Could you be loved?

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I’ve read so many posts written by people who are looking for love, sex, a relationship, friends-with-benefits…some type of connection with a partner. But if the opportunity presents itself, will you be ready to be someone’s partner?

I understand Asperger’s presents a unique challenge to initiating, navigating and maintaining personal relationships. You may be facing additional challenges that could have much greater impact than Asperger’s on your ability to sustain an intimate relationship. I wanted to write this post to assure you that – whatever challenges you face - there are steps you can take to be ready for love when it comes along.

I’d like to start with the non-Aspie challenges first. I’ve read stories here of people surviving abusive childhoods and relationships that have been so disturbing that they’ve remained with me. If you grew up in an abusive environment (mom/dad/caregiver was alcoholic, drug addicted, gambler, violent, physically abusive, sexually abusive, mentally ill, threatening, intimidating, raging, etc.) - you have issues to resolve. Please believe me – childhood abuse is an equal opportunity destroyer – it incapacitates NTs and Aspies alike. On the positive side, there is healing for NTs and Aspies alike. Please educate yourself about dysfunctional families, and the impact of abuse on children. Reading books like Bradshaw On: The Family by John Bradshaw; The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck; Codependent No More by Melody Beattie can really help you understand what abuse does to a child, and what you can do as an adult to heal.

On the not-so-positive side, until you deal with those issues you’re imposing an incredible handicap on yourself when it comes to forming intimate relationships. People who survive childhood abuse are very likely to choose abusers as partners in adulthood. It’s sad, but it’s very true: when you’ve grown up believing that abuse is part of intimate relationships, you choose people who can provide abuse. If your parents were incapable of teaching you coping skills (as abusers often are), you will not miraculously develop them as an adult – which make you more prone to abusing and/or tolerating abuse.

But remember, there are ways to heal, and there is hope. Therapy is definitely worth pursuing. Yes, you have to find the right therapist, but there are plenty of good therapists out there. The key is not to settle for a mediocre therapist. There is medication, spiritual development, 12-step programs, workshops, retreats, reiki…there are many, many options – so you will find something that works for you. Start with the books – they’re the least intimidating.

Then there’s the Aspie factor, which can also be intermingled with dysfunctional issues. For example, a later-in-life diagnosis can create issues….if you grew up knowing you were different, yet not knowing why….then had to deal with pressure to “fit in” or “act normal” – that alone can be a devastating experience. Social isolation, teasing, loneliness, etc. can all be incredibly damaging. I don’t feel as though I can encourage you enough to work with a good therapist who understands Aspies.

Learning techniques to cope with stress is extremely important. Most of us don’t deal with stress in healthy or productive ways, but because Aspies deal with stress differently - and can be more sensitive to stress - it’s even more important that you learn techniques to cope effectively with stress. Additionally, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of communications skills. You know how you think and communicate most effectively….maybe you’re better at written communication, maybe you need to have the time to think about a topic in advance, maybe you can’t talk when you’re tired, or first thing in the morning…whatever the specifics, you owe it to yourself to consider how you communicate most effectively, and to share your conclusions with your partner.

Last but not least, please consider the role of coping skills in your life. Look, no one expects an adult to throw a temper tantrum. While meltdowns may not be completely unavoidable, you can learn to cope with stressful situations more effectively, so that you can limit their frequency and severity. Alcoholics Anonymous teaches a little coping skill that I’ve always found effective (full disclosure: I am not an alcoholic, but I’ve known many in my life): “think before you drink.” This skill involves taking a moment to think through all of the consequences of taking a drink, e.g., falling off the wagon, losing your job, your spouse leaving you, etc. If you apply this technique to your own highly stressful situations, it can help take yourself out of the “heat of the moment” long enough to consider the consequences of your actions. So what if you’re prone to saying things you don’t mean when you get stressed out? Think it might help you avoid letting your mouth get the best of you if you took a moment to think about your gf leaving you cause you started name-calling? Other coping skills that might help: removing yourself from a stressful situation; remaining silent; using your words, as in, “I’m really not able to respond to you right now, but I’d like to continue this conversation later.”

