best way to deal with relationship problem

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Every few days my boyfriend sends me nasty texts, he ruminates on my faults and makes himself cross with me and then texts me telling me all the ways that Im annoying and 'not up to scratch'.

We have been together a year now and he has done this ever since the begining. It has led to numerous break ups as I get cross with his complaints and finish it or he sents a direct termination in his text.

Im not sure the best way to deal with it, Ive wondered whether getting drawn into an argument/defence or pleading is not good, as its giving him lots of attention for doing that and whether it would be better to ignore him when he is being like that.

should i beleive his nasty comments or should i believe it when he says he does not mean it?

most of the things he complains of are interactional style or personality style things which would be very difficult for me to change.

when I suggest we just try harder to not get back together he says he doesnt mean it and doesnt think those things but clearly he does or he wouldnt text the same stuff every time he is feeling insecure or in a grump.

any suggestions welcome.

This may sound harsh or judgemental (not my intention), but from what you have said, it sounds like your Boyfriend has a lot of deep insecurities that he is unwilling to face. Perhaps he is lashing out at his 'surroundings' by calumniating you, so as to divert himself from facing his own problems (speculative). Either way, it sounds like on some level, he feels that the relationship is not working, but is intimidated by the thought of being alone.

My thought is that if he were truely comfortable with himself, he would either accept you and care for you exactly the way you are - and precisely because of who you are or openly admit that it wasn't working and be comfortable moving on.

Regardless, it is unhealthy for anyone (esp. one on the spectrum) to be in a relationship with a partner who is persistently trying to change her. I am not going to tell you what to do, but if I were in a similar position, I would first attempt to adress the situation openly and objectively. If that failed to resolve it perminently, I would break it off, no matter how much it hurt me to do so.

Hopefully everything works out for you.

I have never put up with crap like that. I'm a sensitive person and only get involved with other considerate and sensitive people. If you want to continue this drama, go ahead -But Don't expect the situation to change. I suggest you just go find some new penis to distract you from getting back with him... Yeah thats my sensitive and considerate take on the matter,

I am prepared to put up with him being insecure and grumpy as I expect him to put up with my faults also. But he does not want to put up with my faults.

When we have tried splitting up we get very very sad and one of us always weakens and begs the other to get back. Even when we split up for over a month we were still very sad and did not get over it at all.

I think he is ambivalent and likes some aspects of me but finds other aspects very grateing.

Its a bad personality mix as he is more sensitive where as Im more stroppy and he is a bit frightened of confronting me on things which makes it difficult to find out his true feelings.

People do always say we should just stick to splitting up but that is unlikely to happen soon so it would be good to find some good ways to deal with the mean texts.

Dump him. Sorry, that's the only suggestion I can give.

Everyone has faults, but that does not give him the right to chip away at your self esteem like that. It would be different if the texts were about an argument you had or the way you had acted (even then, talking about it with you face to face would be more polite), but telling you that you, as a person, are annoying etc is just damn rude.

I'm sorry, but he doesn't like your personality or how you interact with people? Then why is he going out with you?? You are you and you shouldn't have to change your fundamental personality to fit some ideal that he has in his head.

As for whether you believe the texts or not.. I think you should not believe them in that they are the spiteful rantings of someone throwing a temper tantrum, but you should not see them simply as something 'he doesn't really mean'. He means them, at least when he's angry, and he keeps sending them even when he knows it distresses and hurts you.

Even if he denies it all when he's in a better mood, this behaviour is still appalling. He's an adult and should learn to not lash out. If you do decide to give him yet another chance, I would be inclined to give him an ultimatum, and really stick with it this time round (you say you've broken up on a few occasions, so he may have a hard time believing its for real). Tell him if he ever sends you abusive texts again, that's it.

And if he terminates the relationship himself, great! Move on, as quick as you can, and find someone better than this.

edit: just saw your reply above. I understand what you feel, about missing someone even though they are bad for you, but I really agree with what other people have told you. Break up, accept the heartbreak, sit it out and be done with it once and for all. If you think about it, if you'd stuck with the break up the first time it happened, you'd probably already be over him by now.

Yes he did agree to not send abuseive texts but now he says they are not abuseive but are just him standing up to my abusing him. Because the texts do not upset him he has trouble accepting that they upset me.

I cant imagine I would get on with anyone as well as we get on, we have all the same interests and similar values and beliefs. We are very close and affectionate and enjoy being together.

but sometimes I get grumpy from being over whelmed with every day problems such as multi tasking or the computer breaking and he views me being stressed or haveing a melt down as a personal attack on him (Ive not met anyone bothered about me being upset like he is). He then ruminates on it and sends the critical texts. I try very hard not to sound cross when things go wrong but Im only human so sometimes loose my temper, but he hates expressed emotion so much and it really gets to him.

I would not tollerate it and would finsih with him if everything else between us was not so good, but Ive not met soemone who I fitted with so well and I dont think I would again. I think he feels like that also so does not want to end it permanently.

Perhaps you should have a 'phones off' policy after every argument? If either of you want to say something, you should (calmly) say it to each other's face when you see each other at a later date.

when he goes home he says its all fine and he is happy and its ok, but then later or a few days later he will send angry/mean texts moaning about all the things Ive ever done wrong. I cant predict when he is going to do it, to know to turn my phone off, he will be sending nice texts and then 1/2 hour later start sending cross ones.

