Cheating: Men vs Women

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For years I've struggled to understand why--at least in American culture in particular if not Western culture in general--women who stray from committed relationships are generally given the benefit of the doubt as to their motives....but.....men who do so are generally viewed as contemptible dogs?

Put another way--why are women who have affairs (or even contemplate them) regarded as starving, neglected flowers simply seeking a little bit of sunshine in their lives but men who have (or contemplate) affairs are denied such considerational latitude? (I think I may have made up a word there... ) I know it's a complex subject with a considerable number of variables at work, but....?

I realize that "logistical practicalities" may factor into the equation, IE, the perception is that the poor woman may be theoretically slaving away at keeping the homefires burning (kids, home-making, etc), plus/minus working outside the home as well...while her counterpart in the relationship is thought to be out galavanting and cavorting in the big-wide-world. The implication is that she is sacrificing her own dreams and desires on the altar of domesticity to a "god" of safety/security who isn't going to be around in the end because he is going to end up abandoning her and riding off into the sunset.

Aren't men in committed relationships running the same risk of being "burned" though? Who says that the man is running any less of a risk that all of his hard work and sacrifice will come to naught and end up on a trash heap of broken dreams and hearts? What's the difference?

And how about the woman who views (correctly or incorrectly) the relationship that she is in to be intolerably constricting if not downright suffocating from an emotional/spiritual standpoint and subsequently "finds" herself at some point falling helplessly into the silky warmth and comfort of true love as brought into her cold dark world by a man other than the one she's ostensibly with? Whereas if it is the man who feels (again, correctly or not) lonely, neglected, abused, etc, he does not seem permitted to "find" himself falling helplessly and hopelessly in love with another woman who he has come to regard as his soulmate?

I'm thinking not only of what I have heard and seen in "real life" for the more than 40 years that I have been on this Earth, but of how these notions are treated in literature and in the media--it's tragic and/or intoxicatingly romantic for some poor woman to finally achieve some degree of happiness in an otherwise bleak world, but not so much the case for men. Bluntly stated, when the woman does it it's sweetness, light, rainbows, candy sprinkles and unicorns--or a tearjerking tragedy--but when the shoe is on the other foot and the man is the one harboring identical sentiments and motivations, well, it's just plain wrong.

Whatcha think?

It's usually attributed to motives. Even if cheating boils down to merely sex, I've heard men and women generally want different things from sex. I think the logic is that men are more apt to meaningless sex whereas women attach meaning or closeness to it. So if you apply that to cheating, it kind of points to men being somewhat frivolous and women seeking something of substance. Along these lines, if a woman cheats, it would mean there is something inherently wrong in the current situation which I would think could cause bigger issues in the current relationship than would a man making a momentary slip up... But then I can also see that motivation (for the woman) causing the people in the relationship to critically reevaluate things and try to move forward... moreso than just bltant cheating from boredom or something that developed for no real reason. I think this is why the women are looked down upon less for cheating.

I don't know though. Men and women both cheat for such reasons and plenty of others. I think that's just the generalization.

I think we are both inexperienced with women and afraid of them
for very silly imaginary reasons based on fictional situations.
If that is true, just don't get married with any anticipation of divorce.
And don't marry a stranger. And don't marry if you are concerned
about cheating. If for some reason you think you or your spouse
would divorce upon finding a perfect soulmate, just make a legal
agreement not to hurt each other upon divorce and to leave open
the possibility that either may and both agree should find greater
happiness if both believe it is possible. But the simplest thing to
do is don't marry if you think there will be cheating and divorce.

Swingers are , as I understand them, married people who agree
to open relationships as "not cheating"; they love each other
and permit affairs as polyamorous "needs". There is an example
of something real that should pop those daydream nightmare clouds
of doubt, unless you have fallen into a trap that has destroyed your
existing marriage and life already.

I have never even had a girlfriend so I am just spewing raw data.

I have considered the "men tend to do it for sex and women do it for love" angle, and as a generalization I suppose it may be true. That having been said, I'm not really referring to instances---regardless of whether it's done by a man vs by a woman---where sex is the primary motive. I'm referring to those instances in which the motive genuinely derives from unmet emotional/spiritual needs.