My point is that if you haven’t worked through your own issues, you won’t be able to sustain a healthy, satisfying intimate relationship when the right person comes along. You’ll be too busy looking for an abuser, or too busy avoiding intimacy, or too busy screaming and yelling to notice the love of your life walking out the door. Don’t do that to yourself – do the work you need to do so you’re ready for love when you find it.

I had a traumatic childhood and a traumatic adulthood. But I will tell you something that I know for absolute sure. My marriage may have only lasted a couple years, but there is nothing I would trade for that time. Yes, it did end, and yes we both had "issues". But she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and by quite a ways. And likely if she were here to speak up, she would say the same thing about me. We may not have been compatible enough for what each other wanted and needed out of a relationship. But I barely have words to describe how wonderful it was to be married to her.

I cannot speak for anyone else, but this is who I am. I make myself vulnerable to the women that I love. And sometimes that gets me hurt and very deeply. But I would happily take all that hurt and anguish and despair, and all the beatings I have received and ten times over, and I would sign up for a bonus 2 more wars beyond the 3 I have already served in, I would do all that and more instead of having to not fallen in love with the few women that I have over the years. So, there is always hope that we will find something or someone that we can hold on to. No matter how dark a place we came from.

It may not always work out the way we want it to. But just because all your problems aren't fixed, doesn't mean everyone should just not try to find someone else, in my opinion. But, to each their own. It depends on what your priorities are. I may be incapable of having what most people on here or in the NT world would consider a normal well adjusted relationship. But I have memories that I will treasure until death or dementia. Believe it or not, sometimes if you find the right person, they actually help you. My ex-wife wouldn't be alive today (many times over), if she hadn't have met me. And I wouldn't have made it even this far with my emotional development if I didn't have at least one person that disagreed with everyone else, that I was actually welcome here in this world. It's very easy to speak the platitudes that you should always stand on your own two feet. But the people that say such things don't even have the imagination to know what it's like to have absolutely no one to even teach you to stand or that you are even worth doing so.

You have a very nice and thoughtful post, Hope. But I have to say that people are so varied that as soon as we start to generalize or classify or group, there are always people who are left outside. I suspect that your post will be good reading and a value for most people, and I applaud you for it. Hopefully I don't come off as sounding offended, because I'm not, I'm just stating my counter argument that may very well only apply to me.

I don't know.

Who is a role model for a good relationship?

What is love?

In our society you WILL be facing additional challenges.


I'm not so sure on that. There's little empirical evidence that any of the 'schools' of the effectiveness of psychotherapy. Not surprising considering that there is no definitive model of the human mind, only speculation. Therapy is an ongoing social experiment with only one guaranteed result - lots of business and money for the therapists.

And when you add AS into the mix, the prognosis worsens... Over the years there have been many people on WP who have found that therapy has not helped them at all. After 9 years in therapy, with 4 different therapies, I feel I have wasted a large amount of money. If I'd put that money into an investment account instead, I would be far happier with the results today


How do you know whether one is good or mediocre in advance? The whole field is seriously unregulated, probably because at heart we know that unlike physical medicine, therapy doesn't really affect anything - so it can't harm anything. My ex-wife was a therapist so I had the "inside knowledge" on who the 'good' therapists were as opposed to the myriad of 'self-appointed experts' or the therapy of the month. As you can see, it never helped. I just read a report that an estimated 4% of therapists have behaved 'inappropriately' with clients. And as there's little regulation, some are still practicing.


I've seen plenty of NT's display anger and temper tantrums, It does not prevent them from being in relationships. Perhaps the key is in how you express it?


Again, the mass of the popualtions has 'issues' yet still they form relationships. The fact is that there is not a background of 'healthy, thriving people in relationships' in our culture, only spoiled by a few execptions psycho-deviants and Asies. Right now, dysfunction is the norm.

