Trying to show a heartbroken girl that you're a sweetheart

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So, that girl who I liked a while back I've come to find out is close friends with someone who I accidentally p'oed in 2008. This isn't the one from this topic I started: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt109075.html (it seems like I have interests in girls that change as often as I change my underwear, which is often!

But I'm in a stickier situation. I have fairly strong feelings for this girl who is not just attractive, but it's basically single, except for the fact that she still wants to find out why her boyfriend is ignoring her and why there was a breakdown in communication, or in her words "My "Boyfriend" wrote what I said in my status in my yearbook, but according to him we're over, yet he still hasn't talked to me about it..." But when she said "But thank you so much for what you said, it definitely made me feel a lot better", it warmed my heart. And I meant every word of encouragement that I said.

But I met up with her last week, and well, I was a nervous wreck through the entire meeting. It wasn't even a date, but it was a half-hour and she had to run because her roommate wasn't feeling well. But I'm worried that I gave her a bad first impression, but now I come to find that she has mild paranoia, which comes to surprisingly a relief to me because now I know that new people and situations might make her a bit uncomfortable.

I got worried that I might have been chatting with her way too constantly (it kinda drives me nuts when people constantly message me but I have nothing to tell them of interest), so I've given her a break. But now I'm mildly paranoid that I might have ruined any chance of dating her. She's attractive, a virgin, level-headed, not a drunkie, not really an a**, but I'm nervous I might have turned her off. What the heck do I do? Maybe with all that is on her plate, she might be under some stress and the last thing she needs is a guy hitting on her. Worse, on campus, I have a slight reputation of being a creep (which is totally unintentional).

Last edited by Northeastern292 on 14 Feb 2010, 12:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

Anyone have any advice?

Hang around without hitting on her?
My "two pence" of advice.

Call her up and ask her out for coffee.

Just be careful that her ex really is out of the picture; from your post, it sounds like she's still a bit hung up on him.

Tell her that when boyfriends pull that kind of behavior, that indeed, stick a fork in it, it's DONE.

That's basically what I explained to her, and she came to that conclusion as well. But it would have been two years for her this spring, so I understand where she's stuck.

She doesn't drink coffee But I get the idea. I'll give it another shot.

What's odd is that now she wants to study Russian, and it's ironic that I am quarter Russian and quarter Ukrainian, so I think I "rubbed" off on her subconscious.

You can't separate good intentions from your ulterior motives. It is not possible for you to have a neural view of her (ex)boyfriend whilst you are perusing her. She is still dealing with the fall out so you risk pissing her off big time. This is a sure fire way to loose a friend. Wait until she shows obvious interest in you in that way.

That's what I'm doing. I know it's going to be rough, so that's why I've stopped annoying her so much, since I was worried that I was doing that. It doesn't help that she suffers from slight paranoia; she even admits it on a Facebook note. I'd rather have her as just a friend than lose her as a friend because I tick her off trying to pursue her.

Terrible advice. This is what will ensure your platonic relationship.
But to clarify, 'hitting on her' is a term that generally represents creeptastic flirting, which is no good. Flirting with her overtly, though is utterly necessary. Otherwise you probably just don't seem confident or very alluring. You don't want to come off as meek, nervous, inferior, subservient, supplicant, a doormat, etc. (And no, you hecklers, this doesn't mean you gotta act controlling, or like a jerk. It's a balance.)
By not being forthright with EXACTLY what you're interested in, what you think, how you feel, you are acting in an unattractive manner.

As you've already figured out, you need to relax around this lady. You really got to take her off that pedestal. She's just some normal chick, like all the billions of others. If shes cool, that's great, but there's lots of cool women out there. To become more relaxed, you've also got to divorce yourself from this fear of rejection. That fear is borne from your attaching a major sense of self-worth from the outcome of your interactions with her. This is no good. You're 19, yes? Do you think 'she's the one?' Well, she very likely is not. Bare that in mind if you begin to obsess about what she thinks about you.

