Is it possible to be partly asexual?

Post Reply New Topic

...because to me, that's the only way I can explain what I feel. I have the same (if slightly diminished) sexual urges as any other guy, but I don't feel the need to act on them or be controlled by them. Yeah, I'm a virgin, but to be completely honest I could die one and not care less (it's dying alone that I'm afraid of). Sure, if a woman really wants to have sex with me, I guess i'd be wiling to oblige, but I'm not losing sleep over the lack of sex either (just lack of companionship).

What I want to know is, is there some kind of continuum of sexual need (with asexuals on one end and nymphomaniacs on the other), or just a boolean sexual/aseuxal value? I'm guessing the former, as just about any human psychological condition occurs in varying degrees. Anyway, where would you fall on such a sexuality spectrum?

Toad, this is why I recommended EHarmony. You have to find a partner who doesn't care about sex. It's possible you'll have sex and either one of two things will happen 1.)You won't like it or care about it (Contrary to what the media says, women care about sex in a deeply involved relationship and they want the guy to know what he's doing) or 2.)You'll attach meaning to it, and if the woman is just "having fun" you'll feel used, almost like some women do.

EHarmony is the answer to your problems. I took the test on there, and I didn't have any matches based on the fact that I care about physical attraction and don't like political or religious women. You aren't as picky, and might just find your quiet church touchy feely girl there.

Typical heterosexual, depression affecting sex drive.

It could be depression dampening your sex drive, but it could also be that you do not have a very high sex drive. There is a myth that all guys have a huge one and that is just not the case. Just like it is not true that all women could not care less.

I'd fall on the side closer to nymphomaniac, It's really bothersome cause I have high standards and the amount of physical touch I have with someone is directly related to how much I love/trust them. With the personality I have I'd rather be in your situation.

It's worth considering that generally one's outlook on sex tends to shift after they are no longer a virgin, and have a period of time where sex is regularly available. It's a subconscious thing, as a certain 'pressure' is lifts away from you, and stuff changes.
From what, to what, I can't quite say.

For myself, the romanticism and status of the act itself began to greatly reduce, over a stretch of time. Once I could more directly associate both the emotional and physical feeling before, and after sex, it became somewhat more of a concrete physical impulse. Meanwhile the subtle emotional aspects of it eventually came unbound, and began to separate from the physical impulse, and my association with the act itself.
Thus, love and sex became different things, even though I didn't realize that I associated them together at first. But that's just me.

You keep yelling at me to stop complaining and start doing actual discussions. I'm actually trying to do that here...

I think if sexuality with another person is abstract to you, it is very difficult to gauge your sex drive. I would say if you consistently feel sexual with yourself, you might find you are very sexual with another person. Sexual intimacy with another person is a whole different experience than masturbation, even chemically.

Sex drive comes at all levels, and it's not true that men "always want it". Men get tired, they are pressured by society, they have different sexual drives at different ages and times in their lives.

You'll find your own way. But it is very difficult to determine if sexual drive is within a 'normal' range in the absence of any type of partner experience. Hang in there and just keep making progress on your own self.

I don't agree with your views on psychology or think there is such a thing as being partly asexual, nor do I feel like I have less of a sex drive than most other men. However, like you I feel as if I don't have a longing for sex as an end in itself, I'd rather just not die alone. So I don't really understand when people tell me that they just want to get laid because they haven't done so in a few months (or sometimes just a few weeks).

There's a simple explanation for this, as far as I can speculate: we're both virgins, and so we can satisfy ourselves with masturbation without having experienced anything better. Though I made a thread in the adult issues forum asking if people who enjoy sex felt more of a desire for sex after they lost their virginity, and the overall response was inconclusive.

I think some people get addicted to their sexual response just like drugs or alcohol.

I really don't have much attraction that I want to act on unless I am in love with someone. The times that I have acted on it it hasn't been worth the effort, it just felt unfulfilling.

I'm not sure there is a spectrum...it might be one of sensitivity, where the more sensitive people are less addictive and the less sensitive you are the more you want it. I only say that because it seems like such an amount of stimulus to process I don't know how a sensitive person could stand it.

Well, according to medterms.com (via Webmd):

"Asexual: 1. Without sexual desire or interest. Someone with seemingly no sexual drive."

