Best Friend Was an Aspie Girl - She Hates Me Now

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This isn't strictly an Asperger's issue, but the girl in question does have Asperger's.

I really cared for this girl, realised recently that it was love... we got along so well and would hang out all the time. We would just talk for hours. She seemed to like me but I had no idea at the time so I never asked her out. One day we had an argument after I'd told her I liked one of her friends a bit. She texted me saying I had taken her for granted and been cruel to her, and that this was "the final straw". I felt at the time that she was being very unreasonable and I sent a pretty mean text to her in response. But make no mistake: I was the one in the wrong here. I was incredibly ignorant regarding her feelings.

I apoligised but things weren't the same for a long time. Then, finally, after four months we finally started talking again. It felt so good to have her near again.. we were texting every day, joking around, and still had the same great chemistry. Then, basically just after I told her how much I've valued her friendship, she sends me a letter saying she has "moved on" from our friendship and that she "hasn't felt the same" since the argument. She ended the letter with "goodbye". I was devastated. She also texted me saying it was too late for me to make it up to her and that she doesn't want to sort things out anymore.

I've wrote to her asking for her to tell me why she suddenly dumped me, but she won't give me a real reason. I even had a friend go to her house and tell her that I was hurt by all of this and that I wanted to talk things over: 2 minutes and I'd never bother her again if that's she wanted. Her response was to tell my friend that it was "weird" that I was trying to talk to her after she had already told me that our friendship is finished. She acts as if I'm a stalker when frankly I've reacted more reasonably than most people would in this situation! I can't be expected to just drop the friendship like that and move on.

I just want to know where I went wrong. I know that she hasn't moved on from the argument... she's obviously angry at me. I've tried to tell her that I never meant to hurt her and that she means so much to me, but it seems to fall upon deaf ears. She just says stuff like, "Well I don't treat people like that". It's so unbelievably hurtful. This wasn't even a particularly serious argument. She told me recently that she tried to make things up to me after the argument by texting me and I didn't respond, but I've told her I never got this text. She doesn't believe me. It seems as if my actions hurt her so much more than they would have hurt anyone else.

I don't want to generalise about people with AS, but i'm just trying to understand whether her stubborness and reluctance to forgive me is something to do with her Asperger's... because it's killing me to think that she just hates me full stop.

I've never told her that I have borderline personality disorder and suffer from very serious mood swings/suicidal tendencies. I don't know if I should tell her... I don't know if she will be more understanding of my previous actions if I tell her or even less inclined to accept my friendship again. She generally hates any kind of drama or overt emotional situations.

I feel so guilty about everything and I don't know what to do. I'm just hoping that you guys/girls may be able to give more insight into the way she feels... I just can't read her at all, she's not like any other girl I've met. Just from what I said, can anyone give me an idea of what she might be feeling and whether it's worth trying to make things up to her after she's already told me it's too late? Or should I just give up?

We're both 18 by the way.

Damn, I am sorry to hear that.

Accept that she is an ass and resolve to leave her behind. You made the effort to treat her reasonably and with respect, and she has taken a metaphorical poop on you. There's nothing more you can do. Don't blame yourself.

But I can't help but blame myself... that's just the way I am. She was the perfect friend before I started with the BS.

The thing is... I think she thinks that we were boyfriend/girlfriend when we never were. We were friends and good friends at that but she says stuff like, "my feelings about you have changed". "I'm over you now", as if there was something more going on. It's really confusing.

Respect her wishes and move on.


M.

Maybe she'll eventually talk with you again. It could take years or never happen, but I suggest against pressuring her. You'll have to grapple with the thought that you might not get to see her much in the future, and try to not hope for more than closure - and probably not closure any time soon. It's going to be tough, of course.
Keep a low profile, don't lose your temper.

Curiousity: You really care about her, don't you?

I would speculate that she was probably feeling the same "love chemistry" that you were. She probably felt very hurt and confused when you mentioned to her that you "kinda liked her friend" ( as I am confused ) . She probably concluded that you did not have romantic feelings for her. I think that would be the logical conclusion. If, when you tried to repair the friendship, you did it by presenting yourself as a friend only , but still had romantic feelings for her... you weren't being forthcoming. She probably still had romantic feelings as well . That would explain her 'odd' behavior. It hurts somewhat to have someone ask you to be their friend when you have romantic feelings for them. I understand that you told her about the friend to spark a little jealousy in her, in the hopes that ...... More than likely , it never occured to her that it was a ploy . I don't think she is being forthcoming with her feelings either , though. You're expecting her to pick up on a social game . If you want to try again , you'll have to explain to her the whole truth ( and that ain't easy ) and hope she understands and probably try several times. I would definately try again , if it means something to you . Flowers maybe ?

