Why do some guys feel that happiness is dependant on love?

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The reason why I pose this question is because I've observed some guys I know chase after women in an attempt to satisfy their own emotional (or physical) needs via a relationship. They try innocently enough by talking to women they are attracted to. However, their biggest mistake is that they hover around the women they are attracted to and spend way too much time talking to them. They don't give the object of their space, and they follow the girl around in the same manner a dog follows his owner when the owner has a doggy treat in his hand.

I know this paragraph above is a bit random, but I'll tie it in. I know there are a lot of lonely hearts out there, and many of you are searching for relationships with women. I used to be the same way, pursuing relationships through various means.

However, I've come to the personal realization that I don't NEED women romantically to be happy. Being in a relationship is NOT going to make my life like a wonderful fairy-tale ending. In actuality, it would most likely complicate things.

That doesn't mean I'm not attracted to women, I am attracted to them at times, but I realize that they have no power over me, I'm not a dog bound by internal instincts or desires to chase after women. In fact, I don't think women should be chased after because a.) they aren't worth the effort we put into pursuing them, and b.) by chasing after them, we come across as needy and desperate to them, thus ruining our chances of success with them.

I wonder why a lot of guys, autistic or not, chase after women like they are some coveted prize.
I know my view of things are extreme, but I believe there is an extremely unnesscary sense of reliance on women romantically for happiness. Personally, when I realized (and it took me a long time and a lot of bad experiences to realize) that I was stronger than my desire for women, I felt free and liberated from the obligation of trying to pursue them. I believe if I could do it, so can other guys who feel like they have to be with a woman romantically to be happy.

Thoughts???

Love is a big part of happiness. It's an empty spot for me that I'm hoping that special someone will fill. It's a hard feeling to explain.

They are different than you are. Just because you are the most important person to yourself does not mean that everyone has to feel the same way. There is room for all types of people. If you don't think love is integral to your happiness or is not important, then feel free to not pursue it. But don't expect that you can change other people's minds about it, just like they shouldn't expect to change yours.

life without love is empty. but the love that comes from one's fellow human beings is conditional, with lots of strings attached. so as far as i am concerned, that is a bit underwhelming. being able to love and accept oneself, flaws and all, is the most important thing anybody can learn. only when one can love oneself can that person begin to learn to love somebody else, with their whole heart, flaws and all. otherwise, there will be so many conditional requirements [e.g., he has to be mr. status moneybags and handsome, she has to be curvy sexy trophy wife] that the loving becomes superficial, a charade.

AutisticMalcontent, your views are not extreme at all. They are mature, balanced and reasonable. I wish I had come to those realizations years before I did, I'd have spent a lot less time brokenhearted and traumatized, and a lot more time enjoying the female people around me as people, rather than mystical prizes certain to dispel all negativity from my life forever.

You're absolutely correct that a romantic relationship does nothing to cure any ill in one's life, or make a person more content, or relaxed, or give them any kind of peace of mind, and as often as not, has precisely the opposite of those effects on every level. Every sweet relationship is an excruciating broken heart waiting to happen.

That's not to say that all relationships are bad, that's not true. But pining, aching, wishing, obsessing over 'whHhyYyyYy can't I have a girlfriend? Oh, WhHhHhyy!?! I'm sOoOoOooooO alone....' is going to attract a partner into your life as fast as having fresh dogsh*t on your shoe. No woman wants to get sucked in to a relationship with someone who's clingy, jealous, obsessive, who allows her no space to breathe and have a life of her own because he's afraid if he lets her out of his sight, she'll R-U-N-N-O-F-T with someone better than him and he'll once again be alloOoOone forever. Ya know how I know this is true? I was that guy and I couldn't have had worse luck if I'd been wearing Chick Repellent. Actually, I was wearing Chick Repellent - it's called Eau de Desperation.

And that horrible luck only changed when, like you, I came (ever so gradually) to the realization that I didn't have to have the ivy covered cottage and the white picket fence to be able to enjoy my life. Of course it helped that I also began to realize that I wasn't the homely loser I'd always seen when I looked in the mirror, that the girls actually thought I was cute, but I was kinda creepy and off-putting because of the desperate attitude. Once I lightened up, I didn't even have to become a suave playa - the girls started hitting on me!

I keep trying to get this message across to the whiners who continually post that life isn't worth living without a girlfriend, but I'm beginning to think it's just another symptom of being an Aspie, that you have to learn that lesson the hard way. Take a chill pill, brothers. I think that's the major reason why so many girls like the jerks and the bad boys when they're younger - they know that guy isn't planning on staying around anyway, so he's safe to have fun with, without having to worry about getting chained down to anything.

My thoughts are almost the same as yours. I'm a girl, and it has always been impossible for me to understand the importance my friends placed on their relationships. I just don't understand the 'I can't live without you' attitude. I just can't imagine living my life for another person. I've had relationships, and I've had feelings for guys before, I just don't want to revolve my life around them like that. I know several people around 18 or 19 years of age who are saying they are engaged and are planning their lives based on what their partners want to do, and it just makes no sense to me at all.

