The notion of being 'swept off your feet'?

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How do you all feel about this one? For me my thoughts on it are very push-pull, part of me would love it, part of me would have a deathly fear of it. Right now, in my own current stage of life development, things are catching fire - in a good way. I'm still looking very healthy and likely about six or seven years younger than I am, I'm starting to move and vibe up like I can handle myself - socially and physically - I attribute that to a combination of things I've been doing, ie. internally grappling with and largely winning the battles with certain AS-based insecurities, also certain physical activities I've taken a great amount of involvement in for the last few years are really starting to pay off.

However, I do see where my past awkwardness and the walls people would put up, while they seemed like a dark and gruesome cloud over my life, had a certain silver lining in that they kept me out of 'real' trouble - ie. the ways that a lot of people without our restrictions are able to go right off the edge just by turning right instead of left at the wrong moment.

In my past I'd never had luck, ever, with both being attracted to someone chemically and on the personality level, seemed like it was mostly either or and if both happened simultaneously - me and the girl involved even if we liked eachother would just mutually strike out; she'd try to talk to me when I wasn't ready, I'd try to talk to her when she wasn't ready, things wouldn't meet for whatever reason. Now, I have a feeling that quite soon that won't be the case. As much as that seems to be a good thing, I still feel like I have a lot of primacy issues to contend with, I wouldn't say emotional immaturity or lack of self-sufficiency (doing rather well in those areas on most fronts and at worst mediocre in the areas that can only improve with raw experience). Fear of the unknown though? Definitely.

When I think about say getting swept off my feet, and never having been in a long term relationship (it may have been anxiety/reservation more than anything - I was never a shambling wreck), on one side I really love the idea of having a burst of energy brought into my life that I've been lacking. On that level its like being a plant that has stayed alive in rather arid soil, even being a struggle that plant optimizes it processes and does its best to survive on something of a starvation of water. What I've ultimately wanted the most in a relationship has been that energy that, sort of spiritually/emotionally, is a lot like that plant in arid soil all of a sudden seeing a change in climate and being able to potentially grow by leaps and bounds. To both have that from someone else and be the same for them would be unreal.

What freaks me out a little, I think of it by this analogy - my parents were likely the closest thing, for many years, to having truly benevolent relationships with other people. I lucked out with them greatly. My friends, something largely similar came along with them in mid to late highschool. I have yet to have that feeling with women aside from as friends. That's more of just, again, trepidation over changing foundations - nothing I'd ever fear enough to side step things, might feel the need to brace myself or keep things fed somewhat slowly, but that's it. The other thing is this what I mentioned earlier, I get the impression that truly being in love, truly opening myself up to someone, is really one of the last gates into full adulthood - without it there's a part of your development that's stayed in a sense, with it though - it almost seems like you're on your own, whatever sense of shelter you thought you had is gone, and the full weight of adulthood's responsibilities bare down. Even with a professional job that I work hard at and do a lot of things that would blow people's minds (from an aspie perspective), its still a different kind of adulthood, a different angle, a different sense, one that I'm still not used to engaging. Myself like with anyone I think we tend to all progress forward but at the same time its never fully even - ie. we'll mature faster in some ways, less quickly in others. In that sense, while I don't have a fear of comittment - with the right person I'd love to build something on solid ground and keep building - I do find myself still having some fear over my own vulnerabilities.

I guess why I write this, some things happened today that got me thinking - being 'swept' could be a very good or very bad thing, its a toss up for a lot of people and its diffult to tell sometimes, when your wrapped up in someone else's gravitational pull, what you should be evaluating, what you shouldn't, what you need to watch out for or how much your wariness could actually sabatoge something that would have otherwise been the best thing you could have had. Its extremely tricky, this is actually where I see most NT's getting into the most trouble - outside of run ins with the law or irresponsible handling of finances. I worry about it, even less because of any personal upheaval, but even more because the stakes are *very* high.

