Setting yourself up for a fall

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I often wonder if I just set myself up for a fall. My cousin is getting married and sent an invite to my parents to fill in to say who was attending. My mum sent back the rsvp saying her, my dad, my sis, her fiance and me will attend. My Mum just assumed no one would go with me. My cousin doesn't know me very well, so thought she was being kind to email me and check whether I am bringing someone. I wish she had just left it as it was. I invited a guy. He didn't bother his ass to text me back and say either yes or no. Now I feel worse than I did before.

Not only do I have no one, I have now been rejected. My friend says that should teach me a lesson. She doesn't know why I keep trying when I only ever get hurt. But I don't want to be alone, so I keep trying. She watches me each time setting myself up for a fall, but I don't want to look back over the years and feel like I didn't at least make an effort to change my circumstances. It's a catch 22 situation. I don't think that I am ugly. I'm not fat, I'm skint, I can't afford to eat much, so if anything I'm a little bit too skinny, but still somehow have curves. Genetics are good for something. They gave me no social skills, but at least I'm curvy. So am I just such a horrible person that no one wants to be around me. But people say I am nice, my family all can't understand why I'm alone because they say I'm such a nice person. There is something missing about me, but I don't know what it is and until I figure out what it is and change it I will always be setting myself up for a fall. </rant>

I agree it was a really awful thing for the friend to say, but I think the reason for it is maybe more deep rooted. I think she's taking her own issues out on you. She may be hiding a deeper insecurity and needs to make sure she's the "alpha" by putting you down. I had a friend like that. Also I agree the guy may not have gotten back with you for any number of reasons. Do you have a male friend that you both know are really just friends so the pressure is off that you could invite?

What your "friend" said was really not nice. I agree, she may have been jealous and have her own issues but still, what she said was really not nice.

As regards guys, you probably just need to get more confidence, true confidence can make a nice person really shine (metaphorically). From what you've said, you've got a nice personality and a nice figure, it would seem to me that all you may need is a self-esteem boost.

My friend is one of those people who has a good heart, but not a good way with words. I feel like I have mis-represented her to some degree now. Sometimes I don't think she realises that she is being hurtful. She's trying to tell it to me straight so I don't get hurt. Yes, she has issues, her husband died only after a few years of marriage. He was only in his early 30s. Also, she is going through a phase where she is in her 40s and so are most of the friends she grew up with and their marriages are falling apart all around her. I think the poor thing has become disillusioned. She's only trying to protect me from more pain, but doesn't realise I have to live my own life and make my own mistakes and maybe if I'm lucky, find some happiness.

Anyway, I asked him yesterday because I have been feeling alot more positive, my therapist told me on Tuesday that I have made excellent progress and don't need to go back. I saw my male friend at the weekend and I felt happy and felt it was easy to talk to him and everything was going well, so I finally plucked up the courage to do something about it.

I do believe in myself. But there is this something that I can't put my finger on that is unattractive about me or unappealing. If I only knew what it was I would fix it. Sometimes I wonder if I seem too nice or asexual (which I'm not) and guys just assume that I'm not interested.

I see what you mean about your friend. Sometimes people say things to other people they are really saying to themselves, only they don't realize it.

I would suggest to ask a trusted males opinion (if you feel there is something that you have some kind of problem with). If you ask a guy, they may find it odd but you'll get answers.

Also, studying body language may help. Mirroring (copying) another persons body language shows interest. Crossed arms can mean (to other people) anxiety or aggression but can also mean a lack of sexual interest depending on context. Leaning forward when talking and having your hands at your sides or in your lap can indicate interest.

Hope this little bit helps, body language is complex but for many it can be up to 95% of the conversation. It's a usefull skill to cultivate too.

Oh, and about your friend, you didn't portray her badly, you just said what she said. What she said wasn't nice but that doesn't mean she's not nice.

OP - As to your friend's comment:

"My friend says that should teach me a lesson. She doesn't know why I keep trying when I only ever get hurt."

What the shizzle? You keep trying for the same reason the rest of us keep trying: to make than intimate connection with another person. Try to keep in mind that every relationship fails, right up until the one that doesn't. So that means we all fail - right up until we don't.

I very much agree with LostAlien's advice to ask a trusted male friend's opinion. Perhaps you don't realize when someone is indicating interest in a non-verbal way? Or perhaps your own body language is inconsistent with indicating the interest you feel. Perhaps it's just a question of limited exposure? Are there activities you might be interested in, or a class you might like to take, or an organization you might want to join (everybody loves a volunteer) that could provide opportunities to meet a larger number of men? Just a few ideas, but please don't be discouraged - you really do seem like a lovely person.

Thanks for the positive input. But I think the truth is I am actually kind of scared of guys. Mind you it doesn't help that this friend of mine keeps telling me about the emotional abuse men dish out and how all her friend's marriages are failling. It scares me. Older women keep telling me I'm better off on my own and men only bring you trouble. So no wonder I'm scared.

