Help me - I'm in love!

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I may be out of place here, and if I am, I am sorry...but I am desperate to find some help.
I also apologize in advance if this tends to ramble a bit randomly. I am extremely emotional right now and desperate to find help.

I first learned about AS during a conversation with my boss about the issues I have been having with depression treatments. My boss was sympathetic and told me about AS and the challenges he has gone through with his daughter that had been diagnosed.

I have not found a successful treatment for my depression, but I have been dealing with it all my life, and have been able to cope. I have been able to develop a successful career and am functional in all ways but social interaction.

I am a very physically affectionate and emotional person. In my relationships, I enjoy holding hands, petting and touching, and being touched, constantly. I know this can be a problem even in perfectly “healthy” relationships, and so I have to consciously control those instincts in me. I am not always successful.

I cry easily, but am also easily pleased.


I am hopelessly in love with a girl that is undiagnosed, but seems to have many AS characteristics. I fell in love with her years ago, but she had been suddenly taken out of my life due to circumstances beyond our control.

I have dated other people since losing her, but never had love for anyone I was with, like I had with her. I truly believe that she is the only one that could ever make me happy…and she does, when she is with me.

After 10 years of being without her, and out of communication, we have found each other again, and I feel that I am more in love with her today than I ever have been.

She loves being around and with me as long as I do not touch her in public, or try to engage her emotionally.

She does not seem able to express her emotions in any way other than physical acts of kindness, like cleaning or baking. She is a very creative talented artist, and musician, but if you ask her if any of her work has any special meaning, she says “no…I just sat down and did it” (painted, sculpted, etc)

When asked to talk about how she feels, she will say nothing, and if pressed, she becomes frustrated and angry. I can sometimes get her to express herself in writing through emails, but she is usually pretty angry about having to talk about her feelings, and the message comes out extreme and doomy.

She is extremely uncomfortable when confronted with displays of emotions from me, good or bad. She hates that I have expressed freely my feelings for her and talk of my desires to have her in my life again. She does not accept compliments well about herself or her work and has an extremely low opinion of herself, and she is extremely stubborn. She doesn’t ever “seem” to do anything that she does not want to do.

She can be physically affectionate, but can lose the mood in an instant without warning.

She seems to enjoy the attention I give her in private, both physical, and otherwise for a short time, but at some point it begins to bother her. There are no signs of her discomfort. She will allow the affection to continue, and continue to return it while the discomfort inside her turns into something else I can not claim to understand.

When this feeling develops in her, she will end up disappearing the next day, and be gone from my life for many days at a time. I of course, am miserable without her and become even more emotional, which makes her even more uncomfortable, and the cycle continues.

I also know that she resorts to drinking excessively (in my opinion) when she is gone, which adds to my concern for her well being, and my guilt for having chased her away.

I love her more than anything else in the world. I try to give her as much control in the relationship as I possibly can, so she does not feel pressured or forced in any way. I allow her to initiate any physical intimacy we have, but fail to recognize any signs of when it she needs it to stop until she reaches the point of needing to run away. I feel so bad when I chase her away with the attention I give her. All I want to do is to please her and make her happy, but without any clear indicators, I don’t have any way of knowing when my attention to her changes from enjoyment to displeasure for her.

When she reaches her limit, she suddenly becomes cold and completely withdrawn from me. She will sometimes suddenly stop what she is doing with me, and find something mindless to do on the computer until it is time to go to bed then in the morning, she quietly leaves and disappears without a word.

I simply do not understand what I am doing to cause this. The last thing I want to do is to make her uncomfortable with me and chase her away. We have talked about this to the level she is able to express herself, and she says the best way to love her is simply to leave her alone.

I simply do not understand how to do this. I don’t ever want her to forget how much she is loved, and how very important and special she is to me. The more I express this, the mor euncomfortbable she gets. How can I just leave her alone? I don’t ever want her to think I may have lost interest in her.