It seems to be the case that women are "permitted" to "cheat" for the sake of love, finding a soulmate, etc, but men are not even if their motive comes from the same place. About the only instance that I can think of in the popular culture/media where it wasn't treated that way was the movie "Walk the Line" between Johnny Cash and June Carter wherein their relationship was portrayed quite favorably/romantically. On one hand being with one's true love is indeed something that I think is worthy of pursuit...on the other hand, there's the hurtful price paid by others around the unfaithful individual in terms of crushed futures/expectations. Obviously the "hurt" is survivable, surmountable, etc, but it is still horrifically unfair... which brings me back around to my starting point: why does it seem that it's okay for women to hurt their partner if they do it in the name of true love...but....men generally aren't allowed to do the same thing even if it's for the very same reasons?

I'm someone who tends to think that the motive makes all of the difference in the world as far as right-v-wrong....though I also steadfastly hold the view that the "evil" of cheating comes not from the action itself but from the position that it puts the faithful member of the relationship in regardless of whether or not s/he circumstantially contributes to or even precipitates the infidelity (neglect/laziness/ignorance/cruel indifference/inability/etc towards their partner's unmet nonsexual needs)....which I tend to think is this: the faithful person is being "allowed" or even encouraged to waste time/effort/whatever investing in a relationship that is foundering if not outright doomed.

It would be unfortunate (to put it mildly) to be in the position of losing one's partner, though I don't think it's necessarily an intrinsically evil thing to do.....the evil comes from being robbed of the opportunity to cultivate love/peace/happiness of his/her own, whether with the existing partner or by way of choosing to ditch the unfaithful person and start over---or even just accept the fact that their partner has judged someone else to be a better match.

Just trying to clarify but probably not articulating it very well--I'm on a midnight watch shift and my brain is slipping into uncooperativeness like it always does at 4am!).

I think Sedaka makes a really good point. It all depends on motive. There was a poll a while back (can't remember where) but it showed that the main reason men cheated was 'because they could' (a la Tiger Woods), whilst women cheated mainly to get affection/revenge (I don't think the latter reason would gain them much sympathy).

Men tend to come off ok when their partner is depicted as a nagging b***h of a woman... Just as women tend to be justified for cheating on their abusive or unavailable man.

And somehow... cheating seems more appropriate/accepted when the current relationship is so heavily invested in marriage & or kids.

Such treacherous waters.

edit: and i mean justified/appropriate as in NOT just immediately bailing on the said marriage/family... Some reason, that's rarely the first option.

I don't think this, at least not among young women. Women trapped in relationships where they need the financial support of their partner in order to raise their children are given some sympathy to cheat. Maybe some discrimination factors in because people have it in their heads that men by default are generally not financially dependent, committed to their children, and no longer interested in their partners. But among young women who don't have children? I think they're judged like anyone else, if not worse than young men.

to me this all boils down to people weren't careful enough picking the one they were with. But then what do I know.

Men cheat because they have the drive to maximize the quantity of their offspring and an individual woman can only have on average a few children in her lifetime whereas a man can potentially father Thousands of children. I have read that a womans biological motive is to get the best genes she can for her offspring. There are plenty of instances of cuckoldry among women married to rich men.

are all swingers married? do you have to be married to be a swinger? the girl I had a crush on was a swinger, now I am feeling like crap for liking someone who is married. this is really confusing.

those are the biological imperatives but if we didn't trump our biology there would never be things like cities and touch football. I don't know, I think we have a culture that essentially tells men it's okay to cheat, wherein women are told to be chaste and faithful (the roots of that are and always have been economic, the offspring comes out of her and it's expensive so her family is going to get stuck picking up the tab if she's not owned, hence the double standard in *some* cultures~expecially a.d. ones)... so maybe this culture can't get it's head around a woman who just wants to get laid, they think for her the cheating is meeting some emotional need somehow. (?)

My experience has been of women being unfaithful and men being faithful (to me) though, so I don't really know where this falls.

Well, right off the bat, I don't agree with this assertion. I'm not sure who gets more flack for cheating, but to my eyes it's to a similar degree.
....Although, it seems men get painted as the ones who cheat more often, which is .... not accurate....