I was recently in a similar situation.

I had a friend for three years who had AS. Early in the correspondence, she told me that she would "never disappear without a reason" (I was abruptly ditched by a friend prior to meeting her). I was unsuccessful in pursuing a relationship with her, due to her (a) expecting to never have to deal with burdens or inconveniences in a relationship, (b) expecting to never have to give emotional support, and (c) expecting people to instinctively know what she's thinking without her ever having to tell them. When I mentioned that those were unreasonable, she accused me of trying to manipulate her. She accused me of not communicating, but she could have asked questions about me. Because she didn't, I just randomly told her things about myself. And she would barely open up herself, but she accused me of not communicating, when I was actually much more open than she was.

So she and I agreed to stay friends. But suddenly, she went from being open and friendly to being secretive and standoffish, and never telling me anything about what was going on with her. Eventually, she cut contact, blocked me from IM, and stopped answering my e-mails. I was starting to get concerned, because she had gone back on her promise to never disappear without a reason, so I e-mailed her to find out what was going on. But all I got was silence. I eventually had to get a friend to e-mail her, and instead of acting as if I was a concerned friend, she acted as if I was a crazy psycho stalker, when I never meant anything bad from it.

I don't think you should blame yourself. When you told her about her friend (which I gather is when the trouble started) you didn't know she liked you in that way - in the circumstances, I think it's perfectly legitimate for one to say to a friend of the opposite sex that one fancies X. I have no experience whatsoever with aspie girls - I don't think I've ever met one - so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but I'm surprised by the extent she assumed things about the relationship without any explicit confirmation. It sounds like she thought it was obvious she liked you, even though aspies are not easy to read, and I would expect her to be more aware of issues of misreading non-verbal communication than the average person. Particularly so if she assumed you were a couple - I was under the impression such situations tend to get clarified. I can totally understand the desire to keep her friendship if you can't have a relationship with her. That she does not even give you a chance to explain yourself does not sound reasonable to me, and along with the rest to me it says you should move on. The desire for some sort of closure can be very strong (been there) but one has to accept one does not always get closure. Best of luck.

You went wrong as soon as you mentioned liking her friend. If you loved her like you say you do, that was a lie.

I can see why she acted the way she did. She obviously had a thing for you when you said that. If some guy I liked said that to me I would be devestated and think he was tactless, nasty, emotionless and cruel.

You should have never said that.

If she doesn't want to be your friend you need to cut your losses and move on, and never make that mistake again.

She is stronger than me. I've gone back to partners who have pointed at a girl and said to me "I want to have sex with her".

This topic hits a nerve with me because I have been in here place - probably in worse ways too. If you love her you obviously said that to hurt her.

It really sucks, but she may have only been friends with you because she hoped you'd eventually go out with her. She may not have even realised this herself until you made that comment.

I've been the 'rejected' friend myself and I can vouch it is very tough to hang out with someone you like knowing that they definitely (from what they've said) don't fancy you. I managed to get through it with my friend, but I can understand why sometimes it can be too much. I've been on the recieving end of 'friends' like this too, who drop you as soon as they realise they are stuck at 'friend' level and I found it very hurtful at the time, having invested so much myself into a 'false; friendship.

If she was over you though, I don't understand why she could not have remained friends, unless she was very insulted by your text. That could happen, and she is in her rights not to hang around with someone who sends abusive messages.

I agree with others; take this as a learning experience and move on.

I think you should tell her the truth about everything. Tell her how much you care about her, and tell her about your suicidal tendencies. Ask if there's anything you can do to fix it, and if there is, do it. I think you thought you liked her friend because you were trying to distract yourself from her. If you think that's true, tell her that. Above all, apologize. Tell her how you blame yourself (if you still do) and tell her you understand what you've done and won't do it again. Tell her you never meant to treat her that way.

That's what I would do. I tried to help.