So, I'm going to go with no, it's not possible to be "partly" asexual. I agree with Sound and MorbidMiss - a much more logical explanation is that your untreated depression is affecting your libido. Once again, I urge you to get your depression treated - before you embark on an online dating pursuit of an asexual woman. You don't want to fall in love with someone who is asexual, only to discover that you aren't.


http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art ... ekey=25993

And what would happen if I did that? I don't want to become the megalomaniac i was as a kid... I'd almost rather die alone than inflict that kind of jerkitude on the world again...

If anti-depressants did not work on you, there could be something else at play there. Is it possible that you could be Bi-Polar instead? Or possibly you just have an opposite reaction to medications?

At any rate, meds are not always the answer anyway. I have found that having a good therapist and actually trying to work on issues has done more for me than any meds a psychiatrist had me try.

I think it is entirely possible to become slightly asexual. I know that I'm heterosexual, when I look at an attractive woman, I am attracted to her physically and want to know more about her. It isn't lust, it isn't me thinking "hey, you're a sexy ass gal and I wouldn't mind hitting you up." It is more just like physical attraction and interest.

However, I don't feel that lustful desire towards women, I may flirt around, but I have no intention to try and seduce a girl. In fact, I view women very much the same way I do guys, just people.

Now I know what I'm about to say probably should be put in the "Adult" section of this forum, but I'll say it anyways. Over the years, I dealt with physical loneliness by looking at porn a lot, and it isn't something I'm proud of it. In fact, I wish I never had to resort to that to negate the feelings of my loneliness, but I did. And the thing that is bizzare is that when I spent time looking at porn, it satisfied my urges to the point where I didn't look at women around me lustfully anymore.

Now, I'm suggesting that anyone should do this, I'm just talking about my experience. If I had to do it all over again, I would have chosen to take my desires out in a less morally deficient way. But once I got all those lustful desires and feelings out of my system, I saw porn as unesscary and stopped using it as a crutch. That's my two cents.

I'm going to assume you were responding to my post, Toad. My response to you is never, ever going to change. Get yourself thoroughly evaluated by experts at the nearest teaching hospital, and get a proper diagnosis. In the not-too-distant past, you posted about meeting many of the criteria for BPD. Well, BPD is very treatable with therapy, and perhaps some medication. And if it's not BPD, it is quite possible that it's something else that can be treated. Of course, if you never get properly diagnosed, you never have to get treated, and you never have to get better. You can remain stubbornly stuck in this cycle of being desperately unhappy, and inexplicably just as desperate to stay that way.

You've said many, many times how you're not "controlled" by a desire for sex. It's like you have nothing but contempt and derision for a natural, healthy, pleasurable, and fulfilling part of life. If you want female companionship without the physical intimacy, you have that right now - you've mentioned many of your friends are girls. There you are: female companionship without physical intimacy. But judging by the common theme that runs through your posts, I don't believe that's what you really want. I think you want what the rest of us do - a partner - in every sense of the word. So I'm left wondering why you are so afraid to admit you need something that the overwhelming majority of the human race needs? You might as well get down here in the muck with the rest of us, Toad - it's where most of the living and dying gets done, anyway.

i can't think of much about humans that doesn't run along a scale from "none" to "a whole bunch." for sexuality, this applies not only to frequency/intensity of desire but to sexual orientation as well. this was established a long while back by masters and johnson's sexual research.

i was tempted to be sarcastic and say: no, it's either or, so obviously you're hallucinating or you're the only human to ever have had this experience. all the rest of us want exactly the same amount of sex, on the same days, with the same kind of people. no exceptions. if not, then we want nothing, ever, with anyone....

i like using exaggeration sometimes to show the unlikelihood of something. but i decided to start w/o it.

about depression and all that: if you used to be different than what you describe, then sure, maybe there's an issue to fix. if not, it's how you are. why do people think sex is something so different from food, or exercise, or any other thing? some people are extremely active in sports, some moderately, some not at all. some have big appetites, some moderate, some eat sparingly. i once lived with a guy who only needed 3 hrs of sleep a nite. i needed 9. sex is no different. and not only that, this naturally varies somewhat over the course of a lifetime, influenced by environment, age, and so on.

my basic rule of thumb is this: if it's not causing you major trouble (or causing a bunch of others, or a very important other) same, why worry? there's no "right" amount of sexual desire, just as there's no "right" amount of imagination or "right" amount of liking pizza or "right" amount of music one should hear every month.

and i promise, there are people who's levels of pretty much any drive match one's own. and putting yours out there in the right place (like dating sites) increases your chance of finding them.