How do I move forward with this girl...

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, here's a complex scenario I find myself in. There is a girl who is an old classmate from my high school, who is now back in my area. I nursed a bit of a crush on her back then, and I sure would love to reconnect with her. We're FB friends, and write back and forth infrequently. We haven't actually met since we both got back from school. At the moment, she's training for a half marathon, and I'm giving her some advice on routes, since I've run several of these races in the past. Interestingly, she also works at the same hospital as my mom. Not sure if that is an advantage or disadvantage, but it's a detail I thought I'd throw out there. But I've held off making anything overt, because I wasn't sure if she was dating anyone, and I just didn't want to sour anything by coming on too strong. I wanted to play it slow, and see if something might eventually come of our acquaintanceship.

Now for the gamechanger: I recently enrolled for a month on match.com and guess who has a profile there (and a recent one, to boot)? Yup, you guessed it. And even better, we seem to match up pretty well.

But it seems to me that it would be a VERY bad idea to reach out to her through match. I mean, honestly, trulty, it was a coincidence that I found her there, but I doubt she'd believe that. She'd understandably think I'm really weird or a stalker.

What also has me nervous is since I viewed her profile once, I'm probably in her "Whos Viewed Me" history, so part of me wonders if at this point I HAVE to act, to SAY something, or my silence will confirm I'm a lurker, peeper, stalker. If I'm not upfront about seeing her on match, do I risk her thinking I'm a liar, if she indeed knows I've viewed her profile?

But now that I know she is both available AND looking, how do I proceed? I'm afraid to wait TOO long, and see her choose another lucky guy, but if I come on too strong, or in the wrong way, I cancel my shot. I'm stuck on how to get the ball rolling. Like, I wouldn't want to ask for dinner and a movie, that's too datey. How do I meet this girl? How to move forward?

Any advice would be awesome!

BR

How about starting with a wink? Once that's done, she'll know that you're upfront about having seen her on Match. You could leave it a day or two between wink and favourites if she hasn't responded and another day or two between favourites and email.

..

I have no idea what this woman is like but here is my thought as an NT woman:

I would message her on FB and acknowledge that you saw her on match. "Hey, I saw you were on match.com also. Having any luck?" It doesn't have to be related to you wanting to go out with her-- but just a general question. That brings up the "relationship" topic and can move forward from there.

^^ good advice i reckon

Okay, I thought a lot about it, and willard (whose post is deleted?) made the point that I'm effectively standing on the landmine, since this girl will figure out sooner or later that I've checked out her profile. So it falls on me to be proactive.

I wound up sending her a note, explaining what happened, and how I wanted her to hear it from me, rather than find out for herself, and wonder if I'm some weirdo stalker. I went on to say how much I liked and respected her in school, since she was a great student and athlete. Finally, I said that since it seems we're both interested in meeting people, that maybe it might be worth a shot to meet each other. I concluded by saying that that she was a great person, and worth my risking rejection for the chance of perhaps a stronger connection between us.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm not expecting much though. She's an awesome girl, and probably out of my league. But I tried, at least. I just hope someday I can find someone...

BR

That was the polite answer? I'd hate to see what you're like when you're REALLY trying to be rude.

At least I'm trying goddammit.

Stalking women from high school isn't trying. And I'm speaking from experience. You'd be better off deleting her off your facebook list and cutting off all contact after getting that "I'm sure you're a nice guy, but I'm kind of busy" response. It will only get worse from there.

Since when is it stalking to be attracted to an old friend, and wanting to see if there's a mutual feeling?

I certainly know I'm not so damn immature or shallow as to delete a friend because she doesn't reciprocate.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by not taking your advice. I just found Willard was on the whole more logical, thought out and intelligent.

It doesn't affect me whether or not you take my advice. If you want your only date to be with your hand or your fleshlight, your choice.

