So....I want to write a book...

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Hello. My name is Michael. I'm an NT (with diagnosed ADHD and medicated) and I am new here. I came here after my girlfriend (with diagnosed AS) suggested I come here because significant others of people with ASDs and AS often do. I decided to start things off by asking about an idea I have. I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months now. Over those 7 months we have grown really close and she has even moved in with me. We click really well and have overcome problems that I have learned plague NT+AS/ASD couples. I have also learned various things in dating my girlfriend that I would like to share with the AS/ASD community. Ways to communicate about certain topics, overcoming problems, typical problems, qualities to look for in an NT, and other various topics.

The book I would like to write includes these topics and is broken up into two parts. The overall theme of the book is a guide to dating for people with ASD's (more specifically AS) and their NT partner. The two parts are as follows. The first part would be a guide for an NT dating someone with AS. The second part would be for someone with AS dating someone who is an NT. I want the book to have a positive tone but I want to be realistic.

I would like some feedback on what should be included. I hear a lot from people with AS and ASD's that they wish people came with a manual. Well what I want to try to do, in a way, is make that manual. At least when it comes to dating (for an NT+ASD/AS couple). A set of basic guidelines that can be helpful for NT's dating someone with AS and vice-versa. The two parts would be written to address their specific audience. Part 1 would be things that would benefit the NT person and part 2 is for the person with AS/ASD.

Any ideas on what to include would be great. I want feedback. I want to hear your experiences.

Things that I am currently including are: ways to communicate about various topics and in general, overcoming problems, typical problems, qualities to look for in an NT, examples of social situations when dating, sexuality, dating do's and don'ts, asking someone on a date, how to deal with an NT asking you on a date (how to tell if an NT is asking you on a date), NT behavior that can clash with an ASD/AS partner, AS/ASD behavior that can clash with an NT, communicating with an NT, communicating with someone that has ASD/AS, problems that can arise, suggestions to solve problems that arise and other various topics, when to call it quits, and various other topics.

Have a search through the forums; I think most of your questions have been covered to some extent already.

I figured that already and have been doing so. But as time goes on different problems arise and sometimes people don't always mention issues on the forums (such as problems they already solved). I also want general feedback on the idea.

Some Aspies have trouble with touch (i.e. sensory things, like skin texture, being hugged too tight, etc.)

As far as the communication aspect goes, there is the need to be direct, since some of us have trouble deciphering certain facial expressions or gestures, or hidden meanings.

And some are asexual, meaning no interest in physical intimacy. Also, some need a lot of time to themselves. Many of us tend to be in our own little worlds at times. Of course, this will vary by individual. For example, my sex drive is high, I don't have any of the touch issues, I have no problems with alone time (I can take it or leave it most of the time), but I have occasional issues with the social cues.

As Lene said, many issues have been covered here, but I wanted to save you the time and energy of sifting through this folder.

Sounds like a great idea - if you did a good job with it I would certainly buy it. As far as dating etc goes, I do find it difficult to distinguish between what is a date and what isn't, and also when I figure out that I'm on a "date" I tend to feel extremely uncomfortable and just want to get "off" the date as quickly as possible. Basically, I hate, loathe and detest being on dates (which doesn't exactly help me in the romance department).

To me a date is like a series of expectations, a road map if you will, that are are expected - nay, forced to comply with. It's like this predetermined track that you're supposed to follow - with this other person you don't even know yet! I hate dating, and don't feel comfortable with dating because you are thrown together with someone you barely know, and then are expected to spend a romantic one on one evening with that person, where the man is supposed to pay for the woman, they go to dinner/drinks (you're expected to drink an alcoholic beverage if you go out on the town), and if you "click" at all you're expected to kiss (or possibly even more!) that person (whom you still barely know!) at the end of the night. If you don't "click", then you're stuck in this horrible awkward situation when you have to back out as politely as you can.

Basically going on a date = a lose/lose situation for me. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and there are all these expectations I'm expected to meet and rules I'm supposed to follow (even if I don't want to have a drink, or don't want to have the other person paying for me).

Scenario 1: If I happen to "click" with that person, no matter how strongly I "click" with them I am NEVER comfortable kissing a person on the first outing we have together, when I have hardly even spent any time with them (no matter how 'deep' our conversation goes). If I go along with it and let them kiss me, I feel horrible and resent them for it - a.k.a. lose all and any interest. If I try and somehow manage to back out of the 'kissing' part, then they assume I'm not interested and then the second part of Scenario 2 occurs.