So far, she always seems to come back after disappearing for a while, but I feel so terrible that I pushed her so far over her limits that she feels she has to leave for so long, and I beat myself up the whole time she is gone for having hurt her in some way I simply do not understand, and never really knowing for sure if I will ever see her again.

I am very confused and am desperately looking for help. Again, all I want to do is be a better person for her and make her happy, by whatever means possible. My own personal needs beyond wanting to stop hurting her and keeping her in my life are completely irrelevant. Sometimes someone really is so important to you that any relationship at all IS better than none. That is the way I feel about her.

I don’t want to offend anyone so please forgive me if in my ignorance I say or have said anything that anyone finds disagreeable. I have read many posts and understand that there is really no such thing as “normal” behaviors for anyone, but her behaviors seem to fit the AS profile. I am struggling to understand how she might really be feeling and what I can do so I can stop hurting her and keep her in my life. I am hoping that the experts here can help.

I will do absolutely anything for her. Can anyone please help?

You don't sound in love, you sound obsessed. Big difference.

Actually, your own personal needs are not irrelevant - they are just as important as her personal needs. It seems like you've idealized this girl because of the experience you had with her when you were younger, and you're not allowing her current behavior to impact the impression of her you have in your head.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You're clearly not compatible with a woman who says the best way to love her is to leave her alone - you want to feel connected to your partner, both emotionally and physically (she doesn't). You're verbally expressive - she isn't. You want to be with her all the time, she needs frequent breaks for solitude. You think she's deep because she creates beautiful art, but she doesn't seem to agree.

Sometimes we can choose someone as the object of our affection because they reinforce certain ingrained feelings about ourselves, or certain relationship dynamics from childhood. Was there a significant person in your childhood who kept you at arm's length? Someone who made you believe you were needy or too emotional, too affectionate? Or is it possible that you don't feel like you deserve to be loved? Or you don't deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship? Cause I've got to say, you've chosen a woman who is constitutionally incapable of meeting your needs, and you've convinced yourself that she's the only woman on the planet who can meet your needs. What's wrong with this picture?

I see that she draws you in, then pushes you away, and disappears for days on end drinking and doing God knows what else. That's manipulative behavior. You are very sensitive, and put this girl on a pedestal, giving her enormous power over you. This sounds like a dangerous situation for you.

There is some fundamental trouble ahead, I'm afraid. If I may distill this down:

Removing all the parts about you (not that I don't like you or something, but they are not relevant) we have:

You cannot easily change a person in general. It's almost impossible to change these behaviors in someone with AS. When the "socialization cup" is full, it's full. You can't give her a bigger cup. She needs to go "bleed it off". The best you can do is try to stem something like alcohol drinking behavior into a different behavior that fulfills the same need. Encourage her to do something creative instead. Don't try to "stop". Redirect!

So if you can't stop the behavior, you truly want to find happiness AND you're truly willing to do anything for her:

YOU MUST CHANGE YOURSELF. There it is. The sad truth that you're trying not to see. Yes, it sucks. No, there isn't another answer. For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

<<I just noticed that I unintentionally rhymed the first two lines in my stanza above. Maybe I should have ran with a limerick? No, not appropriate. Subject matter serious. Still...>>

Gosh, she sounds like me. I have a relationship vaguely like this with someone. I wouldn't allow myself to get close to him. There were a number of reasons and I know that I hurt him. I didn't mean to.

He moved on and found someone else. They seem very happy now. I think it was for the best in the long run. I wasn't emotionally mature enough at the time when he was single and he is also 20 years older than me. He says that he is happier now than he has been in years.

I still write him rather doom filled emails though. I don't know how he copes with it. I'm glad that he's happy now. I wish that I could have made him happy, but I just wasn't capable of it. He used to tell me that I was the only person that understood him, but I think that he needed more than that really.

