Ready to give up

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The last person I dated treated me extremely well until I broke up with him. Initially I stayed with him out of desperation and assistance with motor coordination/directions/linear reality/memory help. He ended up taking all of my SSI money, being utterly and completely worthless, (couldn't design graphics or create music let alone get a job) and eventually he became an obsessive stalker. Finally the police got him to leave me alone.

Flash to a year later. Completely in love. I finally thought I'd met the perfect person for me. Someone who thought like I did. Someone who treated me well. NT but completely tolerant of my AS and even sympathetic. Talented. Intelligent. Creative as hell.

Great at music and video. Not so bad at graphics either. Yet now this guy is taking my SSI money too. He feels bad about it but doesn't have a job. I'm starting to verbally blow up at him for empty promises about paying me back and since I'm having these verbal blowups I'm automatically made to look like the bad one.

I am sick of everyone who treats me well being someone who takes my money because they are even less employable than I am. I am sick of being in love with people who end up taking from me. I am sick of people with money rejecting me because of my poor skills with motor coordination/directions/linear reality/memory. I need my lover to be my personal assistant because I don't know my left from right. Does this mean they have the right to keep taking my money though? I didn't know I was paying for a babysitter.

What in the world am I supposed to do? I'm actually in love now but if things keep going this way I just... I don't know. There has to be someone who can help me in the areas I lack that won't put me into debt.

Haywire seriously don't let them at your purse strings. It is the fault of traditional relationship malarkey. You don't have to do that, tell them what's what at the start.

Even I genuinely wanted to share money with a loved one, I wouldn't do this joint account thing. I think two people can be independent within a relationship, bankers draft handles the rest. My folks have septate accounts always have.

I hate for this to sound mean but maybe it's a sign that you need to be by yourself for awhile?

How badly do you need other people? Because frankly, there are not many guys willing to be your social worker and work for free, they want you to be an individual. Thats what I have come to realize with NT women is that they are not going to hold my hand forever, eventually I need to walk on my own.

Digest it.

I've done my time in regards to being single and am ready to settle down with someone. Should I just hire a personal assistant and date someone who won't take my money? I mean... I kind of need a personal assistant full-time. I don't even remember the names and faces of my friends. I walk into walls. Can't get from point A to point B without having a panic attack. There has to be someone who can help me with all of this stuff that has a job. I guess I'm just spending my SSI money on whoever I date. Wonderful.

Don't spend money on him, don't let him handle your money. Find someone you can trust to help you with finances.

Also, if the guy is employed, he probably can't be around enough to be your personal assistant.

You stated that you're ready to settle down with "someone." This never made sense to me. How can you be ready to settle down if the person in question is a big question mark?

I don't think mixing love with work is a good idea. Can you not get goverment support for your disibilty? To pay an assistant with?
That sounds like what should happen, then you can date someone who is nothing to do with money and who you don't pay

you just need a man not a boy. believe me i have had to help women with that distinction for a long time. i have a job. my own home my own money. on dates i always pay reguardless if she says she is i dont let her. i open doors, i meet parents.

boys on the other hand steal ssi money and abuse those who take them in. they are worthless as people and from what i hear are terrible in bed.........generally why i had so much business. but thats not the worse thing. they just dont care about anyone but themselves.

i dont do that either but at least i pretend to. i put the effort in. even if i dont care ill still ask about your day.

OP, have you checked into services and/or assistance that you might qualify for based on your disability? Since you truly seem to need full time assistance to help with daily living, there may be a program you qualify for that will provide an assistant. Do you have a caseworker you can consult about getting additional help?

I'm not sure how these men have been "taking" your money (do you give them access to your bank account; are you giving them money; are you buying them things?), so it's kind of hard to advise you about how to proceed. I would advise against ever giving someone else (to whom you are not married) access to your bank account, your ATM card, your credit cards, your wallet, etc. - you should control your own finances. If you bf is able and has the opportunity to work, he should work. However, it sounds like you need full time assistance, and that's a job you'd have to pay someone to do....so I'm not sure why you object to paying your bf to do that job.

I was ready to settle down with the guy I'm currently dating. We had been talking about getting engaged for a while. It seemed like fate. I'm in love.

The government doesn't give me enough money to pay rent let alone hire a personal assistant. Why not cut costs of living by moving in with my lover? To be technical... even if every cent I got from SSI went to him I would still be able to live in a nice place with someone I love. I would still be able to get help with directions and memory. I would still be able to work on creative projects with him. Play shows together. Make movies.

I think what I'm afraid of (and what is making me feel so vulnerable) is that this is as good as it gets. That spending all my SSI money on my lover in exchange for him helping me navigate the NT world is better than I could ever do alone. I get kicked out of every place I move into that isn't utter crap... but my lover would never kick me out.

