how can I change my personality?

Post Reply New Topic

I want to know how I can change my personality so as to be more likeable and make people more happy.

People have often complained that Im too arrogant, bossy, controlling, aggressive, hostile etc. I do not see it myself as I dont feel like that but I do admit that I have a strong personality and can be somewhat harsh.

Its difficult as often people make those complaints as they want to get their way and do not have a better argument than that and can one beleive totally what someone else is saying when they are trying to manipulate one. So they might not be right. Also different people like different things and so someone else might value my character, for example Im sure Genghis Khans wife did not moan at him that he was too arrogant and hostile. But if that was so maybe I would have a friend or working relationship.

If I try very hard maybe I can not be so over bearing and can be more gentle, but if Im not being myself I will find the interactions a big strain and not enjoy them anyway.

I dont like to think of myself as someone who 'p**** whips' people, that makes me sad but I dont know any good solutions either.

don't try to change your personality. but do try to remember the golden rule as laid out since olden times- "do onto others as you would have others do onto yourself." or you could try the islamic version which roughly translates as "don't do onto others what you would not have done to yourself."
choose your battles, concentrating on things which affect your material well-being while putting ego battles on the back burner, IOW count to ten [or a thousand, if necessary] if another person is merely impertinent or thoughtless in any way that doesn't cost you any of your real money or your time or energy. other folks' opinions are as numerous as belly buttons, and the majority are equally insipid. so why waste your emotions and/or intellect on such? if somebody says something silly to you, why not just say to that person, "you know, you may be right!" and walk away - what would this cost you? words for words, i like to say.
if it is a workplace matter of being a manager of employees, just remember what it was like to work under a supervisor, before you bring a subordinate to task for anything.
____________________________________________________________________
just my 2-cents' worth, adjusted for inflation

I dont bother myself and do not think I behave in a way I would mind, I love discussions about things and would love to argue with me on things, I would not intimidate myself, Im not very sensitive at all so i would not notice any problem with me if I spoke to me. I can not picture my perspective from that of shy/nervous/sensitive people and see how they perceive me so that makes it hard to see what in particular is so scarey or intimidating about me, I dont shout or yell at people though I can raise my voice a bit when Im talking excitedly about things. Perhaps I should film myself so I can see whats it is that bothers them so.

I dont work so its not a problem with colleagues just for friends and lovers.

Yes I'm the same, I have a ridiculously loud New Zealand Accent and its not soft and feminine at all.

Personality wise, you seem like my sister. I don't know if you are worse or not as bad, but how are your hormone levels? Often that sort of behaviour is more related to hormones than personality.

You shouldn't have to change yoru personality, just find a way to tone down a bit and of course that other people have to comprimise.

I dont think it is hormones as Ive always been like this since I was a tiny child. I do tone it down as much as I can but people are still not happy. Its like I try my best but it is never good enough.

Perhaps if I ask the psychiatrist for respirodol it will make me more gentle and calm, Ive heard its very effective on people with ASDs. When I took clorpromazine in my teens it made me very chilled out (people then moaned that I was like a zombie lol no win!), maybe zoloft or something might help, make me less stressed and agitated?

This is a really tough subject. One thing that makes it so very tough is that very often the message isn't the problem, it's the presentation. In other words, how you say what you say. That doesn't translate into text very well, unfortunately.

Another big problem is that the specific situations you find yourself in could be a big part of it. If that's the case, then we can't get a very good idea of what's going on without even more detail. We'll need to try and sift through occasions till a pattern presents itself.

Are you aware of any patterns yet? What kind of times does this come up? Who does it come up with, who has told you this stuff, or seemed put-off by your manner?

One behavior I've noticed some people have is:
When discussing, debating, or arguing, they don't give any validation to the other person. Usually people will feel compelled to press their point(etc) until they feel secure that the other person understands them. That sense of being understood, that sense of validation, can be elusive if you skip straight to your own point, or refuting theirs, or denying them otherwise. The other person may not feel that you actually fully understood their point until you give a clue that you did.

For that reason, sometimes it's a good habit to verbally interpret the other person's point/stance/whatever before going on to your response. Usually it's just repeating back what they already told you, but using other words, or perhaps a different angle of that view, etc. Anything that'd make them say something like, "Yes, that's what I meant." If you do that, then they know you are fully receiving them, and can feel somewhat validated, even if you follow up with a reason why you disagree with the stated point.

In contrast, if the other person feels like their words and ideas are hitting a brick wall, and not getting even the smallest hint of purchase, it's very infuriating. One does not need to agree with them, but everyone wants to feel like their thoughts are somewhat valid, even if potentially incorrect.

