Need advice about apologising to a girl

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okay there's this girl in my class.
she was my best friend in my first year of high school but in my second
year of school we had a falling out because of me .
Because of my aspergers I didn't know how to socialize properly
with people and I kinda messed up our friendship.
I think I'm in love with her. i have this feeling she's the "one".
But I'm also jealous of her because she has a lot of friends and she's sociable
unlike me. Anyways I have the feeling thats she's the one I'm supposed to spend
my life with. When I imagine myself married to someone in the future
it's always with her. she doesn't know i have aspergers though.
Nowone besides my family knows. After we fell out she gave me many
chances to get back friends with her.
Of course though I screwed that up too.
Now it's been nearly 10 months since I've spoken a word to her.
One of her friends told me she wanted to get back friends with me.
I guess it's because her mother recently died and she feels lonely , who knows.
I wrote her a big letter apologising for everthing and how I felt remorse
for everything I done. However I don't know if I should get back friends with her.
I mean if I get back friends with her I know I'll screw up our friendship again
even if I don't mean to. I really do love her and I care for her
but I don't want to upset her she really doesn't deserve that.
I am afraid of handing the letter to her aswell.
I mean I have it in my pocket everyday and I can't bring myself to give it to her.
Everytime i try to do it , it feels like my lungs have shrunk.
There's also something else. Deep inside my conscience
I blame her for the diagnosis of my aspergers even though it's not her fault.
So now I'm in some sort of limbo , hating and loving her.
I have to decide or else I'm going to go insane.

I think you should give the letter to her because you never know if she feels the same way until you do

MasterChief, I'm not trying to trivialise your emotions or feelings for this girl but I think you need to realise that right now, you are probably not this girl's priority, and she has enough on her plate without drama and long letters.

I know you want to bear your heart and get things off your chest, but now is not the time. When someone is already under huge emotional stress, the last thing they need is more of it. If you send her a long, emotionally charged letter, there is a high chance she will not respond and will avoid you.

If you are sorry, show it in your actions. She is probably deeply upset at her mum's death and needs support from her friends. Why not ask her for a coffee and see where it goes from there. Don't mention the falling out or anything like that; in the grand scale of things, it's not a big deal at the moment and can wait until much later, if you still feel you need to bring it up at all.

At the very least, send her a card or note saying that you are sorry her mother died.

says your 15, so your totally gonna hate this:
let it go.

long love letters will N O T work to your benefit for this simple reason:

a letter seems normal to an aspie, cus we're generally clueless.
in the NT world its weird, odd and maybe even creepy. it wont work.

let it go. relax. your obsessing about her.
get rid of the obsession, and start from 0 with someone else:

AND NO LETTERS.

i guess i was exgerrating when i said her mother died recently
I meant several months ago.
I'm also starting to think it's just an obsession not love.
I mean I think about this girl everyday i;m wondering if i'm
just going insane. I think this is just an unhealthy obsession
but I'm sure. your advice was very good Zegh. thanks

^^^PAY ATTENTION TO THIS^^^

You are clearly obsessive and needy (and very self-absorbed), but I can't save you from yourself. You're going to have to outgrow this on your own after years of soul-crushing heartache. Just like I did.

I will however implore you to leave this poor girl alone. When you have lost one of your parents, several months is not a sufficient time for anyone to assume you're 'over it'. Several YEARS is not enough, 'cause you NEVER really get over that. Believe me, you and your undying love are the last thing she has any interest in right now, and piling that clingy, needy obsessive stalker love on her will only convince her that you are already insane.

And honestly, if you're 15 and already having 'She's the one for ever and ever' fantasies...Dude...I am so sorry for you...because I know exactly what kind of living Hell awaits you until you are so beaten down and scarred and permanently damaged inside that you stop abusing yourself that way. Took me nearly thirty years. That's a long crucifixion.

I know a girl (friend of mine, part of the crowd I used to hang out with some 10 years ago or so) who lost her mother, and apparently her father had left them or something, so she only had her brother. Another friend of the group started dating her (or had already shortly before, can't remember), then some time later got her pregnant, and things went progressively worse from that. My opinion is that she was pretty vulnerable at the time or that wouldn't have happened. So, unless you don't really care about her, better don't start anything during such a time. Particularly if you're both 15, those two were already over 18 when that happened and neither was ready yet for the responsibility.

Not to interject, but why do a lot of young teenage boys, not just Aspie boys, have this false impression of love? They pick a girl in their class and get obsessed with her and think she sh*ts ice cream (I know from experience.)

I wish at age 15, I had just concentrated on my classes (I did well in the classes that came easy to me, and didn't try in the harder ones) and not worried about shallow girls in my class that just wanted the jock or upperclassman anyway.

Also, the girl I ended up dating, while I never thought she looked bad, I didn't even notice during high school, and the two girls I was obsessed with...one is fat and has a kid at age 25, the other is still attractive and but I have no attraction to her whatsoever, would even have to think twice about having no strings attached sex with her due to lack of interest, and I thought at different times both of these girls were "the one."

Don't fall into the same trap I did and obsess over high school girls for years. Concentrate on your grades, go to a state college and get laid your freshman or sophomore year and realize it isn't all you were making it out to be.

A couple of months is not enough time to get over losing your mother, I can't see how anyone can even begin to think it is!

Don't give her the letter, she has enough problems in her life without you causing more. Send her her card that says sorry you've lost a family member.

It seems really selfish tbh to think about your own wants when someone is going through such a hard time.

A real friend would be there for her though such a time. Are you a real friend? You need to make that decision.

Sooner or later you will realise anything that happens socially at school is pointless, but we won't worry about that for now.

I agree. If it were me, I would get in touch but make it about her loss, otherwise she will likely be hurt and offended. You could say something simple about how you're sorry that things have been strained between you and would really like to be there if she wants to talk. But don't say it unless you feel able to live up to it, kwim?