Help with a relationship.

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I was diagnosed with asperger's when I was 16, and I've been dating a guy for 3 years. We're engaged but we get into a lot of fights. Mostly about me being rude, saying something mean, asking him if he's mad all the time, and about me not going out with him and with I do go out being on edge all the time. I've tried to explain to him that I have asperger's syndrome and sometimes I don't understand what I said was rude, and the fact that I can't read social cues, or emotion very well. He hears me say it but I don't think he understands at all. At first when we were going out he thought it made me look cute and naive but now its really getting on his last nerve. Majority of the books are about a women with a male partner on the spectrum not the other way around. Are there any books or films that any of you can recommend that can help me try to explain this to him?

Have you investigated whether those books still apply despite gender?

This is a problem that's common in a lot of relationships.. it takes a long time to find out what pisses eachother off, and even then, sometimes people forget or don't understand initially. You could read every book under the sun, but in reality, the only thing that will work is sitting down with him after each fallout and working out what happened, why each party became upset and what to do in future situation. You will probably both have to apologise to each other and both make compromises for things to work out, but only you know exactly what these things will be and I doubt you'll get them from a book.

Personally, I don't think books like 'aspergers in love' are all that helpful. To me, they send out the message to the NT partner "this is me, suck it up and don;t expect me to be the one to compromise because I have aspergers!". This won't work in reality, not unless they're a complete martyr.. Your aspergers may make things difficult for you, but it is not impossible to learn normal social skills and navigate your way through a relationship. You are not something to be studied like some exotic zoo creature; you are an equal partner in this relationship and deserve to be treated like one and to act like one.

Please don't get me wrong; I'm not saying you are using your AS as an excuse, just that it may seem like that to him sometimes. You probably do find it harder than most people in the same situation, but you wil have to rise to it. He, in turn, will have to continue to be patient and remember the things that drew him to you in the first place. As I have said, I don't think showing him a book on relationships will help; he may still be in denial that you have AS, or think you are hiding behind it. It would really be better if you thrashed things out as individual people.

@Lene, that's great advice - well said.

OP, I agree with Lene - there are probably options you have to better appropriate your behavior. However, it seems like there's a bigger problem between you and your fiance than AS. He doesn't seem equipped to deal with your diagnosis - at all. In fact, he doesn't seem to acknowledge that you have it. I'm struck by the fact that he hasn't bothered to educate himself at all about AS. Does he think it's something you can be cured of? Look, at the very least, he's not being realistic about what it means to make a lifetime commitment to someone with AS. While I'm hopeful you can improve some of your behaviors, the reality is you're not NT, and he doesn't seem to accept that. The two of you need to improve your communication skills, so you can talk to each other about something as serious as this (and all of the other challenges married couples face). I hope you put your wedding plans on hold until you get this worked out...and consider working with a couples therapist to get the job done. Good luck.