Although, this narrative does bring something else to mind to me -
Regardless of who cheats more, or who get's burned more by cheating, men and women think about cheating differently, I suspect.
Romantacisation, perhaps, is something women would be more prone to. The rollercoaster of emotions, the pain, the longing, and the ultimate validation... Morality aside, it's very grand and engaging. IF women are more prone to emotional response, then perhaps thinking about a romantic affair will get painted in a better light for women than with men.
...All those racks of romance novels at the drug store come to mind.

And you know, maybe it's not unlike men's romanticism with violence, and war, and struggle. Why us guys read so many war-related books. The idea of it, reality aside, is cool. Does it mean we want to out and enlist today? No, not exactly.... (but sort of)

Maybe this is akin to the idea of a romantic affair.

Perhaps I'm just falling for your directness, and purposeful lack of nuance, but I'm not so sure women get off the hook so easy. And if there is a trend of unequal penalty, then I think the modern world is working to even it out. We've got stay-at-home fathers, or guys who do most the cooking and cleaning while the lawyer wife works on her briefs, stuff like that. The gender roles are breaking down a little bit, and so much of the narrative situation you'd previous described breaks down along with it. I would assume that change of set-up would change the attitude toward a dalliance as well, since the wife is not necessarily locked in her home prison, chained to the mop and oven anymore.

I've never noticed women being given some sort of social approval for cheating while men catch all the blame... But sort of in that direction, the most noticeable examples would be in politics, I guess. I'm disappointed in all the men who get caught and have to then publicly apologize. For once I'd love to see a man just own it and shrug it off with a "hey, I can't help it if I'm irresistible" attitude. I'd vote for him.

Among family and friends, etc. people I've known who cheated didn't seem to be treated differently according to gender. The men have gotten as much pity as the women. Everyone seems to know it can be tough sometimes.

Really?

In my experience cheating women are usually regarded as sluts while men are just being players and doing what comes natural to them.

Funny story, I was dating a guy and after a while he accused me of cheating. He was constantly calling me and making strange little comments that women were checking him out at work "in a joking way". Made me angry and I was feeling depressed in that relationship. Needless to say it started going sour from there. Because I wanted some time to myself he started calling from the phone getting mad that I wasn't with him and then started calling me a whore. Well long story short, he was the one doing the cheating.

In short, man or woman, it's a selfish act. Yes maybe there is some emotional neglection going on but depending on where the relationship stands, you should confront these issues. I'm not sure if it's a cultural anything but in my experience, it isn't easy bringing these issues forward. I thought there was something wrong with me. Most people who don't have good self-esteem have trouble knowing the "signals" or have trouble identifying what IT is that is making them feel the way they do.

Also I really don't believe in this stereotype that women who cheat are emotionally burned out while the guy is lusting after. I had a female friend who was constantly going from one guy to another like an addict. All I'd hear her talk about was how they were in bed...

That's not to say there maybe some differences due to genders, but I doubt it's as general or as bias as we tend to make out it to be. I do think we live in somewhat of materialistic culture, but I'm no expert. I can only go based on my observation and it seems that people more or less are still figuring themselves out. We are taught that we should only engage in a relationship that requires commitment. Then if it's the other way around, it's screw as many people as possible. We seem to go from black to white. We are also made to feel ashame if we are the ones doing the breaking up.

While I'm not the polyamory sort, I do think these kinds of topics are interesting because most of the people that post in them are nothing like the type of people you see in the media. It is interesting that the same people who despise such relationships may be the same people who will do the cheating.

OP, to your point about "Walk the Line" - when the movie came out, Roseanne Cash did a few interviews in which she said she wasn't interested in seeing the movie, or being exposed to the glorification of the circumstances surrounding her parent's divorce, because the divorce had devastated her mother. So not everybody thought that situation was so romantic and lovely.

With the exception of a few very unique circumstances, I think infidelity is inexcusable - whether it's the husband or the wife doing the cheating. If a spouse is unhappy in his/her marriage, the issues in the marriage should be addressed and resolved (making that effort is part of the commitment of marriage). If the issues can't be resolved, the marriage should be ended. Involving a third person doesn't repair marital problems, it just adds new ones.

It's hard to put this into black and white so this will have some gray areas in it.

If you cheat you are dishonest piece of s**t, man or woman. If you have fallen in love with someone else and you cheat on your current partner before you have told them the truth and broken the relationship off then you suck and should die of AIDS.

I wish I could have put that in more black and white terms.