I imagine she feels very smothered by you. In her shoes, I think I would feel very confined and self-conscious because everything she does can cause dramatic reactions in you. You demand things from her, forms of emotional expression, that do not come easily to her. She can't say or do anything without you reacting to it, picking it apart and trying to analyze it and scrutinize it. Of course she wants to get away sometimes.

You need to chill out. For example, if she is anxious about something, don't respond to that by getting all anxious too, that's the part where you are supposed to be her rock, you have to project confidence and stability. It's good to try to help her be happy, but you have to let her be unhappy too, without accidently blackmailing her. It's not on purpose, but you put her in a situation where its "act happy, or else!"

You take her emotional state, and you multiply it by reflecting it back to her over and over again. You have to throw a negative sign and some fractions into the equation instead when these emotions are negative. You need to not spend so much time together, because you are just way too intense about things. You have to realize that you are impinging on her freedom when you act so hypersensitive, realize that your emotions and expressing them has a big effect on her, and everyone around you for that matter, you are making yourself a burden. You speak as if you are all about fullfilling her needs, but if you think about it, actually you are just all about fulfilling your own needs, very evident in the fact that she pushes you away. You need to accept her the way she is, even if she's unhappy, and just let her be. Her personal inner issues, she'll solve them at her own pace, and you are obviously not helping by pushing her all the time.

She's either very confused by her own emotions, or she's playing mind games. In either case, she's unsuitable unless she gets some form of help.

Sorry for not responding until now...I have been reading all of your posts, and I must say that your insight has been amazing, especially being based on the sparse random information I have been able to give you.

My female friend has returned to me again, and required my attention

I have taken much of your comments to heart, and am trying to be mindful of them as I spend time with her. Thank you.

Where to begin....

therange: You may be correct...I may be obsessive about this relationship It means a lot to me. More than any other I have ever had. I do have obsessive tendencies in my personality, and I know I must be careful of them. To me, it seems as it has always been a fine line between true love, and obsession. With love, one is willing to sacrifice everything they have and everything they are for the happiness and well being of the other. With obsession, one is willing to sacrifice everything to achieve there own happiness. It is definitely love I have for this girl.

This is not a one sided obsessive stalking type relationship. Yes, I have held a place in my heart for her all this time, but when we were reunited, it was she that found and approached me. And she always seems to come back to me after she decompresses.

I am not chasing her, but I do want to be the best I can be for her so she does not feel the need to run away.

Bluemage: As I have stated, I do have obsessive tendencies which can make me “smother” someone with unwelcome amounts of attention. I am very aware of this about me and I work hard to control it. Sometimes, it really is hard work

In our relationship, I have learned that if we share any physical affection, I must allow her to take any initiative. This way hopefully she will not feel overwhelmed or forced in any way. The problem I am having is that even when she initiates, she will sometimes change mid stream and quickly withdraw. It is this behavior I am trying to understand.

Maybe it is as ViperaAspis says, her social cup is just full. Usually when this happens she is able to verbalize it and actually ask for the space she needs. When she asks, I give it to her. The situation I am struggling with is when she initiates activity and suddenly changes, and changes to the extreme. If her cup is full, why would she initiate more attention? Is it just that hard for her to predict when enough is enough for her? This is not rhetorical, I really don't know. When someone meets their social limit...is it hard and sudden, or is it something that can be elt and realized before it peaks?

My motives may be a bit selfish. I want to be with her. I want to make myself good for her, so that she 1) will be more comfortable in general, but 2) feel comfortable with me. I am not intentionally trying to manipulate or change her…I want to make an environment where she can feel safe and happy, so she stays…maybe that is manipulative but what would be the alternative?

ViperaAspi: I realize I need to change myself…that is exactly what I am asking advice for. I want to understand her needs better so I can be better for her. I try to ask her about her needs, but she can not express them. I give her space when she needs to decompress, but I guess I am failing to recognize another aspect that builds up in her without any signs I am aware of.

