With AS, Does no one want to "give?"

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As I read these posts, I read a lot of what they want in a mate, and its always what a mate can do for them. Doesn't anyone have a deep down desire to GIVE to someone else?

I had a deep down need to make my bf happy. I want to do things that make his life easier, that make him happy. I want to find his most deep down burning desires and fantasies and I want to be a part of them.

Does no one want to give that back in a relationship?

I used to.
I probably still like it when I give something, but I have not tried.
The fight rate has gone down by a lot between me and my sister lately.
But there are many people with Asperger syndrome who like giving.

The problem is happiness comes from within.

A relationship can never make you happy, it's only e reinforcement and even the pleasure from sex doesn't last.

Happiness comes from within, you gotta love yourself first anyway.

Most people on this forum find it hard to love themselves, hence their issue.

Im the giving type ... maybe a bit too much. I have a theory that most aspies are either extreme takers or extreme givers, because our social instincts are not really instincts at all, but self-created constructs. Hence we are either victims or abusers. Aspies also love making sweeping generalizations - apparently.

I have very little need to be around people in the sense of personally communicating with them, but get really anxious if I feel I'm not making people happy ... which gives rise to all sorts of very interesting problems.

Honestly I've found this to be the issue with NT's, strangely enough... I just want to keep giving, but the people around me don't want to return the favor due to their selfishness... I feel as though I have to become selfish as well in order to survive sometimes...

good points. i am an extreme giver, and have been taken advantage-of repeatedly. so i am better off alone, in the cold comfort of cloistered solitude. speaking of abusers, i wonder how many aspies were victims of abuse by parents or siblings?

I want to be giving, but I want to give what I want to give. Which is not necessarily what another person wants to receive.

Without understanding what others need, it is hard to adjust what you give to their tastes and needs. And if, like me, your interests and the way you think seems radically different from those around you, it may be like aliens trying to communicate. One culture's friendly wave may be another culture's offensive gesture.

Lars

This topic seems utterly strange, it's premise non-sequitur.

Why would you get the impression the forum population seems uninterested in giving?

I hate to resort to this pun, but I can think of no other fitting choice: The desire to give to the person you love is a 'given'.
Why would we talk about giving, when the issues in this section overwhelmingly stem from what we do not receive?

One's desire to give love has little-to-nothing to do with the frequently-posted inability to find and receive it.

Same here half the time. I give people my attention, my favor, and my respect, but sometimes people do not give back. I imagine a lot of the people here who seem very selfish are just sick of getting used.

should name your statement the aspergers paradox.

well, im going to view this as objectively as possible, so yeah. I have the following points to make. If one of the points has impacted me IRL, I will state that it has, so please dont assume i have had these problems. THese are mostly problems ive noticed mentioned on the forums and between people I know:
1)How can you give when you have not a clue as to what they want. This can give way to the issue of upsetting your partner because you give them something they didnt want.
2)Some aspergians do tend to give more on the 'physical level, than on the emotional level. In my book, it is still giving nonetheless.
3)A large portion might just be in their first relationship ever, so they are still in the process of learning the ropes. Thus they just might not know what to do just yet.

For sure. People are very self centric. They also do see the flaws they point out in other people in themselves.

I think people do want to give, but can miss the plot for short term objectives.

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 24 Mar 2010, 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

I care about my girlfriend, so I also care about her happiness. We both have problems with emotional stuff (we're both Aspies) and we both accept each others problems and do what we can do make each other as happy as possible.

It is worth pointing out that people want to give because it stimulates them. This is the neurology of why people do things.

I give almost anything anyone asks of me, whether I really want to or not.

I rarely give spontaneously though. If they don't ask me for something, how do I know what they want?

All I do know is what I want and need--but I don't express many of those things either.

And if I happen to be offered something I want or need, I will soak it up like a sponge.

I have a long, torturous history of being taken advantage of, to sometimes traumatizing extents. But I can also easily take advantage of the generosity of others without knowing how badly I'm draining them.

I'll add that 3/4 of the time, the other person doesn't know what they want, either.