Understanding My Aspie Girlfriend. My story

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Hi everyone, i am 26. i have been dating a girl who has aspergers, ADHD and depression for around 13 months now, and was hoping to get some much needed advice, to help ascertain more knowledge/Understanding of her condition.

As for me, i have a very good job working from home on ebay, very healthy lifestyle, very Happy most of the time. I met her via social media, and we pretty much hit it off straight away, she was very clear to state that she suffered from Asperger's on our first dates but neglected to tell me that she suffered from deppression. After about 3 months she asked me to move in with her, which despite friends and family telling me to wait' i did anyway!

Over the next few months of living with her, her symptoms, albiet' aspergers traits'/ Depression became more noticeable and harder to manage in conjunction with my own routine and lifestyle. she was having regular One 2 One sessions with a therapist at a specialized autism clinic, and also has done CBT, and various other methods in the past to help her better understand her depression and Aspergers. I was also reading alot about how to treat depression, and how to better understand Aspergers.

From what i gather her depression has been caused by alot of things. She was badly bullied at school, her parents have virtually dishoned her, failed past relationships, stress's of work (30hr Part Time receptionist). Also i think she struggles to believe i will stay with her in the relationship, she doesnt trust that i feel for her and feels guilty when she needs alone time. From what i gather and have read, aspergers people are very logical thinkers where as alot of neurotypicals are Emotionally driven. she needs to be reminded twice a week that i still love her.

After about 6 months it became so un-manageble that she decided to go to her local GP and get a prescription for Zoloft and Concerta, to treat her depression and ADHD. After a few weeks it became noticeble that her symptons had subsided and she actually felt happy at times. Whilst the medication was helping her in many ways, i felt i was being pushed out. Within the space of a month, she no longer needed affection, help, her need for me had gone. She took solitude and invested her time playing video games, watching youtube and going horse-riding (Special interests). I tried to talk to her about how i felt in the relationship, but her argument was that she didnt trust me, i lied to her, i dont need a boyfriend. i will admit i had lied on a few occasions about accidentally letting out her dog and seeing an old Female Friend. Nothing serious enough to warrant an argument but enough for her to think that i could keep doing it and hide the truth from her.

As the months past, i was genuinely contemplating leaving. I felt insecure, and had virtually no confidence.
was she defending herself from getting hurt by cutting me out? the mere mentioning of emotions or future planning put her into meltdown and depression, so i found it hard to figure out what she wanted from me or the relationship.

The truth is i didn't want to give up on the relationship. she had so many valuable qualities that i looked for in partnership that i felt i needed to see it through until i was 100% confident that their was no hope. I found myself waking up at 3am by her holding on to me for dear life, and when i was away for a few days at a time, she needed to know that i was safe. I kept saying to myself that she must still feel like she wants a partner if she is acting in this manner? these little things gave me hope.

To cut a long story short, we had arguments, they made things worse, she became more distant, but i learnt from my mistakes and if i have a problem i communicate with her more in a way so that she doesn't get the wrong impression. I think because she has never lived with a man before she is struggling to adapt? she struggles to enjoy her alone time with me around because she feels guilty that she is not spending time with me. Despite me telling her otherwise. Whilst we are both comprising, i really dont know what to expect for the future.

More recently she spoke about are relationship and her words were. "i hoped to find happiness when being in a relationship, but instead i dont think it is possible for me. I know i dont want to be alone but you need to understand that its difficult. i cant find security and safety with you at the moment, and i need to be able to trust you again. it will take a long time but i am prepared to keep working at it if you are willing to stay. i know that you are good for me but you need to try harder to understand me"

I feel our relationship is alot better now. I think she relaizes that she wants me in her life. Im certainly no romantic, and am by no means needy, but i still feel that their needs to be some form of connection, and love to make a relationship work which doesnt seem to be reciprocated in ways in which i understand. i worry that the lack of sex and intamacy is a byprduct of the infatuation running out or whether my mistakes have prevented her from wanting to feel close with me.

I have learnt that you have got to be pretty strong minded and not take things personally. despite her depression intermittently coming back, things look positive. However she still doesn't trust that i will stay with her. we currently spend Saturday together, and Sunday she takes part in her special interest's by herself. Social interaction on a daily basis in minimal.

i wanted to ask whether anyone else could relate ? or if any aspie women could provide their advice/experiance.

Thanks for reading.

J

It seems you are very stressed out.

A few things came to mind:

1. Receptionist is really not a good job for Asperger person. Are there no other jobs that she could do that don't need so much interaction with people? She is putting a lot of effort to be social at work and the behaviours you are describing could be just meltdowns because it's all too much.

2. Does the therapist she's seeing have a good understanding of Asperger? If she/he applies the same strategy to her than to everyone else, it may make things worse.

3. Trust: It's a difficult issue, again she may try hard to pass for an NT and worries you won't accept her if she is being herself. And in fact you said you felt rejected when she felt better and started spending time on her own. She may also not be able to see your true feelings and is trying to work out what is going on your side by logic (saying you need to try more to understand her, she is more able to asses how much you're trying than how much you love her by being kind an affectionate). However she doesn't understand that she makes you tired... That's what again makes me think her therapist is not well informed about Asperger.

I would say she didn't come to terms with her diagnosis in general.

Trust is hard to develop for anyone, especially one with Aspergers that's been relentlessly bullied. The little white lies you told her may not be big for you, but for her it's likely just another example on long list of people that have lied to her and used her with those lies. I get that the female friend was nothing, and the dog was minor, but those really aren't the issue, the issue is that she can't trust you because that foundation has been shaken.

A person that's "different" and been bullied will have a hard time trusting to begin with since it's been beaten into them not to trust other humans (sometimes literally beaten in). Realize that to trust you, she's probably investing twice as much effort and energy than you do-- it's very, very hard. That doesn't mean it's not possible, just that for her to trust you she has to walk past a minefield to do it, which other people do not.

I know you mentioned that she was concerned with the stability of the relationship, but I get the sense that you're concerned about it too. I would say this: if she's got Asperger's lying about things probably isn't the first thing on her mind, and probably pretty difficult to pull off for her anyhow. If she says she's working on it and wants to make it work then she's probably telling the truth.

As for her pursuing hobbies over you-- it could just be a phase. Relationships change and people's investment in them changes over time, just because she needs distance now doesn't mean it won't change in the future. Also if it's a big issue for you, then you need to bring it up. Just tell her you need more time around her-- don't say want, say need.

Thankyou both for getting back to me.

Carbonmonoxide, it's taken along time but I think she feels quite comfortable at work. Despite being demanding at times, she gets on well with her colleagues and they are all very understanding and supportive. Don't get me wrong if she has had to handle a difficult situation it can set her back a day. But she seems happy enough working their. Shes looking for something different in the future though, possibly working with horses.

As far as I am aware the physchologist is well versed when understanding aspergers. I have met her personally and the centre where she goes to is autism specific.

Aristophones, Thanks for your response. I think I neglect to see things from her side of the fence most of the time. Whilst she hides it well I need to appreciate that she is trying is she's sticking around.

I hate the fact that I had lied to her, neurotypically I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want her to become even more depressed. But I understand now.

Some YouTube videos on female Aspies :