I thought about just getting rid of my phone so he cant message me at all, Im sure he would be terribly hurt if I blocked him on the phone and would just say that he wont text anymore and then text despite promicing.

I dont think he is able to say things to my face, i think when im there he is over whelmed by his feelings for me and is not so cross, its only later when he cant see me that he thinks about it and gets cross. Or he is intimidated by me and so is scared to say it to my face. whenever I bring it up face to face he denies holding any negative thoughts toward me or says he doesnt mind after all so it makes it hard to talk about it or get to the bottom of it. perhaps I will get rid of my phone.

Though Kaysea admits that his assessment is speculative, I must admit that it is likely terribly accurate. I, myself was in a relationship that scarily mirrors your own, and it went on for far too long. I ended up having his child, and that finally was the pushing point to make me break up with him for once and for all, and not take him back no matter what promises/apologies he made.

The one important thing that I have taken away from that experience is that the horrible things he had to say of me were not actually faults of my own, but as Kaysea suggested, a means to divert away from his own insecurities/flaws. It has taken me over a YEAR in therapy to get over the impact of his emotional/mental abuse, and finally regain some of the esteem I had before meeting him. I don't want to push you, or tell you what to do, but I feel a strange pain in my chest while reading your post, and considering that you could find yourself in any position similar to the one I had to go through.

If you really don't want to break up, it could at least be time to propose an ultimatum... If he's ever going to change the way he treats you, he needs to do it now. And if he's not willing to do what it takes (private or couples' counseling, whatever), then it's unlikely he will ever plan to make that change.

I'm terribly sorry that he treats you the way he does. But it's only yourself who can permit it.

Not trying to offend anyone but what he's doing sounds strangely like what many women do. Complain about every single thing you've ever done wrong.

If he's not offering constructive criticism and he's not trying to work out a solution to a relationship problem then yes his language is abusive. I do believe in second chance but it sounds like you've gone beyond that at this point. People rarely ever truly change, it's probably best to end it. These types of relationships never work out and imagine raising children with someone who's verbally abusive. Definitely not worth it.

Im not going to terminate the relationship.

Im sure there is a better way of dealing with the problem of mean texts than just terminateing the relationship.

The only way to "deal with the problem" would be for him to stop the behavior. Thing is, you are no more responsible for another's behavior, any more than you have control over it. i.e. - there is little to nothing you can do besides expressing your disapproval of his treatment of you, and trying to reason with him. But you can't force him to see reason. And he may just continue on with the behavior. At which point, it will simply be a matter of you deciding if it bothers you or not.

Well, I'm guessing he knows this is where you've drawn the line: you're not going to terminate the relationship over this behavior, which means you'll continue to tolerate the behavior. That said, since there's nothing you're willing to change about your behavior (assuming that might remedy the problem of him sending these texts), the only thing you can control is how you react to the behavior. If the only thing they accomplish is to hurt your feelings (and you're not prepared to acquiesce to whatever's in them) - why not just delete them without reading them? He'll have his opportunity to vent, and you can remain blissfully unhurt.

it sounds like an impulse control problem to me, HIS impulse control problem. My first instinct would be to remove the arena in which there is a problem, i.e. the texting, by blocking him and telling him you have done so. That you are willing to discuss the problems on a face to face level but that texting rants is ineffective and subject to misinterpretation. That your relationship problems are important enough to deal with on a face to face level. And see where that goes. Maybe he can get his privileges back after a certain time...and he will lose them again if he acts out again. He needs to try just writing or typing out his rants and not sending them. Ask him to do this and see if he gets any sense of relief from it. (because alot of people do). He may find it is unnecessary to actually send anything of this nature. I hope so because no one deserves this treatment.

Terminating means it is final, you haven't done that option yet.

This is not a spring chicken issue and people have consistently given you advice to end the relationship. Sometimes good advice isn't what people want to hear. You can sugar coat it, but tough decisions are exactly that.

The real question isn't what could you do, but why you are still in this position. This is a destructive cycle you are in, regardless of blame. The comparability isn't there. You both want different things. This is clear from your many posts on the subject. You are holding onto the idea of a relationship. Lack of compatibility is inevitable it is pointless prolonging bad relationships. I think you might hold the false belief that you have some responsibility to change this person. You may well believe and take his insults to heart, as you have hinted. But consider it is up to you to set your own limits anyway. Compromise is one thing, but that is something that you would want to do and should be rewarding. It seems to me this person doesn't take responsibility for himself, and doesn't learn anything. Saying he doesn't mean it is BS when he continues with the insults and it implies he has a dependence on abusive behaviour. You are self critical and lack confidence, he criticises you, makes excuses for his behaviour, and has you making excuses for him, and only mentions how he can change when he has run out of rope, with very little come out of it in the end. You should not feel guilty about moving on, that is the trap you are in.

Maybe you expect to get something out of a relationship which you can only get from your self, like self worth.

What you just described there, go to any women's support group for abusive relationships and tell them that and they will say he is an abuser. From what I know about abuse, a man who brings down someone's self-esteem to their level so that they can take control or feel better is your classic abuser, sometimes not doing it the same way as others but they all have their own unique style.

Take my word or not, what you described is all too familiar to me. If you don't believe me than don't believe me, carry on and do whatever you want to do, but don't believe his nasty texts for a nano-second!

You are a person capable of feeling however you want, but don't ever let someone control how you are going to feel.