Dislaimer - reading this you may get the impression that I think entirely too much; this is just me. I'd never let this sensation or these kinds of thoughts perilize me, I'll make the smartest choices (usually in the 'trust until proven otherwise') direction but, when I have feelings and thoughts like these - I guess I like to get them out there, see how many other people are dealing with them, see if they can relate or have been pleasantly surprised, see if they have any pointers. If anything I always hope that there's someone out there reading a post like this and joyously relieved that there's at least feeling the same things that they are. The last bit might be a bit strange but, well, again, this is just me and how I operate - I've learned its best to embrace core attributes of self rather than trying to morter them into something more broadly understood by other people, in a sense it really can't be done without generating much more misery than simply explaining yourself from time to time.

The very fact that you have had so little "luck" with 1)having a joint chemical/personality attraction and 2)timing, in terms of each other's readiness, and that you feel that your "luck" is changing at this time would to me, be fair justification for tossing at least a little caution to the wind.



I guess I'm curious as to why you seem to think that you have to be "swept off your feet?" Could you not just let the wind blow through your hair, but wear steel-toed boots to stay grounded? (By the way, loving your plant analogy ). If your plant is only moved to a window with better lighting, and the water is being fortified with fertilizers, there would certainly be potential for improved growth. That is to say, the plant doesn't need to suddenly be uprooted and transplanted outside to be exposed to full, direct sunlight... That would be a very amazing scenario, and one that, again, if you feel could come to fruition, would be worth the risk involved to allow for such a possibility, no?



This is perfectly reasonable, and what I'm getting at in terms of avoiding immediate outdoor transplanting.

Unfortunately, I can't empathize with what you mean about opening the last gate into full adulthood... I myself have a child, and feel more responsibility for him than I ever have for anyone else in my life, including myself (although now there's more of that, too, since I have to be healthy to care for him...) However, I have had someone express their concern over being responsible for someone else's emotional well-being... As in how their behavior, or just the outcome of events based on their actions/choices/words would ultimately affect their partner, and that it can seem a daunting burden to bear... I'm not sure if that's what you are referring to, however. My apologies if I've missed the mark there.



It's good that you don't have a fear of commitment... You've already got an edge over most individuals in this world!

I believe most people do, and in more situations than just romantic involvements... The question is if you're going to harness your fear and take charge of it, or let it control you and prevent you from taking steps you would otherwise take, were it not there holding you back. (?)



Sorry, I just love that you said this, since that is exactly the terminology I used to express my feelings toward a person once.

I don't usually do this, but... "Everybody knows if you are too careful, you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something." - Gertrude Stein



I'm like that, too. It can take great effort to stop the cycling of analytical thoughts, and sometimes they cannot be prevented...




Definitely in agreement there.

[quote="auntblabby"][/quote]

Haha! I am SO the guy in that scenario

keep your feet on the ground. You don't have to be swept off them...I let that happen to myself recently and I regret it so much. Just breathe and take things one day at a time while continuing to focus on your own life and still doing the little tasks that you need to do in life each day. Talk to as many people about it as you need to, meanwhile keeping your eyes wide open. Good luck,.

at the risk of being totally predictable and repeating myself endlessly

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

before the OP's statement above, i often imagined i was the only one, other than in [cartoonist] gary larson's imagination.

Cute, I've seen that before.

Likely because I would be that moved/touched if a girl was actually showing that much direct action that she was dialing in on me. Of course it would have to make some degree of sense, ie. attempts had been made before but back then I also had big problems in terms of looking like one type of person and being another - had a lot of mismatches and I realize they were shooting for who they thought I was rather than who I actually was. Now, things are much more likely to be accurate.


Well socially speaking of course, I don't get flung around. On an internal level and what I don't show people if I perhaps don't feel its safe - different story. I can try to fight that kind of thing I suppose but, as a guy it seems like anything you do to mitiage or cross those things out seems to work out negatively in nonverbal communication as well.


Thats why I'm saying, its a bit of anxiety/trepidation, not something that would stop me.


