Should I Be Upset?

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My boyfriend of 4 months frequently brings up the names of his ex-girlfriends, as well as shares information about the way they acted in bed. I have so little experience of positive relationships with men, that I am not sure if I should be upset about this. I feel vague discomfort when he talks about them, but that is all. The only time it really bothered me, was when he actually showed me a picture of one of them. I have trouble being able to determine what emotion I am feeling at the moment I am feeling it, but I realize now that I am not happy with constantly hearing their names, and definitely had no desire to view a picture. I asked him why he was still carrying around a picture, and he stated that he never throws away pictures. He is into photography, but I think that is a poor excuse. I would appreciate lots of input!

Yeah, this is completely not appropriate. Sorry, hun, but he doesn't sound like he has YOUR best interests at heart.

I am guilty of this. Because of my obsessive thinking I was always talking about my ex's because I couldn't get them out of my head.

Have you ever tried telling your partner this bothers you?

None of mine told me they were bothered hearing about my ex's so I assumed they were okay with it.

Didn't you say at one time he has Asperger's? Maybe he doesn't realize how it makes you feel. I think it's only natural not to want to hear about it. It's almost like he's too comfortable with you and treating you like an old friend. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not doing this purposefully to make you feel weird. If the old friend comment doesn't make sense I'll try again.

Typically considered bad form, insensitive and self-involved. But he may actually not understand that it's off-putting. Everytime he does that, bring up an ex of your own - just chime in with whatever he's saying and one-up him "Really? Yeah, ________ used to _________" . For most people that would be enough of a hint. But then, someone who does this...



sounds pretty thick.

Generally considered loutish, crude and emotionally brain dead. Unless of course you asked. Different people have different interests.

I wouldn't be concerned about the photo thing in and of itself. It's just an historical artifact. If he starts building a shrine to the ex, or taking it out to look at during sex - then I'd take offense.

Willard wrote:
"I wouldn't be concerned about the photo thing in and of itself. It's just an historical artifact. If he starts building a shrine to the ex, or taking it out to look at during sex - then I'd take offense."


That reminds me, I once knew someone who admitted to reading romance novels while her husband made love to her. They weren't real happy.

You might have a point there. There were times when he would be telling me something, and I would think that maybe I could indirectly find out something about how he behaved in past relationships. Also, I know that we Aspies perseverate, about many things. And, I am a slow processor of new input. I just didn't realized it was bothering me, until he showed me the picture, and I wondered why he still had it. Then, I realized that while I was getting sick of hearing this woman's name, even worse, I now had a face to put to it!

I tried that. The trouble is, in the first place, he doesn't take a hint. In the second place, I hate my ex and don't like talking about him.

No, I hadn't asked. And, from the thing that he shared, I almost feel that it is resentment or hurt about the ex. It is not very admirable, when he makes fun of the sounds she made while having sex. I did tell him that it makes me feel inhibited, since he might well make fun of me with someone else, if we break up!


God, I hope he doesn't do that! But seriously, I can relate to the idea about it being a historical artifact. And, he is very keen on photography, so it might also be a piece of work that he is rather proud of.

I am guilty of having done this. I had absolutely *no* intention of hurting my guy, or anything like that. In retrospect, knowing now how it affected him, I wish I had kept my mouth shut, but it was something thoughtless said in a moment. Your bf should know better, but it's possible he doesn't, so tell him how you feel when he does that. If he keeps doing it, then you *should* be upset.

Am I the only one who doesn't mind if a woman talks about her ex's as long as she isn't trying to mold me into them? I enjoy hearing a woman's dating and sexual history.

I guess it depends on how secure one feels.
I didn't mind hearing bout my last gf's ex's.... But that was extenuating circumstances - they were women.

Why do you enjoy it? I would be interested to know. Because at first, I didn't think that I minded, but as I said, I tend to process emotions slowly. In the past, this has led to blow ups and horrible arguments, because resentment was building up in me, and I didn't realize it until too late.

So, therange, I am curious to know what you gain from hearing about your partner's past. Maybe I am missing something here?

Well...it sounds like he's got some boundary issues, and some maturity issues, and some respect issues....I would find that troubling if I were you.

The reality is that he found his ex good enough to sleep with while they were together....it seems like the least he owes her now is the amount of respect it would take to keep his mouth shut about the experience. So....I'd set some boundaries if I were you. I'd tell him you don't want to hear about his ex-gf's from this point forward, because you feel like it's not fair to them, it's not fair to you, and since he really shouldn't be getting any kind of benefit from talking about them (should he?) - he shouldn't have a problem honoring your request. If he won't keep his yap shut about them after that - then you'll know there's a bigger issue there.

Guys get very pissed when girls talk about their exes. Same thing applies to girls.

Yeah i've been a victim of this too.

Its really tactless and damages self esteem when partners bring up their exes and what they were like in bed etc. Why cant people have some damn tact?

Dump his arse or tell him you don't want to hear about his stupid girlfriends.

I don't want to dump him over this, since he has been so much better in other areas, like rushing to take me to the doctor when I had an emergency, making me a homemade Valentine's day card, taking me out for my birthday, holding me when I cried, etc. It is just this problem that is making me doubt my reality, because I don't understand how someone so thoughtful in other ways, can be so blind in this.