It makes me feel like a pathetic person. Like I'll never find someone who can contribute to rent and food that will help me with directions etc. and that if I spend my time alone the rest of my SSI money with go to taxi drivers, personal assistants, and social coaches anyway.

Am I the only one going through this? I can't see it being that uncommon. A lot of people on the spectrum have lovers that help them navigate the NT world while highly appreciating their AS traits. Do these people become the only ones providing income?

I'd like to hear from other people who have been in similar situations and how they were able to overcome them.

This is gonna sound like a bad excuse but I am too disabled to find a caseworker. I don't know how to talk to people, give linear descriptions, get taken seriously... any of that. Yet my lover helps me with all those things. Maybe he could help me find a caseworker? I'm at a loss.



They promise me that they will pay me back for rent, food, etc. and never do. They don't say it's because I "cost so much time and effort to help" but because they have bad luck, are dealing with the crappy economy, etc. The guy I'm with really does want to get a job and contribute to our household. I'm just sick of him telling me he'll have money for us only to find out that it was his pipe dream. He really does think he'll have the money he promises.

brandon couldnt handle the real world so he made me. probably not the best to talk about love. in the quest for a woman i became a prostitute and further killed and froze my insides. could be worse though

Okay, I'm a little confused. I'm assuming you have another source of income other than your disability money? Otherwise, I don't understand how you can afford to live in a nice place (even if you give all your disability money to your bf) when your disability money doesn't even cover your rent.

My SSI money goes to rent for both of us. 1K a month. I also make a small amount of money through creative channels. Currently I am in severe debt though.

I'm sick of his empty promises about money. If he would have told me he couldn't guarantee the money he promised us it wouldn't have been an issue. I would have just had him do more work for me. I'd be fine hiring him 24/7 if that's what needs to happen. What I'm not fine with is the "I'll have the money in two weeks" lies that he blames on bad luck.

Since I believed he'd have the money in two weeks I felt free to spend a little extra. Now I'm risking eviction.

Okay Haywire, I think I understand your situation a little bit better now - and your frustration. He's promising that he'll re-pay money, and he's not coming through.

First, it sounds like you live in the U.S., and just an FYI, most places cannot legally evict you until you are 90 days behind in rent. So, I don't know where you live, but I'm certain that there are laws regarding eviction. (And I also know landlords threaten to do things they're not legally allowed to do, so if your landlord is threatening you, don't believe they have the power to do what they're threatening until you check out the law for yourself.)

So, your bf has got a few assignments: first thing tomorrow, he needs to investigate the eviction laws in your area. Lots of towns have tenant's rights associations, and/or people who work for the village/town/township who are dedicated to resolving landlord/tenant disputes. Have him get on the computer and the telephone and figure out what your rights are, ASAP.

Second, he's got to figure out what type of caseworker can help you. If you're getting $1,000 in disability and it's all going to rent, you should qualify for food stamps. You may also qualify for subsidized housing. If he's not working, does he qualify for unemployment? How about food stamps? How about welfare? Again, I suggest starting with your local town government - there should be somebody at that level who can help him (to help you) navigate the system.

So those are the things that need to happen immediately to ensure you continue to have a roof over your head, food on the table, etc. - and since his irresponsibility helped make this mess, he should be the one to clean it up. But that leaves the question of his irresponsibility. I guess I'm wondering if he had any reasonable expectation of having the money to repay, or if he was just blowing shiz to talk you out of your cash. Is he just a sponging, worthless jerk....or is there a reason to give him the benefit of any doubt? I can't answer those questions, but if you decide to give things another try, you need to make it clear to him that lying is lying - and you won't tolerate it. I think how he does with these two assignments may be a pretty good indicator of his character. In the end, all he needs to get these things accomplished is a willingness to help, and the maturity and decency to see that the job gets done. If he proves that he does indeed possess those qualities, it may be worth trying to work things out with him. Only you can decide that.

The answer is to keep your financial life, and living space independent of your boyfriend. Don't ever move in with em, till you're ready to have a trial marriage. That's what living together IS - Marriage without the paperwork and vows. This shouldn't be happening at all until you're married, or about to be married. If he has financial problems, it's his problem, not yours. Obviously drawing that line is not feasible when you are nearly married or living together.

Of course you'd like to help the guy, but obviously there's a line that you're crossing that brings your men to lean on you. But never let them lean on you. A relationship can persist despite an insistence on independent stability. Sometimes, by not helping them, you actually are helping them.

If your current relationship's issues get settled, and you're still living with him, try to live elsewhere while retaining the relationship. This problem will probably come back, otherwise.

Umm.....I've got to disagree with that perspective. I don't believe that living together is marriage without the paperwork and vows. I don't believe it's any kind of marriage at all - it's just cohabitation. Marriage should involve love and commitment. If you don't have the love and commitment, you've got all the headaches of cohabitation, a few of the perks, and none of the really important stuff....like promising to support each other, grow together, and work through your problems - no matter what. Just my two cents.