Constructive criticism needed please.

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Ok, I'm terrified doing this, but I guess it has to be done.

A couple of days ago, Pezar was asking about what was wrong with his profile on a dating site, so I guess I'm ripping off his idea by asking this.

Last week, I joined okcupid.com and placed an ad but I couldn't really think of much to say. So I ended up putting a lot of absurd nonsense that I (and probably only I) found humorous in my profile. I really don't know what to enter, or how to put it if I did know, etc. .

Also, I posted a horrible webcam photo of my disgustingly offensive mug, somehow overcoming my nearly hysterical fear of:

a. Being photographed.
&
b. People seeing those photos.


And, somehow it gets worse...

I didn't see many profiles that interested me in any way whatsoever, but one stood out from the rest. One woman's profile seemed to be...well I don't know how to describe it other than amazing. Well I ended up sending her an incoherent, possibly rambling message (if you're a member here, sorry).


What should I do?

If anything can be done.

Last edited by PrisonerZero on 19 Apr 2010, 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This line is the absolute killer "Since no one will see this, let alone contact me, I might as well have some 'fun' with this."

That is signaling that you are not even going to take an invitation seriously if you get one. Maybe not what you mean, but people are irrational when reading other people's intentions.

If you read through my post on the prior thread, then you could apply a lot of the ideas in there(if not the specifics) to apply to your own profile.

You'll need to attempt to look at your profile from a different perspective:
Pretend you're an attractive lady on that site. You log in, and, as usual, you have 24 billion and a half messages from guys trying to get your attention. Out of those 24 billion messages & profiles, you're going to look through a handful of them. Maybe you'll respond to two or three of them today, if you're feeling patient. How would you choose that handful to read? And how would you choose which you feel like replying back to?

Although it may seem very nebulous, it's actually pretty concrete.

First, you will read the messages of the most good-looking, or otherwise evocative pictures. You'll delete all the rest, otherwise you'll accidentally mix this batch of 24 billion up with tomorrow's batch of 24 billion, and that'd be quite annoying, wouldn't it?

Next, you read the first paragraph, and only the first paragraph of the profiles, because if you read through all of them that'd take forever. There's gonna be a couple profiles with really fun/interesting/hot intro's. Those are the ones where you read all of it.

And that's good enough for now, pretend-time is over. We've learned a lot right there.
Although yes, I am exaggerating(somewhat), and presenting a fairly blasé view of the imagined lady's attitude, it nonetheless helps to be prepared for the most stringent situation in order to best help your chances.

Anyways, clearly the most important part is your picture. I'm sorry that you're not good with pictures, but tough luck. Shape it up if you want any attention. You should have a fresh haircut, the picture should be well lit, we should be able to see a bit more than just your face(else it looks like you're trying to obscure your figure), you should be wearing attractive clothes, you should be smiling (or at least look friendly), and you should not have taken the picture yourself.

Also note that the types of pictures that tend to get the best response are taken while you're doing something instead of posing and looking at the camera, such as laughing at a joke with some friends, not focused on the camera. Basically sort of like the Tom picture from MySpace (although it's not exactly the best picture).

Also, make sure your intro section is a finely crafted sculpture of brief, evocative, sexy, brief, admirable, inspiring, brief, novel, fun, and brief perfection. That's a tough one, because there's a lot that you want to intimate or hint at within hopefully only like 2 short paragraphs.

It should include references to the qualities that women are interested in which you exhibit. There are threads all over this forum describing the personality, behavior and life elements that women are interested in so hopefully you wont feel too broke for ideas.
The recent thread about 'what turns you on' should be an easy source of ideas.

If you can't think of anything evocative about yourself to say, if you can think of a little bit that's good, if you can't make your profile pleasant to read or basically interesting to the opposite sex, I suggest ending your membership, and to stop thinking about dating.

I'm serious.
Because if you're that negative, and that disconnected, then getting a date wont help you get a girlfriend. You will need to focus on improving your life to the point that you have lots about you that's good to say.

a lot of people like myself have thrown in the towel just like that. improving one's life sufficient to become proper mate material might as well belong in the same category as winning the lotto, for the most part - mostly unattainable. if i could do that i wouldn't need a GD'd dating service in the first place!

Thanks for replying guys.

I don't know how to do any of that. It would probably be easier to train an ant to recite Shakespeare.





And you're right, I should give up all hope.

All of it seems unattractive to me, its either self defeating or negative.

The self summary is the first thing someone sees after your pic.

1) Refering to your town as a "cesspool" Is the first mistake. It will not atract locals. You have the power to shift if you hate it and they will see it as weak and non self helping that you don't.
2) Second part imples you're boring
3) Last part would make 99% of women click the next button straight away.



Not selling yourself. You don't sell something by telling people how useless and crap it is.



Very off putting

Mentioning your political beliefis probably isn't a good move.



Telling people what they should believe is putting them in agressive mode

Also no-one likes boredom, your profile almost seems like you're trolling. Even if you aren't a positive person, at least try not to radiate negativity from it?

