Gorgeous girl @ work - Help!

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Ok bit of help needed guys, I'm not normally a needy sort of person but would really appreciate some advice from people who are experienced in relationships; especially girls. I've never been in love so don't know what to do.

Basically I've just been diagnosed with Aspergers and amd going through a bit of a tough time with it; I'm ok with how it may affect my work it's the social & relationship side of it that's gettnig me pretty depressed.

I'm an ok looking guy, medium build fairly athletic, going a bit thin on top but I'm not ugly. Always imagined I would end up with a nice girl eventually, but now it seems increasingly unlikely.

I haven't had any friends or a social life for about 10years now and it was getting me down; I had a diagnosis of social anxiety a while ago which didn't come as a surprise but even then I always thought I'd sort of 'grow out of it'. But now I found out that it's genetically hard-wired into my brain I'm less optimistic.

Basically there's this gorgeous girl at work who is really clever, quiet, witty, softly spoken, down-to-earth and easy to talk to and I can't help being attracted to her. For the last couple of years since I found out about this social anxiety stuff I've pretty much kept myself in a box when it comes to girls i.e. been polite and chatty but asexual. But every once in a while someone like this comes along and blows me away.

I've never been in love but occasionally I meet a girl like this and I can't help getting carried away and have to make an extra special effort to contain myself when they come near. She's younger than me and got a 'tall dark handsome' boyfriend so I'd never make amorous advancements towards her but that doesn't stop me thinking she's wonderful.

The problem is that now I've just found out I have aspergers it's like everytime I talk to her I'm reminded that I'm different and will never get a girlfriend like her, at the moment I seem to find reminders in almost everything I do that I'm different and it's getting me very depressed.

But I feel awful because I almost sort of subconsciously avoid her now because I don't want to act weird around her or I don't want to feel depressed around her, but I'm scared she thinks I'm being anti-social. I'm rubbish at reading peoples body language but she's NT and I'm sure she can read mine a mile off and thinks I am avoiding her.

Occasionally despite trying desperately to keep myself in a box someone comes along and rocks your world, but at the moment that's just serving as another reminder that I've got a developmental brain disorder and no-one would want me.

I know I'm being self-defeating but I can't help it.

Anyone out there ever been in love with a NT but felt like they're cheating them? Felt like their partner should be with another NT instead of someone with high functioning Autism?

It kind of breaks my heart at the moment...

Thanks in advance; appreciate your comments as always

Just because Autism is genetic doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship. It is harder but it is still possible. Learning body language and learning how to apply that information can really help in making friendships (and keeping them).

Possibly going to an Aspie meet-up would also help, if you can, because you will probably meet people who will understand where you're coming from.

Well, hello hello!

I've a number of thoughts, but the first and primary one is regarding how you see AS in your mind. You seems to be of the notion that your behavior and mindset are 'hard wired.' While we may be physically/chemically predisposed to disfavoring the social stuff, it absolutely does not preclude us from being successful socially. It takes more work than the average joe, definitely, but we can more-or-less catch up with others. We can be outgoing(with effort), we can pick up on the cues(if we study them), we can find and be successful in relationships with anyone(with smart, self-aware, enlightened persistence).

It's easy to want to fall back on "I'm introverted, and that's the end of it," and then use that as an excuse to not put in effort, to not leave your comfort zones, to not seek to do better, to avoid the hard stuff. I implore you not to subscribe to this mentality; This is a big problem for us guys with AS, not so much the AS itself.

Now, you might want to hear good advice regarding how to pursue this specific girl, but in reality any person-specific or situation-specific advice is hardly worthwhile. What would really help you is to seek to be more sociable in general, and grow to become more comfortable. So long as you're a good person, if you can occasionally incorporate those traits (just for a little while, when needed), then you wont have so much trouble with meeting women. I understand that it's a tall order.... But it's not at all impossible. And it's worth the effort.

It might also help to realize that, as cool as this woman is, there's lots of cool women around. She should hardly be the only person to deserve this effort. Try not to get too hung up on her, as that rarely ever helps guys get a relationship started. It usually pushes confident, wary women away. Better to be willing to take a shot at her, subsequently fail(high probability, there), and be wiling to move on to the next cool lady with your new-found experience. The idea of that sucks, I know, that's simply how it works.

