Is it Fear of Failing? Or Unwilling to Change?

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There are a lot of posts here about failed relationships and people being jaded from them. Most people have failed relationships. I would argue most everyone. People become afraid of trying, or don't want to try anymore.

My question (and maybe this won't be perfect clear) is this:

Do you see yourself not getting into relationships for fear of trying and failing? Are you unwilling to change anything you currently do in order to have a relationship?

Probability is: there will be failures. Probability is: you will need to change some things and/or behaviors.

I am just curious about people's mindsets.

Well I'm married but I had two failed relationships. I knew lot of people had failed ones and you get back on the horse. When I was in a relationship, I realized how hard they are and difficult and what is expected in them I found over whelming. It was a chore and it was like I had to work at home. I took that as laziness. I felt bad about myself thinking I might be one of those aspies who might not be able to have one because what kind of man would want me? The chances be very slim to find the right guy out there. But I finally understood why some aspies give up on them or why they say they are unable to have one. I was scared I was one of those aspies and I decided to quit trying to find one. I still wanted one because I want to have kids and I didn't want to be a single mother. But I didn't think a guy would want me even though I knew there was someone out there for me but it be very slim.

So I was depressed and I was dating still but I had no desire for a relationship even though I would like to have one but they were just too hard. Then I met my husband and even I didn't want him as my partner. But he kept seeing me and I fell in love with him because he accepted me and didn't expect me to follow the relationship rules. He just wanted me to be happy.

Change is hard for everyone. It's hard for me too. Then I burn out and go back to my old self which is what happened. I decided to change on my own to be a better wife but then I burned out. I can't seem to keep it up. But I do other things instead like take him to his appointments, giving him a ride to work when he needs it. Going grocery shopping with him. Ask him about his feet. It's the intimacy I can't handle. I let my husband kiss me and hug me but not much.

Even having mild AS causes roadblocks in our relationship.

You are who you are because your genes have constructed an atypical brain that fires neurons in unique patterns. You may forcibly alter your behaviors, but you will never change your inclinations, therefore major modifications in behaviors will ultimately make you very unhappy as you will constantly feel unnatural and forced.



You took the words right out of my mouth.

Personally, I'd like to have tried and failed than have never tried at all. I do have some aspects about me that should change before I date, but I'll leave it up for the datee to decide.

So....how do you explain the alcoholic who recovers? (Really recovers, not dry drunks.) They say people's brains are hard-wired for chemical dependency....alcoholism certainly tends to run in families - but I see that kind of recovery all the time. Not only is the behavior gone, but so is the inclination, making recovery the natural state.

They are not even close to the same thing, each individual has a degree of how flexible their behaviour is, some more then others and this is determined by and large by the functioning of the structures of their minds.

A ret*d person has less degree's of flexibility in thought an action then a normal person, and this cannot be gotten around. I think most people don't realize how much more like automatons they really are, those who think they all have the same degree of behavioral flexibility need to read more medical journals on brain damaged patients.

@ZakFiend - What's "not even close to the same thing?" @Willard made a pretty broad statement about an individual's ability to learn new behaviors (I'm assuming he's referring to Aspies, but maybe he's referring to the whole population.) My interpretation of his statement is that behavior (or wants and desires?) are hard-wired into one's brain, and cannot be changed. That kind of trashes the whole "nature vs nurture" debate, doesn't it?

Since I've seen the impact of "nurturing" on people with many different kinds of brains, I reject the idea that Aspies aren't affected by nurturing. People can learn new techniques, new behaviors, new ways of coping, that can help them live more fulfilling lives. And yes, those new, healthier behaviors can and do replace old negative behaviors.

I haven't even had a -failed- relationship. That's how much fail I've got.

Agreed. I spent over 45 years thinking all my quirky peculiarities were just 'mine' - personal choices, eccentricities I acquired because I didn't want to be as predictable as the humdrum masses.

Then I discovered Asperger Syndrome, and as I read the symptoms and the list of diagnostic criteria in the DSM, it was a point-by-point description of ME. It was as if someone had been reading my diary, or watching me from hidden cameras all my life. And stranger still, the few criteria that didn't seem to apply to me, came back to me in little epiphany moments for the next few weeks - they did describe me, just as accurately as the rest - I just hadn't understood what the descriptions meant at first.

