Need Advice ASAP- Sabotage?

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Ok, so my guy works at a school and this woman (mother of a 3rd grader) has been talking to him for a while now. She told him she had had cancer, and that the cancer may be back, and today he totally blew me off because it was too late after he went to her house and talked to her because she needed to talk to someone about it....NO ONE knows about her illness......not even her daughter and she doesn't want the school to know..

I have a definite feeling she's LYING just to get his attention!!...her husband left her so she's just trying to get attention! But he's so innocent and too nice that I don't think he sees that!! ! And he's just willing to cater to her b/c she makes him lunch sometimes and brings it to the school....

WHAT do I do to get him to stop listening to her lies?? I tried telling him to tell the other teachers about her illness but he's like, "I have to respect her privacy....she doesn't want anyone to know...." but it's such a LIE.....he's really cute and sweet and I think she's just taking advantage of him!! And it's hurting me b/c I haven't seen him ALL week long and we were supposed to see each other today if she hadn't called him over to her house to get the tupperware back!

HELP!! !! !! !

go with him, if its as innocent as he makes it out to be no problem, if he doesnt want you to go you just need to issue him an ultimatum, its you or her

We live so far away.....like almost 45 minutes away and I don't drive....so there's no way when he's at work already that I could go with him! Her house is like right across from the school.....

well all thats left is the ultimatum. he was supposed to come see you today but she dragged him away instead

Have you said about how you're feeling? Explaining that you're feeling ignored and reminding him gently that he's in a relationship with you may be a good idea before issuing an ultimatum. If he has no idea how this makes you feel, an ultimatum would be a big shock.

Him being kind is well and good but letting him know that he's damaging your relationship with each other with his actions is important.

I'm sorry hon, but I think you're missing the point. The point is not that this woman is lying to your bf (whether she is or she isn't) - it's that he's listening. She makes him lunch? She's talking to him about her illness? It takes him more than 30 seconds to return her tupperware? This is a relationship you're excluded from?

I'm assuming you're in a committed relationship with this man, and based on that I think you deserve some answers. But before you do anything, you have to understand that he's not a helpless victim here - he's willingly having a relationship with this woman. Neither one of us knows his intentions, or this woman's intentions, or the nature of the relationship. However, you're in a position to find that out. You need to talk with your bf and ask him what's going on - and you need to listen very carefully to his response. This man is sacrificing time with you for this woman - you need to understand what that means to you, and decide how you want to deal with it. Good luck.

The bigger issue I see is your assumption that she is lying; you've provided nothing to substantiate that claim other than your own suppositions. Taking everything else out of the equation, it appears that you are jealous of the time that he is spending with this woman and are seeking to take it out on her instead of dealing with your feelings on the situation. That is not to say your feelings are invalid, as if you are in a relationship with this guy then what is happening is having an effect on that relationship and you personally. As an adult, he can make decisions for himself - I think HG has good advice when she suggests discussing your feelings and concerns about the situation, but the manner in which you appear to be responding at this time is very concerning.


M.

Thanks for your replies. Well...the manner in which I'm reacting is just because I know he's naive and innocent and probably has no clue that she could be lying to him just to get what she wants.....possibly him. We are not a couple just yet, but he's making hints that he wants us to be. And we're basically right there.....so it's like....I don't know what to do.

IF she is lying, she will take advantage of his not knowing and that could jeopardize our relationship. If she's NOT lying, then that's a different story in which it's OK that they "talk" but when someone asks to come over your house and talk, it's not just talk....especially if he stays there for more than 10 minutes....

edited after reading your post above


Merle

Last edited by sinsboldly on 26 Feb 2010, 10:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So, if I may summarize my understanding and interpretation of what you've said...

You and the guy in question are not in a relationship of any sort.
You are basing your reaction on 'hints' given by this guy.
You are self-assessed as being on the spectrum, which includes impairment in understanding of nonverbal cues.
Your belief that she is lying is based on personal supposition and the possibility, and not substantiated by facts or events beyond his lack of attention paid to you over the past week.
You believe that grown adults do not converse for more than 10 minutes at a time.
You do not trust the object of your affection to spend time with a married female.
You are choosing to act off of these assumptions instead of approaching your potential partner directly.

My apologies if I come across as harsh, but I think your reaction is unreasonable here - if you have concerns, discuss them instead of acting from fear.


M.

That was a bit harsh, but still valid. And I never act from fear....I am discussing it. Here. And trying to figure out how to handle it....which means I'm not going to say a THING unless he brings it up again. But it's just fishy that it's such an intimate relationship that she brings him lunch (no strings attached?)

It is curious, but I have trouble seeing it to the degree you appear to be concerned. That you are not acting yet is a good thing, but it would be concerning to me if a prospective partner did not trust me to make my own decisions or to spend time with someone on a platonic level.


M.

OP, I'm a bit taken aback by your response....you're not going to talk to him about your concerns? If it bothers you this much, why wouldn't you want to resolve the matter? I'm not suggesting that you approach the conversation with guns blazing, but how do you expect to resolve it if you ignore it?

I gave my initial advice based on the assumption that you and this man were in a committed relationship. Being that you're not, this issue might be as good a catalyst as any to discuss the nature of your relationship with him. Again, I'm not suggesting that you be combative with him, but you could use this opportunity to clarify the "hints" you feel he's been dropping. If you're not willing to do that, however, I sure wouldn't waste your time and energy worrying about this woman.

Even if you're not in a relationship with this guy, as a friend it may be wise to look out for him.

He's not a doctor, so he owes no patient confidentiality. I think the idea that he alone knows her secret is a bit off a power trip so he will resent the implication that he is merely being duped. On the plus side (for you), a lot of aspies take a very dim view on lying, and if her cancer is fake, she won't be able to hide it forever (though she only said she 'thinks' it may be coming back)

You're probably wise not bringing it up again unless he mentions it; if it's real, it would make you look bad for doubting (though as you say, she has not given any evidence), and if ti is not real, then his pride has just taken a major fall and he'll probably want to forget the whole thing.

The lunch thing may just be her being grateful that he called round to see her. It would be rude of him to just drop it off; he would have to chat for a little while to be polite. That said though, when did she start making lunches for him? Before he called round to talk to her or afterwards? Also, do any other teachers get this service? If the personaliised lunch service a been going on for a while then yeah, I would be supicious too, moreso than the cancer.

Seriously, 45 minutes isn't that far away if you really like this guy. Go early and meet him after class. Insist on going along and bring a huge bouquet or something with you.

He's been working at that school for a few months and she started making him those lunches like a few weeks ago....maybe since a month ago, before every having told him about the whole cancer thing. I doubt any of the other teachers get that treatment....but again, I have no proof of that.

But just the fact that he broke our date is what bothers me the most, because if she calls him one day again, he might break another date with me. And then what?

And yeah I would totally go, but i don't drive...so that makes it much harder.

Why the hell does the mother of the 3rd grader talk to the uh, teacher, out of all the freaking people there is to talk about? o.O
i mean unless they were friends or something, i can only think that she's trying to get his attention.

Either way, i think you should be upfront, and tell him whats on your mind.
As long as you're not a official couple, you cant really do much.