No - I think your right on the money. Even chronologically speaking we seem to get steeped in more of it as time goes on. Pretty much though, a large part of this - when it comes to really being in a successful long-term relationship and taking things further, its essentially taking someone from your own peer group, having them as that much of your support structure, and I guess for me that's a part of my peer group where things have been historically skiddish/judgemental, it will I think take a while for someone to really gain my trust - just like, obviously, if I'm getting strong signs of interest from someone but I have reservations/doubts on her chances are she wouldn't be in the situation nor have and real possibility of sweeping me per say.


There's no reason for it to stop me. Its perhaps possible that if I don't meet anyone I trust (I like to think my radar on trustworthiness is pretty good though, as its rarely let me down), I may be wondering about how the reality of my expectations match up to cultural realities but if I actually see something happening from someone who's almost too cool for words in my book, there's really not much risk of me not reciprocating in little ways and giving her the green light. The way that could break down of course is wrong place/wrong time/mutually wrong states of mind but, as I'd never know at that point I guess I'm not worrying about those types of scenarios - more when I can tell someone is *really* interested (which thankfully I can read that).


Like I said, I'm a believer in synchronicity. I don't think there are that many things that don't have a bit of foreshadowing. If you asked me about this perhaps five or ten years ago you might have received a much more aspie/logical 'that's absurd' answer but, I really get the impression that the flow of life we see around us is like the skin on some sort of 3D rendering, the skeleton/framework it shown by how things will simultaneously happen to friends at the same time as yourself - long stretches of absolute monotony followed by all having steep drama in completely unrelated ways perhaps, things that odd seem to happen.

Thinking of Einstein's concept of gravity being a sag in the space-time fabric though, yes, its a bit like sliding down someone else's funnel. It wouldn't surprise me that, at a distance, someone I haven't even known or met, that by some strange logic we're slipping nearer and nearer with all kinds of completely subconscious movements.

Of course that's my own philosophical/determinist jibberish. Take it with a big grain of salt if you wish .


I'm enough of an odd duck to actually feel like they're incredibly healthy. I typically feel centered/balanced/etc.

This is the sort of thing that happens to me. I wonder how anyone manages to get together with each other.



I feel like that. I'm all grown up now, living on my own, paying my own way, but there's still this bit of being an adult that I don't experience and I feel like I am losing out on a part of what life is meant to be about. I feel like I am meant to share my life with someone, but lack the necessary skills to make it happen.

the thought that someone is in love with me sweeps me off my feet, but when I actually met the person I felt comfortable, no chemical feeling, no heartbeats. Do you feel that way too? I fell in love with his mind, which can be rather frustrating as he finds me quite pleasing to the eye. But as women are more emotional than visual, you have chances of having a relationship with a girl who may prefer the emotional connection. You can find them among the goody-goodies.

I don't think that's where I want to pick them up from though. I tend to relate a lot more to the girls who were in the harder side of the in-crowd back in the day, tripped, rolled, went to raves on the weekends or big house parties,, etc., and who came out of it sterling adults while the wreckage dropped off. A lot of my guy friends are from that zone as well, I spent a lot of time there, that and a lot of my tastes in things like music, my outlooks or general perceptions of life have been shaped by that.

There may be some goody-goodies who've lucked out and gained world-wisdom and balanced themselves out but for the most part they're a bit unlived. That poses a problem not only on the relatability front but also in the sense that they rarely seem to know themselves as well as they should or, perhaps, they're just better built for a guy who's of a similar nature. Its not to say that I don't see myself as a good person, I see everyone described who fits my liking as under that umbrella in all actuality, just that there are people who've gained much more of a solid grip on life and those who are still being carried by thought patterns that largely aren't their own and, until they're able to fully make those thought processes their own, they're likely to be in for many stark surprises in life as well as their partners. I need to be with someone who is self-aware and who's come up with understandings and answers on life that are fully her own, without that I'd feel like I'm living with a castle built of cards rather than a strong, self-sufficient, self-aware equal. Not that I would close my mind to a girl simply because she's from a different crowd, just that she has to be able to get it, otherwise for me there's no connection.

I think sometimes you can be absolutely swept off your feet. Other times the romance can be more practical. I dont think that the storybook romance thing is the most important in a relationship.