"I'm busy"

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I've asked girls out and they've said "I'm busy." Later I learned that they really mean "I'm not interested." I still had trouble accepting that. Because I have Asperger's, I presume that people mean what they say. Has anyone else had this problem in their dating lives?

Yes, and the busy excuse confuses me, because it seems to imply that another time would be fine. Why not just say "No, I don't wish to pursue a relationship with you?" If "I'm busy" is supposed to imply rejection, it doesn't seem like you're sparing anyone's feelings by using it.

Not to mention it makes me look bad when I wouldn't mind going out with someone but am truly busy.

I have had that happen before. She mentioned she was so busy that she could only e-mail me once a month, but she was on MySpace every day. She eventually cut contact. Also, she used to be very open and friendly, but she became secretive and standoffish.

i want to time travel back to the fiftys. women back then were so much easier to deal with. pre womens lib. they understood looking femine isnt necessiarly a bad thing. none of this im busy crap at least they were honest

Yeah, it's like you're supposed to instinctively know what someone is thinking without them having to tell you/

I think most people do know what they mean instinctively.

It's not my problem though, another advantage of my romance free lifestyle.

You just described the closest I got to kissing a girl, and I use the term girl, I think this is a childish response because some people don't know what busy is.

"I'm busy" is a classic rejection response. If she's interested in you, she'd make time.

If she really really is too busy, she may add "I'd love to do something like this later" or something to that effect. Otherwise I'd just take it as a rejection.

it's a code. people tell you they are 'flattered', that means get lost. I hate that one the worst because it's like saying what you said is invalid.

I have gotten that except it be from my friends and I don't buy it. If they are so busy, why be on IM? I would hear from them again eventually if they were busy because they wouldn't be anymore.
Also if they are so busy, why be on here posting? But some people do genuinely mean it and it's hard to tell. One aspie friend told me here she has been busy and I figured I scared her off but she finally sent me a PM so I knew I didn't scare her off.

when people say they are busy, and they go online posting stuff, it means that they don't want to talk to you and they are lying. It hurts it know

OK, here are translations for the infamous "I'm busy" phrase. Think of it as a programming language of sorts. Let's say you're want to print out numbers 1 thru 50, with one per line, increasing by 1 each time.

So, when you enter it into a Java compiler, you're not going to enter:
Display numbers 1 thru 50 on the screen, one per line, increasing by 1 each time.
Instead, you're going to enter:
for(int k = 1; k <= 50; k++) { System.out.println(k + '\n'); } // '\n' means new line

Similarly, the phrases girls/women use translate as follows:
"I'm busy" and saying nothing else = "I'm not interested in you, so don't ask anymore."
"I'm busy" followed by a counteroffer = "I'm busy for real, but I'm free at another time."

I have with guys in the past. The one time I tried to pursue a man he kept giving me the brush off but I had no idea because he kept saying suff like, "maybe" or "I'm busy". Instead of: "I come from a strict japanese family and can't really date you since you are not also Japanese- even though I enjoy your company and would probably enjoy going out." I found out this was the reason later because he told a mutual friend. I would have totally been fine with that from the beginning IF he had said so. But instead he kept beating around the bush and I kept pursuing- which made me out to look crazy o.0 Luckily it's not like I was in love with the guy. Just thought he was attractive somewhat and funny. I found a better guy for me later (who is also an "Aspie") And we're very happy.

IDK, the only thing that worked for me was online dating (where I met my husband)- so that I could just get to the point and weed out the people who didn't seem to understand me (or those I in turn did not understand). I was brutally honest about myself and about those who contacted me. Before I think guys dated me for my looks, at first I think some mistook my "kooky" ways as me being a "Ditz", but when they got to know my personality (and my shortcomings- social awkwardness and my "know-it-all" way of speaking) it really caused a lot of issues. They would try to keep me around as a "trophy" to show off- but I talk a lot and can be very intimidating apparently (I've been told). So it would end badly. So, just like anyone else I guess I needed to find someone who understood me.

What I've come to understand is that if you don't get some kind of positive, you may as well consider it rejection. For instance, if he/she is indeed too busy to date at a given time, they will try to make it up to you by planning something in the near future. They'll give you some means of staying in touch, or genuinely trying to get you to understand that they are in fact interested. Otherwise, they mean to imply that you shouldn't bother asking the question anymore. That's what I go by at least.

Would it be different if you didn't have aspergers? In future, if someone says that, can't you presume from now on that they aren't interested? If they are interested and actually busy, they would say "I'm busy but I can meet at this time or day" If they just say "Im busy" its easy to just assume thats a no.

What absolute nonsense. Ask your grandparents. The "I'm busy" code (and all other codes) pre-dates women's lib and actually was used more extensively back then. Because women were required to be "feminine", they had to be a lot more careful to never come acrosss as (female dog) which means they often had to be less honest. My mother, who dated during the 50's and used these codes out of necessity as did all girls, often told me I had it so much easier dating in the 80's. More honesty.