Another way of interpreting therange's words:
Although you've attempted to be clear and forthright in intention, and attempted to put a good foot forward, with emphasis on respect, what ended up happening is that you got lost in translation. The things you are attempting to convey are getting interpreted as something wholly different, and unfortunately destructive to your desires. Although to your eyes, you've presented yourself as a solid guy, in a typical(or at least common) girl's point of view, you'd be coming off as a bit scary. Womens' responses and interpretations to such things vary, but in my experience they'd often tend toward "yikes" from that style of speech.

As for the idea of deleting the person from facebook etc, the intention there isn't to be emotional, and lash out in a revenge move, as you're interpreting it. Rather, the idea he's getting at(I think) would be to begin taking steps to remove this lady's heavy presence from your mind. Though there's a small chance otherwise, it is highly likely that you've come off with such a strong negative first impression(for the purposes of gaining her attraction or positive interest), that reconciliation and turn-around is just about impossible.

Although she did nothing wrong, and doesn't deserve spite, removing her and otherwise phasing her out of your life could serve to help you stop thinking about her and to move on. It is very, very, VERY typical for us awkward guys to cling onto a "Just Friends"girl, in vain hopes of eventually winning her over. But unfortunately, these girls(through no fault or intention of their own) tend to hold us back in a serious way, so it's better to cut them out like you'rea smoker who's trying to quit smoking.

I'm really hoping everyone is wrong. I put such thought and care into the note. I'm realizing just how truly awful and worthless I am at all this. Can't lie, can't tell the truth. Always wind up thought of as a stalker. I just want to connect with someone, and I have so much to give, if only someone would just give me the chance. Instead, every woman I've encountered seems to have wound up worse off by meeting me. I really am beginning to think I'm not worth anyone's love, and I'm not sure I can bear to live another sixty years alone. I try and try, and always the same. I really think I'm ready to remove myself from the equation completely.

If it makes ya feel better, I, and a bunch of others 'round here did, or do the same things. I've gotten the "lets just be friends" thing at least 6 times in my life. This was after having worked up my guts enough to say something to try and get something started. It sucks, and it hurts.

But it's not the end of the story. Some of us have also come to better understand how certain actions and words get interpreted, and shifted accordingly. You can too. I started realizing how I was 'doing it wrong' between 23-25. Don't feel discouraged - This is a good thing. Now that you know you're not coming off the way you're trying to come off, you can focus on how to be better understood. Once you get a bit more in-tune with the super-weird dynamics going on within first impressions, dating, and flirting, you wont find yourself lonely. Assuming you're a good person in general, that is.

I'd highly suggest reading many different threads in this sub-forum, as there are a lot of recurring themes going on, and they are nearly all very closely connected. Including your story.

OP, don't be so hard on yourself. They didn't teach this stuff in grade school. The only reason other men seem to "get it" automatically is because they have been exposed to a lot of women at a younger age and learned how to flirt and how to talk to women.

The good news is, this stuff can be learned. I spent my early twenties talking to women on the internet and other guys with more experience than myself, I didn't want to believe it either, but then I finally saw the mistakes I was making and managed to attract a really pretty woman my age last year who didn't care that I was inexperienced. We only knew each other a for a few months and only dated for one month, but it taught me more about the dating game and women and attractive women.

A couple years ago, in 07, before I met her, I was in a similar situation as yourself...talking to a female acquaintence from high school on facebook...sent her notes just like the one you sent her, only more detailed. I didn't understand why I scared her, and didn't think it was fair since I'm a well-intentioned guy, but once you "get it"...it's like riding a bike, you'll never forget it and it will be on less thing to worry about when looking for a date or a girlfriend.

My thought is this: some women may find that flattering, cute, sweet, and refreshing. Some may be caught off guard and unsure of how to react. I don't think the reaction was a bad one, but consider this: most women would rather a "relationship" start off casual. Casual conversation. Casual dates. Nothing over-the-top emotional or heartfelt. That comes with time.

Good luck-- I hope she reads it for what it was!

Michelle