NT (?) Falling Hard for One with Asperger's

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When I met the guy I am involved with, I found that I had an incredible amount in common with him, especially in terms of social awkwardness, personal oddities, and the like... The one thing that he had 'warned' me against was a history of relationships ending for him due to the girls of his past feeling that their 'emotional needs' were being left unmet. I have always considered myself to be fairly independent, and often push people away at emotionally vulnerable moments, and did not believe this to be of necessary concern for us.

Now, however, I am finding myself feeling very deep and intense feelings toward him, and I believe that I will want to share the foreseeable future with him. He self-admittedly has issues with commitment, and though he wants to have a long-term, serious relationship with someone, he worries that he might be incapable of it. Largely due to some periods of time where he will isolate himself from others, or will find himself incapable of participating in regular, day-to-day (i.e. mundane) conversation. This is a notion that I would usually find uncomfortable with a romantic partner, but with him I feel better able to understand it, not take it personally, and just be patient until things return to our 'usual' state of affairs.

My only concern at this point is the possibility that I might fall very much in love with him down the road, and a worry that he might not be able to reciprocate. That I will grow to want all of the things I would inevitably desire in said situation (such as living together), and that he will remain reluctant. Obviously no one here can tell me what he would or would not do/feel (neither can he, I realize), but I just want to ask for any advice, I guess. If anyone has had similar situations, or has likewise felt unable to offer emotional fulfillment to others, I would truly appreciate some advice on what I may/may not be able to expect.

(Any stories of happy marriages, and how they were made to work would be particularly reassuring )
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Im not sure, but i think this topic came up once before . . . check some of the older threads and you might find the info you're looking for (or someone in the same situation will respond to this, so you get the needed info either way). Good luck .

OP, I know there are some people on this site who are in loving, successful "mixed" (Aspie/NT) relationships, and I'm sure they'll add their voices to this thread. I haven't had a successful Aspie/NT relationship. I've been involved in one failed mixed relationship and one failed relationship that was likely mixed (I think my ex-fiance was Aspie, but I was engaged to him long before I'd even heard of Asperger's). I've also had several NT/NT relationships....just so you understand my perspective isn't based solely on my Aspie/NT experiences. I'd like to share what I've learned with you, in the hope that you can perhaps use that information to help your relationship succeed where mine did not.

What struck me about your situation is that your bf has admitted to having a string of failed relationships that seemed to have failed for mostly the same reasons: he's been emotionally unavailble to past partners; he isolates/separates himself physically and emotionally from his partners for periods of time; he won't commit. (Notice I said he won't commit, not that he can't commit - commitment is a decision that people make, or refuse to make - it's not an emotion, or something they're powerless to control.) I'm concerned about the pattern of behavior you're describing.

The behaviors you've described do have their roots in Asperger's...I think you could probably find them in quite a few different symptom lists. What concerns me is the pattern of behavior you're describing. Here's what I mean: I think it's completely understandable that your Aspie bf does not instinctively understand how to provide a partner with emotional support. That's part of being Aspie - a lack of empathy. However, your bf knows that he's failed a string of women in this respect (presumably at least a few of whom must have genuinely cared for him) - so why hasn't he taken the initiative to learn how to be more emotionally supportive? I'm not suggesting that he develop an instinct that he clearly is incapable of - I understand his brain is organically different than an NT's, and that affects instincts (among other things). I am suggesting however, that a commitment to communication, and a willingness to modify his own behavior could help him improve his ability to meet a partner's emotional needs. For example, "Honey, if I seem distant, it means that I'm enduring a lot of stress, and I won't be able to do x, y, and z - but I can do 1, 2, or 3." Or maybe even, "Honey, you can't depend on me knowing if you need a hug, or need me to listen, or need me to distract you....so please tell me exactly what you need."

So I'm seeing a huge red flag in his "warning" about his inability to meet his ex-gfs' emotional needs. A healthy response to a pattern of failure (and one that he's recognized the cause) would be to figure out how he needs to change his behavior in order to avoid the same failure with you. Let's face it: he's the only constant in this string of failed relationships. But he's not doing that. Instead, he's "warning" you about it, so at least when this relationship fails, he won't have to deal with the guilt.