50% of ALL marriages are not "sustaining, healthy and satisfying", hence they break up. If these people had no psychological issues, then ,marriages must be failing due to something *other* than psychological issues. (hence the issues are orthogonal to a succesful relationship) OR these people are getting into relationships and marriage *despite* their psychological issues. Odds are that it's the latter. "Civilisation and it's discontents". Our society messes us up in so many ways, few are exempt.

Surely violent aggressors, rapists, pedophiles etc must have *deep* psychological issues? Yet still they get in to relationships. Attraction seems to work 'despite' psychological problems. Indeed, the 'dark triad' traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psycopathy have been shown to be 'attractive' to the typical human. Every day the media has stories of violence perpetrated by someone *in* a relationship. The key seems to be to hide your problems long enough to fool someone. And in a culture that bases so much on image and appearance, this is not difficult...provided you were blessed with a culturally acceptable appearance. "But he looks so normal...who'd have though he could have done those things?".

As some people are more attractive than others, some are just less attractive and nobody can really pin down why. It just is that way, in the same way as some are born to run faster than others and some are more intelligent. There are no cook book recipes to relationship success. Yet our wish for this clouds our judgement, hence the billion dollar market in people selling us the "step-by-step guide to success". When people spend so much money on reading on how to form a relationship, something is clearly awry in the wider world.

Aspies *are* at a considerable disadvantage because our traits are largely deemed unattractive in our culture. Especially for males as introversion and sensitivity are considered totally undesirable by the majority of females. Suppressing our essential traits to 'fit in' causes problems in the long term. What's my point? Expectation management, I guess. To expect to fall in and out of relationships as many NT's do is going to lead to disappointment to all but the most good-looking/wealthy/mildly affected Aspies. We have to find our own way and we can start by stop paying for advice and behaving in ways that benefit others more than they benefit ourselves.

Thanks for this post. Although I am blessed to have a very loving and compassionate partner I have still have trouble connecting to other people. Both my parents drank themselves to death. I would characterize myself as having a mix of some asperger's/nuerodivergent traits and traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Recently, I've been seeking out medication and therapy. I'd also like to do more yoga and meditation.

I have to say for all those people out there that have not had any relationships at all: it really isn't as easy as it looks. That's the one thing i can offer given my limited experience. That's what I'd tell myself if i could go back a year and talk to myself from a year ago. I didnt have a dysfunctional family either... quite the contrary, I had one of the most functional familes in existence, and as a result I'm actually a bit of a family man, which should actually help in relationships. But even then, it still takes a lot of work, and most of the time it'll end up not working out for no reason at all...

It just goes to show suffering is all relative.

@ManErg - You raise a lot of issues that need to be addressed - so thanks for giving me the opportunity to do that.

I agree that therapy is such a broad concept that I could have written a more specific and qualified statement than, "Therapy is definitely worth pursuing." So let me qualify that statement: the benefit derived from therapy is directly dependent on the therapist (qualifications, skills and abilities), the client (honesty, willingness to participate and learn), and a good personality fit between therapist and client. When all of those factors are achieved, therapy is definitely worth pursuing. (Sorry, we're going to have to agree to disagree on your statement that, "therapy doesn't really affect anything" - yes, it really, really does. It saved my life, and made me want to live my life. That's an affect in my book.)

How do you choose a good therapist? Excellent question. A good place to start is getting recommendations from people that you trust: friends, medical doctor, teacher, etc. When you receive a recommendation from a trusted source, check out the therapist before you make the appointment. How are they credentialed? What do those credentials mean? Is there a licensing board that regulates therapists with those credentials? Is their license in good standing?

If you don't have a trusted source, start with the Psychiatry Dept. at the nearest teaching hospital. Teaching hospitals are excellent, because they are most current on treatment techniques in all areas. Find out if anyone there is studying Asperger's or autism, or has expertise in that area. Check out the credentials of those people. No teaching hospital nearby? How about a university? Are they doing work in Asperger's or autism? How about any major university that's doing research in Asperger's or autism? Chances are they work with local resources all over the country, so they may be able to identify a local source for you.