I sometimes wonder if the sudden change is not at all related to her “social cup” being full, but maybe I am triggering some memory of something traumatic in her past. She has been through a lot in the years we were apart, and I do not know many of the details. We are still re-learning about each other.

I know I can not get her to stop drinking. She is very stubborn, and to ask her to not do something only pushes her further into it. She drinks very seldom when she is with me, and only goes off the deep end when she is away. I don’t drink myself, but I am not against it, its just that when she is away, she binges. I worry about her health and well being when she is out of control.

Again, what I am trying to do is understand what button I am pushing to drive her away, and learn to stop pressing it. If I can do this, then maybe the drinking will not be an issue.

I guess this is kind of a re-direct action. I want to keep her safe, and try to encourage her to use her artistic talents to create…but when she changes, there is seemingly nothing anyone can do. You can’t talk to her at all, let alone convince her that something else might be a better choice for her.

HopeGrows: When we are together, and she is well, I am very satisfied in our relationship. She is capable of giving me everything I need.

She can be very affectionate at times, she is fun to be around. She is creative and talented and fun to work with. She has kind of a negative impression of the most of what the rest of the world thinks is important, which is an attitude we share.

Again, knowing that I can be overwhelming for anyone, I have to be careful. I have to be especialy creful when I am with her…but it is not so bad that I would ever want to give her up.

When she returned to me, I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her all night long until we fall asleep in each other arms. Sometime she would let me do that, and it would be wonderful. Sometimes, she would let me do that, and disappear without a word. I want to learn how to anticipate the later condition and do what is needed to prevent it.

This time, she let me hold her hand for a while, and we talked for hours, until we fell asleep. It was wonderful and very satisfying. She has a way of putting me at ease about anything and everything wrong in my life without ever trying. She brings me an inner peace that I have never felt with anyone else in my life.

She gives me what I need and makes me VERY happy. I want to be able to do the same for her, and it seems that sometimes I fail her. That makes me miserable, and I want desperately to fix it.


Nostromos: I know this is a dangerous situation for me. I am probably not the most emotionally stable person in the world, and being with her is an emotional rollercoaster that is sometimes hard to take.

When things are good, I am on top of the world, and when she is gone, I am devastated. Being wired for high emotions, and generally depression, the bad times are really bad…but when she returns, in no time at all all the bad fades away to nothing.

Right now, I still feel the downs are worth the ups. If I can come to understand this issue, then the downs will be minimal, and the relationship will be great! If I can not come to understand this issue, then I will likely keep trying until I can’t stand it any longer, and I realise that there is a real risk of destroying my own sanity in the process. At the moment, I feel that she is worth the risk.

Maybe this is also part of my obsessive tendencies, but I can not give up on her unless all hope is gone. As long as she is interested enough to come back to me, I will keep trying.

MusicBoxForever: When I read your post, I almost thought you were her. We have had the conversation about her pushing me away whenever we would get too close. It was a short conversation.

When she returns, she would always tell me that she was sorry. She would tell me that she knew she hurt me, but she didn’t mean to, and propose that I would be better off without her.

I have to disagree with her however. Anything worth having is worth working for. When things are good, they are very good. I am willing and wanting to understand and work thru the bad times to keep her.

I have dated others, but she is the only one that has made me feel the way she does. I can’t claim that she understands me…I’m not sure anyone really could…but she brilliant, and I think she comes the closest anyone ever could.

There is always a chance that I could be happy with someone else, but in the 10 years we were apart, I haven’t found anyone that could even come close.

Shebakoby: Oh she loves to play mind games and she keeps me on my toes. She never lets me suffeer however. Shw will always clue me in if I get on over my head, but I know this is not part of any game she is playing. She is genuinely overwhelmed by something, and genuinely apologetic when she recovers. She doesn't talk about it, but I feel that she is genuinely suffering when the change happens, and it drives her to drink. If its something that I am doing, then I desperately want to save her from this.

