What's wrong with my dating site profile?

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I have a profile on OKCupid, and it seems that every time I write an email to a woman she reads it and goes right to my profile...and I never hear from her. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong. I heavily revised it so as to de-emphasize the weirder aspects of my personality (one woman told me that most women are turned off by politics, so I deleted the part about anarchism; also I deleted the part about hearing music when there is none, it made me look psycho) and to emphasize the good. I'm up front about being autistic; it's an immutable part of me, and she'll eventually find out anyway, so best to be honest. I take pains to point out the good parts about my autism, such as I am high functioning and can talk and don't bang my head, also that autistics make better lovers because of our concentration. I'm starting to think that it's all about my photo, and that I CAN'T change. Well, I'm working on not being fat, on losing weight, but it takes time. Few women want a fat man. AND my face looks fat too, because of all the skin and fat, like a pear. If my ugly mug is the real problem here (I've been called ugly by other people for many years), all I can do is head to the gym. My profile is under the same name as my WP account.

If you really think it's the picture, hire a photographer to create a more flattering one of you (using lighting, subtle photoshop etc). I know people do that all the time.

Just beware; if they ever meet you in real life, they're going to see the real you anyway.

Honestly though, I would probably leave out the 'autistic' part until you get to know them better.

Really?

It's incredibly hard for me to concentrate on anything.

I guess that's just me, though.

I guess, um... a dating profile shouldn't be a brief description
of how autism makes you different in ways that they would
never know otherwise unless you told them. It may be like
telling everyone stims that you only do when nobody's
watching or ... um ...

If someone was telling people that they have a big box of
booger collections then everyone would be grossed out.
-but-
If someone is an entomologist and collects bugs and has
a special interest and talks about about insects for more than
half the time, that's 100 times more interesting than the
other someone, and the "bug" man could get more dates.

Personality is more attractive than not being fat.
Some people DO like fat, and I've seen different sized
couples a lot. One of my siblings is slim with a big spouse.
I also know some happy couples with two big people.

How about in your profile, "looking for someone
similar in size to go to the gym with?"
I think that might be a good idea, that
you are interested in health and fitness and looking
for someone also interested, to go to the gym with you.

Maybe if you can post a link to your profile, we can offer some criticism.

I'm not telling a woman until my third to sixth date with her that I have AS. I'll mention about my quirky nature with her on the first date. But, as for telling her I have AS, I won't mention it until I've had a few dates with her. If she chooses not to be with someone with AS, that person is most definitely not the one for me.

I will have very nice pictures taken of me next weekend, as I will be in professional business dress most of that time. I'm going to hire someone who has had great success at writing online profiles. Having someone else write my profile will enable that person to portray me in the best light possible for women to read.

Don't go into the autism on your personal ad, please. You can mention that casually from the 3rd to the 6th date with someone. When writing a personal ad, your job is to sell yourself to prospective women. Your goal is to get women interested in writing back to you. Mentioning about autism in a personal ad might get someone else's interest who has autism. But a lot of women, when going online, are going to be interested in corresponding to men whose ads interest them. Pure and simple. Leave the autism out.

Also you have to expect no-ones going to reply on a dating site regardless, its very hard to get replies.

I'll try to help, but this probably wont be pleasant.

If you want others to get more involved with this thread, you might also post a link to your profile. Instead of relying on someone go through the effort to search for it.

For one, weight is one of the most immediate liabilities in helping a first impression, or helping people get a date. To that end, I think you should focus hard on getting to the gym 3 times a week.
Better yet, I also suggest looking up, and switching to, >a CrossFit-specialized gym. From my own experience, it blows other gyms away in terms of how fast you get results. Likewise, I found it far easier to keep up with, due to the class-like format. Since trainers guide you through a specific workout routines, your time there get's spent far more effectively than your own free-form workout.
You'll shed weight incredibly fast if you manage to attend 3 times a week.
At least, that was my experience.


Now... Regarding the profile, specifically. If it were mine, I'd do the following:

*First and foremost, you need good pictures of yourself. Flattering pictures. Go to a photographer. Depending on their impression of your picture, they might not even bother reading your profile. So your picture has to be the best foot forward that you can possibly muster. If it shows more than your face, then you should consider buying a nice modern outfit, too.

*Replace the word 'computers' with 'technology.' It sounds less geeky. It's stupid, I know, but trust me.

*Take out every reference to autism, and instead only reference your most prominent mannerisms. People will read 'autism,' jump to a conclusion, and go to the next profile. Stop them from jumping to conclusions by removing what they would use to pre-judge you.