In a similar vein, it's often a good idea to let go of a point, even if you're right, and walk back to a more compromising agreement. Usually the discussion isn't even that big of a deal, so you may as well drop it. The repercussions of heightened tensions via disagreement might not be worth the repercussions of acting on a sub-optimal decision.

This isn't so bad, because a lot of folks will continue to argue even after they've been convinced. They just don't know it yet. For instance, I've found myself shifting my stance after an argument took place, and never came up again, once I'd given the opposing ideas to sink in. Sometimes good ideas that cut through flawed logic are like seeds. Just drop them in, and walk away to give it time to grow.

For my part, I've occasionally found myself continuing to hold onto an argument, and getting continually frustrated, because the other person shot down my idea in such a way as to make me look stupid, or intimated that my idea was ret*d, or that I was ret*d for even thinking such. The other person's choice of words, presentation, etc is demeaning or belittling. At that point, my argument isn't to try and uphold my point so much as uphold the notion that I had valid reasons to think what I thought. Thus the argument persists, and I'm defensive, and things start going down hill from that point on.
So it'd be useful to watch out for times like that, and avoid them by never responding in such a way to make the other person look stupid. Usually this happens quite by accident, so it can be tough to spot. But it's a big source of bringing negative emotions into what could have otherwise be a more neutral discussion.

As for your worry about p-whipping a guy, bare in mind that such a thing is also the guy's fault for not drawing a fair line in the sand for himself. From your perspective, it can be hard to know where the line should be when the other person doesn't give you good feedback, or isn't paying attention. =op

So there's some ideas.

This is a very good idea.
Seems like it might be challenging to prepare. But since it seems that this phenomenon is affecting your relationships in a serious way, I think it deserves a lot of attention. I think you oughta try to make this a reality so that you can better work on it, and get help from others.


I'm gettin the impression that it's not your mood that's the problem. My first impression is that it's your conversational habits, combined with missing some social cues. But that's a very early impression, as there's not much to go on yet.

So, IMO, don't go to the meds so quick!

Also, you're really bad about run-on sentences. =op

can you give me an example of a run on sentance and tell me how it should have been written insted?

I agree its about converstaional habits and missing social cues (or misinterpreting them) but I still think meds might help as they might make me more relaxed, as often the problems occur when other things such as stress or anxiety makes my 'mask'/effort slip.

I have a big problem in lectures/workshops/talks as I tend to make the speakers feel stupid and infuriated as I ask questions or make points that is not alowed. I know its not ok but I really struggle to restrain myself form asking as I want to say what I think so much. Ive tried doing lots of workshops etc and not saying anything but I always slip up and end up doing it anyway. Interestingly at one where I was especially bad, correcting a pediatrition in his answer to someone elses question lots of times, the pediatritions actually liked me and approached me afterward for a good discussion.

With friends, its usually times when Im stressed as well so not performing well, I do not be considerate enough and not restrained enough in discussions. Im not good at letting other people say what they think, Im not a good listener and Im good at pointing out flaws in peoples logic and I will do even if its not a point of veiw Im opposed to, Im known for arguing if someone has flawed logic even if Im not interested in (or agree with) the subject/point itself at all.

With relationships Im very careing and thoughtful but very insensitive and not good at picking up on what the other wants if it is not something that bothers me. For example the other day the social worker was asking my ex boyfriend something and I was answering for him and he put his hand up (talk to the hand style) but I didnt even notice and continued to talk over him until the social worker told me to stop. I did not mind the SW telling me to stop but Im not likely to notice when Im breaching etiquette unless someone is direct enough to say exactly what Im doing wrong and be firm with me, Im not sensitive at all.

In general Im not good at considering what the person Im talking to is feeling and am more interested in people haveing the correct logic. Im not bothered about being wrong and am happy to be convinced on their point but Im not good at concedeing just because it makes them distressed, and Im unlikely to niotice that they are distressed anyway. Im not good at all of understanding why people would want to do illogical things or conciderig feelings, at all.

You sound exactly like me. I'm still working on it, but I think I've made headway - I think I've peeled a thousand layers of onion and finally reached the core. And it's this:

I beg permission to exist, I am tortured by lights and sound etc., I grovel to be included in stupid things that only morons would do (but the alternative is isolation) - I do this for decades - and then! I'm not good enough! Ker-BLOOIIIEEEE!! !!

So I'm going to try to work with a psychologist using EMDR and see if that'll help.

Good luck with yours! But don't blame yourself, please!

Why should you change your personality? It's not a personality thing, it's missing cues. A big cue was your ex raising his hand and you didn't see what it meant, thus kept talking.



