I'm sorry and not sorry.

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I admit that there are people on this board who give similar advice that I give but have more tact when they give it. I realize, also, that my message either goes misunderstood or unnoticed by some because of this.

I do, however, feel it's necessary to be a little tough, especially to the new posters, so they don't become like those few regulars that have made a living for years out of whining about the same things.

Everyone is guilty of using this site, at one point or another, to whine or complain about a problem and get support. I recall a few months ago I made a thread about how I was frustrated over my sex drive and how hard it is to get sex. The difference is, a day or two later, I made a thread and apologized for taking up people's time.

While attention-seeking isn't against the rules, the few love and dating regulars that use this board as a free therapy session, ignore the advice given by everyone (not just me), then come back with the same problem, are setting a bad example and giving a bad name to those who might come on the love and dating board with one problem.

Let me also clarify that I'm not trying to impose my advice on other people. What works for one person won't work for another. But venting has never worked. At best, it's a stun-gun, a short term fix. You feel good that you let it all out, but you haven't addressed the problems.

My advice about fashion might not apply to some people on this site if they really have no interest in it. However, many NT women (not all) pay attention to what a guy is wearing. It's not necessarily having to wear a certain outfit, it's about having your own individual style.

Let me also correct myself that you don't have to be stylish to get a girlfriend. But in some cases, not all, I feel members on this board are venting about not being able to attract a particular kind of woman, not just any woman. And in that case, many attractive women pay attention to a guy's style. Looks are an individual preference, but getting a haircut and wardrobe that suits you, especially if you're picky about what girl you date, is essential.

I do feel that my advice about taking advantage of internet dating, not just conventional dating sites, but message boards, facebook (friends of friends), sites like meetup.com, is something that lonely, socially awkward people didn't have the benefit of existing decades ago. The amount of time whining on this or any message board is more than the amount of time it would take to talk to a few local women, tell them who you really are, where you're really at in life, and see if any of them bite.

I also feel that any real life experience with dating is a step in the right direction, even if the relationship doesn't last or nothing comes out of it. Women love to dish out advice, or let you know "how things are" as it relates to the NT world, and the experience will help you out immeasurably.

As painful as it is that I met a girl I really liked and it didn't work out, I'm grateful for a few months worth of memories (good and bad) that I have, that I know what it's like to passionately kiss someone you really like and who knows how to kiss, and I'm grateful for the information she gave me and the things I picked up on my own.

I can guarantee that if I hadn't met her (and then didn't meet anyone else) that I would be on this site, or others, making "There's this one girl that I've never talked to but I'm obsessed with" posts or venting about how unfair the dating world is.

I'll sum up by saying that women aren't another species, and they don't even speak a different language. The guys that succeed with women are generally socially adept in general. And you don't have to be some extroverted party animal to learn those skills. Will you still have Aspie ticks? Yes. But the skills you learn won't make you a sell-out, if anything you can apply them to goings on at your job or in other areas of life.

dont be sorry people need tough love, its a rough world some times people need a slap

I do think there are a couple here who spam this board and that spamming isn't against the rules.

I'm one of them, aren't I?

Some people seem to have a problem with
my reaction to "tough love".

I don't, it is just the way I react.

They know what to do if they don't
like my reaction.

I am fine with it tho.

Friends seem more convenient than romantic relationships, but the thought of them interacting with other people scares me a bit.
You may be contradicting yourself, you say people have to change, yet you also say they need to have their own style.
Maybe they already do.
But there is no possibility for me to make a choice, because no studies have been done where one group was spamming on a forum, one group was getting tough love and a control group did nothing.

therange, For whatever few critiques I have, I agree with nearly all of this.

This seems like the biggest point. And I wholeheartedly agree with you.

For example, a few years ago, I was on some other relationship board crying and peeing my pants about some romantic failure or another. People related with me, some people coddled, some people got to the point on where I went wrong, and some people b***h SLAPPED ME.

Honestly, it's the people who knocked my upside my head with the cold, hard, ugly, truth, the ones who called me out on my emo wallowing, the ones who illustrated in no un-certain terms that it was my own damn fault, who got through to me. That's what it took, tough love(...or perhaps real disdain). Perhaps it also required the subtle touch of others within the details who connected some of the dots, or perhaps it was the cumulative affect of all the ideas from everyone. But I can guarantee that if I had not been told in very direct, painful terms, I would be far less socially successful today.

So, again, I agree with your ethos.

My critique is where you draw the line, and your occasional lack of backing detail. Also, once you've clearly laid it out for someone, critical repetition is probably just not purposeful anymore.
Usually though, I think you're spot on.

Apologizing for using the board according to it's intended use? Silliness. People take the time to respond because they want to.

I don't agree with that. The traffic through this forum is so much that I don't think it affects the tone or value of the place, nor the potential for varied and good ideas.


Truth.
Although, an appreciation of the field of Festivity Zoology sure is helpful.
Particularly since so many other people enjoy it; By learning to share enjoyment in hitting a house party, bar, club, etc, you are at least giving yourself that extra avenue to relate with others. Sometimes that's worth pushing through the evening, if you want to connect.... But it certainly depends on the crowds you're hanging around...

But either way, there's nothing wrong with partying, there's no valid reason to think of it as a lower form of entertainment. If you haven't given partying a proper shot, don't be so quick to judge.

... I just don't see the big deal, here.
But then, I am rather new.

Yes. Good guess.

Range, I think you give solid advice. Sure, at times you can be a bit harsh, but so can we all. Advice forums are really good for getting an objective perspective on your situation. Sometimes it's best not to sugar-coat advice, because frankly, people can get sugar-coated advice from their friends - and sometimes the sugar-coating does more harm than good.

Bah relaships just suck.

I guess I'm the other one.

No.


Gee do people really care what I think or are you two curious?

No problem taking a tough line, however expect to roll with the punches. A tough line in itself isn't worth anything, it comes down to substance.

You are using lack of tact as an excuse, when that isn't really your problem. Your problem is letting people get to you.

Grow up (j/k). No matter how polite or apologetic you sound, someone somewhere is going to take offence. Its just as you get older, you care less.

Realize it is good to vent, and continuously holding in your opinion does little good in the long run.



Venting is its own therapy. People go to the gun range, blow off a few hundred rounds to relieve stress and feel better. It doesn't deal with the source of the stress, just a means of blowing of steam.

Look at typical therapy sessions. You are allowed an open and free forum to discuss your fears, inhibitions and concerns. The therapist is there to provide you with someone to talk to and (hopefully) guidance. If there was no communication, there would be no breakthroughs or communication.



There are many fish in the sea, and there are many ways to catch those fish. No one method is certain to land a catch, however methods are frequently discussed and shared between fishermen.



That's good until you find someone else and then you'll wonder why you were with that nutjob (j/k). No, all relationships enrich our lives and it's much better to have had a relationship than to continue to sulk over the lack thereof.



The guys who are best with women have many talents and are able to adjust to the varying type of women they meet. Shy women, extroverts, the girl at the coffee counter, etc. How you deal with one isn't how you deal with all, but as you get more comfortable with women and grow your conversational style and abilities, it becomes easier.

Don't be sorry.

Your advice is pretty good, and as somebody here has stated, some people (including me, and I apologize for that) just need some tough love once in a while

yeah, you are
and I facepalm several times a day here