Conceivably there's little things you can do to seem different than you actually feel. But I'm not a proponent of faking it. Rather, here's what I suggest:
Regardless of how things turn out with this lady, you will need to address your sense of worth by taking on a "campaign of awesomeness." I just made that up. Catchy innit?
In this campaign you will make a mental list of objectives, and meet them. They may include things such as: Improving your health and fitness, fixing money issues, doing things you've always meant to do but didn't, take a step towards some far-flung goal, finish projects, start new projects, spend a lot of comfortable time with good friends, learn new stuff, enter a contest, etc etc etc. Basically accomplishing things that make you feel good about yourself. *Edit - That have nothing to do with a relationship.

What does this have to do with your lady friend? Well, nothing, since this is long term project. But it has direct applicability to your success with your NEXT lady friend... Or maintaining your relationship with this current girl if you manage capture her attentions.

Sorry if I come off as harsh. I find that this topic deserves a battering ram more than it does a gentle knock on the door.

This is a good example of the kind of things that stick in your mind when you're obsessing a little too much. Bare that in mind.

Last edited by Sound on 14 Feb 2010, 3:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're right on that one. This is what destroys my chance at any love, I become too obsessive, but I worry that she's trying to rebuff even the idea of building a friendship. But I'll play it smart and I'll play it cool. It's not like my high school of 250 or so. There are nearly 4,000 students at my college.

I'm glad you're receptive to another way of looking at things, but:

STFU with that nonsense.

It's true that there are things one can do to degrade their chances of finding and fostering a successful relationship. In your case the number one threat is: Not seeking self-improvement. The reason I say this is that obviously you're unhappy about the current state of things, and that causes distress and bad vibes, which people pick up on in various ways, and don't enjoy experiencing.

So what you do is focus on the root of the problem, and not so much the symptoms. If you don't like the state of things now, and things don't change, then you will continue to feel the same(except worse, because it lasts longer, and longer).
Thus, the answer is to take small steps now, which creates positive momentum, and very good vibes.

Something to think about: For the purpose of affecting your mood and self-image, positive momentum towards goals is equally useful to reaching goals.

Another perspective. You're in a closed room with no windows. There's little pinpoint lights here and there, like christmas lights or nightlights, but it's otherwise dark. On the table, there's a big glowing lady-shaped light. It is the brightest light, and illuminates the room most. Objectively, this lamp isn't actually all that bright. But, compared to all the tiny lights in the room, well, yeah.

Imagine in comparison a different room where it has equally many small lights, but each of those small lights are a bit brighter. By their sheer number, the room is far brighter than it was before. The lady-shaped light still quite illuminant, compared to one individual small light. But if you were to lose that lamp, the other lights are bright enough that it wouldn't be such a terrible loss, like it would have been in the other room.

.... I've seriously gotta quit with my propensity for stupid analogies.
Anyways, drawing this closer to your present situation: If you have less reason to worry about the outcome of an interaction, you will be less nervous, more comfortable, and thus far more easy to be around and enjoy. This is the number one thing that attracts people (not just women).

I tried saying that, but didn't know how to put it into words

I know this topic's a bit stale and dead, but the friendship isn't. She's come out and has told me that she only currently sees me as a friend, but over the past few weeks, it's become more comfortable to talk to her. I have no problem with the friendship thing at all, but it's just that I want to continue building that friendship, but I don't want it to just be one where we're talking on Facebook for a few hours straight, and not hanging out in person, because it's face to face interaction that builds a friendship.

Despite things, she has given me words of encouragement (she has for instance had utmost appreciation for chatting with me Saturday night and early Sunday morning after her ex-boyfriend basically rejected any reunion between him and her in a relationship setting, despite not having hard feelings). Surprisingly, we were able to get some things between us squared away. We both tend to have paranoia issues, and she was a smidgen paranoid that I was slightly stalking her and sending her uncomfortable signals. My only issue is, how do I improve the wheel? I'm going to leave her alone for a couple of days, let my hyperactive mind calm down a bit and see how things go.

I'm confused. When you say she has given you 'words of encouragement' and that you will 'see how things go', are you suggesting you still think you have a chance of dating her?

I'm sorry to say this, but she has very very clearly stated that you are just a friend. At the moment, you are just sending her uncomfortable signals; if you keep trying to pursue a relationship, or hanging around as a 'friend' in the hope of romance, then you will really freak her out.

Sorry if that's not what you meant, but I just think if you want to keep this friendship, you need to knock any romantic aspirations about it on the head.