Not sure what I want

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I have been afraid to admit this for a very long time...

...but I am not sure what I want in a partner.

I know a lot about myself, but I don't know the things about myself that should be of importance to a potential partner.

I do know the following:

1. I like to travel.
2. I do want to start a family.
3. I have an extremely high sex drive, and am interested in kink.
4. I don't think I could handle a relationship with an NT.
5. I don't like loud, pulsating music.
6. I don't have any of the touch issues that some people on the spectrum have.

Seems like you know what you want to me.

Let me the first to say...HOORAY! I think The List was getting in your way and throwing it out the window is a great thing to do. And you did. So good! And you are also declining to make a new list. Again, good.

I think going into dating with no clear idea of what you want another person to be is actually the best thing to do. You know things about yourself and that's great but trying to figure out in advance of meeting somebody exactly what they should be like in order to mesh with you is a fool's errand. And you have abandoned it. So...GOOD!

The person you wind up with merely needs to be compatible with you and you have no idea what form that compatibility will take until you have actually spent some time with her, whoever she may be.

If you go into dating with an open mind and no expectations, you will meet some compatible women and some incompatible women but you can't actually sort out who is compatible and who is incompatible until you have spent time with them.

Fort the record, I never had a List in what I wanted in a boyfriend or husband. I dated, had boyfriends, discovered through trial and error who was compatible with me and who was incompatible. If I had decided in advance what I wanted in a mate I would probably still be single. Some things just shouldn't be decided in advance.

I know people with Asperger's Syndrome don't like going into things without a plan. God knows my daughter wants things written in stone and planned out to the n'th degree before she'll consider an endeavor "safe" to do. This works ok for some things. (Although it can be rather iffy when playing with other children because they change the rules of games at warp speed.) In love, it's a recipe for disaster. Some things can be planned and some things can't.

So welcome to uncertainty. It probably looks like a yawning abyss that you don't actually want to jump into. But jump anyway. This is one place where a clear idea of exactly what you want can work against you.

And congratulations on ditching The List. This is a very good step.

First ToadofSteel starts therapy. Then you ditch The List...This is a really good day.

Go back and read all of the numerous postings of advice you have been given in the past. Ditching that ridiculous list you had is a good start. Nobody ever knows exactly what they want in a partner. Quite frequently the most compatible partner is the one you least expect.

For years, I felt that not knowing what I want symbolized being weak and wishy-washy.

Maybe others feel that way Tim. But do not let yourself feel so low as that. What made you change your mind? What makes you no longer think of yourself as weak?

It is good that you know what you want. But you have to go out there to find that of which contains those things that you want most. Sometimes, it is a hit and miss. But the qualities you have in yourself are what alot of people in this world desire. Show who you are. Not what you are not, and in the end, you shall find that someone in time.

I hear ya, Tim. I've learned that it's pretty unrealistic to 'want' any specific package, rather than it is to just wait and see if it works out, after you've met someone who seems to 'fit'. I've found that there's no way to 'know' if it'll work, unless you try. I have a few basic 'needs', but after that, I don't really give a crap. All we can do, is hope the stars align, and everything falls into place.(boy, did that sound cheessy, or what? )

I wonder if there is anyone who is compatible with what I wrote about myself, in comparison to the old approach.

^A horny person who likes to travel and have kids, while listening to non-metal music? I'm pretty sure there's plenty of gals who'd fit that category.

So the Aspie partner who likes traveling, wants a family, and has a high sex drive is not too difficult to find?

Eliminate your rigid criteria for aspie women. Eliminate aspie and make it any woman. Then they will not be hard to find.

I compromised by having a less rigid, more reasonable, and less confusing set of criteria.

Exactly. Find someone who you consider sexually attractive, and has a personality similar/compatible with your own. If your personalities click, there's a good chance that everything else can be negotiated, or accepted.

The family part could be a challenge, but then, there do seem to be a number of Aspie ladies out there with kids.

Personally, I don't know how they can stand it. The whole pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood thing just grosses me out. I knew when I was child myself I wasn't into the idea of having any of my own. Other girls played 'house', I played 'office'.

Everybody is implying that it's the Aspie part that's difficult.

That depends on how flexible or inflexible your expectations are, I suppose. Other respondents seem to advocate kissing your expectations good-bye. But this requires work: an honest inventory of oneself, thorough examination and questioning as to why such expectations are held and whether or not it is truly beneficial to continue to nurture certain expectations (or whether they are the precise thing that is getting in the way of you meeting that special woman). I'm certainly no expert on this stuff, but it seems many other men - NT or fabulous - seem to run into this problem of holding certain expectations or rigid criteria (generally of a physical, surface value nature) for what a woman must be in order to be "worthy" of them.

My approach is to take men on a case by case basis. I don't have a "list" per se, which leaves a lot of room for the individual and his quirks. If I'm not completely nauseated at the fact of someone expressing interest (which is not often - most men just make me want to throw something sharp and dangerous at their heads when I catch them looking..friggin' NTs, all, I can smell them miles away), then there might be a chance I could like that person. If I lined up every man I've been involved with or been attracted to in any significant way, there would be a great deal of variation in personality, appearance, abilities, etc. Snowflakes. Every man is a work of art in my eyes, and I like to appreciate them as such.