As a stupid analogy: In a similar way, you could ask people for advice on how to win a car race on a particular track, despite being an in-experienced race driver. But for all the advice we could give about that track, it's experience with race-car driving in general that would be your foundation for the endeavor.
... boy, my analogies just keep getting sillier...

I would love to help you get this woman, I really would, but what you really need is to embolden yourself and be more social in general. That's what'll help you in situations like this in the future. Particularly if the women you like are sociable themselves; If you remain relatively anti-social when you're with them, they might not appreciate it. Really, the reasons are many-fold, but those two reasons alone are pretty good ones.

>Sound: I think your analogie was a good one.

There are some here that know more than others and can give advice about some of the do's and don'ts of the social stuff but the biggest thing to do is try and eventually things will get a bit easier.

1.)You're putting her on a pedestal. I can tell by the way you talk about her and how you highlighted "gorgeous." Gorgeous women are common, and they all have smelly fecal matter just like the rest of us.

2.)She has a boyfriend, who is likely better than you.

3.)The way you talk about this woman, and think you're in love with her, is indicative of a bigger problem that a lot of Aspies have...getting obsessed over one unattainable woman.

AS really isn't a death sentence socially... I improved in a lot of ways after I got the diagnosis because I could understand my own reactions better and what was going on... it kinda got me to a place where I at least could learn. Now most people don't even believe I've got it...

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Last edited by Tim_Tex on 06 Mar 2010, 11:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Please don't try and let a label control your life. You're still the same person as you were before you knoew about the aspergers

1. Asperger's is not a disorder. We think differently from neurotypicals, but we're no more defective than they are.

2. Nothing says you'll never get a gorgeous girl. I did, and it didn't happen until I was in my late 30s - which was fine, as she was 10 years younger.

3. This one already has a boyfriend. Don't get too focused on her. As hale_bopp says, you're still the same person as you were before the diagnosis; just act the same way you would have then.

Wow is there nothing you can't say that charms the pants off me, your totally brilliant
oh in case you didn't know, that was sarcasm

Well if you were a gorgeous woman and a guy was obsessing over you at work and you had a boyfriend, would you like it?

That's funny.

NT advice: just be her friend. She has a boyfriend. If you're her buddy, you have a great chance of getting to know her very well. Lovers come and go but often friendships are lasting. I am madly "in love" with an Aspie. I also truly love him and I would devote the rest of my life to him with all his quirks and all our difficulties communicating. We are good friends. He's pretty much asexual aside from jerking off, has no interest in sexing another human. We see each other every few weeks, trade back rubs, cook together, cycle, grocery shop, etc. We have even slept in the same bed together all night (clothes on/separate blankets and pillows). We're just close like that. I am just his friend because he not interested in me (or anyone) as a girlfriend/relationship/future wifey. He doens't think he is capable of this- but he is. Maybe not now, but in 5 or 10 years, he will easily be husband material for some young girl who is lucky enough to be with him. But I wouldn't trade our situation for the girlfriend/boyfriend drama crap that is inevitable in relationships. We will never be lovers or "together," or married but I know he is completely devoted and committed to our friendship (even when he disappears for 10 days into the aspie-zone) and we'll never "break up." When you idealize someone as a lover/partner/future spouse, you often get these amazing highs followed by these devastating lows. When you're a friend, it's usually (not always) more even and calm.
Much more drama free. Also, it's a bad idea to "dip your pen in company ink" if you catch my drift (or never poop where you eat)...meaning...most work place relationships cause a whole other level of drama.When things are stressful for the couple, the workplace can become a nightmare.

Last edited by ptown on 07 Mar 2010, 4:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think just keep avoiding her and being polite when you do have to speak with her. She has a boyfriend after all, so she's not available.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with therange on this one. If you are an average looking bloke with average traits, then she is unlikely to be interested in you unless you have a lot of money or prestige. Miracles do happen, but I'd search around if I were you. Most people on the planet are in the same boat, and it's nothing to do with AS, so don't feel you are inadequate as a person.

Anyway, feel sorry for her boyfriend; I'm sure you're not the only on who's lusting after her, so imagine the pressure he's under to keep her.

The gorgeous girl who has a boyfriend. Which one doesn't these days? I know some many think being friends with her is a good idea, I however always found it very difficult to be friends with someone I'm really attracted to. It gets in the way. You're best to forget her.

I has happened, I don't mind people looking as long as they don't stare and are rude about it, my point
is you shouldn't be so hard on the OP, he's being honest and really doesn't need to be cut down so hard.