Hugging

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So I'm seeing this guy. We're really happy and into each other and everything, but he mentioned something tonight that made me think...he said he loves my hugs but that he'd like them to be longer. But I don't really like too much physical contact especially when I'm nervous and anxious. I usually hug him and then pull away really quick! But now he wants me to hug him longer? Why and how do I do this without feeling completely awkward??

You could ask him if he will let you just hug him without him hugging back too much to get used to it. A friend of mine figured out my aspieness (he did sociology at university) when he tried to hug me without prior warning as that's when I turn into a bunch of frozen limbs. I am much better at hugging when it's on my own terms so I'm wondering if you 'being in charge of the hug' could help you in the way it helps me?

You could also try leaning on his shoulder as a (lesser) substitute. Compromise - like Google - is your friend.
Pretend his shoulder is just furniture.

The think the post by Lepus is better, though.

I would actually like to figure out the answer that question myself, I dislike hugging even my own mother, let alone anyone else. That terrible itching/crawling/tingling feeling that shoots all the way down my spine and into my limbs, coupled with the feeling of being "caught," as if being held that tightly keeps me from being able to run away should I need too, and of course I always feel I need to when in that situation.

Just a nasty sensation overall, and I hate it because it's such a common occurence between good friends and above. Yet I can't stand it. Frustrating.

You could tell him to not be so demanding, seems completely unnatural.

"Hug me for longer" I mean who even says that?

But is there a way to dimish that physical sensation?

Well I. I do. And lots of other people do that as well. If you're NT it feels like someone really cares for you if they hug you long, you feel safe and loved and everything good. And it can feel like they shrink from you if they back off really fast. And sometimes we have needier days than others.

So Penandinkmarie, please don't take that advice! Asking for physical affection must be ok in a relationship, otherwise we'd all have to guess what the other person wants in bed and it would all be a dreadful mess. And just asking doesn't make him demanding. From the original post, he sounds like a nice and not overly dominant person. He's stated what he'd like and now you get to decide if and how you want to give it to him.

It's worth mentioning that a hug can produce this feeling of being loved, but a hug is not the only thing that works. It's just traditional, habitual or what have you. Maybe there's something else you could offer him, or some code for you two to invent for yourselves instead of a hug when you want to make him feel really cared for? Loving words, a gesture, holding hands...something. You could ask him...

Here's another good question ......how long is too long??

if you're truly in love with someone and both of you are comfortable with it, no hug is too long

This is something I could never get the hang of, either. I never knew how to hug or cuddle someone. I just kind of sat there and tried to fake my way through everything. It's just not an impulse I feel.

I swear I'm not real.

People with lasting, successful relationships based on open communication and avoiding reliance on telepathy?

If it made you uncomfortable enough to make you resentful of your boyfriend, it would be too long.

Penandinkmarie, I get a sense that you're looking for a specific set of rules that says "this is how often, how long and how thoroughly you hug. Anything above or below these values is wrong."
Eh, these rules don't exist.
There is only one rule for healthy relationships: Talk about it.

We all have wants and needs we carry from childhood into our adult lives. For some people this means thorough hugging. For others it means needing to see your girlfriend in fancy shoes, or needing your girlfriend to hit you or whatever. Not all of these needs are psychological. Perhaps your need is to not hug, or at least not as long, as hard and as often as your boyfriend wants.

That's ok. It's perfectly fine. The question is in what ways you two can give each other this feeling cared for that you both need. And this is something you can talk about. "I love you and I want to show you how happy I am that you are here, but hugging doesn't work for me because it makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's nothing to do with you, my body just isn't wired for it. Can I show you some other way?"

If hugging merely leaves you cold and doesn't bother you, like Miz Liz says, I'd say, give him what he needs. But if it bothers you, say something.

A laudable post, Omnomnom.

Thanks, PLA.

I love this sentence!

I think being honest is usually the best bet. But place the emphasis on your preference on hugging. Say something like, "I like you, but hugging anyone makes me feel uneasy. Give me time and let it happen naturally. It might not, but give it time anyway."

If he wants to be in a relationship with you - whether friendship or romance - he will need to respect your wishes anyway.

He might be wondering if it's him, and the hug request could be about reassurance that it isn't. Maybe telling him it isn't 'him' in words instead will solve it. Or, he could have a wish to make things more 'physical' (sexual) with you and that's what he's hinting at. If so maybe just ask him what he's really asking for.