Then you've got his commitment and isolation issues, some of which seem to stem from a perceived "inability" to cope with the day to day impacts of being in a relationship (which I'm going to translate into meeting the needs of your partner on an on-going basis). I'm not minimizing the impact of Asperger's on these behaviors: Aspies deal with stress differently than NTs; many Aspies need time alone in order to re-charge their own ability to cope in an NT world; many Aspies are physically and emotionally exhausted by activities NT's take for granted, like talking on the phone. These issues are real, and I don't question for a minute that they are challenging. However, I don't accept your bf's generally self-serving paradigm that they represent an insurmountable challenge to having a healthy Aspie/NT relationship. There are ways to deal more effectively with stress; there are ways to deal effectively with meeting his own needs for emotional and physical solitude. Of course, your bf needs to be willing to: accept that he can make changes in order to become a better partner; do the work required to learn about those changes and implement them.

I have to remind you, hon that whether it's an Aspie/NT relationship or any other type, relationships are hard work. And if a relationship is going to succeed, it takes a commitment from both partners to do the hard work together. You cannot do this by yourself. You're concerned - and rightly so - that you'll fall for this guy and all the things he warned you about are going to become your reality. Unfortunately, unless he commits to the idea that he can make changes, and that he must make changes...I think you'll experience what his former partners have experienced.

Having been down this road, I can tell you that being blunt, being a good communicator, being independent (emotionally, financially, etc.), being willing to compromise, etc. are all good NT qualities to bring to an Aspie/NT relationship. They're just not enough. I don't know if your bf experiences "processing delays" but that was one of the issues I found most challenging. (I'm referring to the lag time between a situation, and an Aspie's emotional response to that situation...that lag time could be days or even weeks.) I thought it seemed reasonable that I could ask my Aspie for permission to talk about a certain subject, and take his response at face value. I'd get an angry response several days or a week later from him because he'd had a processing delay, and realized he shouldn't have given his permission, and was quite angry with me for discussing the topic. I still don't know how to deal with that type of situation.

So I know you wanted to hear positive stories, and I think you probably will hear your share of those. But there's a huge difference between being an Aspie, and being an Aspie with coping skills (or being an Aspie who's willing to acquire coping skills). I had a lot in common with my last Aspie, and I genuinely liked him (he was actually the first guy I'd dated - Aspie or NT - that I felt a very real friendship with). I said at one time that if I'd made a list of qualities I like in a man, he pretty much had all of them. I don't want to violate his privacy by going into detail about what went wrong between us, but there were issues that needed commitment and hard work from both of us in order to resolve - and that effort wasn't there. I still believe that the problems we had were not insurmountable, if we'd worked together. But we didn't, and it ended badly between us. I think you need to be very realistic about what it will take to make your relationship work. I can't blame you if you ignore my advice...I know you already feel very strongly for your bf. But maybe what I've shared will help you succeed where I failed. I really do wish you good luck.

@Drake: I spent a while after posting this last night digging around through older posts, and found a few similar in scenario to mine. Thank you! Might spend another late night reading even further back, again


@HopeGrows : Thank you for sharing what experiences you could. I really appreciate any sort of counsel or advice with this scenario

The exact nature of previously experienced emotional unavailability is still unknown to me, in that I’m not sure which emotional needs were being left, unmet. Whenever I query on the subject, it seems the periods of physical and emotional isolation/separation are addressed more than anything else, leaving me to understand that that was the most likely contribution to those feelings of emotional incompatibility.

A wise notion on your part to clarify commitment as being a choice and not some innate ability… I have always recognized that with any relationship I have had in the past. What I am led to understand in this particular instance is that he wants to be able to commit, but is unsure as to whether or not he would be able to, provided his unpredictable periods of a need to separate himself from others.