I remember my first relationship at 15 years old...my boyfriend wanted me to promise to marry him. He told me he wanted to give me his heart. I told him we were too young to be making promises to stay together forever, and he needed to keep his heart for the meantime. Lol. He is 'engaged' to a new girl now, I guess she's taken his heart off my hands

Because they haven't had 'love' and they think they haven't felt 'happiness.' Once they fall 'in ' love they think they will have happiness, and you know, they are right. However love is not constant and when they fall 'out' of love they will find the flip side of happiness, which is not as fun. After a while, when the 'not as fun' subsides they will realize that they were mostly happier when they weren't on the roller coaster ride of being 'in' love. That is called 'wisdom'.

Then they can have a bit more caution and understanding about what 'love' is and not see it as a panacea for what ever troubles and problems they might have.

Women have this too. They think some knight in shining armor (tm) is going to change their lives and take them away from all their boredom and happiness will be theirs. Same thing applies.

edited.

just realized this thread was only for guys.

Last edited by MissConstrue on 05 Apr 2010, 1:10 am, edited 2 times in total.

love isn't happiness , it's just a myth. In the end, love is difficult and frought with many perils. Unfortunately, modern society is not conducive to the kind of love that endures. Adult love is conditional, and carries real risk like divorce , kids, and seriously hurt feelings when things go south. Money, technology , pop culture, work, our collective greed and narcissism, all conspire against our chances of long term love. AS is just the icing on the cake. So if you're single , you really aren't as bad off as you might think.

I was using my experiences as an example. I understand what you're saying, what works for me may not work for everyone else, because everyone else is different. I understand, but I'm throwing an idea out there for possible consideration.

Romantic love is not integral to my happiness, however I will say that it is my personal opinion that if a guy spends all his time and effort looking for love, and is simultaneously making himself miserable and more alone by pursuing it, it would be better for him to stop pursuing than for him to continue hurting himself. Obviously, if someone pursues love that strongly, there is something wrong, perhaps an internal insecurity or an unmet emotional need that governs their lives.

In my opinion, it is better to be true to yourself and accept your shortcomings than to have your life driven and controlled by something that either a.) proves unsuccessful or b.) causes you unesscary physical or emotional pain.

Whether other guys accept this idea or not is up to them, I'm just putting my two cents out there.

, I find your analysis of love both pessimistic and refreshing. But what you said holds a lot of truth, love nowadays is VERY conditional, and the stakes are high. You also made some very good points with all the things that distract us in the pursuit of long term love.

Being alone is not bad- as long as you have things to fill your time up with (and as long as those things bring you a sense of worth and fun).

You know, I've always found it interesting how slightly autistic people like ourselves perceive things, and how neurotypical people percieve things. Being autistic doesn't mean we are devoid of emotion, we do feel emotion, however I believe that because we have a hard time understandly other people's body language and verbal emotion cues, we rely on logic more as opposed to emotion. The only thing I can compare it to would be the new Star Trek movie, in which Spock is half human/half Vulcan. He maintains human emotions, however his Vulcan upbringing made him resort to logic, which is rational, as opposed to emotions, which clouds judgement and distorts ideas and beliefs. Yeah, I know, I'm a nerd

I understand what you mean when you talk about not understanding the importance of relationships. I don't understand them either, because when you apply logic to it, love (or relationships) don't make sense. You are talking about two individual who mutually consent to bond together emotionally (and physically as well), and are willing to disclose all personal feelings, thoughts, ideas, secrets, and beliefs with each other. All insecurities are told or later exposed, and it is at these points you are most vulnerable and defenseless. Logically, you want to perserve your self esteem and sense of identity, you don't want to be in a position of vulnerability.

The only reason for doing this is because of emotion, namely love. The Bible describes it best in 1st John 4:8 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love". That's my take of it at least.

For however people get there (rambling introspection, bad personal experience, read it online), you're right. No one person is going to make you happy IF you can not be happy with/by yourself.



Well, it's actually fun. You do it (chase / pursue women) when you have nothing better to do or when you want to. Nothing should prevent you from participating in 'the chase', just realize you don't have to play that game.



Lack of understanding of what can/will make them happy. When you lack money, you think money will make you happy. When you live a lonely solitary existence, you think someone will complete you. When your job sucks, you think the next job will be better.



Not really extreme. It also applies to both sexes.



Good, cut the cord and realize you can live outside of preconceived notions. Don't take anything for granted or assume 'authority' (society, teachers, parents, norms) are right.

I think its pretty easy to figure out - the two big reasons are society (its take on guys who don't think from the waist or even worse cease to in self-defense) and the daily effects of living with testosterone, its a pretty mean chemical and it typically doesn't let you off the hook often.

Society, (no matter if you think it is changing or has changed) sees a single man differently than they do a mated man.

I am talking about men and women, here. A man with a woman is validated on a lot of levels.
The idea is simple: If a woman meets a strange man any where in the world, she has no basis on which to form an opinion of him. He can be a high-quality mate, or he can be a low-quality mate; she just doesn’t know unless, of course, she identifies something from her culture or society that would indicate, but only if she knows what that means! If she was in the Amazon rain forest a desirable mate would have a different 'display' than in a desert nomadic tribe for instance.

However, if he has a wife, that means that at least one woman, who presumably closely inspected his quality before marrying him, found him good enough to marry. So he couldn’t be that bad after all; at least one woman found him desirable. So being married (the presence of a wife) is one cross-culturally transportable ornamentation or lekking* device that signifies men’s superior mate value. These men are more highly situated in the pecking order of society.


*A lek is a gathering of males, of certain animal species, for the purposes of competitive mating display.

I have no idea why some guys would think that. Don't they know that happiness depends on video games? Geez!