She could benefit from professional help…I think nearly everyone can…but there is no way I would ever be able to get her to see someone. She has no faith in any medical professionals, internal or psychological.

I worry about this a bit because there have been times when she really needed medical help, and it was extremely difficult to get her to treatment. She had to be close to death before she would give in. Fortunately, she is very strong, and has been able to recover from nearly everything on her own, but there have been some very close calls.

Getting her to seek psychological help would be nearly impossible. I am trying to help her myself by simply trying oto provide a comfortable environment for her, being supportive and giving her what she needs when I can identify it. But to provide anything more, I am afraid I am mostly ill-equipped.

- - -
Thank you all so much!
So your insights about me have been pretty darn good. I am amazed!
I know that I must
Give her space when she needs it.
Tone down my displays of emotion and affection. Do not smoother her.
Be patient and allow her to do what she needs to do
Never try to manipulate or change her
Be careful not lose myself in this pursuit. Be ready for the fall if she doesn’t come back.

Thank you for your input, but I am still no closer to understanding what can cause her to go from a self initiated affection giving, caring wonderful person, to a cold distant person that can’t stand to be near me in just an instant.

I am no closer to understanding what I do, or even if it is something I do, that triggers the change in her, nor how to stop it.

I was hoping to learn that there might be a “typical” trigger event, or maybe a sign that I have not yet seen that can help me make the correction that is needed. Maybe this is something that only detailed analysis of a professional can help with. I will have to keep working on this.

Thank you again all for your offerings. It is all very much appreciated.

Ummm, no OP, that is not a definition of love. Codependence, yes. Codependent Love Addict, yes. Your description of your relationship also fits an Obsessed Love Addict. Look, I don't expect you to accept what I'm saying at all. I believe you're all in with this girl. But when you're ready to consider another explanation (rather than true love), give the information below a read. (I strongly suggest you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie - it will give you some insight into why you're so hooked in to the girl.) Good luck.

"Obsessed Love Addicts (OLAs) cannot let go, even if their partners are:

Unavailable emotionally or sexually; afraid to commit; cannot communicate;unloving;distant; abusive; controlling and dictatorial; ego-centric; selfish; or addicted to something outside the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc.)

Codependent Love Addicts (CLAs) are the most widely recognized. They fit a pretty standard profile. Most of them suffer from low self-esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. This includes enabling, rescuing, caretaking, passive-aggressive controlling, and accepting neglect or abuse. In general, CLAs will do anything to “take care” of their partners in the hope that they will not leave—or that someday they will reciprocate."

I think that hopegrows makes some good points there. I have no idea how to distinguish between love and obsession. I've never had a healthy romantic relationship with anyone. I am drawn to men that are quite broken and I want to help them heal.

I actually did have a heart stopping moment when I began reading your post that you might be him. But then I realised, you couldn't be, I have never let him get physically close to me in anyway at all. You are lucky that she allows you to do that.

He is also a very emotional person. He tired me out so much. He used to stress about everything and I seemed to be the only person that could calm him down. That was alot of pressure for me. If he would bound up to me and say excitedly, "only you will understand this," that really tensed me up because I felt alot of pressure to actually understand what he was on about. I felt as though I would be letting him down if I didn't. I have never told him this and he doesn't really understand why I left. We used to work together and I moved on to anther job and moved out of the town we were living in. I contacted him a month later because I just couldn't stand not being in contact with him anymore. I phoned him and he said, "what happened, you just disappeared." I didn't mean to hurt him, I just got to the point where I couldn't cope anymore. I really thought that I loved him and I didn't know what to do. Working with him was driving me mad. I just snapped and decided that I had to leave. He bought me the biggest bunch of flowers I've ever seen the day I left. He is very good at being over-the-top.

