An Affair??/

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I have/had been dating a man with Asperger's for a year. We saw each other 3-4 x's a week (I'm in my 30's, he's a successful attorney in his 40's). In typical relationships I'm a VERY good read of my partner. Bam out of the blue he started seeing someone else. He was confused when I got upset (because I had mentioned weeks before perhaps he should date other people, since I was the only one he had dated since his marriage)... Am I using Asperger's as a way to make it okay that he cheated on me? He actually at this point isn't certain he wants to stop seeing her... and I'm not contacting him but he sends me emails... I"m so confused! And I'm really too old for this confusion!

Sounds like you were trying to say...
"Since you haven't seen anyone else since your marriage ended, you might not be in the best position to start a long-term relationship with me. Think about it and let me know if you want to stop our relationship so you can see other people".

But he heard..
"It's good for you to see other people. Since I'm not explicitly telling you to stop our relationship first, I'm giving implicit consent to do so even while in a relationship with me."

Ask him if he has a history of adultery. Ask him if he will commit to stop seeing the other woman and let him know that it hurt your feelings. If you a) really like him, b) don't get the sense it's a pattern of behavior, and c) do get the sense that he's sorry he hurt your feelings and is happy to oblige you, then it's probably worth another shot.

Of course I don't know him, but based on your report that he was surprised you were mad/hurt, and that aspies are generally guileless, he might just be really literal (an aspie trait) and thought you were recommending he date other women.

If you're kind of on the fence about liking him, ask yourself if you really want to spend your mental energy cracking the aspie code and learning to speak in his literal language. It might not be worth it. Even if it was a misunderstanding, it could be a sign of future misunderstandings. Relationships don't generally get LESS complicated as time passes, and someone out there isn't married to him anymore.

Well, not having been privy to the actual conversation referenced, I won't point fingers either way. One one hand, I don't think it's reasonable to use AS as an excuse for cheating. On the other, sometimes people say things they don't intend literally, and we do have a tendency to take people at the letter of their word, even when we are aware what they meant was either broader in intent or meant in a purely philosophical sense. "I know what you meant, but what you said was...so its your own fault for not being specific". Or for being too specific when you thought you could assume a wider net.

Again, I'm not condoning hurtful behavior, but I've made my mistakes and stepped in a few heaps of dog doo in my life, so I understand what can happen. Sometimes we hear what we want to hear because it makes things convenient in the moment. People, that is, not just Aspies.

And, if he understood you to mean that you wanted a haitus from the relationship...I've had someone break up with me on Sunday and want to get back together on Thursday...a lot can happen in three and a half days...

For whatever reason, it sounds like you're not looking for the same things out of a relationship at the moment. Whether it's an aversion to commitment, a mid-life crisis, or just a need for NSA sex, stability and monogamy don't seem to be what he's needing emotionally right now, and you're clearly on the other side of that fence. Unless you're up for nasty threeways, you should probably cut that one loose. Not that there's anything wrong with nasty threeways. But only you can make that decision.

"WE WERE ON A BREAK! !!" - Ross Geller

I'm curious why you opened this can of worms after a year? Clearly you're distraught over his decision... But why suggest it in the first place... Sounds like you're not content over something. I would be confused too.

Think both of you need to figure out what you want... But if he's not really interested in leaving the other relationship...

Umm, he's not cheating on you. He didn't start seeing this other woman, "out of the blue," - you told him you thought he should date other people - and he took your advice. This has nothing to do with Asperger's - if you'd told any NT guy he should date other people, he would have too.

It's not cheating if he's doing something you've agreed to, especially if it's something you've recommended. I don't think it's an issue of either of you using Asperger's to justify "cheating". But rather, you need to be careful not to blame his condition for your reaction to something you told him to do. One of the problems with disclosing autistic conditions to others is that unfavorable outcomes of situations and relationships, misunderstandings and the like, are likely to be ascribed to the autism, when in some instances the non-autistic person may be at least partly responsible.

Last edited by sgrannel on 10 Apr 2010, 3:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

you know, if it was me, I would read your statement as one of two possibilities.

Either

1) your level of interest in me is not such that you are interested in romantic exclusivity.

2) you are fine with pursuing open relationships.

Your bf's behavior is consistent with the advice you gave. And I suspect many men, aspie or no, would do as he did.

Sounds a total mess. I agree with some of the others that technically it's not cheating, but after going out a year, I think he should have had the decency to ask if you really meant what you said, and whether it was still okay before he embarked on it.

I think let him have the other woman and go find a better man.

If you thought telling him

was supposed to have him declare his monogamist feelings for you . .you need to read a book called

Loving Mr. Spock

It really makes no difference if he is Aspie or not, you gave him an out and he took it. That should tell you something, no?

Merle

He's an attorney and you gave him a loophole. I've done the same thing and been confused when confronted.

First of all, he didn't cheat on you. Cheating involves an element of deception. He told you about seeing the other woman without hiding it.

Forget about Asperger's. When you say "you should date other people", what do you think that could possibly mean? The reasonable choices are: a. "I'm not all that much into you" or b. "I don't give a @#$% if you date somebody else". Or both. You don't need to have AS to arrive to one of these choices.

You know, it is incredibly easy for a woman to keep the man she likes. All she needs to do is drop the f...ing BS and meet a few of his needs which are simple, easy and straightforward. A happy man would never look elsewhere. Instead, you chose to play one of the crappy mind games that seem to be popular with NTs.

False. Those with AS are no more nor less ethical than those without.

On behalf of NTs everywhere, thanks for the solid, @Sound. For the record, some of the crappiest mind games I've had played on me were played by Aspies.

Quite correct.

And I'm sorry, poster, but it's not cheating. Not only are you merely dating--and what, by the way, is dating? Sharing meals? Sharing movies/theater/etc? Going for walks? Not only is dating considerably weak in the commitment/exclusivity department, it's also terrifically ambiguous. You needn't answer and I'm certainly not judging/prying, but have you slept together? Telling him what you did after having been physically intimate is a whole different ballgame than saying the same thing in a non-physical relationship context. Then there's the fact that a year really isn't much more than a "start" and hardly representative of anything in particular.

Finally, even if you were inclined to discount what I've said, try telling a jilted spouse with substantive time and resources invested in a marriage, with/out kids, that you have experienced 'cheating' and and s/he will either laugh their butt off or maybe give you a smack!

No offense, but you sound just a bit immature...and confused. And if you're not, then you're "under the suspicions" as Inspector Clouseau would have said of being quite a player of mind games yourself. Your suggestion may have been quite wise and appropriate, I don't know because I don't know (or need to know) the details...but your reaction is frikking mindblowingly bewildering.

And how in the heck could/would ASD possibly have anything to do with the situation?

No....no....you sound like an immature or confused person at best...at worst....well, some things are best left unsaid.

I can tell you that if he's smart he'd bail right now because there's about a zillion red flags flapping in the breeze right now that he ought to be paying attention to.

Spoken as an Aspy who has been married to an NT for nearly 25 years, experienced quite a few potholes in the road along the way, got 1 adult kid and two others in HS, etc etc etc. I don't know everything, but I know that some soul-searching and honesty are in order as far as your views/questions are concerned. What I'm saying may sound harsh, but it's said with the intent to generate useful, durable insight, not cause harm.

Good luck and best wishes....I mean that even if you/others don't think that I do.