Before and after.

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I've talked a lot on the love and dating and general autism discussion boards about the changes I made. I thought it would be interesting to go through a before and after, and the positives and negatives of the changes I've made, and also how I made the changes, what changes would probably just work for me, and what changes any Aspie or any socially inept person could make to better their situation.

Before, meaning before the of age 24, I was much like the guys on the love and dating site. I was lucky enough to french kiss a few girls when I was 17 and 18, but I'd never had anything resembling a date and didn't do anything beyond kissing. I thought a girlfriend would "wake me up" and give me a reason to live and basically be a mother figure only with affection and sex. I had no hobbies. I wasn't playing piano or guitar often despite having talent, I had no "passing" hobbies besides watching Seinfeld...which for those of you who have seen the show, it's a very cynical show that while anyone could like it, it could appeal to a suicidal type person.

There was no "ah-ha' moment. It was just kind of a slow, gradual change. For one thing, I always looked really young for my age, which as you know equals no women unless you're really tall (I'm tall, but 6 ft isn't "really tall" to make up for young looks) or muscular or just have a good social crowd of people you hang out with. Around age 24, I started to mature lookswise. My face no longer looked as "innocent."

I also started to collect sports memorabila, and while not a social hobby (other than going to collectible shows every month) it gave me something to do other than dwell on wanting a girlfriend or wanting to die.

I always liked fashion, but I started paying more attention to what I was wearing...matching better, picking the right outfit for me, making sure that I was at least taking care of things on my end. The confidence started to appear, not all at once, just little by little. My posture and body language, while still "Aspie-esque" whatever that means, is nowhere near the "Please don't notice me" nervous posture I used to have. I noticed that while there's still an occasional jerk that points me out, it's not even close to the amount of negative attention I got before. And it's not the clothes, I'm not saying to change your wardrobe. What I'm saying is, because I took myself more seriously, other people (I think anyway) started to notice.

A few months later, I met the girl on facebook that I dated, and while I screwed up bigtime with her, I'm certain that the version of me a year before wouldn't even have got the date or got past the first date.

The problem is, when you get happier (comparitively speaking to where I was before. I still battle depression, but am overall much better) you start to become more outgoing, and in my case, that means being more outspoken and telling people my opinions. My Aspergers really affects me as far as candor and brutal honesty. I know enough not to tell my aunt, for example, that she's a really bad cook, but I don't know enough to not keep quiet about a friend dating an ugly woman, or seeing an ugly guy with a hot girl in a crowd and telling my date or friend "He probably has money."

While I don't mean for or want people to agree with me, I do want them to at least accept that I feel that way and also realize that I just have a sarcastic way of expressing myself. I call myself a nerd and poke fun at myself too, but people seem to mistake the "new me" as arrogant and abrasive because I just say the first thing that comes to my mind.

I think any guy on this site, and I mean any guy, can become more outgoing, and if anything, a lot of the guys on this site have the benefit of not being as opinionated as I am, so they'd just be a fun, outgoing guy.

The clothes...it's not a requirement and I'm sorry to have forced it on every other guy on the site. While it DOES really help if you want a stylish, attractive woman, a lot of semi-attractive women could give two sh*ts what you wear as long as you're matching and don't smell bad.

The attitude, however, is a must. Do whatever you have to do to get that intangible it going for you. For me, becoming Mr. GQ helped my social presence, but do whatever you have to do to walk around like a grown man, not a scared little boy.

Women like a lot of different things, but most women (non Aspie women anyway, and Aspie women are a minority) want a man, not a boy. They want a guy that takes charge and doesn't look like their pissing their pants in her presence. (Some unintentional alliteration for you English majors.)

Being "outgoing" and having a better social presence (even if sub-par compared to the average person) has at least allowed me to get out there and talk to strange women that I never would have had the balls to talk to, and more importantly, the ability to not care about rejection and move on to the next girl (Approach-wise. Obviously I have problems letting go when I form a connection with someone, but a lot of people do.) But what I mean is, I could give two sh*ts about what some girl I don't know thinks about me, and that alone is a turn on to women if they can sense you don't care.

A lot of guys on this site, if they're anything like the pre-age 24 me, have desperation written all over their sleeve, like "please notice me and give me a reason to be happy." Women don't want to be your steak and potatoes, they want to be the glass of wine to complement it if that makes sense.

Well put, sir! I quite agree.

butting in for just a moment, since the advice isn't aimed at me but I relate to the above two paragraphs alot and something I have learned is there is an NT code for commentary like this, which is that people might think it but most people don't say it and if you do, they think you are bitter and jealous sometimes even if you are just an aspie with no filter. Pretty much only gay men who are good at it can get away with alot of vocalizing of that stuff, they just have a way of saying it that seems less/ but more/ biting, or something. You may be no different on the inside than any NT but too much of this kind of stuff can get you adversely labeled, if only because you actually say it out loud. Not that you don't already know this, I'm just making an observation because I had an 'aha' moment when I read those paragraphs.

Yeah, I've found this out the hard way. When I was on a date with my ex, she asked how my brother was, and if there was any update on the girl he liked at work. I told her how he figured out she was basically using him for attention...flirting with him just to satisfy her ego, and that she had a reputation for doing that with other guys at work (she had an ex-boyfriend overseas that she was obsessed with and from what I hear had no intention of going on a date with someone else.) So of course my ex says "That's rude. How do you know she's just not outgoing and talkative?"

(Note: I'm not saying that women typically behave this way. She probably thought I was stereotyping.) But I am saying that this girl had a reputation, and eventually left the job to go overseas and find the boyfriend, and didn't keep in contact with any of the male co-workers as "friends."

But my point is, expressing something like this, even if a fact, makes me sound like I hate the human race and in particular the female gender, while in reality I was just saying this was an isolated incident.