So, I've really only been sticking to guys I meet through friends or friends of friends. People that sort of have references. That's why I like this guy. His friends keep telling me how nice he is and how thoughtful he is and how helpful he is. But I get a little bit of positivity from him and I trust him, and I went out on a limb and actually asked him somewhere and I get nothing. Why isn't he nice to me? I thought I would handle this better than I am. I'm really upset.

Oh hon, I know you're upset. Rejection, perceived or real, stings like a biotch.

As to the comments your friend makes, you have to understand that she is expressing her perspective - which is not necessarily the way the world is. Marriages fail for all kinds of reasons....the biggest issue I see is a lack of commitment. People seem to think that a wedding is like a finish line - they've gotten through the hard part of finding someone to marry, and that the actual marriage should be a breeze. The reality is that the effort is really just beginning - it takes a lot of work to keep a relationship healthy and thriving and interesting and intimate. The overwhelming majority of people who enter into marriage don't seem to understand that. They think love or steady sex or security or whatever is going to be enough. And that's just not true. But there are so many reasons that marriage fails, we could talk about that forever. Let's talk about this guy.

I think Lene raised some good points about making assumptions about his lack of response - there could be any number of reasons that he didn't respond, including not getting the text and/or knowing it was from you. But let's assume for the moment that he got your text, and didn't respond. If that is what happened, his lack of response is not about you - it's about him. If he wasn't interested, it would have been easy enough to send you a text thanking you for thinking of him, and telling you he already had plans for the date. So maybe he doesn't have the social skills required to manage that? (His lack of social skills is about him, right?) Or maybe the friend who "recommended" him has only limited experience with him? (The true level of his "niceness" isn't about you either - is it?) Maybe he freaked out because you invited him to a wedding (guys can be weird that way).

Look, you and I don't know why this guy didn't respond. Whenever you reach out to someone, it takes an incredible amount of vulnerability (that "going out on a limb" feeling). How are you supposed to handle it "better" when you receive no feedback? A flat-out rejection is easier to process emotionally than a lack of response. A lack of response can stir up all of the feelings a rejection does, and then some....you have to go down that, "I'm not even worth a response," road, and that sucks. So, please don't be so hard on yourself. Don't internalize this guy's bad behavior (assuming his lack of response is intentional). He should have responded; you're worth a response; you didn't do anything terrible by asking him to go with you. It would have required very little effort for him to handle this better, and treat you nicely - that he didn't do that is all about him. So it's okay to be upset - you've had an upsetting experience. But then let it go, and keep in mind that you've learned a lesson about this man's character - not about all men, okay? He wasn't worth your interest, and now you know that. It's a tough lesson, but his behavior cannot be generalized to all men. There are plenty of decent guys out there, but it does take work to find the one that's right for you. Try to keep looking forward.

musicboxforever, I have an idea of where you're coming from. Your friend seems to a negative viewpoint on men at the moment and you seem to be absorbing this a little (which could easily cause some fear). Your friend seems to mean well but you've got to keep in mind that this is your friends viewpoint.

About friend of friend 'references', they are not always accurate (as HopeGrows said). Also, about marriage (as HopeGrows said) and relationships in general, they require a lot of work and some people really seem to believe marriage is a happily ever after thing. So marriages start to break down because people stop trying in some cases.

As regards you feeling a bit scared of guys, perhaps going to speed dating (with no intent to get a date) to help you become more comfortable around guys. I won't lie, there are guys out there who are not so nice but there are also nice guys out there and they are worth looking for. Also, the more comfortable you are, the better able you'll be to assert yourself.

And one last thing, you should be very proud of yourself for doing something that scared you. That took courage.

musicboxforever, maybe I'm being brash in stating this, but... why invite a guy you're not dating to a wedding? Just seems a bit weird to me.

Also, stop listening to women who make bad choices about who they get involved with. As long as you know enough not to take abuse from someone, you should be able to figure it out with time and experience.

(edit) I see HopeGrows already covered some of this and for the most part, I agree with her.

Maybe if you're interested in a guy you should invite him to do something small like joining you for a coffee before inviting him to a dance. Beyond that, you aren't doing anything wrong.

To answer why i asked him to a wedding when we aren't dating. Our friend told me that he is a good person to take as a plus 1 if i don't have any1 to take. He went to a wedding with 1 of our friends and they weren't dating. That's why this hurts so much. If went with her, why not me. Also when my sis asked her boyfriend out, she invited him to a wedding. And then they strated dating.

Now i'm not sure how to behave when i see him again. Do i say, did you get my text and ask why he ignored me- no way i'm doing that i'm too shy. I can see myself just avoiding him. Doesn't seem the grown up thing so do, but i feel so ashamed now, i don't think i'll be able to look him in the eye.