*Take out every single references to sex, and your sexual preferences. It will sound far less creepy. You do not need to tell people what you're "okay with." It's okay to allude to sexuality, but only very gently and vaguely. Generally the only people who can get away with talking about sex on their profiles are people who are very, very attractive.

*Take out the entire paragraph about your education. Instead simply say you're smart and well-spoken at some point in your profile.

*Don't say that it's hard for you to be romantic, because if you do get a date, you're going to try to be romantic anyways, and might succeed. Saying you're not good at it only gives people a reason to filter you out.

*Don't talk about your desire for a FwB. If someones interested in your intro and picture, then a FwB will be a possibility either way. But if you mention your intent to be only FwB, then you'll simply get filtered out. Instead, give any date a shot, and let it settle on it's own.

*As a matter of fact, that last paragraph of the first section needs to get entirely deleted. Maybe at some point you could mention that you're 'a very fun intimate partner' or something, but leave it at that.

*When you restructure that first section, instead focus on the things that 'make you tick.' What you enjoy out of life, whats important in life to you, your aspirations, and something about companionship that you enjoy(hopefully unrelated to sex). You want to list (BRIEFLY) things that other people can relate to. If you present yourself like an alien, they will avoid you like one. Despite your differences to an NT, you aren't that different, so you shouldn't give them that impression. Your quirks are merely exceptions, and usually are not relevant.

*In the section that says "what do people first notice about me," mention something good about you. Others need to be given reasons why you deserve to be considered. Everyone else on this site is selling themselves - you should too.

*"The six things I could never do without" section response isn't all that funny. You can come up with something better than that!

*"On a typical Friday night I am" ... Doing something more interesting than that.
Think of what you'd prefer to be doing on a friday night, and that you occasionally do get to do. Reference that instead. Otherwise, it comes off as boring, and serves as a reason to filter you out.

*"the most private thing" section could be an elegant and sensitive place to reference your prominent quirks. People would both anticipate and prefer to read about such things there, instead of up-front in the first few sentences they read about you. People want to get a good impression of you right off the bat, so save the exceptions for this section.

*"You should message me if"
...you are a person with a few quirks of their own, who likes having a fun time with a good person, who likes a good intelligent discussion, and enjoys relaxed intimacy as much as I do.

^As an example. You want to be relate-able, evocative, not-bland, not-creepy(sex-talk), and brief.

*If you have the option to do so, remove the reference to your income - Do not answer that question. People are unrealistically picky, including how they judge on income. It's another excuse to filter you out.

*Finally, remove 'Casual Sex' from your "Looking For" category. Why? Because a woman who wants casual sex and lets others know will have no difficulty finding a fairly attractive, capable guy. Even if they have difficulty finding a boyfriend. There is pretty much zero chance that listing it will help you find someone. 'Short-term dating' is far more helpful, and is near enough to casual sex, that it can serve the purpose.

*But you might also want to be receptive to finding something more long-term, if not permanent. That listing will help your chances immensely.

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If all that strikes you as somewhat disingenuous, well, that's reality for ya. First impressions are brutal. Everyone is looking for excuses to filter someone out, even if they would accept the 'filtered stuff' after they got to know you. No one is realistic about first impressions, so you shouldn't give them all the filter-able details up front. Once they know you're basically okay, then you can show those things with far less likelihood of being filtered/rejected.

I'm a big proponent of honesty and truth and forthright communication, but first impressions are the exception, to some extent. They're simply too harsh, and even more-so for people on the spectrum. I do suggest being open and honest and truthful about every single thing you feel like sharing.... Just not on the first impression, or too early.

Where is the link to the persons profile?

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/pezar

You don't really come across as friendly from that, and I think you can take a beter photo, smiling, possibly not down looking up.

Great idea. I do t'ai ji (a peaceful martial art) many times each week. I find it helps with lowering blood pressure and maintaining weight.




First impressions are brutal. That is why I recommend dressing up nicely for a picture, then having other pictures in there as well. I will have different types. My main picture will be professional dress. Then, I'll add pictures of myself in different dress, action shots, with a group of people, etc. I want to give a prospective woman the perception that I am an interesting. It is true that the first thing a woman will look at before anything else at a personal ad is a man's picture. Having a picture by holding a camera is one of the WORST things I would even consider doing. Many times, I have read "dating experts" say to NEVER have an object in a picture with you for the primary shot.