This was about 5 years ago. It's actually quite painful to look back on it now. I can't justify the way that I treated him. I was just scared. He wrote the most beautiful songs about his ex-girlfriend. They were sort of obsessive. I felt like I could never live up to the memory of her. I never told him that. I've never really explained why I left. I was overwhelmed. I told him that I didn't want to get involved with someone who didn't share my religion when I finally did tell him how I felt, but that was just something of an excuse that I could fall back on if he didn't want me. I think that in the long run, I shouldn't have said that to him. I think it hurt him more than just telling him the truth. I was trying to save face. He had found someone else by that point.

We have kept in touch over the years. Mostly by email. We rarely meet up. We met up for a coffee a few weeks ago. I hadn't seen him for over a year. It was great. We have different lives now and that distance has taken away that pain and confusion that used to linger in the air between us. I had a pain in my back, a knot about the size of a thumbnail under my left shoulder blade, that used to hurt like crazy, worse than tooth ache. The knot is still there, but since that last time I saw him, the pain hasn't been so bad.

I don't know if any of that helps. I don't know why the woman you love gets scared. I am uncomfortable being close to anyone. I even hate going into a shop regularly because the shopkeeper will get to know me. I was bullied as a child and I don't like anyone in my space and I don't like to be touched because I think there is a deep lingering memory of helplessness and I don't want to get hurt. I think I am just trying to protect myself. I need to be in control, otherwise I am scared that I will be harmed somehow. i think it has alot to do with my upbringing. My mother was very moody and would shout at me for no reason, so I have learned that it is safest to keep out of the way and keep my head down. I have quite low self esteem as well. I won't allow anyone to get close to me and I don't really know why. Sorry.

I am interested in this thread. I feel like I have grown in my understanding of myself through reading other people's posts on WP. But there is still alot for me to learn.

Last edited by musicboxforever on 15 Feb 2010, 6:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

I found this thread frankly frightening. 'hopeless,' I'm concerned for your future happiness. I dearly hope that you consider HopeGrows' advice, as your current behavior is going to lead to bad places down the road.

It is really weird for me to have to go to strangers to try to understand more about my relationship with someone else, but believe me when I say that I take all the postings very seriously, and consider them all carefully. Even the ones that tell me to abandon hope.

I painted an intense picture listing the most significant details of my relationship in a landslide of information to help people get a fast understanding of why I am asking these questions, but my relationship is not as extreme as all that.

It seems that so many would have me just give up, either because of my own expectations and apparent flaws, or because they think that my girl just can't be loved.

Although Hopegrows’ description of codependent love addicts kind of fits me in that I am not willing to give up so easily and am hoping or a better future, I don’t see that as a bad thing… I do not see my girl as “emotionally unavailable”, nor do I feel that I am being abused, neglected, or whatever. In the old days, I would simply be referred to as a romantic.

I am not rescuing her…she does very well without me I am simply trying to be a better person for her, and to understand that if I am the cause of her stress, I want to change that for the betterment of her quality of life, and our relationship.

I could make the change by forcing her out of my life, but because she sought me out, I have a hard time believing that that would be an improvement for her, and it definitely would do nothing to improve our relationship.

Perhaps in my description I should not have said “my needs are not important”, and maybe that statement has mislead some of you. For that I am sorry. As I have posted in my previous message, I feel that our relationship is very rewarding most of the time. We had just spent a wonderful long weekend together. I could not be happier about the time we have spent together, and I know that I will be seeing her again very soon

Outside of the times when she goes away I think she and I have a very good relationship, and it is getting better all the time. Perhaps if I give her enough time, she would open up to me about this issue then I would not have to go to strangers, but if I am hurting her or causing her unnecessary stress, I prefer to stop now rather than later, or wait until it is completely too late. If only I could know that I was not causing her to suffer, I would be happy with everything exactly the way it is, even with her sudden absences.

I am not naïve and understand that we may discover that we are simply not compatible for other reasons. If this is the case, although I will always love her, I will let her go. I just don’t want to drive our renewed relationship to an end before we have a chance to explore the other aspects of our potential lives together.

