DATING: is it worth lying about one's circumstances?

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yeah... so basically i'd quite like to start dating again. i'm signed up to the "plenty of fish" site to find potential people online. i have been put off it recently because of my not-quite-so-ideal-situation: 1. I'm still living at home with family and 2. my network of friends has shrunk to almost nothing (god i don't like to think of it that way but its true). 3. i'm still on a course so am not curently working.

so here's the problem: i meet someone online, meet her up in town somewhere then comes that horrible moment where i have to talk about my life. what do i do??? i know its disrespectful to lie to anyone but what other options are available?

has anyone else felt like this? i'd be interested to know what other people (aspies or NTs, i don't care...) have done when in this situation

PS. no "lying is a sin" responses please! i'm not religious but i do know right from wrong.
tada

I won't give you the "lying is a sin" argument, but what exactly to do you expect to achieve by lying? Will you be trying to make a young lady fall for someone you're not? What happens if you succeed? She will be interested in pursuing a relationship with some guy-who-is-not-you. Where does that get you? Eventually you'll have to tell her the truth, and then she'll realize that you're not the guy she fell for, and that you lied to her. And the funny thing is, most women will resent you for doing those things....and you'll get dumped.

Sooooo....play up your good qualities in your profile, be honest about the things you're less than proud of, and take your chances. If you can't live with that, either wait til your circumstances improve to start dating, or change your current circumstances right now.

if you lie, and you really hit it off. . . bummer

if you don't lie and you really hit it off. . maybe she has a place!

if you lie, and you don't hit it off, but they have a single friend that you would hit it off with . . bummer

if you don't lie and you don't hit it off but they have a single friend that you would hit it off with,

so it looks like the only problem is when you lie.

or, you know, if you don't lie, but she's still turned off by you and you make it too awkward a situation for anything to happen...

thanks for the responses so far

yep, i know i need to change my circumstances and this is the bit that's going to be nothing short of a leap of faith. i definitely want things to change just so i can be happy with myself as well.

in a way i'm kind of worried about future prospects for work let's-say: because i'm 27 and it's going to be a similar situation when i need to show a CV (full of employment gaps). (not trying to draw any analogies here to the previous subject!! !)

how have others pulled out of this rut. i's be ineterested to hear of any succesful stories

This is just my opinion, but if it were me I wouldn't lie, and as a girl I would not want to be lied to. I don't know why exactly you're in your situation (I'm not asking you to explain it to us, it's none of my business) but I would just ponder it and think of a way to explain it. When you get to topics such as jobs, I'd use phrases like "I'm in between jobs right now." On a date with a girl, I would give a brief explanation that doesn't sound like you're blowing her off.

I'll see if I can use myself as an example....I've had some really bad health problems the past year and instead of going to the 4 year school of my choice right away I'm living at home and going to junior college, and like you, my circle of friends has shrunk to pretty much nothing. People like extended family or my parent's friends are always asking about school and my life, and I've had to find a way to shorten my explanation of what's gone in my life. When I gave my friend (one of the ones I have left, lol) a full explanation of what's gone on with me in the last year he said something about how I've had 'really tragic events' in my life I have to shorten my explanation to "I've had some health problems and I had to change some college plans." I hope that helps.

If you're looking for a long term relationship, it is not worth it to lie, even though they do say all is fair in love and war.

Lying will get nothing more than a hump and dumped. Which will get harder to find if you stay in one area if you start to gain a reputation.

Turn it around - say you go, everything goes so swimmingly, then a year from now you find out what you believed was 87.5% fiction. Where does that leave you?

No law says you have to say everything in the first five hours. I think there might be a few details that mty wife has not heard yet, though they are very hard to find these days. but for most people, for most who find WP an appropriate setting, losing by talking straight is a better deal than winning by fudging.

harry j 83, I can relate.

Sad fact is that right now, until you have your own place, and are working stable, or at least seem to be independent, you're effectively damaged goods. The kind of woman who'd be okay with a guy who's having work problems/stability problems, and independence issues, is probably not the kind of woman you're interested in anyways. Either that, or she's much much younger than you - demands on mens' independence increase the older women get, I've noticed.

Though, I suppose there's a potential exception: women who are in a similarly crappy situation, and can relate to yours. But even lots of those women still filter out non-independent guys, despite themselves.

The way I think about it, being able to date effectively tends to require a) your own private space, b) personal transportation, and c) a positive frame of mind.
If you're missing one, you might get away with it.. If you're missing two, I suggest focusing your energy purely on fixing your logistical situation first, and put dating wholly out of your mind.

I mean, really, even if you did get a date, wtf are you gonna do if you hit it off, go back to 'your' place? I don't know about you, but I'd be too embarrassed for that.

It's not that you're a crappy guy, or unlovable, or a loser, or whatever; the problem is that you're simply in an un-helpful situation that's prone to harsh pre-judgement. So take that to heart before you go beating yourself up.

Also, @HopeGrows nails it, as usual.

lying only wastes your time when the other person finds out the truth.

I think the girl sooner or later would discover the truth. And then what would you do? Well... if you only wanted to be with anybody for a while, then you achieved your goal... But such life is empty. Do you want to love and be loved?

Online dating has been siccinctly summed up by this statement: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

To the OP.

You don't owe it to anyone you just met, to have to explain or justify yourself, your existence, your circumstances, your life.

Keep the conversation fairly light. Talk about interests instead. Hobbies. Films.

If she probes more then make a joke like, you usually save the in depth biographical material for the 2nd date. Make sure to smile and laugh afterward. It will sidestep some of the embarrassing stuff (which to my mind is rude to probe about having just met you anyway - I know that not everyone feels that way though) and also coyly ask to see her again, all in one step.

(To answer more directly - don't lie, no. That will come back to bite you in the backside and sooner than later.)

If the person gets too aggressive with questions, you can change the topic or turn the question around to ask them the same thing. (Sometimes people will back off when they see how it feels.)

Odds are the person isn't in an ideal situation themself. Don't get too nervous ahead of time, though. You might not like them as more than a chat buddy anyway. So don't worry too much in advance.

When I was 23 and effectively a model (locally), and I did live at home (it was a bad recession) but my situation wasn't anything bad (i.e. am taking exception to the idea that only girls without prospects would date 'beneath them'), I dated a 33 year old guy who lived in his parent's basement, had a job but not a good one, and wasn't very nice either. Some women like a 'fixer.' But you're right, most of it's due to naivete - rooting for the underdog if you're a woman and the guy isn't very nice, never works out happily. I was too young and naive to see that at the time. But I didn't hold his situation against him. It was a recession (like it is today) which is a good reason for good people to be out of work.

What ruined it all was he was also a really bad person. But that's another story! I am assuming you are not. Be nice to her, explain your situation when the time comes with simplicity and quietness, and if she has a good heart she really will not be swayed by that alone. (And if you're female the reason I shared this story was to say, if he isn't nice he isn't worth it no matter if he's rich or poor. Those selfish guys do not change, so don't feel sorry for them!)