We have always had a strong ability to communicate quite well together, and there has never seemed to be any reluctance on either of our parts to withhold any thoughts/feelings/information, etc. The type of communicative scenario you provided as example, “Honey, if I seem distant, it means that I'm enduring a lot of stress, and I won't be able to do x, y, and z - but I can do 1, 2, or 3,” is a familiar style of dialogue for us, and they occur fairly regularly  I do not believe it to be realistic or fair for me to expect him to change his behavior (i.e. expecting him to just participate in mundane conversation or go out and about when all he really needs to do is stay in his room for a spell), but yes, having a clear communication from him would help alleviate any doubts I might otherwise have.

And, while accepting the possibility of deception and ulterior motives (since so many people seem to have those), the truth of the matter is that I do believe and trust in him, so I can’t really accept the notion that his “warnings” are merely a preventative against what would otherwise be a future feeling of guilt on his part. But believe me, with anyone else, that would be my absolute concrete assessment of such a “warning.”

I suppose in regards to the requirement for time alone, and finding day to day conversation struggling to participate in, I hadn’t viewed it as a “self-serving paradigm.” Please do not think that in my adoration for him, I am merely providing him excuses, but I never felt like he was trying to suggest that these were ‘insurmountable odds’ that could challenge the possibility of a healthy relationship. I, myself have had many times in my life where I am more than content to stay home, not answer the phone, get lost in my own world, etc, and I suppose I had always viewed his situation as little more than an exaggerated version of the same thing. But I should definitely try to look at it differently, since I’m quite certain that the driving forces behind our needs/desires to be alone at times vary considerably from one-another’s.

To date, I have been unaware of any ‘processing delays’ in terms of emotional responses. I have to admit that it is somewhat unnerving to consider that being blunt, communicating, remaining emotionally independent and being willing to compromise are not enough to make the relationship work. Because I’m not sure if there’s anything left to be done outside of those things…? Seems like beyond both of us making those aforementioned efforts, the only contribution left to rely upon would be chance? I suppose that’s all there really is, though. Just crossing my fingers, if you will, and not holding my breath. lol

I certainly have no intention of ignoring your advice! You have given me a new, objective perspective to consider, which is something I always relish. It is difficult to pull one’s self away from a situation they are so emotionally immersed in. Absolutely, positive stories with happy results are most welcome (I am a girl, after all, and was raised on Disney ), but I’m looking for whatever perspective/advice I can find, really.

It would seem a bit redundant, perhaps, since I have already obviously made the decision to see this through to whatever end, considering that the benefits I already receive (and the potential for something even more amazing coming to be) is worth the risk of any heartbreak on my end. I know that only time will tell if a future would be possible with this individual, and I am constantly trying to stop myself from looking ahead (for what good does it do, unless you are a seer?). But I believe that having some advice, or just stories similar to my situation could be a better thing for me to focus on, and something to keep my grounded in the present. So thank you, again for taking the time and consideration to reply to me, and for providing me with that much-needed alternative perspective!

Hey Side_Kick....I wasn't trying to warn you off of this guy - just trying to give you a different perspective. Maybe it all comes down to one idea: He needs to learn how to take care of his needs - including all of his Aspie needs - without hurting you. That seems like a skill he doesn't have (again, just basing this on the history you've shared), so he has to be willing to learn that skill. That's what I meant when I said that all of the good traits you bring to the table aren't enough to ensure a happy relationship - he's got to step up, too.

Not to go all John Wayne on you, but you remind me very much of me. When I'm in a relationship, I tend to be "all in" - and that has consequences, both good and bad. Don't lose sight of the fact that all enduring relationships require compromise - from both partners. Everybody needs to do their share of the heavy lifting - no exception for Aspies. Obviously, that doesn't mean you should expect him to behave like he's NT....but he has to understand that the key to a successful relationship isn't finding the one woman on the planet who will completely accept and accommodate him. It's learning how to get his needs met in healthy, constructive ways that don't hurt the woman he's with. Simple concept - typically lots of work required to make it reality. I really do wish you the best, and I hope your relationship succeeds. Good luck.

