take it out on him. He would take some stuff the wrong way, leading him being horrible or rude to me, and not being mature. "

To me, this does not sound like a healthy relationship.



I agree, it is up to angelgirl1224 to decide what she wants to do. But just as I cannot say you are wrong for having an 'optimistic' view of things and giving your own advice, please do not presume that those who have different advice to your own are in the wrong and being overly 'pessimistic' when they voice their own views based on experience.

If you're not sure what you want to do, why not ask him to meet you at more neutral place?