Telling Someone You're Dating That They're Being an Aspie

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I have a "friend" who is a "diagnosed" Aspie who has never read any books on Asperger's, gone to any support groups, or had any treatment or therapy.

So here is the problem: he has all of the defensiveness, blaming, communication problems, fixation on other women as an interest, etc. etc. (We go in and out of dating each other.)

He's difficult in a relationship because he is fantastic socially as a friend, but has no idea how difficult he is in a romantic relationship.

I really don't think I can tell him that he should consider how being spectrum affects his romantic relationships without it being destructive. Can I ever tell him?

Without some self-awareness, I'm pretty sure he's going to go from being with me, to being with someone else--who gets fed up--to being with me because I accept him--to being with someone else--who dumps him again. Rinse and repeat for the next fifteen years or so....

I just think it's disrespectful to tell people their issues. Can I tell him? Should I?

How do people finally get knowledge or self-awareness of how they affect people in romantic relationships? He got diagnosed a year ago.

What role do you want to play? If you want to be the mom, then tell him and shepherd his behavior. If you don't, then have a therapist do so. He can't have been diagnosed without being evaluated by a therapist and if he's just decided that he's going to move forward without dealing with any issues then he would be wrong. I mean, obviously there was enough of a problem that he needed to be checked out in the first place, right? At least, I haven't heard of the local shopping malls around here hosting "Take the Aspie Quiz" events

he has all of the defensiveness, blaming, communication problems, fixation on other women as an interest, etc. etc.
Hey, this is NOT all of us, okay? We're all very different. Here's a quick example before you write this off as my "defensiveness": gay aspies. Not fixated on women too often, are they? The other pigeonholing here is equally inaccurate. Some of us accept responsibility. Some of us are more defense-less than defensive. We can also exhibit no communication problems under the right circumstances (public speaking for some of us. Talking about special interests for others of us and the reverse situation for still others of us).

He's difficult in a relationship because he is fantastic socially as a friend, but has no idea how difficult he is in a romantic relationship.
Whaaaaat? Give me a break. He is difficult because he is good at being a friend? Or he is difficult because he has no idea how difficult he is? Either way: That's patently ridiculous. Aspies can be good friends AND good lovers. Or do you not mean to use the word "because" here?

Without some self-awareness, I'm pretty sure he's going to go from being with me, to being with someone else--who gets fed up--to being with me because I accept him--to being with someone else--who dumps him again. Rinse and repeat for the next fifteen years or so....
You may want to try the third option of not being an enabler. For his sake as much as your own.

In answer to your questions: regardless of your gender and orientation, an Aspie can be fixated on relationships, period. Not all of you are--but wow, some of the gay aspies I know...don't get me started...

Anyway, he's difficult because he doesn't know he's difficult. His father is a coach, and his mother is a Special Ed teacher who got the certification because of him--and they did a phenomenal job of socializing him in interactions that they knew about, like friendship.

Although he has the diagnosis, he didn't get it to help him with relationships--it was more about functioning and his comorbid self-mutilation and OCD.

He has no idea how hurtful he is to the women that he dates. He has dated over 20 people, and he just says, "I haven't found the right person." I think that happens because if you try to say anything like, "I know you're uncomfortable, but what you just criticized me might be normal behaviour", then he threatens to leave, and decides "that you're just not right for him."

I'm exempt because he put me into the FWB head space years ago--although he treats me like I'm his polyamorous wife.

I think I've decided not to mother him. (I doubt that he would listen to me anyway.) I'm more wondering what it will take for him to figure it out. Many of the Aspies I've encountered DON'T mistreat their romantic partners, can commit, and are much more aware of their effect on others.

I'm more wondering how they got that way. How did you realize the effect you were having on NT's?

why not move on? Stuff like this takes time, it doesn't sound like you will be able to do this yourself.

You can't really compare one person on the spectrum with another absolutely. Difficultly reading people doesn't necessarily mean you are going to treat them badly.

Now that is certainly true!!



Ah! I think I see now. So let me try to paraphrase: He's difficult because he doesn't know he's being difficult but if he did know then it is likely (from what you know of him) that he would stop being difficult in the ways that were pointed out to him? And you don't want to take the role of the person doing the pointing out, right? I can understand that if I'm understanding what you're saying correctly there.


Oh, jeez. Co-morbids are no fun. But if he acknowledged the need for the therapy visit due to the other issues, maybe it would be possible to convince him to read the Atwood or Grandin book(s) about AS. That could lead into a discussion about the concerns where you are more on an equal level rather than a superior/inferior exchange?


Hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... are you sure you want to be part of this, then? I'm not trying to talk you out of anything here, but you seem like you care about him and you come across as rational so it makes me wonder if you've assessed what you're getting out of this. You don't need to post that here on an internet forum, of course (and I'd rather not get into that). It just seems you must have gone through this thought process. You don't seem "Farah Fawcett on Letterman" crazy (<-- just a joke there)


That's nice of you to say, thank you! I hope that's true. If so, I think this might have something to do with an overall earlier diagnosis of AS and a focus on self-improvement or social skill scripting? But I'm just speculating. I'm glad you're not going to cross the mom line. That's not something that would be healthy or helpful in this situation.


Let's see, for me it took somewhere around fifty failed relationships (95% of them leaving me rather than the other way around) AND the realization that there was something called AS that precisely explained (among other things) why I could never "get it" in spite of my absolute best efforts at trying (and I consider myself a reasonably smart dude). I currently have what is known as a 'peer diagnosis' from a person who works with AS children (someday I will see a professional for a full evaluation when I am sure there will be no negative consequences (job/legal/insurance) for doing so). This rather stunning diagnosis led to my being more open and receptive to outside criticism of my behavior which I was previously writing off as "they are jealous" or "they are angry" or "they don't really know me". When I stepped back and noticed that a large number of people were telling me the SAME things, it added up to something that I couldn't just explain away. This started a focus on self-improvement. I am on this site in particular to work on the tone of my written word and to try to help others when I see them asking the same questions or jumping over the same hurdles I went through. I have had a pretty decent success rate in helping and for some reason being a genuine help makes me crazy happy and has kept me going with it. I guess I've had a lot of experience with the things that blow NT/AS relationships apart.

And yes, I know some people are going to wonder how someone with AS can have fifty failed relationships if AS manifests as a social deficit. It's easy. In my younger years I was very attractive and landed a lot of fish. These fish tended to swim away quickly and I could NEVER figure out why. Neither could most of them! Now I know why. . . "And knowing is half the battle".

Great, just great.

That sounds about right. It's actually what my mother said.

(I'm going to go hide all my books on Asperger's now.)

Seriously, though....

well, maybe that's what it takes.

verbal communication is a must... however you put it to him-- it doesn't need to be motherly. but you should at least tell him you don't wanna be the FWB... cause it doesn't sound like you do. and if that's true, you need to be prepared not to be that person, however it turns out.

i've heard the whole "i'm walking on eggshells" bit... more times than i'd like to think about (especially cause i didn't know about AS at the time and sometimes think I could have done things differently)... but at least for me... my logic seems to miss the point that i ever do anything socially/emotionally inappropriate... and so it just never gets put into the equation. i always consider my intentions good, especially cause i highly value intentions in other people and trust that they are good...

but that is why i need to hear things. flat out. i'm not good at seeing the errs of my ways.

so i would consider that as a tactic, seriously. but for you, i worry that he may not feel the same way as you do. perhaps he very well could... but it seems it would be very hard to come by if you don't ever speak your mind.

gl

This is the thing, if you're an NT, and someone says, "You need therapy." it's considered abusive.

I'm not even sure how much counseling would help him. He doesn't like it, and the only Asperger's educated therapist we know thinks NTs shouldn't be with Aspies. (!)

Is there a book you would give him? I think, if he knew, then he would change the blaming and defensiveness pretty fast.

(The relationship apathy, I'm not so sure about.)

I don't have much attached to whether or not we end up together--he's treated me badly enough that he would have to change and want to treat me better. My only hope of that is if he realizes that a lot of what has happened between us, and what happens with other people is because he is difficult without meaning to be.

as you are not in a relationship with him, any advice needs to come from a neutral standpoint.

This is the reason I have been pushing the fact that he already saw a therapist. I was thinking you would go here. He's already been, the "seal" is already broken, he can go again without it being a bad suggestion if it is handled correctly.


Careful, this is mom territory. As a friend, you shouldn't be making a call about whether counseling will help at this early stage. Also, the therapist's opinions on NT/AS relationships (even if true) should be irrelevant to you if your main goal is truly to help him. I'm thinking now that this may not be your goal.


I mentioned two books above. Attwood and Grandin. I think you're not reading me carefully, so I'm going to keep this post shorter.


WHY? Why on Earth are you putting yourself through something like this?!

There's something ringing a tiny bit "off" with your motivations here. Either we're not getting a whole story or there is some kind of dysfunction.

Attwood and Grandin, with all due respect, don't really apply to him--he's very high functioning. If I tell him about that, he, and rightly points out--that he's not like that.

Is there something specifically on romantic relationships that would help him?

In fact, he won't go BACK to a therapist because of that. Romantic relationships are the only things that really mess him up, and he's particularly afraid of upsetting the applecart.

We live down the street from each other, and we have the same extended group of friends. I couldn't avoid him if I wanted to. That may be particularly dysfunctional.

He also calls me once a week, so I'm not sure what the relationship is.

Just tell him so the problems in your relationship can be fixed, else it'll keep going badly and you'll both get upset over it.