If you can learn to read the cues a bit better, I think things may improve for you. For example, a person who suddenly crosses their arms may not be comfortable where the conversation is going (not in all cases but it's an example to consider). Another one to watch for is when a person has a hand on their hip creating a triangle shape, it can indicate annoyance sometimes (I have to watch myself with this one because I just find it comfortable to stand this way).

There's other stuff, if you think this may be the issue I can give you more cues, if you can learn them, I know that for some of us learning this kind of thing can be very hard.

Don't just request a medication because it works for other people. I was on rispiredol and it did nothing for me except make me fat.

When it comes down to it, some people are just not compatible personality wise. If you partner wants you to change all the time, they are not right for you.

Hell, if my sister can get a partner who accepts her, anyone can. She's the most servere person in this regard I have ever met, her stoppiness causes her to fall out with everyone, although hormones are also involved.

You can't change what you are, the most you can do is work on behaving in an appropriate manner, which all aspies stuggle with, and if thats not good enough for them, there is nothing you can do. They need to find someone else.

The old saying has some truth to it, even if not entirely true, a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

The most you can do is make those spots generally acceptable to most people.

I'm not sure, often just taking a breath before you say something might help?

To clarify, this is totally unrelated to the subject at hand, sorry if I made it seem otherwise.
They're sprinkled in there, though. I find myself slowly re-reading some sentences.

I doubt that questions are not allowed. Right there is an instance where your interpretation, or attitude, might be adversely affecting things. Most speakers enjoy questions, and most seminars that accept questions enjoy some limited debate(if there's time). The problem is possibly in your wording or tone?

In this example, your derision is noticeable via your assertion that they don't want questions. In asserting that, you are also stating that their professionalism, expertise, whatever, is not up to the level where they can 'handle' questions. This could easily be interpreted by them as a major insult. Although you probably didn't actually make that statement to anyone, if the statements you made carry similar undertones, then the results wouldn't be so good.

This is not something to be held back... Intellectual rigor is a huge gift. Your words probably just need some alterations.


That's pretty cool; some people have a thicker skin, and that's helpful. They're the exception, though. People tend to get insulted pretty easily.


That's pretty tricky. But at least you're aware of it. So do you only tend to recognize what happened in retrospect, or do you ever see that you're doing it 'in the moment?'

Either way, you recognize the cues, know what they are when you see them. So I suspect that scanning for, and noticing, the cues is the big deal. You're just not usually looking for them, and so you don't see them, even though you know what they look like and mean. I'm no expert, but I'll bet that your ability to scan for them can be improved through repetition. It seems to me that if you want to change this up, you'll need to devise a system, or maybe some exercises, to practice and get used to scanning for the cues.

Hey, maybe simply thinking about the problem a bit more will give you headway, who knows.

I don't understand what you mean, here. But it's good that you're not concerned about being wrong. A lot of people get pretty uptight about it.

Seems this is pure A.S. talking. And that's where my knowledge certainly doesn't make the cut, since I'm fairly new to this realm.

However, I'm pretty certain that you can become more sensitive to other people. I think you're simply not used to paying attention to the emotional angle. After all, why would you? It doesn't usually bare any logical, constructive purpose...
But other people do, and since you know that, maybe you can sorta train yourself to attempt look more in that direction. I'll bet it can be made into a habit, and even if you're not very good at it, it'll yield an overall improvement....

I'm guessing.

Another thing that could help, overall, is to try to curb generalized pessimism towards other people. Try to favor optimism instead (even if it seems utterly unfounded, lol). That will probably take some work, though.... A lot of suspension-of-disbelief. But it's worth a try, particularly since the potential payoff is pretty significant.

Last edited by Sound on 18 Apr 2010, 6:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

Its not that I did not know that raiseing his hand meant something, I did not even notice it, Im not sensitive at all, I can not notice such things. If I replay situations in my head later Imight notice that people were making grimaces but I would still not notice it at the time or be able to know what the expression meant.

It is a personality problem as its being a too fierce/assertive/strong personality, if I was able to be a quieter, more gentle personality the problem would not occur. For example my ex bf who also had aspergers also would not know when it was his turn in a conversation and might make people cross but because he is quiet and shy he does not make people cross as he does not interupt people with long monologues but keeps his mouth shut. Therefore he actually manages to have some people who like him and is able to work etc.

I am a loud aspie too, instead of being quiet, shy and reserved, I blurt out and talk at the top of my voice, butt in and say the most idiotic things.

I'm not compatible at all with the quiet kind of aspie.

Do you think this may be the case for you?

Maybe so, but I don't think this should be let go of so easily.
Particularly if it's a matter of what she's focusing on, and if that can be shifted.

I don't think her personality needs changing, simply adding or improving a habit to scan and notice things from the angle that she's not naturally prone to looking at.