There is no way for me to say this without sounding obsessive. It’s not like she is the only person I have ever dated, had a relationship with, or slept with. She is something more, and I still hope that she is the last person I will ever have to date.

I know I am not without issues myself, and am always open to further improvement. I will give the book HopeGrows recommends a read.

MusciBoxForever: Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you really did love him, and I am sorry that it could not work out for you. It sounded like he was completely unaware of your unique needs and perspective.

Perhaps things may have gone better if he were aware, but you were not able to share your feelings with him at the time. Please understand that I am not saying this to be mean. This is exactly why I am here looking for information and advice. I am aware of many of her special needs and am able to accommodate them. I do not want to wait until she is ready to express herself 5 years after I lose her to realize that there were other simple things I could have done to keep her.

She makes me so very happy. All I want is to make her happy too if it is within my means to do so.

Bluemage mentioned that perhaps I am putting her in a situation where its "act happy, or else!" I don’t think this is the case. She is free to be angry, upset, crabby, whatever.

She does not express emotions very often, but she has had plenty of opportunity for the full range of feelings with others in her life since we started seeing each other again

I do not believe I feed, reflect or multiply her own emotional condition. I am there to console her, let her vent, or whatever she needs, and she seems to appreciate that.

So far, with me she has only expressed stress from me for demanding too much of her time, and for me getting emotional about wanting to be with her, but I have learned what she needs, and we are past that now. She has not expressed any other concerns or bad feelings toward me, but she is free to do so at any time.

I have mentioned before that I am easily satisfied. I don’t have any expectations of her to “understand me”, and I don’t freak out about things going on in my life. I am secure in my own life, career, etc. I don’t come home at the end of the day to unload all my problems on her. The worst of my issues fades away just being in her presence, and there is nothing so horrible in life that would make me want to jeopardize my relationship with her.

Aside from occasionally asking her how she feels, or what she is thinking, the biggest thing I have asked of her is to use her eye for color to help me pick paint colors for my house. I hope that she is not frustrated by what she perceives as high expectations of her, but I wil be mindful of the possibility.

Thats not love.

Loving someone is a respect and understanding of the person, and accepting them - exactly the way they are. Not trying or wanting to change them or improve them.

What you are describing is infatuation mixed with fantasy and obsession.

Loving someone is quite the opposite of what you described. If you love someone you could never lose complete respect for yourself and what you are.

Finding advice from strangers isn't such a bad thing. I've been there... It has it's place.
What we are good for, particularly, is seeing the big picture. It's easy for a person to see all the details, and with them, find ways shift the look of the big picture. To slant it toward a bias. We, as strangers, would tend not have the biases you might have. So, take that as you may.

Although we may have misunderstood some things, or have gotten a skewed perspective as you claim, there is still some rough idea to be had of how things are going. I wouldn't propose giving up hope, nor would I propose you are not compatible with her. Actually, I feel strongly that those two ideas miss the point entirely. You are potentially compatible, and things can be made to work better... With some perspective shift on your part.

What I think is going wrong here is your sense of self, and your respect for yourself, without regard to another person. Things may be going otherwise okay, but some of the things you've described, some of the things you've said are simply not possible without a certain mindset, or a deep level of incongruity of respect. So, although you say we could get the wrong idea, you've also got to give us some credit; Sometimes we are able to see through the appearances you subconsciously craft, the things you might be doing to attempt to swerve around the truth of the matter.

Regardless, you say you're taking our words to heart, and I certainly believe you on that account. A lot of folks would simply reject this kind of criticism out of hand. So you've certainly got my respect in that regard.

I'd encourage you to read through other posts in this forum. Most of them share a common thread.... Besides AS.

Yeah, you do sound a little obsessed, and I've been down that road. Take it one step at a time, build a good friendship if anything.