And your last line of defense in selecting a good therapist? You. Look, if you're going into therapy, I hope you approach it with clearly defined goals in mind. For example, a desire to alleviate depression; a desire to manage anger better; anxiety management, etc. When I first entered therapy, I did so with one goal: I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I was very concerned that I would either return to my abuser, or choose someone just like him. I'd stayed with him when I knew better, and I wanted to figure out why I'd done that, and how to avoid doing that in the future. I knew that was my goal, and I measured the progress of the therapy based on progression toward my goal. I measured progress by asking questions, e.g., was I learning why I engaged in self-destructive behaviors; was I learning how to avoid those behaviors in the future; was I getting what I wanted out of the therapy; was I feeling better? As a client, you absolutely have to make those type of assessments on a regular basis. If your therapist isn't cutting it, get another one. I've worked with three therapists: one who was excellent, one who was very good, and one who sucked. The one who sucked was actually the one we might consider the "most credentialed" - a medical doctor, recommended by a trusted source. She couldn't keep her own personal shiz out of the therapy sessions, so I fired her. Had she been my first therapist, would I have been soured on therapy? Quite possibly. But she wasn't, and I'm not.

As to the temper tantrums, I've no doubt you've seen NTs in relationships have tantrums. But the key concept I'm trying to get across is - are they in happy, healthy, productive relationships? All relationships are not created equal....they're just not. One of my brothers, while not Aspie, certainly has had quite a problem with rage. He's on wife #3. He's charming, good looking, successful....and he's on wife #3. That's not my definition of success.

I definitely think if you want to have a good relationship, you have to express anger in a healthy way. Everybody gets angry, but having a tantrum because you're angry is generally unacceptable. I knew a guy who's ex-wife once had him arrested because he wouldn't concede an argument to her. So she called the police, and when the police arrived at their house, she told the cops that he'd hit her. The cops must have had their doubts, because they didn't arrest him. However, they did force him to leave, and followed him around his house as he collected his things to do so....and all of this took place in front of his two young children (and of course, his neighbors - who are the parents of his children's playmates - who saw the cops there....nice, huh?). That's one helluva temper tantrum. And the lesson he learned from this horrific event? He shouldn't try to win an argument with his wife. Umm....WTF? Had he been working on his own issues, he would have realized that his wife was freaking crazy, and he needed to get out and stay out.

Again, I'm trying to point out ways that you can prepare yourself to have a healthy, happy, productive relationship. Not what passes for a relationship in many cases - regardless of whether there are Aspies, NTs, or Aspie/NTs involved. If you've got a lot of dysfunctional stuff to work through, yes you can still have a relationship. Odds are, it's going to be dysfunctional, unhappy, damaging, and fleeting. What really strikes me about a lot of stories I read here is a willingness to settle for anything within the context of a relationship - because it's a relationship. Look, you can always settle. People do it every day. They settle for abuse, they settle for carelessness, they settle for people who treat them badly. I'm trying to encourage people not to settle.

Yes, Asperger's is a challenge in intimate relationships, but it's nothing compared to abuse and dysfunction. Abuse and dysfunction can make a person feel like "damaged goods" - and that can cause one to make bad choices. If you can work on gaining coping and communication skills, that will go a long way toward addressing a lot of the impacts of Asperger's. But if you abuse, or you accept abuse - because you've been abused - you need to do whatever it takes to stop that pattern. Until you do that, it's very unlikely you'll attract a healthy partner. And if you somehow manage to attract one, it will be extremely difficult to keep them. Healthy people don't settle.

@Descartes30 - I just want to give you a big hug....I know you've had some difficult experiences. I'm absolutely not suggesting that you shouldn't have had your first marriage, or that you didn't get some positive and wonderful experiences out of it. But if you and she had been a bit healthier, maybe you would have found a way to grow together as a couple, rather than apart?