You're misunderstanding.

What I mean is that women choose men based on their merits. If you are having trouble listing your merits, then focusing on improving or gaining those merits will give you some sense of pride, and you will find it much easier to talk about yourself in a positive light.

Moreover, it's not ever impossible to improve one's merits.
You can gain insights into the social world through practice and research, despite autism.
You can improve your health and fitness.
You can improve your outward presentation via paying more attention to wardrobe, hygiene, posture, gait, conversational skill, etc.
You can improve your confidence by doing things you're proud of.
You can improve your outlook and attitude with focused effort or counseling.
And on, and on, and on.

So, no, you are wrong, it's not like training an ant to recite Shakespeare.
Yes, it's difficult, and time consuming, but with focus, and help, you will have success. If you find people to help you (like us on the forums), if monitor your perspective, if you read websites and books, if you watch videos, if you create plans, if you forge good habits, and if you persist.

And then you reap the rewards. If you're not sure how to go about a particular subject(any of them), then you just make a thread, or read other peoples' threads on the topic, or do a search on the web(btw, the 'Love Links List' thread is very good for this sort of thing...).
This forum is full of people glad to give help. while they also receive it themselves.

However, all of that was originally predicated on a particular 'if'. If you cannot think of good things to say about yourself, then you should not focus on trying to get a date, and should instead focus on being able to say good things about yourself.
If you do have good things to say, well, then there ya go.

But if you're instead dead set on wallowing in self-pity, at the expense of effort, rational thought, and growth, and you prefer to simply give up, well, then cya.

And if not, then I aim to help.


I respectfully disagree.
If one improves their life, habits, and character, then their merits increase, and their chances of attracting(and keeping) someone get better. And it is always possible to improve one's self. There is always a step within reach.
Sometimes it takes help, though, and a critical eye, and maybe a perspective shift.

Heck, if I had a paranoid fear and I was able to get over it, I'd be in an euphoric state for weeks. And about the message...if it was cool, then she'll catch onto it in a positive manner. I read that some guy a while back applied for a McDonald's position and filled out garbage on the thing, well, anyways, they found out it was all false, but were put in such good spirits that they hired him anyways. I wish I knew where that article was.

Sorry, I do that a lot.



I don't want to do that, but I have no idea how to improve myself on my own.

I have just about zero social skills or even good self-esteem, and I very much doubt that I could learn either through books or videos, or even from here.

I'd need someone to interact with, in person, but I don't really know anybody impartial or that has the time.

Also, I deleted my account, not only because of my horrible profile, but because I hated the stupid ID I chose.

I'm sorry if I was harsh, btw.

I think you can. But I'd also recommend taking actions to follow up on the ideas you read from books and threads and such. That's how you forge good habits, and dismantle bad ones, through taking real actions, not just thinking and reading.
But we'll get into that when we run into a relevant topic...


Hm. That's a good point you raise - Some in-person feedback is helpful. Perhaps there's some local AS groups in your area? Getting together with other adults and talking about this stuff might help.

However, even if you did find a good group, you'll still need to get used to the idea that you are potentially your best coach in this particular matter. You'll want to commit to getting the most out of reading that you can. If you go into it with a defeatist attitude, your efforts wont go far. Make a hard commitment to yourself to work on this, swear it to yourself, and maybe begin formulating a plan.


I think this was a good idea, partly because of the ID.
Next time around, something more personable will help.
But also, if you focus on yourself for a couple months, and come back, you'll be far, far better armed than before. If you kept banging your head against the wall with dating right now, you'd simply grow bitter from frustration.
However it's important to not give up. Promise yourself that you'll 'come back to the table' and try to get into dating again, after having made strides to improve your outlook on your life.

As for how to proceed, I suggest figuring out what one thing to focus on first. It's probably an overwhelming pile of stuff that makes you unhappy, and it's hard to know where to begin(that was my experience, at least). You'll only make progress by mentally sorting and addressing problems one step at a time, one small task at a time, one topic at a time. When you are able to mentally separate problems into discreet, separate topics, then you can effectively address them. Perhaps even improve multiple topics at the same time.
We can help you parse these issues down into smaller, manageable pieces.

So from here, you might consider making a post dedicated to whatever you want to focus on first, or just skip to some reading on the topic, if you can find relevant threads, articles, or websites.

However, either way, I believe you should commit to at least reading two relevant articles/chapters/threads per day, every day. If it's a concrete plan, then there are conditions for success, and failure, and that way you will know when you're slipping and know how to avoid failure in that regard. If you're anything like me, slacking off and demoralization is your primary enemy. Combat those with rules, commitment, consequence, and routine.

I hope I'm not too obnoxiously annoying, here. I really just wanna help, that's all. But if I need to ease down, let me know. Sometimes I grab on like a rottweiler, and don't let go when I should, focus in too hard. I conveniently blame AS.

I am exceedingly boring. At least that's what 'normal' people I've met have told me.
Perhaps they're wrong?



Just a bit, but I needed it.





Thanks for the advice everyone.