Groups of doctors who'd never met me nor even knew of my existence were able to describe me as if they'd been observing me for years - how is that possible? Because I'm not as unique as I thought I was - different, yes, quite askew from the norm - but a predictable aberration nonetheless.

I know everyone wants to believe they're a snowflake - a one-in-a-million independently creative spirit - but they have no clear picture of just how much our thought processes, our behaviors, our likes and dislikes, our choices of philosophy and morality, entertainment venues and food selections are determined not as much by free will, as by patterns of neurons firing in governed sequences set in place by our gene structure.

Somewhat relevant quote in regards to the topic:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

U.S.A. President Theodore Roosevelt
"Citizenship in a Republic,"
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

Based on what I've experienced myself, and still experience, as well as what I've read here and elsewhere, my impression is that fear is the primary driver. Unwillingness to change is a convenient safeguard so-as to preempt that fear in the first place. We can convince ourselves of a lot of rigid, unyielding, yet irrational beliefs out of simple fear...

Fear always stops me for a while... When I was younger, I would usually stay single for at least 1-2 years between dating.

I am constantly aware (whether single or not) of personal development I would like to make. (I analyze everything to death, and usually myself/my behaviors/personality the most). When I'm in a relationship however, more specific (and immediately urgent) things will come to mind, and I always feel like I'm willing to change certain things, so long as I come up with the idea myself, and deem it something I could benefit from by working on. (If someone suggests I change something, I get pretty defensive. That's one of the things I'm trying to remedy ).

Problem for me has always seemed that the guys I get involved with have their own stuff that doesn't necessarily work that well within a relationship, but they resist any sort of development. The one (really messed up) guy I was with for a long time apparently hadn't changed at all in a DECADE. His ex-girlfriend from ten years prior to our breakup got in touch with me (still don't really understand why), and the way she described him in their relationship made it sound like someone was reading my diary (if I had one) outloud.

A working theory is that it is so plainly obvious how willing I am to work on things, that the people I'm with figure they can just coast. *shrug*

When you're younger, fear of failure is a big issue. You're willing to change your outlook, job, family, friends, etc. all to please a girl (or guy) and then wind up miserable because of it.

When you're older, the fear of failure is less (as you realize failure doesn't hurt much 6 months down the road) so you take the chance. However, you become more resistant to change.

Sure, you may change what you do ("Oh noes, no xbox on Fri night w/ the guys?!? That's now 'quality' time she sez/!?1/!") but ...

At some point you realize "I like doing what I like doing". I'll ski in the winter, bike/hike in the fall and play on the lake in the summer. IF someone wants to come along and have fun - great. But on a powder day, there's no such thing as a GF if she's not on the slopes with you (like this Saturday, EPIC!)

I worry that I will be thrust into a situation where my individuality and creative edge may be threatened, or that I will be largely unfulfilled by a partner (not just sexually, but intellectually and emotionally).

Paranoia does it good for me.

It is clear enough, but you can't generalise about group, or a specific situation.

I would say fear of rejection, rather then failing in a relationship is the common theme of posts. Then once they have kindled something (perceived or real) then they might move on to fear of failing within relationships, rather than specifically being rejected. There is a curious mixture of fatalistic end goal fortune telling, and not really considering the true consequences of actions.

As for not trying, it is a lot easier to pre-empt rejection. Then you are not waiting for it to happen. The lesson is that rejection isn't that abnormal, people are doing it all the time including themselves. Behavioural speaking humans are asocial in that respect, in that we are wired to filter out people, that have less significance. I don't mean this is a bitter or resentful way. As much as people try to separate themselves from that aspect of human nature, they are only kidding themselves.

Behaviour and probability, there's a complicated mixture. Yes you are correct in many ways, apart from the fact that behaviour don't necessary directly relate to concious thoughts of them. So yes you may be compelled to change, but the don't mean that particular change will lead to a more successful relationship. It just means that is what is assumed to be the solution at the time.