Right on about replacing "computers" with "technology." Anyone can use a computer, but not everyone is knowledgeable about technology, especially if it involves working with IT. You've got to make yourself stand out in a profile ad. If you say tech instead of computers, women will think, "This is a sharp guy.. could show me stuff about technology I have no idea of whatsoever."



Definitely take out anything about autism. I am HFA (just like many other people in WP), but wouldn't dare think of listing it in a personal ad. Women have a limited amount of time to look at men's personal ads. Why give them an incentive to eliminate your personal ad from consideration? First date, sure tell them about your quirky nature. Between the 3rd and 6th date with a woman, when you're at the point of thinking of being exclusive, tell her SUBTLY (don't just blurt it out) that you have HFA. Could go about bringing it up as a lead-in from something else, such as "Remember when we first met and I told you about my quirkiness?" She'll probably say, "Yeah".. then you can lead it in.. or if you start being a little quirky (she might start figuring out you're not like a lot of the typical guys she's been around), then that's a lead-in to HFA. Then you'll want to discuss with her about what you've done positively in your life to manage having Asperger's.



Definitely take it out. Women read profile after profile after profile about men who keep bringing up sex. Want to know why women feel discouraged a lot? They don't read profiles that are positive and funny. They are looking for men who interest them. Mentioning about sex in a personal ad is a sure way to turn a woman off big time. If I was a woman, I'd be thinking, "All this guy wants is sex with me. He doesn't want to get to know me, so why should I get to know him? I want someone who can relate to me, not what he wants."



Agreed.



See what I wrote earlier about sex. Definitely take out FwB. If that's what you're looking for in someone, go to an adult dating website instead. I am sure there's a lot of women there would be interested in that sorta thing. I don't know of many women who go to an online dating site looking for FwB. Just my two cents.



Definitely. All other men are selling themselves. If I was on OKCupid, I'd be selling myself as well as I could. I am not worried about the other men on that website, because the only person I need to be concerned about is me. How well I can write the profile? How well can I sell myself? How well can I get a woman's interest?



What's this - "The Six Things I could never do without?" If you are going to do that, you may as well go to a pen pal website, and find yourself a pen pal to write with and such. I have NEVER, EVER done that with a personal ad I have ever had on a dating website. NEVER. Definitely not funny, and if I was a woman, I'd be wondering about the guy who wrote the personal ad (in a not so good way). When you talk bout six things I could do without, you're talking about yourself. What goes through a woman's head is this - "He's talking all about himself and what he wants out of a possible relationship with me. He doesn't care about me and only cares about himself. He's not funny at all, and I have no interest in even wanting to write him."




This IS very sound advice. I see things you wrote that I would consider strongly in writing a personal ad. Very nice, Sound.

Where to begin?

I probably wouldn't do much better with putting a profile together, so I'll just touch on a few obvious things.

Remove any reference to autism. Even your description of what it isn't, gives a bad impression. Your photo should be taken by someone else. If you are busy holding the camera, your facial expression will not be good and it wasn't.

Anything too mundane and obvious, like needing air and water, doesn't add anything and may be counted as negative.

Emphasis on "new age" stuff is vague, nobody knows what it is, and makes you look like an "alien chaser". The problem with actually being an "alien chaser" type is that it takes resources away from profitable and constructive pursuits. I've run into the same problem with discussing my scientific interests. I know that I know what I am doing, but they don't know and they can't tell the difference between a competent scientist and an "alien chaser".

Computers are out of vogue. The time to jump onto the garage-business-nerd-startup-company image has passed. Nowadays, being into computers and internet is like saying that you spend all day watching sitcoms. Not good, even if you do make a decent salary. You might say that you own your own business, instead of saying that you're self employed.

Well at least you're putting something out there, which is more than what I've been doing lately, but you definitely need input from other people either here or elsewhere.

Er, had a quick glace at the OP's profile... um, I would leave out any reference to 'poop' in your personal ad, even if it's only to say you don't eat it. Even if someone's never heard of autism, that paragraph tells them all they need to avoid someone with it (especially if they're only skimming it) amongst hundreds of other profiles)...

You need a more flattering photo. The whole profile needs to be reworded. There is a lot of good stuff but it has a very negative spin on it. women do like off-beat, eccentric men but that first impression is everything. You are being WAAAAAAY too direct and honest upfront. Short term dating, casual sex? No, uh-uh, get rid of that and put something long term. Only the top 1% of the most photogenic men are allowed to get away with that.