I'm honestly just trying to suggest that if you address the issues from your childhood, you may find that it's easier to attract a mate, and/or be in a healthy relationship with a mate. I agree that there is always hope, but there are also practical steps you can take to help hope along. I don't think you should wall yourself off from love or relationships if you've got issues. But I am saying that those issues can't be compartmentalized. They seep into your adult relationships. And the really lousy part is that you are the only person on the planet who can resolve those issues. A woman can give you all the love in the world - if you not in a place to receive it, it won't make a difference. Yes, a mate can help you along, but it's your own willingness to accept help and guidance that has the most impact on your mate's efforts.

I don't really think of your post as a counter-argument....just another perspective. I guess the biggest difference between our perspectives is that I see your emotional state as something that can be changed. I really believe that. And trust me, I understand being alone, abused, unloved. But I'm not in that place any longer. I tried a lot of different approaches to get away from that place - some worked, some didn't. I'm still trying different things. That's my hope for you really, that you'll keep trying ways to heal until you find something that helps.

@Shadwell - Thanks. Have you ever tried Al-Anon? There can be tremendous healing at Al-Anon meetings, because they are your people, you know? They are people who understand everything you've been through with your parents, cause they went through it, too. Losing both your parents at such a young age is tragic, but to lose them so unnecessarily....what's beyond tragic? I'm at a loss for words.

I wish you well on your journey.

I haven't have a "meltdown" (I like that term!) for many years now. My coping skills have developed to the point where I can usually escape before I hit boiling point. Except for one time, and it's rather a coincidence that you've mentioned alcoholism, because this was part of it.

I find it hard to get angry about things. I think it actually scares me, because I know how violent I can get if I blow up, and this only makes it all the worse when there IS an explosion. A while ago, my partner started drinking a lot. At first he was hiding it from me, and then when it became clear I knew about it he got a lot more open about it - and drank a lot more as a consequence. One night he got nasty, I got panicky, said something he took offence to and he got very aggressive, banging doors and shouting at me. He said he wanted me to leave. I had nowhere to go, no way to calm down - this time was different. It wasn't anger so much as sheer panic, but even so it was highly unpleasant.

This was months ago, and I'm shaking again as I'm typing...

Eventually I had to call an ambulance, the police turned up too, the whole thing calmed down and since then he's been in treatment and is off the drink. So good news all round there. But I still remember that, if I hadn't managed to regain control, I could very well have done him serious injury. Part of me actually wanted him dead.

No wonder it scared me...

I could, most people I don't like enough ever to get to know
so...who knows yet

I'm a textbook example of this, trust me.LOL I also agree with everything you said. My problem, is that I'm impatient. After years of being, um....beyond 'fixer-upper', it's almost impossible to not want to try to have a relationship, after making a bunch of improvements to myself, mentally, socially, romantically, etc.....So, I guess I chose to finish my "rehabilitation" by doing it 'hands on', so to speak.lol Although it can be hell, it's a good way to boost the 'speed of progress' of those final steps in the learning process, IMO.


What sucks, is that potential 'life partners' can be lost, becoming 'stepping stones' in this learning process. Damn impatience.

yes

HG, great original post as usual.

What I'd add though - especially once a person is actively doing everything they can to help themselves, there's yet another level of truth that hits both higher functioning NT's and Aspies alike: the people that we strike out with the most often is ourselves. This is just to say that we have different life experiences, different desires in a partner, different degrees of opportunities around us, and especially for anyone who has dated a fair amount and as much as they hated it been the person much more often closing things down - it gets to be quite obvious that our hardest luck is with standards that we inherently have and often enough can even seem foolish to us but which we realize, if attraction and fluidity of interaction or emotional exchange with someone is dampened, it means that the possibility of a long term relationship is damaged in that situation because - if you're not fully attracted or find yourself feeling ambivalent toward someone it means that you ultimately can't treat them the way you know they deserve to be treated (particularly if you formed a high opinion of them on a social level).

The answer to that one though is as diverse as the types of people involved and usually there is no one or two answers that can guarantee anything.


As for the post topic? My answer to that - yes, easily, and I've met people who could. I just hope, as explained above, that better luck with myself can come as I grow in experience and wisdom.

HopeGrows' threads, responses, and writings make me all hot & bothered.