Am I Crazy?

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I hung out with an ex today, many years back we were close friends who eventually dated. She moved away and things kinda fell apart. Years have past and we see each other every now and then. Today was the first time in two years, before that we had hung out several times over the summer, but before that there'd been another large gap.

All in all its been about 8 years. I've had some long relationships in there, was almost married once even. They were all good girls, ones who tried hard to make me happy and one was ready to spend her life with me. But I've always been madly in love with a girl from my past. I've tried to forget her, the longer I go without seeing her the more I miss her. When she finds her way back into my life I become love sick again, I struggle not to put a move on her or tell her how I still feel because I know it could be disastrous. Nothing I do seems to help.

So today we hung out, we made plans to go on a camping trip in the near future. She made no mention of a boyfriend all day, and there was much contact such as hugging, a bit of hand holding, and she left after we had dinner because she had a long drive home. I was kicking myself for not making a move since everything seemed so perfect, it seemed like she was back to stay.

We spoked online after she got home. She mentioned that some guy was kinda mad that she went out on a date with me. I said I had thought she said she wasn't seeing anyone, but she claimed that she thought I knew she was. I played it off like I thought it was humorous and told her she was a bad girlfriend for not talking about him more. But my stomach twisted into a knot which hasn't come undone since.

I don't think her intent was to deceive me, but I was certainly thinking something was about to happen again. We've always gravitated towards each other, we can't not touch each other in playful little ways that "friends" shouldn't do. I had thought today was the prelude to a new chance with her which I've been dreaming of for many years. Knowing what I know now, there's no way I can go on this camping trip with her. When she mentioned who was going, he wasn't mentioned, but whether he came or not it'd still just not be a good idea for me to go.

I cant begin to count the number of times I've written her some long letter and then not sent it, or deleted it. Some of these were written while I was with other girls. I'm thankful none of those were sent to her but yet here I am again with a letter written and I'm struggling not to send it. I'm madly in love with this girl and I'm dying inside not just because we can't be together but because I've never told her. I waited two years for my chance with her and I never felt like it really ran its course, it got chopped short when she had to move.

So what should I do? Should I tell her I love her, even if there's no chance she'll reciprocate? I feel as though I just need to get it out there, maybe get some sort of closure. Maybe then I'll stop waiting around for her and actually go out and fall in love with someone else. But at the same time, the hope of having her back again has always been the one thing that keeps me going, I'm not sure what I'd do without that.



Thanks to those who drolled through this, I need to rant and it kept me from sending this letter for a few more minutes.

Well aren't you helpful.

Look, I've got to be honest with you, OP - you know what you need to do. You're condemned yourself to a kind of limbo: afraid if you tell her how you feel that she won't reciprocate, and she'll end the relationship completely. In the end, you're really not her friend (because you have romantic feelings for her which prevent you from behaving as a true friend), and you're not her bf cause you won't take the risk. All the while you're short-changing the women in your life who've wanted to connect and commit to you completely because you're not completely available to them.

If you don't change your circumstances, you're going to continue on this path for the foreseeable future. Is that what you want? I don't think it is. My advice is to do your best to prepare yourself for her response, and then resolve your relationship with this young lady. You'll be able to really start living your life - either with her or without her. Good luck.

in a cold-comfort sort of way, i was trying to be helpful. my point in pixels, was to hopefully elicit in the OP, the positive thought that maybe he should consider whether all this mental pain he was putting himself through, was worth it in a big-picture kind of way. i was only trying to provide the OP some outside perspective. why should anybody post on this forum if they never wanted to learn of any others' thoughts on any issue? i don't like to see people hurting unnecessarily, and whenever i see people obsess over other human beings, it makes my heart [yes, i do have one] and brain hurt.
i'm not about hurting people, so if the OP found the cartoon to be hurtful, my apologies to him. but a picture is worth a thousand words, and when a picture can "say" something better than i ever could [as evident in the preceding sentences], i will defer to the picture.
for the fisherman who can fish, there are many, many fish in the sea to choose-from. the OP described previous success with the opposite sex and i believe he will continue to be successful. this is more than a lot of other folk can say.

I've never had a relationship myself but if this girl hasn't left your thoughts in 8 years... you need to do something about it. I think you should tell her how you feel because that way you get it off your chest. But (preferably) do it with the understanding that no matter what she says, you want to remain her friend (if you can handle that). This way you will get your feelings off your chest (I never did that in a romantic area, but trust me, expressing your feelings can be a relief) and the both of you can move on to the kind of relationship together (friend or more) that the both of you want .

p.s. I think I'm making this sound much easier than it really is.

Mind games alert!

Sounds like she was 'shopping around' a bit, to see if she could find someone better that he guy she's got back at home. Or perhaps she just likes the fact that you're in love with her and didn't want to burst the bubble.

Either way, she acted pretty horribly to the guy she's currently seeing (as well as being dishonest towards you), and there's no guarantee she won't do the same later on if you do end up together.

I know it's hard to let go of someone whom you've held a candle for for many years, but I really think you should stop wasting your time over her and not meet up anymore if it upsets you. First 'love' will always seem the most strong, but you can't let the memory ruin your life; you need to be open to other women and give them a chance. If you keep hoping that someday you will get back with your ex, then you will never really be open to alternative options (plus the past will always look more rosy than it really is).

I have to say, I'm glad you had the decency not to feel comfortable with her two-timing the guy she's dating, even if she didn't.

^^This^^

OP, You're in love with a fantasy. If 'happily ever after' were an option here, you'd have known it long before this.

Spill your lovesick guts and get the broken heart over with, because that's what it's going to come to, whether she blows you off immediately, or you two have a love connection and she cheats on you. Obviously you're not going to be able to let this go until it has annihilated your soul. Eight years is enough wasted time. Pull out the pin and be done with it.

Remember this: To the ancients, FATE and DOOM meant the same thing.


Guess how I know.

Thanks for the input everyone, last night I felt like I was hanging from the edge of a cliff with one finger. A good nights sleep helped a bit. There's a lot of good advice her, and some I didn't want to hear -- but I knew I wouldn't like everything that was to be said.

I suppose I do need to just cut the cord and tell her. I tried that long ago when we broke up, she had hoped we could be just friends and I told her I could never be "just" a friend. After that followed the first long period where we didn't speak. It was hard and I don't think she ever forgave me for that, and I know I haven't.

I guess what I fear the most here is a repeat of something that happened to me way back in high school. Being an aspie I never understood how relationships worked, and there was a girl I had really like for some time so I sent her an email professing my feelings, because at that point I hadn't learned how to show them properly. I waited a week in agony without a response, finally she did and she shot me down. It was agony, but that week in between was the worst. I still chased after that girl for a while, but eventually I did move on and forget about her.

I know that I cannot bring myself to just tell her in person, it's rare that I find myself so candid. But I feel as though sending an email or letter is just so highschoolish. Something I promised myself I'd never do again, something I had thought I'd learned my lesson on. This what has stopped me from writing her so many times over the years.

I'll sit here and stare at this letter all day. Perhaps later tonight I'll have the guts to send it. But before that I must make sure that every question that's been bouncing around in my head all these years, everything I've been itching to say to her, is in this letter. I just need to get it all out there.