I feel that I should mention here, as well, that despite the strong desire (and more proactive solution) to directly disclose these concerns of mine to said person of interest, I worry of frightening him off with my intense feelings for him. He has (wisely) suggested that we take our relationship slowly, which I am in accordance with, and I fear that my inability to control my feelings would spark a relative concern for him that I would not be capable of patiently allowing things to unfold at a more progressive pace... So I guess I have encountered the first instance where there is a reluctance to communicate openly.
My bad.

HopeGrows:

Thank you. You are right in your assessment of my tendency to throw all of my efforts into a relationship. I seldom find people who are worth said effort, so when I do, it ALL goes in. But I will heed your suggestion, and remind myself of the necessity for equal contribution. Might it even be advisable for me to minimize my output to match his? It could prevent me from landing in the inevitable position of feeling (again), like the only one doing all of the work...

And though I can't force him to work on things, and obviously he will not choose to unless this is of enough value to him, I imagine that simply stating when his behaviors, tendencies, (call them what you will) hurt me, would be the only real effort I could put forth in that aspect. (You see? You see how much I want to be the worker-bee?)

No, that just becomes a game of 'who can do the least'! I went through this with my ex; I got fed up with his lack of effort so minimised my own.. I still felt unhappy, but also stifled at the same time; I wanted a real relationship, not 50% of a real one.

Relationships shouldn't be about hiding your feelings or commitment, but rather finding someone who matches your own level. If your boyfriend isn't prepared to match this, the worst thing you can do is let him drag you down to his level.

Probably not the most significant thing to mention, but for clarity's sake, we're not "boyfriend and girlfriend."

@Lene: I can definitely imagine what you mean about minimizing one's own effort until the relationship is, as you said, 50% of a real one... Thank you for pointing out the err in my inaccurate notion of a 'good idea'

You're also right in that if he doesn't wind up being able to match my feelings and commitment that it obviously will not work out. I believe I am just getting ahead of myself emotionally (= less able to be controlled), especially in that we've both discussed and agreed to take the relationship slowly. Also, I have a history of deeply loving an individual for several years with no reciprocity, and I dread the possibility of that ever happening again.

Have to say it, you were right. Isn't it funny (though in a sad way) how when we want something to work out so badly, we nearly refuse the possibility that it won't? lol

I guess I had hoped I would be the exception... That my very strong feelings would be reciprocated, and that the efforts required on his part would be worth it to him. And the communication alone is not enough, again, you hit the nail on the head. The aforementioned willingness to modify behavior is definitely lacking.



Now this one, I definitely should have listened to. But again, didn't want to. It was a nicer idea to think that he was telling me about what has gone on wrong before, to demonstrate his awareness of it, in hopes that it wouldn't happen again with us. (Ahem. Oh, excuse me. That would have been my naivety acting up, again.)



I'm still not sure if it's a self-serving paradigm. And the challenge might not be insurmountable, but either he just isn't ready to meet said challenge at this time, or I'm not enough motivation. Either way, it's not going to happen.



And yet, I tried to do it alone. (LOL). And unfortunately, I did. (not-so-lol.)



He does demonstrate a strong desire to work on many of his coping skills, and he has been very successful in many other aspects in his life over the last couple of years. It's unfortunate (for me, I guess) that he hadn't reached a stage of coping with relationships yet, but I do hope for his sake that he can in the future, and find someone to be happy with. He is a very lovable individual, and I know he has a lot of love to give. He's just terrified of it.



Thank you again for your advice. I hope you understand why I couldn't fully implement it at the time. You know... hindsight and all. And well, I may have been wearing some rose-coloured shades, too. Without it, however, I would likely not have come to terms with the reality of the situation at this juncture. There have been many times that your words called into my mind throughout the last few weeks, and they have proven invaluable. So really, thank you again!

I'm sorry it didn't work out, honey. I know you wanted it to - I wanted it to work out for you, too. Hang in there (PM me if you'd like).

Aw, thanks! I have this tendency to emotionally shut down temporarily after such an event, so me-thinks I'll be alright. Also, I have gotten quite used to disappointment over the years