Scenario 2: I don't "click" with that person (which happens in 95% of cases), and I spend an awkward and miserable evening trying to detatch myself and not lead them on without appearing rude or impolite (something, as an aspie, I SUCK at) - basically they always end up thinking I'm interested in them because I'm friendly to them (I don't know any other way of being polite and not rude - I don't know how to be "friend" friendly as opposed to "I'm interested in you" friendly - and I think many guys deliberately turn a blind eye because they *want* me to be interested in them too).

I can never just spend an enjoyable evening making a new friend, because of the whole host of expectations the other person has that they won't relinquish. I even once tried TELLING THE GUY DIRECTLY that I was just interested in making friends, and how I hated it if guys tried for more, and we could spend an evening "hanging out" (as friends obviously, I reiterated the point strongly enough), and GODDAMN if he didn't first insist I crash at his (because mine was hard to get to at that day of the week and out), so I told him - no kissing, and THEN at the end of the night he made a move on me anyway. And after I refused his advances, the rest of the night and that morning he had the nerve to act all grumpy at me as though I had raised his expectations and then unexpectedly turned him down.

Basically, dates suck, and I constantly get asked/end up on them despite hating them.

Good luck. It's a hard book to write and I hope you do well.

A big thing, as I see it, when a person with Aspergers syndome says something when calm, they really usually mean just that.

Perhaps just ask questions about what information you need as you need it.

Is one book covering both angles a good idea? You're effectively asking someone to buy a book, 50% of which is near useless to them. How about two shorter books, if possible?

Hey OP - I hope your efforts are successful. Check out the following thread:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf121205-0-180.html

I think @Morgana is kinda headed down a similar path, and has some good ideas. Maybe you two should chat?

Even if you aren't in a relationship both parts are good information for when you start one. If you are AS and start dating an NT it would be a good book to have around and vice versa. That way if you are having problems (no matter if you are NT or ASD/AS) you can hand it to them or even suggest some of the things in the book from the NT/AS/ASD sections. Why buy 2 books when you could get both sets of information for the price of one? Think of it like buying a book on....let's say astrology and only getting a section on Aries...for the other sections you have to buy a book for every star sign. While that book would be useful to you it might not be useful if let's say you let someone else read it. Having both sections in the book means that no matter who is buying it (An NT or AS/ASD) they will get useful information. If/when they get into a relationship and possibly run across the problems listed in the book they will have the information to help.

I'm not looking to make much if any money off of the book. I would be happy if I could just get the costs covered. After that it is all frosting on the cake and it would tell me I did a good job.

I don't think 50% is near useless. If both parties read the whole book, then if a situation arises, you can say something to the effect of "remember what it said to you on page 80, well that's what is happening here."

Also, it's invariable that a book that generalizes about AS/NTs is going to get little details wrong when applied to particular individuals. If the book is one book for both parties, an AS person could bring it to their NT partner and say "see this part here, this doesn't apply to me personally."

What I want to know is if the rules of the road, as it were, change dramatically depending on who's who (male AS/female NT, female AS/male NT) or for homosexual situations. For instance, I've read a few posts on here with a female AS/male NT, where she says that laying ground rules involving no expectations of "mind-reading" has actually been a huge relief for him. Because I think a LOT of men hate it when women expect this from them, AS or NT. So that gap is narrowed. On the other hand, an NT woman with an AS man can have an even wider gap there, because an AS man will often have an even harder time mind-reading than an NT man, and if she expects/wants/needs this, she's in trouble.

I don't know what the unique issues would be in homosexual AS/NT relationships, but I'm sure there are some...

OwlsInTheNight if you want to be realistic you'd have to realise every relationship is different. You can't just go on your relationship.

Very true. But there are common problems that I have read about on the forums here and elsewhere. That is what I plan on putting in the book. In the book I'm going to list the ways we solved our problems, yes. But I am also going to say point blank that my solutions may not work for everyone. Therefore the problems I list are ones that are common and ones that either we found a solution for or worked through. Now we haven't come across all the problems that NT+AS/ASD couples have but that is what research is for. Finding out what has worked for others. I don't plan on just having one solution per problem. I plan on giving several suggestions and if those don't work...think of your own! Build on what is written and make it fit your needs.

I don't have all the answers and never claimed I did. However I do want to give suggestions.

I'm ASD and never had anyone of the opposite sex show interest in me; let alone been on a date. But then of course there was the whole "All the guys hate me" thing going on.